


The Darkness Within: We are so much more than we think

by Edza



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crime, Dark, Drug Abuse, Drug Withdrawal, Existentialism, F/M, First Love, Forbidden Love, Nihilism, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2020-12-17 14:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 96,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21055679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edza/pseuds/Edza
Summary: After Tom Riddle's touch, Ginny is stowed away in St. Mungo’s. She has a dark curse, but the treatment there is even worse. Luckily, she has an unlikely friend at Hogwarts. Somebody who might help her reunite with the diary.Romantic fascinations can border on insanity. Sometimes you have to do evil things in order to survive. If only it was possible to escape the downwards spiral.





	1. Safe Haven 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is finished, all chapters written. I will edit them one by one and publish weekly. All tags will be explored.

After weeks of observation, Ginny knew exactly where professor Snape was about to place his key chain. The potions lesson was creeping to a halt, and her classmates were growing anxious. Snape’s keys were dangling in his pocket, but before the inspection, he will place them on the desk.

"Keep quiet! You careless, hasty Gryffindors! This is fourth year. Are there no manners imparted upon you?" Snape's voice rang throughout the dark shadowy dungeons. Her housemates were fidgeting under his scowl.

_There goes the Gryffindor bravery._

Snape's dark cussing had stopped scaring Ginny for a while now. She had already finished the minor draught of tranquility. Others were not faring so well. As always, the Slytherins had butchered their compounds beyond belief. Not to mention, their part of the room was covered in orange smoke - radiating the distinct smell of dragon dung.

_That won't be an obstacle for receiving top marks, of course._

"How many of you will pass your O.W.L.S. with acceptable? I bet, I will see only one Gryffindor in my N.E.W.Ts."

"And even that's up for debate." He noted after a brief, pointed look at Ginny Weasley.

She blushed. Looking around the room, there did not seem to be any other candidates. Colin Creevey had destroyed his cauldron so abominably that he was now mending the bottom of it with spellotape. Poor Johnson's pot was no longer just smoking. Its insides had turned into smoldering coal. Oblivious, he kept increasing heat.

_I'm sorry... it's going to be you._

To copy the keys, a diversion was needed. Sabotaging a failing potion was the easiest.

Merely yesterday, Ginny had stood in this exact spot, nervously searching for an opportunity. But paranoia and fear had gripped her. One sleepless night full of self-scolding later, it was now time.

_Today is my last chance. This is not a silly prank. _

_I need these ingredients… to save my life. _

Trying to compose herself, she couldn't shake off the irritation about having to throw out the mixture. _I could use this, and I think It's quite pure. Impurities ruin it with side effects._ This was her specialty. The main motivating force, about a year ago, to begin a serious pursuit in the knowledge of potion making.

Restless nights had tortured her, and finally Professor McGonagall had agreed to provide small doses. Not long afterwards, the supply was cut off, and she had to fend for herself.

Ginny had made it a habit to brew the potion in the common room, but Hermione’s nagging had grown unbearable over time. "Why are you making it all the time?” she’d ask. “How about trying some meditation techniques? Ginny, there’s a reason McGonagall put a stop to it."

Soon, she had to relocate her efforts to the relative privacy of her own dormitory. The few occasions her dormmates spotted her working on potion, they were gladder Ginny would not wake them up in the middle of night by unexpectedly arriving or exiting.

_Any minute Snape will bring a halt to this lesson. He’s already contorting his face._

Fear and desperation growing by every instant, uncharacteristically she felt her palms starting to sweat. She brushed them off against her clothes. A firm grip against her wand was absolutely necessary.

_The full moon is just days away. I will not have time to brew everything again. I can't delay for another four weeks..._

Subconsciously, Ginny turned to the Slytherins, and instantly the image of another Slytherin boy emerged in her mind. One that was not in this room at the moment, but a year above.

_I've been ignoring Draco for more than a month now... I can't lose our friendship._

_If only he knew why I was keeping this secret from him._

"Everyone!" An authoritative, distinct command. "Hands up and wands down."

"You too Johnson! Fancy even more deductions?"

"Brown, put it down right this instant or I will discipline you!" he bellowed, moving in snake-like strides throughout the classroom. Snape was now on the opposite side of the room from her and all eyes were cast on him.

_Nobody is looking._

She cast her glance towards his desk. A glance so slight it couldn't possibly be noticed by her enemies. _The keys were there!_

_I have to go._

During inspection nobody moved, but it wasn’t enough to be sure. _I still need a diversion. Slytherins won’t wait a second to rat me out._

The smoldering coal in Johnson's cauldron had started to smoke. He had forgotten to turn off the burner even during the inspection. Ginny readied her wand under the table. _Levioso!_

On her desk she had prepared several twigs of bumbleweed. They levitated slowly from her table, and she felt dissociated as her magic gradually lowered the bumbleweed into Johnson's cauldron.

In mere seconds this dangerous combination would mix and ignite.

_Nobody noticed. _All eyes were still glued to Brown, whose concoction was being brutally berated.

"Oh, no, no. NO. Miss Brown, how dull are you?" Snape continued to scold her potion for an unusually long time. Ginny was not sure how it could be even worse than usual.

_It had to mix already. Explode! Please!_

Nothing happened. The suspense was torturing her. _Come on!_

The inspection was now near her table. This was her last chance. No more potions lessons for the week. _I need that key!_

"And what do we have here Mr. Johnson-

There was a powerful explosion.

Ginny was thrown backwards to the ground.

As the room filled with smoke, her mind raced with sudden confusion and terror. She couldn't look back anymore. _Move! Stop breathing, that's poison!_

People were gasping for breath and yelling - something was on fire - and a misty fog had set upon the dungeon.

The redhead jumped back to her feet and ran towards Professor Snape's desk. Nimbly, she raised her wand, and murmured too loudly for her liking. _Replicato!_

Taking the duplicated key chain and sliding it into her jeans, she raced back. The smoke was evaporating much faster, than she had expected. As she returned it was now almost gone.

Pushing away her terrible fear of failure, Ginny forced herself to take a look around. Most of her classmates were still coughing. The Gryffindor part of the dungeon had been hit worst, some people had ducked to the ground for fresh air.

Her heart was racing, her blood roaring through her veins. She swore under her breath about being extremely sweaty. But that could be explained away. _Please, to everything that is sacred._

_Nobody could have seen me. _

Feeling of intense paranoia spread through her mind like venom. _Why is that Slytherin girl looking so weirdly at me? Why is Johnson staring at the desk where the keys lay?_

Trying to regain her composure, Ginny Weasley carefully crafted her facial expressions into outrage and surprise.

Everyone was gazing at Snape. He was waving his wand rapidly, whisking away the remnants of the explosion. But the onlookers were not observing his wand work. Instead large parts of Snape's attire were slashed, and there was a horrible hole in his trousers. His hallmark cloak had been ripped apart.

After the deafening explosion, the room had turned into awkward silence. She almost, just almost, forgot about what had happened. The way Snape was now looking at poor Johnson made everything clear.

And nobody had anything else to say with the sight of Snape just moments away from delivering his wrath.

Her paranoia was still lingering, but she had to push away thoughts that the only reason for the silence was that everyone had seen her.

"YOU BLOODY, USELESS IDIOT!" the potions master bellowed in anger. "Johnson, you are in for a detention of your lifetime."

Ginny Weasley felt relief wash over her.

"No. Not any tiny scolding." The professor fumed. "Your detention is going to be permanent."

_Permanent?_ She tried as hard as she could to suppress her hearty laughter. _What is a permanent detention? Like, for the rest of your life?_

"But professor, it wasn't me!" he protested mortified. "I have no idea what happened!"

Snape let out a cynical laugh. "Dismissed!"

"Johnson will have to clean up this whole mess. And thanks to him, all of you Gryffindors will receive a ZERO!"

Groans erupted around the room.

"Not you, Johnson. Today you have only Herbology. I will personally go down and talk to Professor Sprout. You have detention here until midnight. No dinner or lunch."

Her housemate wailed, now close to tears. "But I didn't do anything!"

"It was an accident!"

"You were incautious.” Snape spat back venom, now noticing the damage to his cloak. “Your actions could have resulted in casualties."

The miniature amount of guilt she felt was replaced by much stronger euphoria. It didn’t matter to her she had gotten zero as well. This exact potion would be the main subject for the next two weeks, and she had no doubt would be easy to make up and finish with a decent grade.

Johnson was awful at potions. It made no difference to her that he was innocent. In her relief, it was easy to conclude she had rendered him a service.

_A detention will only do him good._

_He's potion work is a danger to himself and others. I prevented a disaster before it occurred._

_Not to mention he hasn’t been nice to me._

The more she thought about it, the surer she was that she had helped him. Providing positive reinforcement to her whole class. No longer being able to suppress her smirk, she jumped several steps at once out of the dungeons.

_I have the key. I have the key._

***

"I can't believe it!" Ron laughed hysterically in the Gryffindor common room. "Tell me more Creavy! What did Snape's face look like?"

The news about the incident in the potions classroom had spread rapidly. Intensifying hate and accusations of bigotry from the Gryffindors. Despite calls for Professor Snape's removal, the damage done to his garments had gained widespread acclaim.

Not only his cloak, but the vast majority of Snape's pants had been torn off with his naked butt-cheeks showing. It amused Ron to no end. She sighed at her clown of a brother and buried her face back in her book. Tomorrow there will be an appointment with Remus Lupin in professor’s McGonagall's office. It could only go well if she prepared.

"And then! Then there was a deafening silence!" Colin gestured with his hands, making large round movements. The fog had slowly evaporated, only to reveal the potions master's revolted face.

"That's crazy!" Harry had now turned to listen. “Snape waited for so long to jump at him!"

Hermione was throwing nasty glances at all of them, but Colin continued. "Oh, no, and when he started swearing at us... his voice was deadly silent. It sent shivers down my spine." He whispered. "Poor Johnson."

Ginny wanted to laugh at the faces her fellow Gryffindors were making. They genuinely showed pity. _As if that dummy didn't deserve a detention for being so dense at potions. _

_But what else to expect from the second dumbest house?_

_Above Hufflepuff, that is._

_No, I am just joking. _Ginny remarked to herself, lost in her own world. _We're the best._

Tonight, was the night. Having acquired the key, her plan was blossoming into fruition. The risk associated with sneaking into Snape's potions chamber, and gathering restricted ingredients was immense.

_I could have asked._

But that was not possible. Even if her made up excuses would be convincing enough to get some of the items, they never would be enough for everything. This meant she would still have to sneak in.

_It will be safer this way. _She sighed at her impossible predicament. _If I don't get caught. _

It was necessary to wait until the common room was empty. There could be no witnesses. No one could see her leaving. Her alarm was set for two hours past midnight. By then Filch would be asleep. Most students were caught minutes after the curfew. _But I can't let them notice I was the last one here._

"Today Snape preyed on me as well!" Ron said anticipating the same amount of sympathy. "But Johnson… that kid always outshines me."

Harry laughed. "Yeah, but you were asking for it."

"No, I didn’t!" Ron bit back. "How am I supposed to know on which finger I can't put a ring?"

"What the hell happened?" Colin perked up. Still present and eagerly taking every opportunity to hang with the Trio.

"Don't swear!" To no one's surprise, Hermione half-yelled at Colin.

"For Merlin's sake it's our common room Hermione. We can do whatever we want!" Ron replied, but his response came already subdued.

Hermione frowned at him, and instead turned to Colin. "You know which finger the ring finger is, right?"

"Yeah, this one." He held up his hand to the amusement of Harry, who was now smirking at Ron.

"How should I bloody know?"

"Ron had this elaborate silver ring sent to him by his brother. Snape ridiculed him as married for an hour." Hermione finished anticlimactically.

During the next hour, the petty bickering between the Trio and their satellites escalated. Getting bored and tired, Ginny had stopped paying attention. Pretending to look sleepy would look disingenuous, and she decided against attempting it. Instead she simply yawned and said her goodnights. Absentmindedly, the Trio echoed her farewell and continued their bickering.

_I suppose, I don't care anymore... that they ignore me._

Walking up to her dormitory, Ginny noted her present anxiety. Everything could go wrong in the few next hours. Entering her bedroom, she ransacked her trunk for a small vial.

The bitter aftertaste did not bother her as she emptied the vial. Without removing her clothes, she lounged on the bed. Now it was only a matter of time until losing consciousness. _I don't think I will feel the effects of this draught in three hours or so, when I have to get up. Tolerance... is a bitch._

Deciding against closing the curtains around the bed as an unnecessary cry for attention, she closed her eyes and exhaled. _This place is so alien. Well, except for Luna. The rest of them are a mess..._

Her first year had ruined everything. After Dumbledore's recommendations, she was mandated a compulsory recovery in St. Mungo's. However, no dark curse was found. Promptly afterwards she was moved into the mental ward.

Her family had been against it, but Dumbledore had explained that Tom Riddle's diary was laced with magic, so dark, she was protected only at Hogwarts. Outside she had to recover.

Ron had protested, having seen the same as her. But when she returned late August, it was clear to everyone they had made a mistake. Ginny had changed, and none of them could discern if it was the dark curse that nobody could find or the efforts to cure it.

_Still sent me next year._

_If only they would have looked closer for that curse.... I wouldn't have to raid Snape's potions chamber tonight._

Suppressing the uncomfortable visions emerging in front of her closed eyes, Ginny diverted her trail of thought. She was on comfortable terms with the Trio. Usually they admitted her into their close-knit company, although never trusted her completely.

During her second year she had desperately tried everything to befriend them, but somehow, they always remained too close. That year had been surprisingly lonely and entirely sleepless. _Except for him._

_Great, another thing I have to keep out of my mind._

Looking at the round dormitory, she took a passing glance at each of the beds. _These people are idiots. _But right away she knew it wasn't true. It was her, who was fundamentally different. Before the curse of Tom Riddle, she had known how it was to be carefree. But her mind was rewired.

_For all they know, we’re best friends._

The redhead sighed as tinges of loneliness caressed her. _Don't think about him._

_But at least he is not an idiot._ She protested.

_True._

There was no need to undress. Finding her clothes in the darkness would wake everyone up. Ginny took her wand out and murmured the alarm charm automatically. After years of lazy investigation, she had found a rather neat one. Instead of making loud noises, it simply vibrated something. As usual, she put the charm on her pillow and drew the curtains around her bed shut.


	2. Safe Haven 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently looks like I will be able to publish a chapter a day for a few days.

Turning on her stomach, Ginny hit the vibrating pillow with her wand. It was dead quiet. Slowly she sat up and made her way to the bathroom. Someone could still be up. _No rings, no bracelets, no earrings. _

_I have learned._ Tying her boots firmly, she concluded.

Noiselessly, she exited the bathroom, and strolled down to the common room. The fire was still on. _Nobody is here. S_liding onto a sofa, she sighed.

Leaning back, something was wrong. Someone appeared to be moving in the large armchair.

_Dammit! _She swore internally and sat by the fireplace. "Why are you still up dear?" She smiled and whispered.

A tiny first-year girl was laying in the armchair. "I can't go to sleep." She whispered.

Ginny frowned. "What's your name?"

"Anne." The mousey haired first-year student replied. “My full name is Anastasia, but everyone calls me Anne."

"I'm Ginny. Why stay down here?"

Anne shrugged, her facial features indicating defeat. "Doesn't matter."

Ginny pondered what to reply.

"I'm trying to go to sleep, but I can't. I have been laying here for days, after everyone's gone..."

Anne pursed her lips; suddenly afraid she had said too much.

"Stress from being at Hogwarts?"

Anne did not reply but kept looking up at her expectantly. As if it would be only a matter of time before Ginny would get angry and shoo her away.

"My first year was pretty sleepless too."

"Did it get better?"

Ginny smiled at Anne, but terrible bitterness had awoken. _Had it got better?_ The question itself was ridiculous. _No._

"Yes."

Anne's eyes widened. But Ginny had made up her mind. "Come up with me. I will make you something."

The first-year looked at her in surprise but followed upstairs.

The dark dormitory was filled with sleepy breathing. Changing her mind, Ginny motioned for Anne to stay at the door. She took out a small pot from beneath her bed and a half-finished peppermint sleeping draught. "Let's go down. I can't see anything here."

"I remembered how mad they are gonna get." Ginny laughed conversationally, as they sat down in the common room. Anne did not reply, instead choosing to observe the older girl.

Taking some Snarfalump seeds, Ginny squashed them with her knife. Attentively, separating the liquid from the bark. The redhead put half of the unruly mixture in a new vial and started stirring it slowly. The first-year looked at her wide-eyed as Ginny stopped stirring. _A pinch of peppermint._

"You should try to get tired. How about taking a walk to calm down?" Ginny mused, but no reply came. "I used to go by the Black Lake at night, and just stare at the water for hours."

At this point the potion was ready by the book, but Ginny knew better. She waved her wand and continued to put fire under the pot. _Let’s make it taste sweet._ Without thinking Ginny started to stir. _Ten times clockwise, twenty counterclockwise, a ten heartbeat pause._

"What about the curfew?" Having finally gathered her courage, Anne asked.

"I got a permission from our head of house." _Losing the permission did not stop me either._

Feeling sudden affection, she added. "Not sure if that practice is still in place. I could ask her..."

"No." Anne had blushed.

"As you wish." Ginny shrugged. "By the way, I would appreciate, if this remained between the two of us."

"You won’t tell, right? This should be enough for a week or so. Small sips."

She stopped stirring and emptied the contents of the pot. Securing the lids, she handed the vials.

"I promise." Anne replied earnestly.

"Thanks."

Ginny followed Anne upstairs. Quietly, she put the paraphernalia back into the trunk.

_I don't think she will betray me._

A strange emotion. She had acted out of character. There was an uncanny resemblance - sleepless and scared first-year hiding in the common room.

Deciding enough time had passed, she exited her bedroom. Made sure she had the key to Snape's potion cabinet and finally stepped through the portrait hole.

The stairwell was eerie and illuminated in dim greenish glow. The portraits frightened her. They had brought so much trouble before. But the magic binding them was strong. At night, involuntary calming the life-like inhabitants.

The dungeons were a considerable distance away. The staircases made her most vulnerable spot. Especially waiting until they align.

_This time McGonagall won't go easy on me._

_And why should anyone be watching?_ Uncomfortable paranoia was rising in her. _I'm alone._

She jumped hastily from staircase to staircase.

_I can't get caught. Not like this._

Unexpectedly, she landed loudly on the marble floor initiating a distinct echo. _I'm in too much of a rush._

_Silentium _velox motivia!

She had discovered a variant of this spell in a book given to her by her mother. The book had been titled _'Practical charm work for the the stay-at-home witch.'_ Most of it was automated dishwashing and laundry organization. But she had quickly spotted a pattern.

Most of the charms there were just variants of the levitating charm. It had been a while until she had unraveled the part that made the dishwashing more silent. And then it was only a matter of time until applying the silencing to her feet. _There is still a long way to go. _

_If it breaks unexpectedly, all the noise absorbed is released at the same time._

Ginny felt her mind wandering to the many sleepless nights by the lake. _I came to know Draco Malfoy there. _It had taken them her whole second year to finally have a normal conversation. There was so much hate between their families. Hate instilled almost genetically. In her third year, she finally knew she could trust him. _After he had helped me, when I was possessed by the diary... that seems so long ago now._

But sneaking out in those sleepless nights was harmless mischief. Today she was breaking and entering. Then committing theft of dangerous materials from the most terrifying professor at Hogwarts.

On each landing, a multitude of corridors lead to different classrooms. On the second floor she decided against going past the Great Hall. Two weeks ago she had inconspicuously asked her twin brothers about recent changes in Filch's nightly strolls. _I should be safe._ _His office is located far from me._

_He could still show up._

_I know._

A single staircase separated her from the darkness of the dungeons. _I swear, I would severely injure to get Harry's invisibility cloak._

_The freaking cat! _Panic.

Mrs. Norris displayed her bulging yellow, lamp-like eyes. Raising up her scrawny skeletal body, the cat penetrated her. Just as silently, she pulled out her wand.

_Which freaking spell? I can't harm it._

As if reading her mind, the cat turned and readied its body to run.

_Stupefy!_

A bolt of green light extinguished the dirty look of contempt. Already feeling uneasy about the outcome, she levitated the cat out of the way.

_I don't remember anyone using such a powerful charm. I have already crossed the line. _

There was no point to sneak around anymore. She started a slow jog, hoping both her silencing and stunning charms would hold. Filch was always somewhere near the cat.

It was dark, and she hid in the alcoves. Ginny wondered how curfew enforcement could be improved. There could be lighting in the corridors. _Perhaps the magic behind that is inconvenient... No. It would be so easy to make the portraits stay up all night, alerting Filch instantaneously. Or an alarm charm. Why won't they do it?_

_Maybe Dumbledore is comfortable with kids sneaking out at night. Kids being kids. To keep up the appearance of order, a fierce caretaker is needed for the reckless._

_But Voldemort is back. They’re so blind._

In her second year, the plan to free Sirius Black had backfired. Instead, Voldemort was revived. The Dark Lord soon regained his power. In the summer after, the deatheaters had already joined him and the muggle death raids began.

Just last year, at the final task of the Tri-Wizard tournament, Harry had been summoned to a fight until death. She remembered looking down at the dead body of Cedric Diggory. Ginny had felt the full fury of Lord Voldemort inside her.

The Burrow had been declared off limits just a week after arriving there. By Dumbledore's orders they were forcefully relocated into number twelve Grimmauld Place. She was grateful. But only because it was not another summer in St. Mungo's. In all other ways, everything had gone horribly wrong.

Before leaving, she had tentatively agreed to exchange a few owls with Draco Malfoy. This agreement was sudden and suspicious.

But he had proved his trustworthiness. _He brought me back the diary of Tom Riddle. That must’ve been so difficult for him. I had to agree to some.... owl correspondence._

Ginny had received two uncommonly friendly messages from the Slytherin while still at the Burrow. But any exchange of owls was forbidden once at Grimmauld Place. _Hermione and Ron could filter theirs. But I was off limits._

She bit her lip in suppressed anger and bitterness. _I need to concentrate, if this bothers me so much I can think it over later._

Her eyes could no longer adapt to the pitch darkness. In preparation, for the past two days she tried to walk the distance from the entrance to the potions chamber with her eyes half closed.

_Straight ahead until the crossroads, then right, then straight for around twenty steps, the third large doorway is the correct one._

As the Gryffindor opened her eyes she saw a metallic plate engraved with cursive letters. "_Potions - Prof. Severus Snape"._ This was not the main classroom, and she had noticed there were many chambers in the dungeons dedicated to potions. _But this is the right one._

The lone Gryffindor student pulled out the key from her pocket. And in the darkness found the keyhole.

_This is it. _She couldn't contain her anticipation. As she slid the key into the keyhole, she could no longer keep her heartbeat steady. _I have done a lot of things here at Hogwarts, but nothing like this._

The key turned twice, and she could hear the mechanism clicking. Trembling, she pulled the round doorknob.

Shock and panic overcame her as she leapt backward. The doors were not moving.

The key had fit, and it had turned. But the doorknob did not open the door.

_No, oh no, no._

She tried again pulling harder. This time trying to both push and pull the door as if it was stuck. But as much force she applied - it was no use. _This makes no sense. They key fits, I heard the mechanism, but.... why?_

Ginny pulled out her wand and in an act of desperation whispering the unlocking charm. _Alohomora!_

She felt shame. _I need to calm down. Alahamore will never work. I need to calm down, before something bad happens. I need to think rationally. I'm running out of time here!_

Her grasp on reality had been waning in the past weeks. _One last chance._

_Finite Incantatem!_

This spell was one of the most powerful spells in any wizard's arsenal. It was part of a group of magic called _'pure power spells'_ or sometimes _'brute force spells'._ A_ ‘Finite Incantatem’_ delivered by professor Dumbledore would break through immense protection. But Ginny knew she was no match for Snape's handiwork.

Nauseated, she could feel the floor beneath her move. All the planning she had done, the dangerous actions she had undertaken. _Will it all end in this failure?_

_Voldemort made me the victim for the darkest curse imaginable. I have no one else to go to. They could, they would… imprison me for life or even worse. If only they knew..._

Every single step going forward had been planned. She needed the ingredients first. Then a ritual, a horrible vile undertaking going much further than just petty theft.

_I would be myself again._

Her heart clenched. Deep forgotten despair resurfaced. The pangs of guilt and regret then - they had been mind-numbing. It was like an attack from a dementor. She felt all happiness drain from her soul. Her heart smashed and broken.

_I guess this it. If this doesn't work out. It's only a matter of time until I, Ginevra Weasley stop being in control of my own mind and body. I will cease to exist._

Standing alone in the pitch darkness of the dungeons, she tried her best to look for positives. For any reason why, she could still make this work. _I still got tomorrow…_

By every passing moment, she knew deep down that she was not a quitter. That no matter what happened, even if she was cornered and the chances of getting out were close to zero she would never give up. _I will fight. I will fight right now. What's left, what can I do?_

Professor Remus Lupin came to her mind. He had not been a professor at Hogwarts for more than a year now, but she felt compelled to show respect to someone who treated her the same. Their weekly meetings had been indispensable. Thanks to him, she was able to attend Ancient Runes a year earlier, and he was the one who had convinced McGonagall to move her up a year.

_He probably laid out my whole mental case to accomplish that._

After retiring as a professor, Remus had begun an in-depth survey of the theory of magic. Once in a while, sulking to her how badly it was going. But she took in every single word he lamented. No other professor at Hogwarts had taken the effort to dig down into the fundamentals of what made magic work. Not to mention, share these findings with a student.

_All protective wards are just a series of runes. There are gate runes, control runes. And then the various channels through which the fundamental force of magical current is transported._

With renewed vigour, Ginny put her wand against her forehead. A habit she had acquired when deep in thought.

Minutes passed in disturbing darkness. Nothing moved except her shallow breathing fueled by adrenaline. Slytherins had told her Filch did not like the dungeons. _What are the chances they did not lie?_

For wards to work a source of magical energy needed to exist. The castle of Hogwarts solved most of these problems. It was built in an area full of flux lines - the passages in which magical energy drained, transported and preserved in.

_Sedificium Exserio!_

This was the basic charm thought at all levels of Ancient Runes. It displayed the most significant parts of the schematic beneath. But the amount of detail revealed depended both on the skill of the caster and the creator. It was obvious if the key wasn't the only piece of the puzzle, there were a network of runes extending the protection.

As if smoke lifting away from a grand entrance, she could now visibly see the labyrinthine pathways that connected the numerous runes that made up the backbone of the sophisticated protection before her. What was revealed were several years above her learning, but many individual components were familiar. _Now I just have to observe the connections very carefully._

Right away she could see the outlines of a complicated magical structure. It was based solely on two_ et non_ gate runes. Literally translated as "not and" or NAND. Each of the _et non_ worked by having two inputs and a single output. A simple _et _gate rune, translated as "AND", would take its two inputs, and if both of them were true the output of the gate rune would also be true. An _et non gate_ rune was the opposite. Meaning whatever the two inputs, the output would send a signal. Except for the case when both of the inputs were true, then the return signal would be none.

A single gate rune was not enough for any serious protection. All it took was to modify one of the inputs with a strong enough magical force and the return value of the mechanism could be manipulated.

However, when two _et non _gate runes are combined they make what is called a _Set-Reset Latch._ It's a structure that stores a single bit of information. The two _et non _gates are merged together, each of their output going back to the other's inputs. This way the wards store information of whether the door is locked or not.

Ginny turned the doorknob and nodded to herself. When the doorknob turned, inputs for both gates lit up. This meant that the SR Latch relayed the saved state to the main locking mechanism.

It was easy to change the state of the SR Latch. All that needed to be done was to set the right values for both of the inputs. But right away she knew this would be impossible. These were very high currents of magic, powered by the castle network. _I can't alter these without injuring myself._

The gate runes weren't atomic constructs. For a gate rune to work, it had to be comprised of two control runes. Control runes had three connections, the source, the drain and the gate.

It was possible to change an _et non_ gate rune, by manipulating its inner control runes. Thus, making the SR Latch store a positive value. _A value that will open the door._

These were not topics she had read in depth about.

_I need to alter the gate of the control rune. This is so confusing!_ _Another gate, Its so easy to get muddled. _

_The gate runes and the gates of the control runes are different things! I have to ask Remus who thought up this ridiculous naming scheme._

She raised her wand in preparation. _Which control rune? Am I sure?_

But deep down she knew it was too risky. _I'm just in my fourth year. Yes, I'm at the top of my class in sixth year ancient runes, but that is nothing compared to this. I have not studied these latches, and I've only heard about these gates. It's so confusing. I feel so ashamed of myself. My life is on the line, and I have not studied hard enough._

Ginny bit her lip again, this time hoping to draw blood. Hoping for fresh pain to sharpen her attention. Her mind was racing, and she felt as she deserved a physical beating. Slowly, calm images of her dear friend Remus Lupin flooded her mind. _He will help me, he is the.... the only one I have._

_I hate lying to him. Even to save my life._

She barely caught herself, before starting to pace wildly in the middle of the drab corridor. Deep in thought, she had forgotten about the hostile surroundings.

_What if I try one more time? Blast a control rune at random?_

Making up her mind, she began the long way back. It was painful to turn towards the exit. Every step inflicted shame and renewed defiance.

She could feel self-loathing, and a mocking voice in her head affirming her weakness. To turn back and try again was not an option. Finally making a sojourn up the staircases, she tried to find solace in the fact that she still had tomorrow. _It had to be done tomorrow. if they catch me, I have to flee this place. Where to? _

_Wherever it takes. I'm poison to these people._

As much, as the thought about abandoning Hogwarts unsettled her, it was the only way out. _If my plans succeed, maybe, just maybe, I could find some very powerful and very dangerous allies._

But Ginny knew Remus's expertise was not enough. At least the parts he was willing to share with her tomorrow. There was someone else. A person she had not talked to for months.

_Draco Malfoy._

The neverending darkness made her uneasy. It was effortless to imagine monsters lurking around in the shadowy corners. Instinctively, Ginny touched for her neck. To make sure she was in one piece, and nothing had possessed her or injured her. _I'm losing my mind. Calm down._

It took considerable time for her to get back to the third-floor corridor. Her tiny heart racing and her breathing shallow. As hard as she tried to take a deep breath, the air was not coming in.

Intense fear was spreading, overcoming her. And the terror from being discovered intensified. Only the despair from carrying the dark curse was greater.

It had taken a dozen minutes to find her way into the dungeons but motivated by paranoia her jog back was steadfast. Intermittently, she cast quick glances back. _I have to take as many corners as possible._

_There are not that many ways out of this mess. I really could ask Draco. He knows the dungeons in and out._

But Ginny's mind was filled with shame and regret. For the past two months she had not spoken more than a couple of words with the boy. _Why didn't I tell him about the Order rules?_

But Ginny knew why she hadn't told any of it. She had purposefully broken their relationship. One that had slowly developed into a friendship. _I had to do it. After he brought me back the diary. All the studying I did on the dark magic behind it._

Ginny shuddered, remembering the dark books she had found in Grimmauld Place. _And then I finally discovered it. Why... everything is so wrong with me._

_If only he knew... and even then, if I had a chance to fix it, he would never agree. He would detest me._

But deep-down Ginny felt her subconsciousness protesting. _He would understand. My motives are noble._

_Noble? I'm so fucked up that nothing I do is noble. _The truth stung, and she wanted to shut down the urge to approach Draco Malfoy.

Finally resigning to at least give it a shot, the redhead grunted much louder than she had wished. Ginny had anticipated several hours of sleep. Until the arranged meeting with Remus on Saturday morning. Now, she had to get up a few hours from now.

There was one specific spot, where all the _'bad' _Slytherins met in the mornings. _A gruesome place._

As the final staircase aligned, Ginny suppressed a yawn. Something unexpectedly had moved in the corner of her vision.

Yards away from the portrait hole, a dark shadowy figure was glimmering. Both of them were too far from each other to be identified. Panic engulfed her, adrenaline pumping and her pupils wide.

As her vision focused, distinctly plated hair glowed in the somber darkness. The white glow was coming towards her in strides. _It can't be Snape, having sensed some kind of alarm. Does he see me? Am I hidden?_

Panic striking her, and all rational mind perishing, Ginny grabbed for her wand and held it high. She felt as if in a fight of mortal danger. Recollections of disgusting trauma in her summers of being isolated. Ginny said firmly and authoritatively. "Stop!"

The person in front stopped moving. Now alert. Trying to spot the source of the command.

_What am I doing? I'm making no sense. That could be a professor. Or Filch!_

Ginny cringed in fear as she heard a loud girlish laugh. _Why are you laughing? _ "Who are you?"

"It's funny." A cold, detached voice replied in a melodious tone. It sent shivers down Ginny's spine.

She knew the voice. It was not an enemy. But Ginny was paralyzed in fear. Still not moving out of her corner. The way Luna Lovegood laughed and spoke unsettled her. Her best friend in the entire world. But sometimes she thought that behind that mask of ignorance was a madman. Always hurriedly she pushed away these thoughts. _Luna is my friend. I love her._

"Luna. Oh my, you scared me, I'm sorry that I pulled my wand on you. Something just clicked, I was afraid." Ginny faked her smile and her hand gestures, acting approachably. Too distraught to really feel the part. Only glimmers of her true self emerging. _There is probably no point hiding I'm up to no good, she sees right through me._

"I don't mind, Ginny." Luna replied quietly and laughed in a serene, transcendental manner. "What are you doing out so late?"

Ginny sighed, and rested her back against the stone wall. "I couldn't sleep, you know. I was by the lake. You?"

Luna nodded. "If you say so... meeting somebody from your house."

Ginny felt her curiosity peeking. _Something romantic?_

Luna continued. "Whisk away that expression from your face, Ginny. I'll tell you the particulars a bit later. We can chat tomorrow morning. This is not the right hangout, anyways. But I did hear Dean was asking about you. I think he really likes you."

"Oh." Ginny blushed, faintly remembering memories she shouldn't. Unfortunately, about a completely different man. "Dean? Well... I don't know."

"Why are we talking here? We should talk inside... Do you want to come inside the common room?" Ginny asked cordially, discovering her true warmth.

Luna winked at her, before turning and leaving in a gallop. "I was already there.".

She shook her head and whispered the password. _All the secret sex happening between the houses. How am I not part of it? _The portrait didn't hear anything. Luna had charmed it when she had come in.

She had mixed feelings about the dreamy girl. Sometimes she scared her. Other times, Luna was her only friend except for Remus. _And he is just a weirdo._

_I don't know what to do with her._

_Or feel._


	3. Safe Haven 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos guys. :)

Pressing her back against the cold outer wall of Hogwarts castle, Ginny tried her best to relax. It seemed the early morning sun was set to aim dead straight into her eyes, no matter where she turned to look. There were distant sounds of poultry cocks making belated hymns to the autumn sun.

"You look quite sleepless." Blaise Zabini, the chief arrogance officer at the house of Slytherin remarked.

"You should apply for the Ministry's auror department. They are scouting sharp wits like yours."

"You do know it's bad for you?" Ginny pressed on, feeling a spark ignite inside of her.

Zabini laughed, and took another smoke from his cigarette, outwardly savoring the act.

Waving away the disgusting smoke with her palms and ignoring the smoke puffs Blaise was making at her, Ginny tried to gather her thoughts for the conversation that was to come.

"You're waiting for Draco." Zabini concluded in a smug tone that implied he had made a grandiose connection.

"Another sharp assessment." Ginny bit back sarcastically. "Do I look like someone who is associating with anyone else of your kin?"

"Well-" Blaise, furrowed his brow, preparing to reply, but Ginny cut him off. "Who the fuck else would I be waiting for? And, fuck it, I will take one." She said reaching out a hand.

Zabini smirked, now distracted, and took out another cigarette from his pocket. He lit it himself as if assessing the quality, and then passed the butt. "You do know this is bad for you?"

"Fuck you." Ginny laughed, taking it. She turned away from him and pretended to take a deep pull. Turning back, she made a small inhalation to light up the tip.

A plan already hatched in her mind, she repeated the imitation and asked Blaise. "Why do you like smoking so much? Every time I have tried it, it doesn't seem to feel that good. What's the point?"

Zabini grinned. "Practice Weasley. At least you are not coughing anymore. Nothing comes easy in life."

"HEY!" Zabini yelled at her in annoyance. "Why did you have to do that for?"

With an equivalent grin she had thrown the cigarette to the ground and stomped on it with her foot firmly.

"To annoy you, Slytherin scum."

Zabini sighed at her. His expression angry. But she could not bring herself to care.

It was obvious for her to recognize the utter hopeless addiction the smokers of Hogwarts had sunk into. At first you had to fit in socially, then maybe you could appreciate the effect. But it lessened, and the original high could never be regained. And at a point it was more accurate to describe the cigarette as a living parasite using you, and not the other way around.

Her subconsciousness finally waking up, Ginny could feel her own cognitive dissonance. _And me? Am I not in the same boat? Just a different substance?_ Not wanting to deal with the hypocrisy within herself, Ginny directed her mind in the same way she had been thought at Occlumency. _They thought me how to protect myself from Voldemort's influence._

_I bet Remus never anticipated I would use it on myself._

They were situated quite close to a rarely used Hogwarts entrance. It was inconvenient to get there from within the castle, and it was in the back of the fortress. Ginny was sure at some point it had been locked, and the caretaker still supposed it to be so. Untouched by the harshness of the late autumn, there was a field of greenish grass stretching from the doors to where she and Blaise stood.

This was the place where Slytherins, and the_ 'bad people'_ of the other houses met. _Mostly Slytherins of course._ But regularly she noticed last year Gryffindors, and seniors from other houses. Most of the commotion will come half an hour or so later. When gossip and black-market trade will commence in full swing. Ginny Weasley did not like the hangout and neither the people frequenting it. Instead, the bet she had counted on was materializing this very second.

Draco Malfoy was coming towards them. Handsome as ever, and even at this early hour impeccably dressed. His tall frame and commanding pace making her dizzy.

As he approached, Draco shook hands with Blaise, and regarded Ginny with a guarded expression.

It was a combination of anxiety, sleeping draughts and sleep deprivation that made Ginny blurt out a phrase so unexpected she stunned herself.

"Hey Draco! Wanna make out?" The sentence began in a teasing manner but ended in a long yawn.

"I see you have slept well, Weasley." Malfoy replied coldly, and his voice carried undertones. _What is he implying? Slept well? Is he really saying that.... Ignore him for now, he's angry._

_But, why did I have to say that? I need my mind to mouth filter examined._

_He reminds me of Snape._

Ginny knew she had to get Draco Malfoy away from Zabini. Their conversation had to be private._ I have to throw my pride aside, he is the only one that can help me._ Draco knows the dungeons in and out, and possibly could have easier access to the rooms. To navigate in the darkness. _And I trust him. I have to trust... someone._

"Malfoy. No, you are correct. I couldn't fall asleep tonight." Ginny replied, trying to carry as much undertones in her voice as well. Attempting to remind him of their shared sleepless memories. "Can you come with me? I want to talk to you."

Draco Malfoy did not move, his face an emotionless mask. Ginny detested the expression he was giving her, it made her feel small and vulnerable. Again, for the first time in a long while.

Annoyance rising, she felt herself losing social inhibitions and appropriate modes of conduct. Knowing quite well she was about to cross the line, Ginny cried out. "Come on Malfoy! You are really weird sometimes."

"I have not seen you for more than half a year, Weasley." His words were outwardly calm but made Ginny squirm with their intensity.

"Now you come here. Uninvited. And you expect me to obey your orders?" Each sentence was uttered articulately and evenly, extinguishing her vigor.

"Get off it, Malfoy, and don't be mean to her. We do not do that here! All houses are welcome in our illicit activities. It's the free market forces that motivate the economy!" Zabini tried to lighten the mood. "And of course, she is invited. If not by you, then by me. If only to see a corrupted Gryffindor. Want another smoke Weasley? This time no sleazy tricks."

"Shut the fuck up Blaise."

Blaise Zabini did not reply, instead as a stereotypical Slytherin he continued to observe them. An unwelcome yawn overcoming him. Both Draco and Ginny did not exchange a single word, and finally Blaise sighed in discontent.

Ginny was faintly reflecting on everything that had happened in the last six months. How their whole plan to exchange owls had derailed. And then after discovering the unthinkable, she knew she no longer could possibly explain it away.

_I knew that instant, I could not tell him. He would not understand._

_And now I've left him in the dark. He could be thinking anything. He could be thinking I'm now with.... Dean or whomever. And all that we shared means nothing to me. But it's not true! If only he knew, if only he understood what I'm going through right now, this whole mess..._

But not a single lie she could come up with made any sense to her, and Draco was the last person she wanted to deceive with elaborate make believes.

Deep loneliness and sadness emerged from deep within her soul, and soon she was no longer able to control it - caressing her as a mother would a child. _God dammit, I need to stop the sleeping draughts and this sleep deprivation. I'm getting too emotional. This is not me. I'm strong. I don't ever feel lonely. I don't feel sad.... it's not like me._ _To almost want to cry.... what for? Illogical._

Still under the sudden influence, Ginny grasped for words. Her subconsciousness was screaming _'I'm sorry'._ But Ginny was pushing it away as hard as she could. After a prolonged silence the two rival eyes met, both holding their gaze unwaveringly.

In this single instant of eye contact, she tried to disclose everything. Her fear, her regrets and her pain fueled by desperation. But she couldn't ascend above this glass wall between them. Or shatter it to pieces.

Zabini didn't bother her. Between the two of them there was so much unsaid, so much unresolved. They both were like imprisoned in top security prison, and the only visiting hours were rare and permitted through a glass barrier.

_I can't open myself to him. I can't bring myself to surrender my trust._

_I'm afraid... he will hurt me._

Zabini was shuffling his feet loudly, trying to bring attention to himself. "I have to admit, I enjoy these tirades of romance, but even for me this is getting a bit too awkward."

He nodded at Draco. "So yeah... see ya guys some other time. Both of you."

"In a few minutes most of the crowd will come down, and if you plan to do any kinky stuff - be quick about it."

Uncharacteristically, Draco did not swear at the rude comment, but nodded back at Blaise. The deserted pair now both leaning against the old stone wall, observing how the outspoken Slytherin made his way back towards the castle.

"He is right, Weasley. If you have something to say to me, say it now." His tone brittle.

Gathering up her courage, Ginny turned away from him. Now looking far into the distance, she spoke a single word she had no recollection of ever uttering aloud. "Draco."

Looking back, she could tell by his body language Draco was surprised to hear his first name. And for the first time in his stone-cold facial features she noticed a flicker of emotion. _Confusion._ _Why is he confused?_

Ginny bit her lip and scowled. She was never so frank with her facial expression with anyone else in the world. She hoped she could show Draco her feelings. Only in her face. To say them out loud was too much. She never confessed her true emotions with anyone. _Only lies, and half-truths._ _He is still so angry, his face so cold. _

_And he never shares anything with... me._

Realizing she was gazing at him, Draco seemed to process her various facial expression. But all Ginny could ascertain was more confusion in his mind. "You have never... called me by my first name."

She tried to hold herself together. "Does it bother you, if someone not from Slytherin says that to you?"

“No.” Deciding instantly, he replied. His tone warmer. "You can call me by my first name if you wish. But this is not why you are here for, is it?" And her glimmer of hope for reconciliation faded as she was transported back into the reality of her predicament.

"No."

Expectantly, he studied her. Regarding her as a striking object in the night sky. Beautiful to look at but filled with unimaginable destructive power and full of unresolved mysteries.

Ginny blushed under his gaze. "I need your help." As he did not reply, she pressed on. "I... I want to break into Snape's office."

Still no response.

"Tonight. I have the key. It just didn't work yesterday when I was there alone. Come down with me please, you know the dungeons."

All inhibitions lost; Draco burst into laughter. "Wow, Weasley. That was definitely something I didn't expect from you. Of all people!"

Trying to contain his amusement, he declared firmly. "Sorry, I'm not going to help you do that."

His laughter and ridicule threw her completely off balance. Her emotional attachment was pushed aside by the sheer anger overwhelming her consciousness. "What the fuck Malfoy! Help me do this!"

"No." He laughed even harder.

"I can't believe you won't help me." She half-yelled. Irritation mixed with despair.

"I just love that look on your face. You're all worked up." Draco smirked. "Look, that's Pansy coming!" His smirk at her even wider, as if executing an elaborate revenge strategy that was coming together.

"Go FUCK yourself Malfoy!" Ginny yelled, and turned to stomp away in annoyance. Leaving mere moments before another Slytherin snake could drop in.

She maneuvered through the grounds swiftly, choosing a longer pathway through the nearby tree line. Going the full distance around the castle, and back to the main entrance. Her irritation lessening, she changed her mind, and set course for the Black Lake.

_I had to know he would decline. And that arrogance! Once he gets a thing into his mind there is no way of changing it. _

_Good, that I left right away. If I had pushed him further, his decision would be carved into stone._

Reflecting upon this, as another one of her recent failures, Ginny pondered whether her attempt had been in vain. Since early childhood she was used to doing everything on her own. She was confident in her abilities, and the assigned private lessons along the way had helped. A meeting with Remus was a few hours away, and he always had the right answers. _I just have to come up with the right questions._

Countless reflections glossed over the surface of the Black lake. It was unusually warm for the end of November. Resting her back against a large tree stump, she closed her eyes, and sat in serene contemplation. This was one of the techniques she was slowly teaching herself after numerous proddings from her minders. A way to clear the mind from thoughts, to cleanse it from trivialities.

But despite her best efforts, memories kept flooding her mind, bringing up unwelcome associations. Professor McGonagall had given her a charmed blanket in her second year that still worked by some miracle. It had been a temporary measure. The stigma of the sleeping draughts made the staff seek any alternatives. Even as harsh as having Ginny staring at the lake for hours at that tender age. _But it did not last long._ _Not like the blanket. The blanket is still useful, it has some powerful area effect. Definitely something to investigate._

But these were not the thoughts she was unable to suppress, so that her attempt at meditation would succeed. Instead, the conversation she had just had with Draco Malfoy was replaying in her mind as an old disk player stuck in a loop.

This was the place Draco had approached her alone. After that single instance, in her manic first year. Here, their first real exchange of words had happened. _Not many words... maybe some insults._ Ginny laughed at herself in remembrance. _But it had gotten better since then... until now. _

_Don't think about him. It's no use._

Subconsciously, she knew if only he wasn't a Slytherin she could admit there was a bond there. _If he was from my house, we could go out on a date. I would force him no matter how mad my brothers would get. _

_But's he's a Slytherin. I can't even associate myself with him. My family, my house would crucify me._

_No._

Giving up the task of clearing her mind as a bad job, instead she tried to focus on the issues. _How can I make him change his mind?_

_What does he want in return?_

_Excluding sexual favors that is._ And as that thought crossed her mind, she felt disgusted at herself._ I am not a whore._ But the thought continued to linger in her mind. Sex was a triviality, compared to the real danger of losing who she was as a person.

Dozens of minutes had passed with her looking dead center at the Black lake, and in a moment of sudden clarity she felt as if the lake and not she was gazing at her. That she was the lake. That she had become the blackness and mystery of the Black Lake itself.

_Maybe the meditation did work._

Finally, reconcentrating her gaze, the last possible option came to her. _I could try talking to him again. There must be some capability for reason in his mind._

A familiar, dreamy voice startled her out of her reverie. "Hello, Ginny!"

"Hey, Luna!" Ginny greeted her warmly, trying to suppress another unwanted yawn. "You surely don't sleep much either. How do we keep bumping into each other?"

"The Heliopaths!" Luna laughed, and pointed at the stars as if this was enough of an explanation. While holding her finger up in the air, her breathing slowed down and her pupils dilated.

Well used to her antics by now, Ginny shrugged. "We know so little of the stars. Maybe you're right."

"I heard Dean talking about you, again."

"You already said that."

"Oh. Did I?" Luna frowned, more internally. "Yes, but I heard him this morning again."

Luna had a remarkable sense of repeating herself, and it annoyed her. But friendships were made that way, both romantic and otherwise. You had to see the positives in your partner and the little quirks that annoyed you - better get used to them and appreciate the good. And if you can't - it will never work. _There is no perfect match, just how much are you willing to put up with._

"He will ask you out, you know."

Ginny sighed. _That seems so far down the list of things I care about right now._

_Perhaps I could use him somehow. To convince Draco? _But all she could think of were far fetched ideas with no basis in reality.

She hadn't thought about Dean. _I could use some positive attention. A few sweet romantic encounters to lessen the load off my mind. At least for the moment._ But she did not feel attracted to Dean Thomas. _I guess once my mind is set on someone, it can't be steered off course. _She considered the validity of that statement.

Luna was thoughtful. "I don't think he is right for you, either. You know, if you want my opinion." With Ginny's non-committal shrug, the dreamy blonde continued. "He's all fun and games, but I can feel it. Inside, there is ruthlessness and a kind of disregard for the rules. A kind that leads to resentment. And resentment leads to anger. Anger leads to hate...."

_And hate leads to suffering._ Ginny tried to suppress the urge to tell Luna she had by now memorized her favorite quotes.

But the answer was unexpected. She looked at Luna, now seriously, as if awaking from her less than requisite sleep. "You are serious about that, right? You think there is something there I don't know about?" But as Luna did not budge she decided to go on the offensive. "Where do you meet with him?"

Luna raised an eyebrow.

"Your lover." Ginny had no idea which of the Gryffindors it was. "I mean if you're not from the same house, there must be a safe place. I guess, right now, it's outside, but in the winter?"

"Oh. You mean Neville."

Ginny forced herself not to roll her eyes, and it took considerable effort. "Neville? Cool!"

Now forcing herself to be happy for her friend she tried, and succeeded to find real empathy. "I'm so happy for you. How is it going? You have not mentioned it at all."

"It's fine. We meet at the Room of Requirements. At night nobody's there." After Ginny's enthusiastic urging, Luna continued. "It has become quite serious. And I think it's mutual."

"So, you're a pair? At least unofficially.” Ginny asked, feeling she had the authority. “No longer single?”

Luna considered the inquiry as if it was the final question in an O.W.L. grade arithmancy.

"I suppose, both of us expect that we will not be seeing anybody else, if that's what you mean."

Ginny beamed at her friend. Now feeling emotions, she had often forgotten were part of who she was as a person, in retrospection remembering them only far back into her childhood. "I'm so happy for you. I hope it works out, Luna."

But as she finished the sentence, Luna had already turned away, and was motioning for silence. "I think I saw a small fleet of Gulping Plimpies. Hang on, Ginny!"

Knowing she had a few minutes until Luna will be done, Ginny decided to spend some time being mindful of the difficulties of having a friend like Luna. The blonde had a hard time discerning truth from fiction. Quite fast Ginny had noted her sharp wit, and her capability to assess social situations. But purposefully Luna chose to ignore the norms and lead her own existence. But there was a critical flaw in her mental processes, sometimes it was funny or just a joke, but Ginny suspected something worse.

Luna had repeatedly told her privately that she felt as if she was led by a divine force. And that she could communicate with this force by sometimes gleaning into the omniscience of a God, if one indeed existed. Slowly, Ginny had tried to steer Luna out from these fantasies, but they seemed too far embedded into who she was as a person. It would be a cruelty to attempt any kind of a _'fix'_.

As always, her paranoia-stricken mind conjured numerous scenarios in which her best friend Luna Lovegood might become a liability. Not being able to assess the dangers of a situation. Not following strict orders in real peril. Failing to make logical deductions that would impact her and other people's well being. _It's harmless. She's nice. _

_Don't think about it. We are all in the DA. That's the real assessment._

"How is your DA practice coming along?" Ginny asked conversationally, bringing Luna back from her near by expedition.

Luna Lovegood shrugged, not expecting the question. "Since Harry called us, all together in Hogsmeade, we all have been attending. We are paired together sometimes Ginny, remember?"

"Yeah." Ginny tried for a small laugh. _Not sure why I even asked that._

The rigid and spiky tree stump she was resting against was the only thing keeping her awake at this point, but a sudden idea hit her. "Luna, I met a first-year Gryffindor girl last night. She couldn't sleep. You know.... the castle being scary and all that."

"What if we had her in the DA? I know we don't accept first-year students. But could you help me convince Hermione to make an exception?"

"Shouldn't you talk to Harry?" Luna asked.

Ginny sighed. The power dynamics of the Trio were difficult to navigate. "No. Hermione will make the decision. I just need some support. Can you tell her that she's a distant family member or something?"

_Well, that escalated quickly._ She thought to herself as she considered the white lie, she had hatched in an instant for someone else to enact.

As Luna hesitated, she knew she had to sell the idea fast. "She's just like you Luna. She can't fit quite in. Nightmares, every night, and she is sleeping in the common room. If we give her a sense of community. A network of trusted people to reach out to… it can go a long way."

"Tell that she's your cousin. Her name is Anne."

Ginny knew Luna will not reply right away, or maybe even not at all. But she was determined to let the otherworldly blonde think the idea through on her own.

After the return of Lord Voldemort last summer and the formation of the Order, Harry Potter had taken executive action, and summoned everyone he knew to gather up and train. What had seemed as a boring social activity to her at first had quickly blossomed into something precious. Ginny could finally asses her magical power. To train uninhibited, picking up techniques from others. The results had been eye-opening and unexpected. _I’m good at this. Or that ... something... in me.... is good at this._

"But you owe me one, Ginny." Luna said in a settled tone.

"Alright." The Gryffindor grinned back. "Thanks. Once you meet her, you'll see. The DA is a good place, good people."

Luna Lovegood was nodding her head in agreement. "Harry always praises you." But not being able to resist, Luna added with a small girlish laugh. "But his eyes are only for Cho Chang."

Several minutes were spent imitating the various facial expression Harry Potter made, and the excuses he came up with to assist Cho Chang. The two girls giggled in hilarious laughter. In a moment of sudden lull, Luna grew serious. "I sent my dad a letter that I'm attending. And he's so proud. You wouldn't believe it. He always told me how Harry Potter was the most important asset we have. Without him, we would be blind."

"Leaving the fate of our world to chance, yes, I know Luna. You have told me this before." Ginny smirked at her. _I don't think our viewpoints could be even more diametrically different._

There had been immense pressure applied to her too look up to Harry Potter as her savior. Numerous people repeating she wouldn't be alive without him. Slowly, this notion had faded. Instead, she felt annoyed by the very existence of an entity like Harry Potter. _He's so special. And he knows it. Exploiting everyone else with his moral high ground and bogus innocence. Always receiving the kid glove treatment. _

_And somehow, I'm the mental case. I have to receive 'treatment'._

"Ginny?" Luna asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She smiled back and readjusted her body posture to appear more friendly.

"I've been spending some time with the Moon Frogs recently." Luna began.

_Oh, no. Nothing good ever happens when Luna spends quality time with the moon frogs._

"Since you returned here for the trimester you've been different. I hadn't noticed it before this clearly, but is everything alright Ginny?"

"Does anything seem wrong?"

Ginny sighed, forcing herself not to dismiss the question, and attempt a response. _I can't tell her the truth. I can't tell anyone._

"This year they did not make you go back to St. Mungo's, did they?" Luna asked, and her voice was laced with empathy.

"No." _I would not have gone anyways, might as well expel me and put me in Azkaban for resisting. _

"I just have a mild depression. Everything that had happened to me is now over, for a lot of years now. I have finally come to grips with everything, and I'm ready to move on. That brings a certain sense of melancholy with it." As she spoke, she could feel her heart sinking. _Nothing of that is true. I've never felt this bad about lying to someone._

Luna displayed a myriad of emotions and expressions while hanging out with Ginny, but never had Ginny seen real concern in her face. It was as if the veil had been lifted, and the make-believe world of Luna Lovegood parted aside for a tiny moment. And in that moment Ginny knew Luna was scared for her. _She knows. She knows I'm not fine. And she's.... sad. She's sad for me. Oh, Luna._

"I'll be fine." Ginny said, feeling the needed to reassure her. "Don't worry about me."

The dreamy blonde suppressed a reply she wanted to make, and instead directed her gaze back towards the mysterious lake. Now speaking in a tone more befitting of her and Professor Trelawney. "You were there to help me. From bullying."

Not expecting this kind of a turn, Ginny tried to focus. Thrown completely off balance. Too many events were happening too fast, and she felt herself struggling to keep up. "That was awful what they did to you. And completely uncalled for... anyone who is capable of standing up as a human being would do that."

Luna laughed weirdly. "Standing up as a human being?"

Ginny shrugged. "And it was easy for me. I have an artillery of brothers. All I had to do was tell them you were my friend, and then threaten to send them off on a mission. I got lucky in life in that regard. I had the resources."

_Resources? I'm now talking complete nonsense. I liked her, so I helped her. And now she's my friend. Same could work out with little Anne. Why can't I take credit?_

Realizing her cold tone and dismissal, Ginny was stung by a fit of sudden melancholy. "I do have six brothers Luna. Everyone's so masculine. And Hermione's practically a boy."

They both giggled at her comment. "The way she acts! All bossy all the time!"

"I don't have any siblings Ginny. My mother just died too early..." Luna mused. "But I would be happy to consider you as my sister."

Ginny's throat constricted, and she could feel panic rising inside her. That word meant a lot to her, and she would not have allowed herself to say it aloud. It was something out of the norm. Reserved only for the closest of friendships. To hear Luna say it aloud shook her, making her mental processes crawl to a halt. Right away trying to downplay the comment, she replied. "Yeah. We're really solid. But you know... as I said, anyone would have done the same..."

Luna laughed at her. "Ginny... sometimes I think you are the weird one."

_What?_

"I never think you are weird!" She insisted dishonestly.

"Thanks." Luna Lovegood's smile was infectious.

Ginny knew she had committed very hard to their friendship and formed a strong bond. But it scared her to have that commitment echoed back. To know it was a mutual. _I don't want to ruin it. I don't know what to do. How to act? Is she expecting more from me now? Can I ever change and still preserve our friendship?_

Her rational mind kicking back in action, she finally managed to find the right words. "For the time being you are my seventh sibling Luna. Let's hope it lasts."

With Ginny still slightly uncomfortable, they successfully shifted the conversation away. It was still an hour until breakfast, and they decided to the take the long stroll around the Black lake. Moving their conversations back to the regular school gossip. Using the opportunity to unfairly vent about professors and their stupid dormmates.

The walk was long and the exercise welcome. The social activity calming her. As they were closing in on the castle entrance, she couldn't stop her thoughts drifting back to her mission. _The Room of Requirements._

_I will get the potions ingredients and I know the place for the ritual._

_I just lack the most dangerous of the three. And I don't have anything as romantic planned as Luna._

Finally, entering the Great Hall they separated, and a far-fetched plan had clicked into place. _He might still say no, but he will be tempted._

_But now breakfast, a quick nap till afternoon, and a private study with my favorite professor._


	4. Safe Haven 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I extended this chapter with an additional section, working on editing the next one at the moment. :)

Chairs were magically levitated away, uncovering an open space in professors McGonagall's office. The smell of black tea and freshly cooked biscuits was overwhelming. Pushing back the unwelcome associations related to the office, Ginny struggled to keep her concentration steady.

Although her eyes were closed, she knew Remus Lupin was observing her carefully. Towering over her with his wand raised. Purposefully probing her mind with suppressed legilimency. The technique used did not train her to hide her thoughts from others. That might only happen as a side effect. The goal stated to her clearly was that she had to learn self-Occlumency, and there was no other way.

Instead of invading, Remus summoned unwelcome associations in her mind. In this state she was vulnerable, and a shield could then be created, trained and maintained.

"You are doing good, Ginevra." Remus said softly. "Hold it for a moment longer now, and then we will take a small break."

After a brief silence of Remus wordlessly executing the necessary spells, he spoke unexpectedly. "Here we go!"

The barrage of attacks against her mind began. Soon she could see the most restless of her own nightmares. The Chamber of Secrets. Her laying on the floor. The voice of Tom Riddle, Voldemort himself possessing her. _No, that is nothing. _

_Is that the worst you can do Remus?_

She never knew quite how much Remus could peek in, but she was sure he could participate in some of it. A large room full of people. Her family, and of course - Albus Dumbledore. Her mother crying. _No, not because she feels empathy. Because I'm damaged. By some kind of a curse. Nobody can tell._

Arthur Weasley, insisting he wants to wait until any signs show. To not come after it preemptively. But the wise headmaster is not to be reasoned with. He insists on putting Ginny in the dark curse section of St. Mungo's. _He knew they won't find anything. It was all lies. To get me to the mental ward._

"Ginny." Remus voice came from far away, like she was in the other end of a long tunnel. She knew she had not heard his previous comment, and now the information was coming in bits. "You can't... anger... help.... Dumbledore."

"Yes, Remus." She felt herself moving her mouth, but it did not feel like her own. Neither did she hear her own words.

Boring white walls. Away from friends, away from family. Locked up. The curse breaker healers going over her for days. After not finding anything she is moved away to a different ward. A single visit from Dumbledore. Him telling her she has to be moved, and they will help her. That this is no ordinary curse.

It was almost three months later in September when she met her family, just hours before leaving for Hogwarts. _I was never the same._ _And they could tell. _

_It was not the imaginary curse. It was your doing._

Ginny often wondered, if any of her family members ever considered they had been the ones that had changed her. After giving in to Dumbledore's insistence. The imaginary force that could not be proved or discovered had not been at fault.

Just hours later, stepping out of the Hogwarts Express, Professor McGonagall had greeted her privately. Stating repeatedly, it was all on Dumbledore's orders. Ginny was to attend once a week a special lecture with her. Where Minerva McGonagall would inquire about everything that was happening with her pupil. At that point scared from further persecution, she knew she had to keep her mouth shut, and act however the professor wished.

In St. Mungo's sleep was mandatory and as easy as closing one's eyes. All of the senses and inclinations were stripped away by a simple draught - not in any sense pleasurable. Now, on her own, her sleep pattern was broken. Soon she discovered it was no use even trying. Instead, she was lying in the common room most nights, and not long afterwards going for walks in the corridors. Confused and delirious. She had stopped caring about being caught.

That September had been warm, and it had not taken long for Ginny to start going outside. And to get caught many times. She had evaded Filch often, but it had been inevitable. He had turned her in. Her head of house furious. But the same pattern repeated. No matter how angry McGonagall got, Ginny still couldn't sleep.

Soon after noticing the black circles beneath her eyes, the transfigurations professor saw that she had to aim for a different solution. The threats of expulsion stopped soon afterwards, knowing perhaps Ginny wanted to leave.

_I don't think at that point I wanted anything or even cared about anything._

A temporary allowance was given to her. To go outside and rest if it helped her. But as September progressed without much progress, Ginny was finally given sleeping draughts.

At first more of an interrogation, the nature of McGonagall's private questions changed. She saw that Ginny was naturally curious. Instead of prodding her, Professor McGonagall answered questions about transfiguration and magic. Soon afterwards, perhaps after an order from Dumbledore, the self-Occlumency lessons began.

It was a year of incredible uneventfulness. The sleeping draughts were powerful and carried her through most of the year. Erasing most of her working and long-term memory. Unsurprising to her, the moment the Hogwarts Express landed in London she was forced back into St. Mungo's.

But now experiencing the different environment, and perhaps the lack of proper sleep, Ginny soon got violent. She hated being there. No longer scared. Her predicament seemingly hopeless and set in stone, she fought the so-called healers, and abused them with insults.

Finally, in her third year, McGonagall stated she had found a replacement. Someone specialized in self-Occlumency. But she knew it was just an excuse. Remus was the only professor she had liked in her second year, and McGonagall knew that.

Remus was assigned to come once a week to provide her with special tutoring. Finally vowing to herself to never go back, Ginny invested her efforts to master basic potion making. Slowly she progressed towards making her own sleeping draughts. With time exponentially less toxic and more powerful.

"Excellent." Remus loud firm voice was finally processed by her psyche.

As coming out of a deep sleep while still not fully awake, she opened her eyes. There was a multitude of ringing in her ears. High pitched ringing and low-pitched wave like sound. Similar to hearing your own heartbeat amplified a million times but distorted into a low tone.

In front of her eyes she could see a myriad of dizzying lights, and then there were tracers when she moved her hands and feet. She labored to slowly get up from the meditative pose.

"Alright. We will do one more mindfulness exercise at the end of the lecture. This was superb." There was satisfaction in Remus voice. "You blocked me out completely."

Deciding against standing up, she parted her legs, and sat back down in a comfortable cross-legged position. Her mind had calmed, and now everything was back to normal. _The incredible depths of consciousness. The universe…. itself._

"As usual, when we rest, Ginny, do you have any questions for me?"

"I know we have been through this quite a few times, but I still don't understand your theory of magic. You say that the words don't matter. That it's the meaning behind those words." She tried to collect her thoughts, confident this was part of her training. _It's so hard to focus after that exercise._

Remus was observing her, nodding slowly.

"Let me rephrase that. The meaning or the idea itself... if I wanted to conjure a table. I would need to have the idea of a table in my mind."

"And not any specific table."

"Yes. The idea of what a table is by itself. The idea of what it means for a table to exist." She sighed, confused. "But why is that important? I don't get it, Remus."

"Let's consider a love charm. To make someone fall in love, you need to understand the meaning of love itself. You can't take an example of some person who was in love or you yourself. You need to know what love means as an idea onto itself."

"Erm...." She felt herself squirming, not comprehending the full meaning of his words.

"Before things are conjured, they exist in the immaterial world, Ginny. Everything that has ever been made, has been conceived as an idea first. And then brought from the world of consciousness and ideas - here in the material world." Remus explained in sanguine resignation.

Seeing her unconvinced expression, he continued. "I have the chapters that deal with this expanded. I will give you a reading copy."

Ginny nodded, trying to recall his words, and to piece together the meaning. _Why is it significant that there exists an absolute idea of an item? _

Remus Lupin was attempting to build a comprehensive study of magic itself. To gather up the disjoint works on this subject and to provide a unifying theory. _A theory of everything._

His drafts of the working copy had been passed to Ginny several times. With great delight he had given her his latest edited version at the Order headquarters this summer.

"Without my Ancient Rune lectures, I don't think I would even follow you." She mused, suddenly melancholic.

Remus laughed. "Ginevra, you are just in your fourth year. Your O.W.L.'s are coming up next year."

She did not respond. She did not like being compared to her year mates, not in any way feeling connected to the common man of Hogwarts. Ginny was not able to suppress her snort. "I'm not like them, Remus."

"Stop with that look on your face." Remus teased her. "Ginny, sometimes you are just too edgy for me."

"I think I'm still too dizzy to think clearly." She grunted, trying to gather her thoughts. "The rune books you gave me, Remus. Without them... who knows." And her mind wandered into dark places filled with hopelessness and despair.

"I... I actually was not the one who suggested the Ancient Rune practice." Remus treaded carefully. "I was against it. But you showed incredible talent and resilience. I'm almost sad that our meetings are coming to an end."

Ginny nodded, knowing now for several weeks that their arrangement had concluded.

"Ginevra, since we began last fall, we have had tremendous progress. When we first began Professor McGonagall, despite her other accomplishments, had not been able to teach you the basics. You were struggling."

She nodded, unwelcome memories surfacing.

"Now, as a side effect to the self-Occlumency, I see you have mastered the art of Occlumency itself." Remus was deep in thought. "And of course, as you know it's a two-way street. To peer into a mind of another wizard's soul. Legilimency is just the opposite side of the coin. I hope you never attempt it Ginevra. Is that clear?"

'Yes, professor." Ginny lied without emotion. _I'm sorry professor._

"You are instructed to continue practicing on your own. Can I trust you to not skimp?"

She nodded thoughtfully, trying to organize her daily routines to fit in another activity.

"Good. We have a meeting next week, but I am not sure if I will make it. So, this might be our last. Any parting thoughts?"

_What if Malfoy won't help me? I have to ask about the locking mechanism I encountered last night._

"I was doing Ancient Rune homework last night." Ginny lied. "And after experimenting I found an interesting locking mechanism. It was a set-reset latch with two _et non _runes joined together."

Remus frowned suspiciously.

"It's for one of my dormmate trunks. Any tips on how to open it? The problem I'm facing is that the incoming magical flow is too powerful to stop or change."

"It's most likely a gated latch, Ginevra."

"What does that mean?"

"That there are a two more _et non_ runes that are connected to an 'enable' flow. This flow is usually very powerful. Sometimes directly connected to the flux lines."

"The flux lines themselves..." Ginny shivered. _I would have been fried._

"A nasty trunk you got there." Remus comment made Ginny laugh nervously. "Want to elaborate?"

"Nope." She whispered knowing she was caught. Thankfully with Remus, it was not a big deal. _I just have to divert attention now._ "The terminology is so convoluted. There are gate runes. Control runes that have a gate. And now a gated latch. Can't you come up with better names?"

"I suppose, you're right."

"Wanna do the last exercise, professor?"

Remus nodded absentmindedly. "Ginny. There is one last topic I want to bring up."

_My short name. Oh, no._

"Lately I've been noticing you are more alert. More anxious." His tone was calm and neutral.

_First Luna, and now Remus. Why can't I get a breather today?_

"I don't know what you are talking about." She replied, almost against her will, knowing it was not the smartest thing to do.

"Ginny, I see you are training very hard. You are putting in the extra hours. Every week you come to me with these more and more difficult questions... is there something you want to tell me?" And in that moment, she almost squirmed beneath his gaze.

_I'm so bad at lying. If only I was a true sociopath. Instead I feel bad._

"What happened to me those almost three years ago was horrific. You know that. And now I'm finally coming to grips with it. With that chapter in my life concluded there is a certain sense of melancholy, and some slight confusion. Because life carries on." Ginny repeated the same spiel she had given Luna.

Remus frowned, processing her words. And for a split second he was almost convinced, but then turned his head, and laughed heartily. "Ginny, don't give me that bullcrap."

_I honestly think that's a solid speech. They just aren't buying it!_

"What? What bullcrap?" She replied in mock confusion, trying to hide her own smile.

But her subconscious screamed danger. _I have to guard my mind. I can't let him in._

And still keeping her smile, she raised her Occlumency shields, trying to not disrupt the magical force around her.

"That important, eh?" Remus face had grown deadly serious.

_He knows. A pre-emptive defense was a mistake. I could have intercepted him._

Caught red handed, she knew she had to come clean. "I'm sorry Remus. It's..."

_What possibly could throw him off?_

"It's intimate, professor. Trust me, it's not anything dangerous. I'm just not comfortable talking about it with anyone except my girlfriends."

"Girlfriends?" Remus mused, trying to piece together her words, and seemingly falling into her trap.

_Nice! Now, he at least suspects it is romance related._

Sighing, her professor continued. "Cross your legs and settle down appropriately. We will do the last exercise. And Ginny... whatever it is… you can talk to me. You can send me an owl any time. Remember that."

"Thanks." Her smile this time was genuine.

She closed her eyes and waited until Remus Lupin would turn away from his long look outside the window. The mindfulness exercise began, and slowly she could feel her beating heart calming down, and her mind emptying once more.

Remus recanted the magical incantation she had now almost memorized. It was not enough to just meditate, to gain true understanding a magical aura was necessary. The wards around her were like soft hands caressing her, and she started to realize how sleepy she really was. As if on a ship, she felt waves pressing from both sides of her body. And all it took for her was to stop thinking. To evade and catch every thought that came forward.

In that moment, Ginny for the first time in a long while felt truly safe. As if thrusted away from the infinite mess that was her life and her mind. To be with ease with oneself.

Time stretched out. Distorted by the lack of sensory stimulation her inner clock was signaling it will be the end of the lecture any moment now.

There was a distant knocking sound, and she could feel Remus getting up. The caresses of the waves lessening as the meditation wards were waning. Tentatively, she opened her eyes, and saw Remus let the person in question into the room.

Albus Dumbledore. Tall, with an ornament clad robe, entered McGonagall's office. He motioned with his hand for Ginny to keep sitting. And she had to close her eyes again, returning to her meditation.

Whispers could be heard, but they were too muted for her. Her mind still engrossed in the universe.

The two men spoke just for a brief moment.

"Ginevra." The loud authoritative voice of Albus Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Yes. Headmaster." She replied suddenly alert and trying to get up.

"Ginevra, please stay sitting. We must finish." Remus reminded her.

"Can you come into my office tomorrow morning around eight thirty?" Albus Dumbledore asked.

"What for?" She couldn't help herself.

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad." Dumbledore winked at her.

As Ginny nodded her compliance, Remus Lupin let Dumbledore out, and closed the doors.

***

Expecting to do some pre-weekend studying in the Great Hall, Ginny grabbed her bag from the common room, and was now bouncing down the stairs. It was important to meet Draco, and in any way let him know about her revised proposal. As she entered the largest of castle's rooms, she inconspicuously threw a glance towards the Slytherin table.

_He's there, but he's not looking._

Turning back to her own table, she felt instant regret. The Gryffindor part of the hall was filled with people she had wanted to avoid in the common room. Most of the DA and Dean Thomas was sitting there.

_I absolutely don't need this right now._

The first-year Gryffindor girl, Anne, was looking at her from the other end of the table. Noticing that, Ginny smiled back at her. The gesture was returned shyly. Still hoping to notify Malfoy, the redhead turned once again towards his table, and this time he was looking back. She raised up her hand, and faintly pointed her finger towards the door.

_I'm not sure he got that. I can't do anything more._

Annoyed, she sat down opposite to Hermione, who was completely immersed in her reading. Harry and Ron were dutifully sharing her lecture notes, and copywriting their own version. Making deliberate and lazy mistakes on the way. Still hoping Draco would approach, Ginny pulled out her own notes and started to go over them.

As if shaken out of a deep trance, Hermione began to speak hurriedly. "Oh, Ginny, glad we finally ran into each other!"

"What is it, Hermione?" She couldn't keep the reluctance out of her voice.

"The DA meeting is tomorrow night, of course." Hermione was bustling with enthusiasm, for reasons unknown to her conversation partner.

_What kind of a book is she reading? A copy of 'Guided psychedelic investigation of Metaphysics'? _

_All I see is an astronomy textbook. _

"Did Luna get to talk to you?''

"Yes, she did as a matter of fact." Hermione's tone grew less enthusiastic.

"And what's the decision?"

"I have not talked to Harry, but I think he will agree. She can come." Hermione concluded, shooing Harry to continue writing.

Ron had taken the opportunity of Hermione's inattention to grab another piece of her notes. Most likely a piece of just finished homework. Her eyes lit up in annoyance, and she shot him a death stare. Not wanting to get involved, Ginny nodded and returned to her own work.

"What do you think about this squiggly line?" Ron asked Harry, deep in contemplation.

"It's great, Ron." After looking at it, the other boy concluded with a suppressed smirk. "Looks very authentic."

"Are you making up fake divinations again?" Ginny asked, not being able to turn her attention away.

"Nope!" Ron almost yelled across the table. "We are imitating making mistakes in potions ingredients list!"  
  
"Why would you do that?" Ginny was confused. "Snape will kill you."

"No. We already have everything written down from Hermione accurately. Last time he graded us zero, because everything was correct." Ron could not keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"What a nasty son of a bitch!" Dean Thomas yelled, hitting his hand against the table, and earning distraught looks from the rest of the hall.

"Here, here!" Ron bellowed back to him.

"This is not our common room! For Merlin's sake!" Hermione scolded both of them equally.

"It's not the library either... boss."

"How am I bossy?" Hermione pouted in righteous indignation. "Harry! Do you think I'm bossy?"

At this point Ginny knew she had to tune out the conversation. _Maybe another peek at what is Malfoy doing?_

She did not manage to take a look backwards, because Anne had approached her. She moved further away from Hermione, so as to give her an empty seat. Moving her bag out of the way and looking up she realized she was now looking directly at Dean Thomas - who proceeded to greet her warmly.

"Hey to you too!" Her tone lukewarm.

"Ginny?" Anne greeted her in a tone that was almost a question.

"Hey, Anne! How was last night?"

"Great. Thanks. It worked. I suppose..."

"Good. We didn't even get introduced properly. I'm Ginevra Weasley. But everyone calls me Ginny."

"I'm Anastasia."

"Yeah, I remember. We got stupid long names in common." She laughed.

"I wanted to talk to you about the Day-Ayh."

"Yes. The DA. What about it?"

"You signed me up." Her tone was neutral, innocent.

"I asked around. We usually don't take first-years."

"Oh. Will it be hard?"

"Nah. It's all about having fun. And afterwards you will be sleepy. It will help you mentally." Ginny mused, trying to not get into the many details she wanted to share on this subject.

Anne nodded uncertainly. "Tomorrow night?"

"Yes. We can meet up and go together if you wish." She offered, uncertain if Anne would take her up on the offer.

Anne smiled, but kept silent.

Ginny nodded. She was interrupted from coming up with a more relaxed topic by the obnoxious cat calling coming from Dean Thomas. At least once a week, he yelled at the Slytherin table.

_Just for a healthy fight. _

_It's ridiculous. Must be from his upbringing. Muggle customs._

Coming to a sudden halt, knowing she was watching him, his whole mannerism changed. Dean Thomas smiled at her brightly.

"So, I was thinking…." He hesitated, almost shily. "Ginny, would you consider... that son of a bitch!"

Draco Malfoy had stood up from his table and was looking at the Gryffindors. "Sod off Malfoy! Why do you even have to look at us?" Dean yelled across the entire Great Hall.

Ginny was sure he hadn't rose, because of her signal. He definitely had some other agenda.

_Or maybe he did see my signal, and I should go too? _

_It has to happen tonight; I can't let him off the hook._

"Just ignore him Dean, what was it that you wanted to say to me?" Ginny failed to stop herself just moments after realizing how wrong this could go.

"Oh, I.. er.. would you mind going to Hogsmeade with me next week? I mean…. like on a date?" He was flushed for the first time in his life.

_Fucking, piece of shit, Malfoy. Why couldn't you come sooner? Now, I see, you DID notice my signal._

"Ginny?"

"Oh?" She turned back to him angry. "He just distracted me... you know the Slytherins. Never know when they're gonna slit your throat."

Dean laughed, still nervous. "Spot on!"

_What do I do? Oh no... he is heading now to the Entrance Hall. I have to follow him._

"Ok." She replied automatically, trying to get away. "But now I must go and study. I have to finish before lunch. I hate studying after I have eaten."

"Oh, seeya! See you then I mean." Dean bellowed after her as she was already bustling out of there.

Still disgusted with him, she carried her sweetest smile until finally she was out of viewing distance. Draco had noticed her noisy departure and was slowing his pace to let her catch up. They exited the Great Hall together and hurried away from prying eyes.

"What is it?" His tone was cold, but his facial expressions neutral. Giving the impression of an auction where a rich businessman was appraising a precious object.

Ginny blushed, trying to disarm her opponent. "I wanted to talk to you."

As she refused to continue, and instead just smiled at him, Draco sighed. "What is it? Why are you doing that?"

She laughed. "Is it working?"

_Ok... no. He's annoyed at me._

"My proposal is the ultimate prank you can play on Potter." She began, knowing she had to get it out quickly.

Draco laughed at her and shook his head dismissively. His laugh making her uncomfortable. "Why do I need you?"

"I'm an insider. I can make anything happen. And I don't care if it is the most ruthless, immoral thing in the world."

The silence between them lingered, and her panic was growing.

_Remus did not help me, I can't get in. _

_Even if I do it tonight alone, I will have to trust him not to hand me in._

"Why do you need it?" And as Ginny looked up at him, she could see he had spoken the words involuntarily, already regretting involvement.

"It's related to the diary. To the whole... curse... thing. I have found a potion that will put an end to it." Her tone was deadly.

Draco nodded almost sympathetic, but despite her further facial pleas, he shook his head.

"Can I trust you not to say anything? There is gonna be a witch hunt no matter if I succeed or fail." She was now defeated and somber.

"Alright, deal. This is going to remain between us. But..." Draco Malfoy was suddenly struck by a thought, and he could not help, but take a step back and look away from her.

"Alright, Weasley." He paused dramatically. "I agree to help you. But there is a catch."

"I can't offer any sexual favors, Malfoy." Her joke failed to lighten the mood.

Draco did not laugh, but instead considered her carefully. "No. I hope not."

_You hope not? That's so patronizing!_

_Whatever… let him insult me…._

"I will help you ridicule Harry. To destroy him. No! Listen!" Ginny tried to stop Draco, before he could reply. "Do you remember how he snickered about you last year after turning you into a ferret. Trust me, whatever is on your mind. I will make it happen."

"I accept your proposal. But there is gonna an addendum. You owe me a similar favor. When the time comes you will have to deliver."

_That's vague, but he is not asking for anything binding._

Forcing as hard as she could to not jump in glee and accept right away, Ginny mimicked a frown. "How dark is the addendum?"

"Very." Draco whispered, reviewing her vigilantly.

She performed a brief theatrical pause, before finally answering. "Let's do this!"

"And one more thing, Weasley. After this is over, you will have to answer all of my questions."


	5. Safe Haven 5

Filch's loud wails from breakfast echoed in her head. No mindfulness exercises were able to exorcise them. After finding his betrothed cat stupefied, the caretaker had threatened the half-asleep professor McGonagall to raise up the whole castle if need be. Supposedly, it had taken a powerful calming charm to keep him from going through with his plan.

_If he catches me tonight, there is no chance in hell he won't try to indict me for last night. No due process._

They had arranged to meet by a certain bank of the Black Lake. A special place they had discovered together years ago. It was a long way down, and she was scared that the caretaker would patrol the outdoors tonight as well. _Perhaps, with Hagrid._

The pale marble floors echoed her footsteps despite her best charm work. Eventually as welcome salvation she opened the large Entrance Hall doors to the outside world.

It was exceedingly dark, cold and cloudy. No pale moonlight to speak about. Slowly, she made her way towards their meeting place, and stood by the tree line, looking down at the Black Lake. Seconds uncomfortably stretched into minutes.

Malfoy was nowhere to be seen. _Maybe Filch caught him?_

She pondered the improbable. _He would be blamed for last night. And then maybe hand me in..._

This time, there had been no one in the common room. Anne presumably had taken her potion, and happily went to sleep.

Usually, Draco didn't keep her waiting, and the possibility of something going wrong made her squirm.

Despite the darkness and the cold there was almost no wind. This autumn night was one of the warmest she had experienced. Almost a magical conspiracy. She had brought up the possibility to Remus. He had regarded her seriously for a moment, before bursting into laughter. _I did not know you were a conspiracy theorist. What's next?_

_Was Merlin assassinated?_

_Was the Titanic an insurance scheme orchestrated by the Gringotts?_

It was tedious not to close one's eyes, and rest for a moment. Now going two days with severe lack of sleep, she rested her head against the tree trunk, and tried to concentrate on the small noises around her.

All she could hear were distant waves crushing against the shore, as well as the sound of running water. She surveyed the familiar bank and the various tree stumps. _I haven't been here at all this year._

Two years ago. Still with the ever-warm blanket given to her, Ginny had sat here, and for the second time in her life had a full conversation with the boy named Draco Malfoy. After invading her sanctuary, she had immediately attacked him. Bringing up all accusations she could think of. But dearest to her - his father's part in causing her irreparable harm.

Draco Malfoy had been noncommittal, and avoidant of conflict. Compared to Harry Potter or other members of the Trio, he did not seem prepared to hex her or yell insults back. Instead he listened to her cries, looking more uncomfortable than angry. That first time leaving without a word.

She had been sure they had run into each other by accident. Something to never happen again.

During that month she had become more suspicious, having the feeling someone was watching her. But it took another full month until they finally met again. This time in the middle of winter. She on her ever-warm blanket. Now being out against McGonagall's orders.

_But Filch hadn't caught me yet. He didn't even know that I no longer had the permission._

This time, she had refrained from outright insults. Instead, she firmly asserted that she wanted to be left alone. But Malfoy was stubborn, and insisted it was a _'communal lake'_, and he was free to stand by it, if he so wished. Soon, she resumed her insults. But she had stopped abruptly, after one of her curses Draco had finally replied.

"I'm sorry about my father... what he did to you is unforgivable."

Stunned she had nothing to say. He equally surprised as well. That night without a single word they both had stood up and went back to the castle their separate ways.

During the remainder of her second year, now heavily under the influence of sleeping draughts, she still went outside in the early spring nights, and finally had the first tentative conversations with the boy. Abrupt and awkward at first, but slowly she had stopped being afraid of him.

Finally, footsteps could be heard in a determined fashion coming towards her. The sound of tree branches being rustled to make way.

_What if it's not Malfoy?_

_What if he considered this a practical joke? And now, to get back at me, Filch is here?_

She shook her head and parted from the tree, trying to see into the darkness.

_I am now thinking complete nonsense._

Despite firmly believing she was thinking nonsense, she made no sounds as she moved. Trying to identify the wizard or witch in front of her. They had no greeting signal prepared.

_Should I call out his name?_

Soon, she realized the folly in that. _I would completely reveal my intentions. I'm stupid._

The person in front of her had stopped, finally noticing her. Both of them sensing each other's presence. _What if it's Luna? _

_I keep bumping into her._ She mused. _It's rather as if she is stalking me._

They stood there for several moments - tension building. Deciding the situation was silly, she whispered in mock seductiveness. "My love?"

"It's you!" Draco was laughing at her. The noise of his laughter pleasing Ginny, as she had not heard it much.

"Hey! What else could I have said? I couldn't reveal your name."

"We need to come up with a better method." Draco concluded thoughtful. "I would have simply approached you, if not for that incident just before."

Finally, being near enough, she could see him pointing back to the castle. "I know you can't quite see my facial expressions... but let's say I'm frowning. Who was it that you saw?"

"That's why I was late." He spoke softly and initiated their walk back towards the castle. "Behind one of the pillars. I mistakenly thought it was you for a moment, but as the person did not step forward, I assumed it was someone else - busy in some other midnight business."

_Nothing can hinder this night._

"Who was it?" She repeated, now more authoritatively.

"I don't know."

"I did not see clearly. It couldn't be Filch or one of the staff..."

Both scared and deciding to soften Draco, she grabbed his hand. The motion surprised him and made both of them stop. "Don’t scare me, Draco."

"Whoever it was could still be out here. Waiting for us, maybe observing us right now." She mused.

"You look afraid." He replied emotionlessly but did not let go.

"Sometimes, I'm thwarted by these sudden, intense pangs of fear."

_I hope he doesn't think I'm as mental as Luna._

"Alright, let's go the long way. Around the morning meeting place. It's all the way on the other side of the castle."

_Thanks. _She wanted to repeat aloud a million times. At least in this exact moment she was not alone.

After her second year and the second visit to St. Mungo's, she arrived at Hogwarts guns blazing - determined to show resilience. She had overcome the depths of misery and loneliness impressed on her by the mental institution. _When you realize the world is dark, harsh and cruel…. you do not escape that by being told it is not true._

_Instead you must get stronger._

After being informed she will be meeting with Remus instead of McGonagall, the second person that had come into her mind had been Draco Malfoy. In constant sleeping draught intoxication, Ginny did not shy away from him the first time they ran into each other, again, by the Black lake. This time, she had said _'hi' _to him for the first time. It had taken her a great deal of bravery, and she was not sure what to extract from the tiny return nod he had given her.

Slowly, they were able to have whole conversations in the darkness of the grounds. She did not remember much of what was said, because of the memory loss that came together with her self-made vials. But what she could recollect was nice, polite conversations - devoid of anger and mostly about fluff subjects like their stupid schoolmates, Divinations or Herbology. She loved to tease Draco about Snape and he took it in good humor.

Their tentative friendship from the year before solidified slowly. Soon he revealed to her the secret early morning Slytherin-led black-market. Both of them attending together for a few times during that year. She was childishly excited about breaking rules and finally being with the in-crowd.

"Sorry for being weird." She whispered. "It's not like me."

"I had assumed so." The coldness in his reply a sharp contrast to his warm touch. The assertion stung, and she he had to take the blame. _This summer._

Ginny imaged an evil will looking at her from the shadows. It would separate them. And then make him hate her.

She had accidentally revealed to Draco that her family and Dumbledore had put her in St. Mungo's. Draco had conversationally expressed his distrust in the headmaster, fully expecting for her to retaliate or to defend the headmaster.

But instead Ginny had told the truth. Before, she had told only Luna and no one else. Seizing the opportunity, with closed eyes she recounted some of her experiences to Draco Malfoy. The mental ward, the regime, the so-called medication.

He listened without saying a word. As she finished her story and opened her eyes, his stare had shocked her. His usually well masked face for the first time had been set in horror. And she could swear, she could see genuine compassion.

He had shooed away these emotions instantly and talked distractedly about Ministry best practices he had learned from his father. She had been glad about this change of topic, as she had been dangerously close herself from bursting into tears. Having to relive her torment in recollection.

For reasons unknown to her conscious mind, she had stitched together a risky plan. And only Draco Malfoy could execute it. She wanted to bring back to her possession the diary of Tom Riddle. To investigate its dark curse. And finally, once and for all, figure out why was Dumbledore so afraid of it. What was inside that diary, and what did it mean for her well-being.

Days before winter break, she decided to act. She waved for Malfoy to approach her as that night's dinner was drawing to a close. She had talked hurriedly. Trying to show Draco how much it would mean to her. And that it was more her diary, and not his father's. That he owed her to give it back. Once again, he had been thoughtful and noncommittal.

After Christmas break, she had arrived back in Hogwarts and in a surprise move Draco had given her back the diary. Only just before handing it over did he ask why she needed it. Lost in the moment and full of hopeful anticipation, she had hugged him. Just about refraining from kissing him. He had been satisfied with this not so in-depth reply.

The numerous excursions into the restricted section did not help. She could not find anything about the diary. And the many spells she tried to reveal its curse - all returned naught. There was something wrong with the diary. At the very least echoes of a dark force.

But nothing could detect anything more specific. Even then she had started to grow suspicious, about the potential implications or the magnitude of the curse. It frustrated her to no end that every week she was in the presence of Remus. He would see the curse or reveal information in minutes. But instead she was on her own. _As always._

On the day of the departure from the castle, Draco and Ginny solidified their commitment to exchange a few owls during the summer. Unexpectedly, the Slytherin even joked about breaking her out of St. Mungo’s. A joke which earning him an instant hug. In her mind, nothing could have gone wrong from this point on. But as she arrived in King's Cross station the welcoming committee was nothing like ordinary.

A hasty relocation had taken place as soon the preceding day. No longer was her mother happily greeting her. Instead it was a long, boring drive to the moldy and unkept number twelve Grimmauld Place.

The rule of no owl communication was not in place for the first few days. Just a stark and repetitive reminder to not reveal the location. Draco had replied swiftly, and she had finally not felt alone.

The rules got skewed just days after their first exchange. Ron and Hermione were still allowed to write to Harry, but she was off limits. _As always, the special treatment for the boy-who-lived._

There trapped in her own thoughts, and engrossed in endless cleaning jobs, she had finally discovered the meaning of the curse. The implications dawning on her weeks before the return. As she met Draco in September, he no longer responded to her the same. Now looking back, she knew she had made a mistake by keeping him in the dark. But the revelations were too big. They consumed her mind, and she no longer was able to sustain their fragile friendship.

The walk back slowed down as they approached the back entrance. Her fear had diminished, and she decided to break the intense silence. "I think it's alright now."

"Thanks."

He let go of her hand, and she felt instant regret.

As usual, the rusty looking entrance was unlocked.

"Your feet are making noises." She whispered, trying to stop him.

He looked at her and frowned. She ignored his facial expression and took out her wand. Ginny quietly whispered the locomotion silencing charm and motioned for him to move.

"More progress on that?" He asked.

She nodded, too busy with her fears to elaborate. _It is now or never._

The pair descended into the dungeons, and finally they stopped by the door she had tried to unlock the night before.

She pulled out the key and showed it to her partner in crime.

"How did you get it?" He asked.

"I copied it from the original. I thought it's a simple metallic object. I am not that sure anymore. Perhaps the original key was enchanted? It does fit, thought." She inserted the key into the lock, and displayed how it turned, making a distinct clicking noise. As if reliving a horrible dream, the doors again did not open.

His facial expression was odd, and she was not sure what to make of it. "What?"

"Nothing. How did you manage to copy the key?"

"Oh... I created a diversion." She wanted to shrug this part of the conversation off. _This is not what we are here for._

Draco laughed at her, before realizing the multitude of echoes his voice was making. "You did that to your housemate?"

"Yeah." She returned his grin half-heartedly.

He shook his head and smirked. "You are evil, Weasley. Now pull that key out of the door, and let's go."

"What? Where?"

"To the potions chamber."

She did not move. Gears were starting to turn in her mind, and a sudden realization was dawning on her. _It couldn't be..._

"This is not the right door, Weasley. I have no idea why the key fits."

"If yesterday you were trying to open this door...it might be some other part of Snape's apartments. I have no idea what is behind it, but as far as I can assume this might be the room where he sleeps."

She gulped and started shaking her head violently. _You stupid, stupid moron! The wrong fucking door. _

_I am a fucking idiot. Is THIS why I asked Draco to help me?_

A new, angrier form of adrenaline had entered her system, and she had trouble looking at him.

"Oh, don't look so angry!" He tried to contain his laughter. Inserting a tinge of fake pity in his demeanor.

"Fuck you." She hissed softly, pointing with her hand for him to lead on.

The moldy dungeon corridors were not the place to linger around. Especially in the overbearing danger of an unsettled caretaker. She tried to initiate her best mindfulness exercises. To clear her mind of any and all thoughts. To observe them emerge and die. But as hard as she tried, her anger was spilling over. In thousand parallel threads, she was fuming at herself, Voldemort, Draco Malfoy and everybody else she could irrationally come up with.

They took two more left turns, and finally Draco motioned for her to give him the key. She turned it over and observed him unlocking the security mechanism.

She was still fuming as she closed the doors behind them. And quietly mimicked Malfoy's illumination spell. _Lumos!_

It was unthinkable to her, how she could have ever made this mistake. It was embarrassing. She had blushed because of the intense anger, but now calming down she was sure Malfoy was laughing at her inside. _I was too arrogant, too self-confident. I had to do more research. To question my steps more. This is the single biggest mistake I've made. _

_Yes, I am overreacting right now._

"What do you need? Do I know any of the ingredients?" His tone still carried condescension, but she could hear a productive question in the midst of it. "If we go at it together, we can be out of here as soon as possible."

"I have a list." The redhead mumbled to herself, attempting to bring calmness back to her brain. It will be time to lament her stupidity in a hours’ time, when she would be alone and wouldn't be able to embarrass herself even further.

She took the short, heavily incriminating piece of parchment out of her bag, and split it roughly in half. "If you don't know how an ingredient looks like - skip it."

"I know you are good at potions." Ginny lied sweetly, now regaining her composure. "But I need everything to be correct. Some of these components are advanced."

Malfoy nodded in manner that implied he just wanted to get it over with. "Even Snape praises you. I will ask, if I have no idea what something looks like. Besides... I'm good at a completely different branch of magic."

"Really?" She had trouble keeping her voice level and neutral.

"And brewing is more of a female thing, anyways." The Slytherin boy concluded smugly.

Knowing she had to hurry along, Ginny turned her wand around the room. _I need garlic root, a deep-silver pot, a bearskin clad funnell._ The list kept going on and on in her mind.

"There are a lot of items here." His question carried many undertones. "I got twenty or so."

"I don't need all of them. But we will have to find them. Just in case. Some of it... is a diversion. To make it harder to tell... what I'm about to do."

His loud voice broke the busy silence between them. "What are you trying to do?"

"I will tell you once we are done." She was in no mood to elaborate.

_Some of it, maybe._

She approximated that in this partial darkness and unfamiliar territory it would take them about twenty minutes to collect everything. _Perhaps twice as long._ This was the first time she was alone with Malfoy since last spring. And the first chance for her to make things right. She took a few deep breaths and tried to gauge the boy's mood. _How should I approach this?_

"I'm sorry about the lack of letters."

Silence. Broken only by their continued work, examining various cupboards and drawers.

"I had no choice." Her tone this time was more desperate.

"You surely had a choice." He was cold.

"I was not allowed to send letters." She tried to justify her actions, knowing full-well the trap she was about to set for herself.

"You could have told me this in September." There was no resentment in his tone. It was a quiet observation laced with confusion.

_I should have._ Ginny was glad they were hidden by the darkness. She knew she would not be able to hold his gaze.

"I wasn't at the Burrow. After you father's insanity in the Tri-Wizard tournament, Dumbledore collected a bunch of aurors and people loyal to him. We were all in a safe house during the summer."

"I am really not supposed to tell you this." She began, trying to garner sympathy. "But I trust you."

"What happened to Lucius?"

_I show you mine, you show me yours. You know that's fair, Draco._

_Isn't that the Slytherin way?_

Draco was silent and pondered his options.

"Azkaban." Considering the answer, Malfoy's tone remained surprisingly level.

_His father, his role model... locked up for life._

"Oh... I did not know." Ginny mused, unsure about the appropriate emotions she should have.

_I don't care. _

_His father tried to kill me._

"I suppose you are glad."

"What? Oh, Draco. I would be lying if I said I had any empathy with you." She laughed bitterly.

"I do not care if he's in Azkaban or not. I am presuming he has no more plans to kill me, of course."

"Empathy?" He was again confused.

"Well, aren't you sad he is gone?" She again tried to gauge his mood. _Something here is weird. I am being kept in the dark. Both by Draco and the Order._

"I suppose, I am." Draco's tone was final, and as if on cue he retaliated with a question of his own. "Were you in St. Mungo's this summer?"

Ginny's heart skipped a beat. She had divulged this information in confidence and so far, it had been kept. She was surprised Draco was mentioning it at all. _What is he thinking? Does he… care about me? Or is it just more information gathering?_

"No..." She hesitated. "Not this summer. You said yourself… that you are going to break in if that happened, remember?"

Malfoy forced a chuckle. A reverberation from a previous time. She disliked the forced nature of their conversation. Ginny wanted to break the ice, but no coherent thoughts came to her mind. All she could come up with were rehashed stories about Lucius Malfoy. Something she did not dare to bring up again.

From the few times Draco had mentioned him, she knew he held his father in high regard. It had been painstaking for him to apologize on his behalf, but he still had done it. The move so surprising, it made her look twice at the boy. Voldemort as far as the Trio and the Order was concerned, had returned to full power during her second year. As soon as Sirius Black had escaped, Peter Pettigrew had performed the vile ritual.

The final act had been to kill Harry Potter. And the Dark Lord had chosen Lucius Malfoy for this task. He had done his ungodly deed and sabotaged the Tri-Wizard cup. But as Harry Potter had escaped, Lucius had stepped out of his place. Deciding it was time for the deatheaters to take control he publicly revealed his associations. Voldemort had been furious. His goal of keeping the revival secret for as long as possible tarnished.

The wizarding world now fully aware of the danger approaching had attacked Lucius Malfoy and his estate. By miracle or more so by Voldemort's hand, the Malfoy Manor had remained unscathed. With Lucius himself nowhere to be found. Ginny doubted he was in Azkaban. Most likely hiding somewhere, biding his time until the next great war.

Not much words were spoken afterwards as they went through their lists. Draco seemed determined to get this over with. He worked quickly and admitted when he had no idea how something looked like. Ginny used all her willpower to not laugh at him and partly succeeded. Only once smirking, when he did not know how a basic gluing goo looked like.

"I'm impressed at you, though." She exaggerated the truth sweetly. "You do know some advanced stuff about potions. Snape probably drills you guys in private!"

Draco laughed self-confidently, and in the darkness of the chamber Ginny rolled her eyes.

Deciding to continue disarming him, she yawned animatedly. After what seemed like an hour or so of work, they finally had collected everything. Casually, she lowered her bag of potion items to the floor and sat down by it. Taking a few deep breaths, she rested her back against the chilly stone wall.

He had one more item on his list and had been trying to hunt it down for the past ten minutes. _It would be no use helping him now, he would think I'm interfering or whatever._

Curling her legs towards herself, she lamented her morning predicament. "It's now three or four past midnight... guess what? Tomorrow, or... today at eight thirty I have to be in Dumbledore's office."

"On a Sunday!"

"So what?" Draco looked at her and couldn't help but to smirk. "Though life, Weasley."

_Insufferable._

"And don't give me that look!" Draco added. With his body language finally exclaiming triumph, he put the last remaining item in the bag she had given him.

He took a look at his watch, and then back at her curled figure on the ground. Slowly, he approached and rested besides her.

Ginny knew this move did not come without hidden intentions, and she did not have to wait long.

"You said you will answer all my questions once we are done." His tone was unpleasantly inquisitive. "What exactly are you doing Weasley?"

She sighed. "The diary you helped me get from your father last year."

"What about it?"

She took a deep, uncomfortable breath. "I'm doing some magic on it."

He considered her response. Now asking the next question in a fully interrogative manner. "I thought it was completely destroyed. You told me that, actually."

It was evident to her she had to come clean. Or to go as far as she could at this point. "I don't know Draco, I thought it was. This year, in the Order safe house... I stumbled upon some dark books. It's a nasty old house…"

"It is the former home of the Black family. Quite an appropriate last name." She turned to him, expecting to be over with it, but he motioned for her to go on.

"And after examining it with more advanced curses, I think I found something. I might be wrong..."

The Slytherin boy observed her patiently, not wanting to interrupt.

"I think the diary affected me."

"No shit, Weasley! Look at you! You are stealing from a professor's office in the middle of the night!" Draco laughed and she couldn't help, but to join in.

"No." She tried to stop their laughter. "It's serious."

"What do you mean by 'affected you'?" His inquisition returned full blast.

_Alright, I’ll tell you._

"There is a ritual." She began, now looking away. "All these ingredients are part of a ritual. There are two more parts. This ritual should remove the curse that was placed on me through the diary." She sighed. "To be honest with you I'm unsure about it. This is the type of magic that is not well known... I don't know what will happen... There are no textbooks on-"

"Artifacts cursed by the Dark Lord?" He interrupted.

"Yes." Her reply was bleak.

"And after the ritual is done?" There was an eerie kind of hope in his voice, mixed with an emotion she could not place.

"I..." She spoke softly, almost afraid of the words themselves. "I think I will be free."

Draco glanced at his watch again, and then back at her resting figure. "I suppose we could sit for a bit more."

Looking at the pale, but very beautiful boy, she couldn't help but be lost in distant memories. Her first year. Consumed by Tom Riddle's diary she had executed his orders. Sunk into memory loss and self-doubt she had felt miserable. For the first time recognizing that there was something wrong with the diary of Tom Riddle. Her suspicions had been growing for several weeks, but after the second incident she knew.

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy among the top contenders for the possible heir of Slytherin. The castle full of fear and anguish. Finally, Ginny had made an executive decision. She had thrown away the diary into a vacant restroom - where it should have never been found. Full of anger and fear she had sought refuge in a nearby empty classroom.

There, disturbed by her loud crying, someone had entered her fragile sanctuary. At that point, she had been sure, the boy entering - Draco Malfoy - was indeed the heir of Slytherin. It was inconceivable to her that he would not petrify her. Surprised at finding her there Draco had not attacked. Instead, she had taken to lamenting and cursing him - with the ferocity of a cornered animal. Taken aback, Draco had tried to appease her in the most uncharacteristic manner possible.

He had stated loud and clear that he hated her brothers and they should be afraid, but she had nothing to worry about. He swore he had information that the heir of Slytherin would protect her. With her unending yells for him to leave - that had been their only meeting that disastrous year.

This recollection took only mere seconds in her mind, a jumble of flashing images and emotions. An unraveled mystery. Considering her next steps, and trying to come up with further potential contingencies, she considered the possibility of her dormitory being searched. It was not unthinkable. Although it would be most wise to incriminate someone else.

"Draco, could you take these two bags back to your room for the night?” She asked, crossing her fingers for good luck. “I will take them from you tomorrow evening." _I'm already asking so much of him._

"Don't want to get turned in?" He laughed.

"No. I do not. The possibility is remote, but I think I should be cautious.... can you do it?"

He made a committal grunt.

She smiled sweetly and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks."

The gesture was tiny, but almost immediately the atmosphere between them changed.

"I would let you carry your own stuff, but…" He stopped.

"But what?" Now it was her turn to be inquisitive.

"Nothing."

Ginny, now driven by something alike Felix Felicis, rested her head against his shoulder and said quietly. "Thanks."

He did not protest her gesture, and instead decided to take a low blow. "About what?"

"Finding the right door?"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck me?" He was now outright amused.

_How do I feel about him? _She mused to herself, now unashamedly resting against him. He did not protest, instead absent mindedly directed his wand around the room, taking a last look at the unusual collection of items Snape had acquired.

"There is gonna be a real mess tomorrow."

"I know. Are you gonna turn me in?" She teased.

"No." Draco's response was curt, and he resumed his idle wand work.

_I definitely am attracted to him._ _The fact that my whole family and everyone I know would instantly hate me does not bother me anymore. It would be welcome. To ruffle every single one of those retarded feathers._

However, for a while now, her uncertainty wasn't directed from within. It was the anguish of not knowing what Draco felt. He definitely responded to her. Right now, she was observing the trickiest of her experiments - his response to her touch, even if indirect through a thick layer of wizarding robes. _I guess I'm too scared of rejection If I go further._

Ever since their correspondence stopped, during the summer, Draco had started to invade her dreams. And no amount of sleeping draughts could eradicate him. _Thankfully._

_I already said sorry about the letters, and he did not say anything..._

Almost sensing her thoughts, he spoke up again. "Ginny, what happened this summer? Everything was going fine, the first letters from you were nice-"

"Nice?" She laughed at him suddenly more at ease. "You never said that."

"Whatever. Always evading the questions, Weasley. Distraction and diversion don’t work with me like with that stupid Harry Potter."

"And now I'm back to Weasley." She pouted.

"But after coming back, why did you not go back to normal? Even if they suppressed communications during the summer." There was confusion in his tone, and she felt several pangs of guilt. "You did not go to the Lake meeting place a single time this year."

"I'm sorry. It's all because of the curse, Draco. I learned about…" Her tone was dark, and she could not summon any playful remark.

The silence between them stretched out. She could feel Draco take a deep breath and ask resolutely. "Is it that bad?"

All the painful memories came to her mind, as well as the horrible associations that always appeared along with them. She felt ill and at the same time delirious. In that state, she closed her eyes to regain her balance. She lay there against the stone wall and the warm shoulder of Draco Malfoy for several minutes before finally whispering. "Yes."

The words were so final she felt herself momentarily drifting into unconsciousness. Her wakeful mind fought back, reminding her of her surrounding and the fact she did not completely trust the Slytherin boy. But since last spring, there was a new feeling of ease about the situation. A natural calmness had appeared - one not induced by severe intoxication. A kind of she wanted more of. Sleep finally overcame her.


	6. Safe Haven 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of part one. There are two more parts.

"Weasley, wake up." Someone was whispering in her ear. _I suppose, I should get back to the common room. Filch is on a manhunt, and Snape could find me here._

"Ginny!"

_I don't want to wake up. _

She brushed away this sleepy thought. There was something wrong with her surroundings. The stone wall, her support, was now gone. Before her unopened eyes there no longer was complete darkness. _And to think about it, I don't really feel my... weight._

Her eyes instantly bolted open. As they refocused, she could clearly see the face of Draco Malfoy. Above numerous large staircases extending above. _Oh, no._

"Draco?" She had never spoken his name more unsurely. _Am I dreaming?_

The feeling of floating slowly disappeared as he lowered her from his arms, and she staggered a tiny bit backwards trying to make sure her brain was wide awake.

"Draco!" She yelled at him, both amused and irritated. "What are you doing?" But she couldn't help but laugh spontaneously.

He was hiding his amusement. "What? I brought the items to my room. I guess I did not want to wake you."

"So, you carried me here?" She tried for an angry tone, but just ended up grinning at him in disbelief.

The moment was too much for both of them. Draco closed off. "You sometimes talk too much, Weasley. I wanted to get this over with in silence."

Involuntary, she attempted a light punch, which he promptly evaded.

"It's close to six. This is the last chance to get in, without anyone being in your common room."

"Oh." Her mind was now regaining its over-serious self and the magic of the moment was lost. She started to wonder how soon she needed to be in Dumbledore's office. Realizing Draco was still there, she looked up and smiled at him. "Thanks. I'll see you at lunch, have to set up a place where I can get my stuff back."

He nodded, his gaze lingering on her for a moment too long. She observed him walking downstairs as a staircase had just aligned. _Was that awesome?_ One part of her mused.

_Or did he seriously just cross my boundaries?_

Not wanting to make up her mind, she knew she had to turn. _So, if it's now six... and I have to be there at eight thirty. Oh, my fucking god... when is this going to end?_

The journey back to her bed was absentminded. Indeed, there was no one in the common room. _Does Dumbledore suspect something? Is this meeting a grand reveal of my guilt?_

These unlikely thoughts haunted her, as she silently slid out of her surprisingly messy clothes, stashed them away for hose-elf laundry and slid into her bed. The juices from the various waxes and oils had spilled all over her. _I hope he is after something stupid... like my grades._

After grumpily muttering the alarm charm, her sleep was uneasy. Her subconscious lamented Dumbledore's existence. While some other part of her felt as if the slight pulsating feeling of sleep reminded her of Draco's arms. A free-floating existence.

***

Numerous silver trinkets illuminated the room. Reflections bounced across the tea tray that had been brought there by the house elves. Ginny had arrived in an empty room. In mere moments, the large towering figure of Albus Dumbledore entered as well. Dressed in an ornamental robe, he exulted grandfatherly confidence.

"Good morning! What did you want from me, headmaster?" She began politely but ended the sentence in an overblown yawn. "Sorry, sir."

"No, no, don't be, Ginevra." He smiled at her broadly and motioned for her to sit down. "It's an early Sunday morning, and I just made you wake up before eight. This was the only time I could fit you in this week. A lot of unfinished business…"

Even with her intense dislike for him, she felt weariness from his words. _He has to be so busy. With Voldemort coming back, the Order, the Ministry… I have not seen him at all this trimester, why is he even bothering to have me?_

"Perhaps, a cup of tea?"

"Thanks." She responded sleepily, and took her cup, proceeding to pour in several teaspoons of sugar. In the process of stirring the cup, she arrived at a startling realization. Snape, discovering his chamber ransacked was sure to look for the sleepiest person at Hogwarts. This instantly made her alert.

_No more yawning! _She remarked, deciding to double down on her tea intake.

Dumbledore did not speak. Instead he had his back against her and was looking outside. Out of the stained-glass windows into the distant courtyard. There were multiple moments when he was about to speak, seemingly having collected his thoughts, but seconds stretched on.

Ginny sipped her tea unashamedly. Whatever Dumbledore wanted to say - he will come to it. There was no need for unwanted attention by being overtly polite.

"Remus came by yesterday." Dumbledore began, finally turning towards her, and giving her his full attention. "He reported on your progress."

She looked at the ground, unsure how to respond. _What did he say?_ But she resisted from speaking out.

"He told me you have achieved the goals we set out to accomplish. The self-Occlumency training, in his words, has concluded." He stated, his frowning temple sending uncomfortable chills down her spine. "Are you happy with your progress?"

She nodded. "If he considers me ready, then that is it." _I don't want for him to stop, but I can't do anything about it. I wonder if Dumbledore is mad at him for some reason..._

"He has helped you a lot, hasn't he?" He prodded.

His question summing all the dislike she felt for the headmaster. The suppressed memories of St. Mungo's, and the inadvertent trauma. It was hard for her to hide her hate. She held him responsible.

"Yes." She bit back, trying as hard as she could to keep her temper in check.

"Ginny." There was pain in Dumbledore's eyes. "You have to understand we are dealing with a very dark curse."

_No shit. I wonder how much you just suspect._

_And how much you really now._

"When professor McGonagall decided to hand over the responsibilities... " Dumbledore almost pleaded, taking a stop to think. "We were very unsure, Ginny."

Knowing her conversation partner's capacity to hurt her, she tried to grasp for the right words. To find a way to reassure the headmaster.

"Remus is an expert in mindfulness and meditation. Because of his ailment he has to practice daily. I understand he has successfully nullified the dangers in his transformations."

"Yes." She seemed to have hit the right chord as Dumbledore nodded gravely. "That is an astute observation. You have indeed much in common."

_Much in common, really? I am now a werewolf too?_

"I see your disbelief but bear with me... everything will be clear in time." Dumbledore mused, now more reassured with himself. "I will talk to him about the end of your training again. I need more information to make a decision, now that I have talked to you."

_What decision? He is always leaving me out in the dark._

"I asked professor Bathsheda Babbling about how you were doing in your advanced rune classes. She was very confident that your and Remus's request to move you to seventh year could be done, if you will pass this trimester test with the grade you have proposed."

"Thanks." She tried to portray her gratitude. _I have to have his support for this._

"This is extraordinary, Ginvera. In your fourth year - now in sixth year Ancient Runes." There was no tinge of pride in Dumbledore's tone, instead she was confounded by what seemed almost as sadness.

_Is he expecting me to flunk? What is going on!_

She could not hold her tongue. "Isn't that great professor?"

"Oh, yes. You are an exemplary student. Except for Rubeus Hagrid, who is not that content with your marks in his subject." Dumbledore laughed. "I said... it's extraordinary! You should be very proud. Only a few students I remember... in all the long years I've taught have moved up in Ancient Runes as fast as you have."

There were undertones in his last statement she failed to decipher.

_Only a few students?_

But Dumbledore did not wish to linger on the topic, instead he was already fixated on a new one.

"I have assigned professor Snape to Harry Potter. For Occlumency lessons as well." Dumbledore spoke slowly and solemnly. "Do you know about the nightmares he has been having recently, Ginevra?"

Surprised by the choice of topic, all she could do was nod.

"After Voldemort's return, we must take the most serious precautions. You must be wondering why I did not assign him Remus... but this is not self-Occlumency, I'm afraid. Professor Snape is much more qualified in legilimency. Harry will surely lament that to you, so inform him."

"Alright, professor. I will." _That's news. So, I presume, Voldemort is somehow breaking into Harry's mind? _She shivered at the thought.

"You share a bond, both a victim of a dark curse by Voldemort. And this is why I must ask something of you, Ginevra. Something very important. This was the reason I called you in here today." The headmaster's tone was grave.

"This is a rather sensitive matter. Can you promise me you will not disclose anything I am about to say to anyone else?" His blue twinkling eyes were boring into her brown one's.

She was taken aback. Dumbledore wanted to confide in something, and she had no idea what it could be. _Not only does he not suspect I broke into Snape's chambers, he wants to entrust me a secret._

"I promise."

"You are close to Harry Potter. As well as his two best friends - your brother and Hermione Granger."

She inclined her head once again, not daring to speak.

"Good. I think you are well aware of Harry's overt… let's say... paranoia."

"I don't think I have heard anyone speak about it so frankly…" She smiled. "But I am quite aware of it."

"No… and he is right to have some, considering the circumstances. I repeat, this is in strictest of confidence."

His statement made her cringe internally. _The boy who lived always in for the special treatment._

"Sometimes, I don't have my hand on the pulse... to speak quite candidly."

"Ginevra, you would do a lot to keep Harry out of trouble, wouldn't you?"

"Of course, sir." She lied evenly.

Ginny waited for him to continue, but Dumbledore seemed to be expecting more. _What the hell is he expecting from me? Some kind of a vow?_

"Sir, if Harry gets something in his mind - it is very hard to convince him of the opposite. He can be quite stubborn sometimes."

"I can, Ginevra." The headmaster's gaze was intense. "I can."

_Dumbledore wants me to spy for him? To hand Harry in, if he is about to do something stupid. That's something I did not expect. He… trusts me._

"You are close to them. If you think they are preparing for some kind of extracurricular activity - of any kind - you report to me!" He spoke deliberately, accenting 'of any kind'.

_Great! _She rolled her eyes mentally. _I have to act as if I am hesitant._

"Alright, I guess. I really want to keep Harry safe. To keep all of us safe. Now that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back."

Dumbledore nodded, his eyes in disgusting gleam. "Very satisfactory, Ginevra! I am sure you will enjoy your seventh-year ancient runes."

Trying to push away her hate for the man, Ginny smiled back sweetly. _This pure rape... and I just have to take it. _

_Spying in return for advanced courses._

As her active mind fumed in indignation, her subconsciousness had come to a sudden realization.

_I can use this!_

"Professor?" She tried to be as unsure about herself as possible. "What if I don't have any concrete evidence, but only hearsay?"

"Since Voldemort's return we must investigate every lead. Is there something that distraught you?"

"Yes." She said in mock hesitation. "Yesterday, last night…"

"Continue." Dumbledore's eyes widened.

"I think the three of them went somewhere. Under the invisibility cloak Harry has… but I don't know Headmaster where or why. All I heard was a conversation last night."

Dumbledore was silent and looked to the ground in contemplation. "Thank you, Ginevra, this is exactly what I am asking of-"

"I'm sorry." She interrupted tactfully. "I don't want them to hurt themselves."

Dumbledore smiled. "Of course not."

"Have I not... betrayed them? Harry would be so angry-"

"Ginny, we must protect those whom we hold dear, you are working for the greater good. And remember, this must remain strictly between the two of us."

"The truth." Dumbledore sighed. "It is a beautiful and a terrible thing and should therefore be treated with great caution."

_What a strange thing to say._

For several moments he remained deep in thought. After taking a glance up and noticing her, he seemed to remember something. "Actually, after my talk with Remus, he recommended you a book."

"I just have to recall where I placed it." The headmaster was still absent minded.

Surprised, she waited for him as he retrieved a large tome.

"I think, he has mentioned it to you. In his quest to map out the theory of magic… he had borrowed it from me for the longest time. Now, I can entrust it to you."

"Thanks!"  


She admired the title written in bronze lettering. _'Ancient Runes: A modern approach. Year 1850. Third edition.'_

But Dumbledore had trouble completing the sentence he was about to utter as loud footsteps could be heard from below.

Suddenly, the doors to the office blasted open, and as a madman on a rampage, Professor Snape lambasted inside. Just barely had Ginny managed to deposit the book into her bag.

_Act normal!_

"Headmaster." Snape whispered gravely, his full attention on the hoar man.

"What is it, Severus?" Dumbledore's calm demeanor clashing with Snape, who looked at Ginny in disgust.

_I have to leave. Now._

"Severus, I think you can continue. Ginny is now just leaving. Thank you for your time and our conversation."

She nodded, and exited the room as fast as she could, closing the doors behind her. A small part of her hoping she would hear nothing.

"SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY QUARTERS YESTERDAY-"

She had to force herself to proceed down the stairs. She was sure this corridor was enchanted, and it would raise red flags if she was caught eavesdropping. It took her a giant effort to leave. Snape's voice had turned into a growling howl. _He is mad!_

The two gargoyles considered her unkindly as she exited into the hallway. It was completely empty from chatter - as one would expect in an early Sunday morning. Ginny opened her bag and went through her items. _There is a DA meeting later today, but I am free for the day._

Slowly, she paced along the hallway, admiring the Ancient Runes book. As she looked up, the tall beautiful figure of Draco Malfoy surprised her. He was sitting, not too far away, on a windowsill. Looking at her expectantly.

Smiling hesitatingly, she greeted him with a wave. "Hi."

Draco did not grin back as she would have wished. Instead he bore into her intensely. "Snape is going mental. We need a fall guy. The prank you owe me... let's say we are going through with it right now."

***

The Room of Requirements was loaded with people. Young participants mingling with the old crowd. Students above fifth year, which was Harry's year, had arrived in droves for the past two weeks. The DA was growing fast and it was scary in its numbers. Ginny was not sure about the loyalty of the participants, but they definitely pledged it every chance they got.

"Duck... PLEASE ANNE!" She yelled out instants too late. Her small friend was hit in the chest with her _Iactus fulmen._ A low power, energy bolt charm. It was harmless albeit uncomfortable.

Anne laughed out loud while still laying on the ground. "I'm sorry, Ginny."

Laughing back, Ginny yelled for her to get up. "Come on! You can do it. Keep those disarming charms my way, it's only a matter of time until they land."

_Even if I have to give myself a handicap._

Anne got up, and Ginny resumed heartily. "Let's do this! Duck now! _Iactus fulmen!_"

The mousy haired Gryffindor girl just barely ducked out of the way and shot back instantly as instructed. _Expelliarmus!_

It was ill aimed and landed against a wall.

"Everybody! Ten more minutes. Last charms in." Harry yelled authoritatively from the other side of the room. "This is going to be it for the week!"

_Fuck. I need to concentrate on the plan._

"Like that?" Anne asked uncertainly.

"Fuck yeah!" Ginny yelled, grinning. "That was a good one."

Anne blushed.

That morning Draco had been adamant to force her into his plan. She had protested slightly, but overall it seemed like a good idea. He wanted to obtain a personal item from one of the Trio. This was her job. Then he himself would deposit it somewhere. Latter it would be found with appropriate fanfare. She had revealed Dumbledore's request, and Draco's reaction had been priceless. He was glad, but at the same time wary and unsure if the headmaster was not setting them up.

_He's too paranoid. I got this, just need to select the right item._

The chaos of a casual DA meeting was the perfect place. She had tried to look for items during the day, but the common room had been too crowded. It would send instant red flags if she visited other people's dormitories on her own. All day long she knew this was the only viable option.

_My diversion tactic worked well with Snape. Let's double down._

Not having anything else in her arsenal, Ginny observed her surroundings. Letting Anne concentrate her disarming spells on her, and only intermittently sending back a shield or two. Harry was the center of everyone's attention, directing and commanding the large group of people. Ginny secretly admired how much he had changed. Breaking out of his shell. Finally, in his element.

_I could take his glasses. Snape would recognize them._ Ginny laughed internally at the ridiculous idea that Draco Malfoy had proposed. In front of dozens of people, it would be more a cry for attention than a serious plan. _No, but he did want something from Harry, Hermione or Ron._

Hermione was training with Ron. As always, she had a multitude of bracelets and a necklace. However, observing the items, Ginny felt it would be too obvious of a setup. Ron was flunking behind her in every single DA meeting, his skills not as solid on the fundamentals.

_Expelliarmus!_

Ginny felt her wand flying out of her hands.

"I got it!" Anne shrieked in triumph, turning some faces.

Ginny grinned at her. "Great job!"

Anne came forward right away, giving her training partner back her weapon.

"Maybe it's too early, but we could try practicing the shielding charm." Ginny suggested conspiratorially.

However, Hermione had overheard her. "I don't think it will work, Ginny."

_Just because you can't do it properly does not mean…_

"Alright, let's do it like this. I'm going to shield, and you are gonna observe how your disarming charm bounces off." Ginny instructed. "Try to see what the bounce vector is."

"The bounce vectors?" Anne blushed.

"Where it goes."

Anne nodded in understanding. They separated and once the small girl was ready, Ginny cast the spell. _Protego!_

While Anne readied and shoot her disarming charms, Ginny continued her visual survey of the room. Ron was the last person left in her list, and the redhead was struggling with her options. But there was something nagging her subconscious. A feeling Ron had been mentioned in relation to Snape a while ago.

_Protego! _She strengthened the shield absentmindedly. And it finally struck her!

_The ring! The damned ring! Does Ron have it on?_

She turned violently. _It's there!_ _I have to take it!_

Anne was doing a good job landing disarming charms at her non-moving figure. Ginny tried to move and take a better look at Ron. There it was on his hand. The exact ring, two days ago, Snape had noticed on his finger and remarked about aloud to everyone.

_The ring he mistook for the wedding ring. I'm so glad I heard that conversation. Oh, no... Dean is looking at me weirdly._

It seemed Dean had been observing her for a while now. She had not spoken to him after his haphazard request to go on a date yesterday. Ginny forced a smile at him and turned away. To create a diversion some kind of a scapegoat was necessary. Right now, her twin brothers were the center of attention once again. They were dueling with fiery curses.

They were exceedingly close to the nearby tapestry. If it ignited, nobody would suspect anything. While meanwhile she could summon the ring from Ron's finger. There were multiple duels going on, and it would be fruitless to cast a direct _'Incendio'._

Instead, she considering moistening the tapestry. To make it ignite easier. _Or just dry it?_

Anne was bustling with Ginny's shield, now just a few charms away from breaking it. _I need to pay attention._

"You were close!" She laughed. "I'm not gonna let you through this time."

Anne sighed, having spent minutes at work.

"Nice shield work Ginny!" Harry bellowed.

"Thanks." She mouthed back. "Anne we are gonna practice dodging. I'm gonna send the small impact charms. And you shoot back."

"Alright."

_Good, this is my chance. We're gonna be really immersed in this duel. I need to rotate so I can shoot the spells at the tapestry._

The plan set in her head; she started to send curses her opponent's way. Anne struggled to cast a complete disarming charm. But her pride did not let her falter, instead she was content with showing small puffs of smoke.

"Just a few more minutes. You got it!" Ginny encouraged her. _Besides I need her to make this look real._

_Expelliarmus!_

Ginny ducked, not expecting Anne's charm to succeed. "Good one!"

_Rictusempra! _The tickling charm just missed the first year.

She failed to cast a retaliating curse. Her inexperience showing.

Anne's moment of hesitation was Ginny's cue. She aimed at the tapestry and whispered. _Siccum Omnia!_

Immediately, to not linger in the pose, Ginny started to walk towards her partner. "Hey! I would have taken you out by now!"

Anne giggled, repeating to fail the disarming charm.

A large fireball erupted nearby.

The dried tapestry had caught on fire spectacularly.

_Now or never._

Ron had turned with everyone else in surprise. People struggled to take out the fire.

_Accio Ring!_ Summoning all her willpower, she whispered.

She could see Ron's ring sliding out. Him turning in surprise.

_Expelliarmus!_

As Ginny grabbed Ron's ring, her own wand slid away from her once again.

Just barely had the ring landed in her hand or the magic would be canceled. The flames were blazing with increased intensity. Multiple people were casting _Aquamaneti_.

Ron, being too close to the fire was grabbed by Harry and pushed back. His gaze distracted. Not noticing his ring was gone.

_I got it!_

"I got it!" Anne squeaked in enjoyment.

"Great job!" Ginny grinned back, trying to hide her horror at the close call.

Luna Lovegood was looking at her weirdly. Ginny turned to observe her, but she had turned away. _Did she saw me?_

The fire was being now worked at by at least six people. The flames had vanished, and the chaos had calmed down. Harry stopped his _Aguamenti _and looked at his clock. "Guys! We are done for today! Great job everyone!"

Harry was immediately approached by Cho Chang and an animated, but shy discussion erupted.

Slowly, Ginny made sure she had Ron's ring secured in her pocket. "Come!" Ginny motioned at Anne.

"How was it? Gonna come next week?"

"Yeah!" The small first year smiled at her genuinely. "It was tons of fun!"

"Great!" Ginny laughed. "We need to make our way back to the common room. It's getting a bit late and we got to keep the DA under wraps."

"Why?" Anne was surprised.

"Orders from the higher ups." She shrugged. "You could ask our empress Hermione."

"Empress?" Neville Longbottom was in earshot. "I've never heard anyone call her like that."

"Don't you agree? This is Anne. She is training with us."

"Nice to meet you." Neville smiled at her, and Anne smiled back. "Luna told me about your plan."

"Oh." Ginny looked around, searching for her friend. Her suspicion of being caught by Luna intensifying.

Noticing her look, Neville turned and called out. "Luna! We are going!"

The dreamy blonde arrived as if on a cloud and joined their parade out of the Room of Requirements.

"Thanks for talking to Hermione." Ginny said sincerely.

Luna smiled dreamily. "It was for a good cause. Anne is a sweet girl, aren't you?"

Anne was eyeing them with wide eyes. Without doubt, having a group of people she belonged to for the first time at Hogwarts. Ginny noticed Neville was holding Luna's hand. And as she looked up at him, he blushed. Not wanting to press on this sensitive topic, Ginny contemplated her current predicament.

Swishing around the ring in her pocket and nibbling at it absentmindedly. _I have to deliver it to Draco._ The last few days had disappeared in a single breath, and now everything was moving along as intended. There were three parts to the ritual. _Only the most unforgivable of the three now remains._

"What are you thinking about, Ginny?" Luna asked softly, as the four of them made their way through the corridors.

Ginny sighed comfortably, feeling the contentment of a proper workout. "I can't believe there is so much darkness outside. Here in protection of the castle everything seems so normal. So secure."

Neville nodded gravely, while Luna looked away from her deep in thought. "It is the darkness within."

But Ginny did not hear Luna, instead her mind was set on the coming hours. A meeting had been arranged tonight by the lake. Her fantasies flooded with the pale and handsome Slytherin boy.


	7. The Ritual 1

_Far from heavenly._ Ginny mumbled to herself. Outdoors it was cold, murky and dark. A few castle windows gleamed behind her, casting reflections into the Black lake. She had taken half of the sleeping draughts she had made for Anne in a single chug. It hadn't taken her long to realize the dosage had been amiss. Although, acceptable in small doses. For her tolerance level this brew was staggeringly bad.

_I was sleepy when I made these... careless._

But her mood was lifted, nevertheless. The unwelcome side effects mostly included loss of short term and long-term memory as well as anticholinergic or muscle relaxing activity. "At least, I'm not hiccupping." She mused, remembering the week prior. It was unfortunate that the human body possessed a reflex acquired long ago. If a person's breathing was too slow, the hiccup reflex would kick in, and help along to not die by rising and lowering the lungs.

These troublesome thoughts did not linger in the petite Gryffindor's mind for long. Instead, she was admiring Ron's ring. It was a plain silver band. No doubt bought expensively and far away by her eldest brother. She was sure it possessed at least some magical prowess. The silver metal was too shiny to be an utterly unremarkable object.

Draco Malfoy was set to arrive and take the ring from her. Ginny, chugging the sleeping draughts, at some point had lost her sense of time. The situation had worsened when she had realized she was an hour early. Neatly she had arranged the remaining potions in an organized row on top of a nearby driftwood platform. With an alarm charm set for every five minutes she had proceeded to chug them in an orderly fashion.

The material of her ever-warm blanket was fascinatingly soft and pleasant to touch. She continued to rub her hands against it, marveling in the calm warmness around her. Inside her. The enchantment often did not stretch up to her head and torso. It was a delicate dance to stay warm. To not get a cold. It was ridiculous how with all the advanced wizarding charms and studies, even the wizards were hopeless to find an immediate treatment for the common cold. The simplest ailment possible still without a cure.

Nodding softly, she drifted in and out of her rational mind, her consciousness immersed in the sound of running water and loud insects. This year, nature had messed up the month of November. Symphony of crickets and cicadas. Vile insects whose prowess were exacerbated by the magic everywhere around.

As a theatrical switch of scenes, she could visualize the sound of footsteps. Now intoxicated there no longer was any fear. She knew for a fact it was Draco. And if it wasn't - she would deal with it. _Like with everything else._

She found herself lost in the ring. Enchanted by it. For the past several minutes she had not stopped admiring it. The immense shine reflected herself. Her mirror image horribly skewed. _That's the real me. A horrible distortion of reality._

"Weasley!" An authoritative male voice called out.

Without turning to the speaker, it was clear who it was. "Draco." She shook her head at him sleepily. "What is it?"

"What is it?" The boy laughed. "I understood you we were in a hurry."

"Hurry...?" Ginny tested the word aloud. "No... I thought we were, but I changed my mind."

Draco frowned. Observed her for several seconds, and then finally sat down on a tree trunk a few yards away. His gaze now locked on the ring as well.

He cleared his throat loudly. More due to a cold, than any polite manners. "So, this is it? Our bait, for turning in that damned Trio."

Ginny considered how Draco sounded like a movie villain. But he had not been awarded the luxury of a muggle-loving parent. He would not understand the joke. She did note however, that for this night, he had stayed away from a complete wizarding robe. Dressed in straight ashen colored denims complemented by an indigo v-neck sweater.

_You look beautiful, Draco._

Looking up she could see his frown had deepened into a scowl. Ginny tried to recall what he had just said, but her memory was coming in blank. "Draco, I wanted to talk to you about something."

His grimace disappeared, and she could feel a warm sense of relief.

"What about?" His voice was still guarded, but anticipatory.

"The curse. Last night… we were not able to talk it through." She began but felt her courage waning. She knew, deep down, that last night had been too pleasant to continue. "Actually, if you hate me after I tell you… whatever… take the ring now. We need to have that shit done."

She juggled with the myriad of emotions she was holding in. When she herself had learned about the implications of the curse - it had turned her unimportant imaginary world upside down.

Fundamentally making her understand why she was the way she was. Revealing this secret could lead to anything - fear, betrayal, anger.

_But I have to trust Draco. Will he keep my secret?_

_I hope._

The whirlwind of her emotions was lessened by potent intoxicating forces. She had extended her hand towards him. With her eyes closed she waited for the Slytherin boy to take the ring. The arrangements for incriminating the Trio had to go through as planned. _For Draco's sake. So, I have kept my side of bargain._

With her eyes closed she felt - that without saying a word - Draco had taken the ring. For the briefest of moments their hands touching. An exhilarating sensation.

"It all goes back to the diary." She spoke relieved by the lack of protest coming from him. "It was so much more, than you could imagine."

The face of Draco faded in and out of her senses as she continued. "Voldemort implanted a piece of himself inside the diary"

There was no need to wait for dramatic effect.

"What do you mean?"

Draco looked stern, but his perfectly calm figure had not yet been shaken. Tenaciously, Ginny knew she will crash it down. _Draco hold on, I'm still yet to tell you_

"A horcrux is a powerful magical artifact. It is created when a dark wizard wishes to extend his lifespan." She rehashed the theory studiously. "This is done by splitting one's soul."

"In literature it is said that the artifact is chosen explicitly. It has to have some intrinsic value to the wizard. In this case Voldemort chose his childhood diary."

"How do you know all this?" Draco was scratching his chiseled chin in thought. No doubt piecing together his own bits of knowledge regarding dark rituals.

_He does not understand yet._

"This summer I found out. In the order safehouse…. we call it Grimmauld Place."

"In Hogwarts there are no books on the subject. They are stripped away." She tried to gather her thoughts, to explain everything as clearly as possible. "Those books that do have any information have pages missing."

"Someone, recently or in the past, has undertaken an astonishing effort to censor this knowledge."

"I could guess why." He laughed uncomfortably.

"Yeah…" She laughed back but did not like the brittle nature of her own voice.

"Harry did a bad job... those three years ago, Draco." She continued to laugh in an odd desperate tone. Her emotions twisted.

"He destroyed it!" The Slytherin boy proclaimed. "The diary has a hole in it. It does not work anymore." Draco's tone had grown anxious. "I saw it for myself. Right, Ginny?"

"Yes. It does not work anymore, Draco."

Slowly letting go of her breath she finally revealed her secret. "That is because that piece of Voldemort's soul is now inside me."

_No, that doesn't make any sense._ Her mind protested as her nausea rose. _This must be a dream._

_And I'm fainting. I must be inside of a dream collapsing._

Ginny Weasley was standing in 'Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place'. The birds were chirping outside, and the rays of pure sunshine heated up the dusty and unkempt spare bedroom. Here she practiced dark magic. Of the sort, found only, in the house of Black. She had scavenged the rooms. Went through the index of every single tome. Under the false pretense of voluntary housekeeping anything was possible to acquire.

Her mother's praises echoing as laments in her head. That instant she had spotted it for the first time. A single index line in an endless list of dark artifacts. _Horcrux, pages 501-550, 710-711, 812._ Before reading, she had collected every single tome. Hid them away in her backpack and carried them everywhere in safety from prying eyes. In a single night the pale girl stormed through every passage.

In the same full-blown sleeping draught intoxication Ginny had raised her wand and pointed it towards herself. To detect the remote possibility of a Horcrux within.

Her hands trembled in fear, but her mind was blank and resolute. Precisely, she recanted the long passage of incantations. The ritual for detecting two spirits in a single human vessel.

Despite her pleas and curses the test was positive. The ritual establishing a sickening connection. Soon she experienced the world through foreign eyes. Evil, disgusting eyes.

A part of Lord Voldemort appeared and overcame her. The spirit taking a singular look around, and attacking mercilessly her feeble, insecure ego.

_Come. _As a schizophrenic refusing to take treatment she heard whispers repeated over and over again.

But there was no way of telling if it was all just imagination. Or sleep deprivation induced psychosis.

_That dream. That dream, that is now collapsing, is my life._

_My future. And I see none._

She could feel her heart forcibly pumping blood at a rapid rate. But her heart was strong and durable at this tender age. Her hands and knees uncomfortably cold. A pulsating sensation inside her. Disgusting saliva pouring out of her mouth. A sense of intense discomfort.

"Ginny, that is not true." A voice kept nagging her.

It annoyed her. "Of course, it's true - you stupid little girl."

"Ginny, wake up!" The voice hardened. "I'm the one talking to you."

She opened her eyes. Something was very wrong, and she realized she was in fleeting pain. The handsome face of Draco Malfoy leaning over her. "What is it, Draco?"

"You..." He hesitated uncharacteristically. "You collapsed."

"Oh." Ginny bit her lip and could feel her eyes were heavy with stowed away tears.

"I did not realize."

Draco helped her up and moved her softly back onto the ever-warm blanket. He could hear the echoes of her meager, weak voice. "I did not realize I fell. I'm sorry, Draco. I'm gonna get up now by myself."

He stepped back. His every move calculated. Never leaving her from sight.

Ginny brushed off dirt and small tree bits. Finally, looking up, Draco was back where she had seen him moments ago. _Minutes ago?_

"I'm sorry. I'm too..." _Fucked up right now._

Draco at first inclined his head, but then shook it.

Ginny could only hope that he was trying to comprehend what she had just told him. But instead, her paranoid thoughts unsettled her.

The cushioning charms beneath her helped relax. With giant effort, she tried to force all discursive thoughts out of her mind. To be present in this moment. To convince Draco to trust her again.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you sure there is a horcrux inside of you?"

"Yes. I did all the tests… everything, anything I could find. It was all positive. No chance for the contrary."

"Didn't you feel it?"

_I hope, it's not your morbid fascination. _"No."

Draco opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to formulate more questions. But every time he gauged her mood from facial expressions his face fell. Instead he decided to keep silent. After several minutes, Ginny concluded Draco was unnerved and horror-struck. In her own intoxicated bliss this made the redhead giggle.

"What are you giggling about?"

"You're scared." Ginny continued to giggle. "Of me."

"Of course, I'm not." He closed off.

_Whatever._ More moments in time passed wildly, and she found herself plucking out small bits of grass from the ground, and admiring them absentmindedly. Finally, she realized what she was doing. "Ummm… but this is why I need the ritual for. That is my only chance... my only chance to have my mind and body back… to myself."

_I wish I could read his mind. _Ginny was begging for Draco to say something. His thoughts, no doubt, filled with numerous conflicts.

"It has to succeed. If I fail, if the ritual is impossible to complete…."

As if coming out of a deep trance, Draco interjected. "I will help you. I'll help you get it out."

They're eyes met, and she could feel an immense burden lifting from her chest.

"Thanks."

"You don't have to."

He inclined his head reaffirming his commitment, and she tried to concentrate her mind on something rational to bring up. Turning up a blank she felt her emotions being let loose. All the barriers she had set up for herself disappearing.

"I like you a lot Draco. Ever since we first met in my first year, I…." She stopped abruptly. Scared, her deep emotional affirmation was not mutual. "I can't thank you enough for offering to help me. I would assume anyone else would run to Dumbledore, or to the… Ministry… to St. Mungo's... to the..."

_Mental ward._ She did not finish the sentence aloud.

"No problem, Weasley. Consider it done." Noticing her trail of thought, Draco rubbed his nose in unease. "I will need a favor back from you, as well."

_Anything, Draco, anything._

"What is it about?"

"I'll tell you... tomorrow night." He was backtracking, not wanting to dwell on the request. "Nothing to worry about."

"Draco, I just don't want you to hate me because of it." The words were out of her mouth, before she could filter them out.

_I'm way too drunk. I'm talking nonsense._

Her horror was intensified as she saw Draco Malfoy close off even further. He was uncomfortable. Now, looking away. She waited for any answer, but none came. _I've gone too far. Our fragile friendship cannot take this right now._

Absentmindedly, Ginny rubbed her hands against the soft ever-warm blanket. This habit always helped her relax. The overpowering effects of the numerous sleeping draughts were working efficiently. For a moment, in her rubbing activity, she had forgotten there even was a question hanging. In the background, her unconscious mind tried to process the negative effects of being perceived as heavily under the influence. But none of these thoughts surfaced to be observed by the active consciousness.

She noticed Draco had turned back to her. His face, full of surprise, and uncomfortable anguish. "I'm in no way angry. It just surprised me. I already said - I'll help you. This is very important, I understand that."

"Thank you for trusting me."

Ginny considered the Slytherin boy's voice carefully. He was angry. There was no doubt about that. But she was now more doubtful about where was this anger directed towards. At Voldemort? At Harry Potter? Maybe at his father? _Or me?_ But she was too scared to pry into his foreign emotional experience.

"I'll tell you something, as well. This summer..." Draco Malfoy began tentatively. "No, listen Weasley."

Ginny beamed. There was no way to make her smile disappear. However dark the story to come might be, it was unmistakably a step forward. A mutual conversation - more like the one's from before.

"When I returned back home - everything was messed up. After the TriWizard tournament. The failed assassination of Harry Potter." Draco's tone was guarded, he was trying to gauge her reaction.

"You father... umm… he was a key part of it."

"Of course. He has not always made the most prudent decisions." Draco noted, with a twinge of annoyance. "He was assigned to assist the return of Lord Voldemort. To do this in confidence. To help capture Harry Potter."

Ginny bit her lip to remain silent. Draco always revealed a stunning amount, when talking about his father or the deatheaters. For most of her life, she had considered herself, a dedicated follower of Dumbledore, and what would become the Order of the Phoenix. But each time Draco spoke, his aspirations became her aspirations.

She knew the Order would never accept her for who she was. They would detest her. _Like they ignore Remus. Look down upon him._ And honestly, she did not want to join them anyways. Deep down, a determination to leave had been brewing in her. _To join..._

_To join the other side._ A thought so scary, it rarely resurfaced in her active mind.

"My father failed miserably. He revealed himself as a deatheater too soon. Without the Dark Lord's orders - it was a death certificate. But he flew… of course. Always, the coward."

She sat paralyzed.

"He got disgraced. As he should. He disgraced the Malfoy name." Draco fumed to himself. "And now I have to pay for it."

"You told me you admired him." She interrupted.

"What do you care Weasley?" Draco furrowed his brow violently. "You loathe him!"

"Should I apologize for it?" She bit back, but tried to soften her words. _What am I supposed to say? Your father tried to murder me!_

Seeing her facial expressions, Draco turned away - still angry. "I know. I'm sorry, you have all the right to hate him. I… I did admire him."

"Not anymore." The intensity of his statement scared her.

"You know, he was one of the closest men to Pettigrew. Instrumental in bringing back the Dark Lord."

She shook her head slowly. "I did not know that for sure."

Draco often had talked about Lord Voldemort. Sometimes she considered, the boy was not only fascinated, but infatuated. It weirdly attracted her.

"Once he knew there was a possibility. Even before Sirius Black came back, my father tried to enact all the possibilities for Voldemort's return. Including…"

_Including me._

Sensing discomfort in her eyes, Draco backtracked. "He became more wicked. The status, he had acquired was admirable. His goals, something every wizard should aspire to. But his methods - horribly vile and twisted."

_His goals, something every wizard should aspire to? Oh, my._

"This summer, he was gone and for the first time in my life I was alone in the Malfoy Manor." Draco exhaled, returning to the beginning of his story.

_I wonder what it's like to live in a manor. Away from all my brothers. _"Must be great being there by yourself."

"Great?" Draco raised an eyebrow. "Maybe at first it was. But then you stopped replying my letters…. without notice."

She blushed. "That's when I found out! About the curse."

She could tell Draco closed off recollecting his experiences. Her heart clenched imagining him writing her letters, perhaps many, without a reply. _He would never admit to me he sent more than one. _Then finally - throwing away any thoughts of her - in anger and maybe resentment. She had breached his trust.

"I turned to studying. To the attainment of knowledge."

She did not have to ask. Draco had turned to the only subject that interested him. The dark arts.

There was anger in his voice. "And not only knowledge. I used my houselves to gain the practical part of it, as well. I knew I had to be prepared. It was the only option - to gain back my father's place in the Dark Lord's court."

_Oh, my._

"Then, happened the best thing I could possibly imagine. Taking up my father's request, before his disgrace, the Dark Lord himself moved into my home. Malfoy Manor became the headquarters for the deatheaters." Draco almost whispered to her.

Her eyes widened as their eyes met, and for a moment she was stunned.

"What happened…. I mean, with Voldemort there?"

"My mother wasn't happy, of course. She tried to shield me - but she had it all wrong. I was born to join them."

"Did you?"

Draco's gleaming eyes turned into guarded slits. "Not how you might imagine."

"My aunt Bellatrix trained me. She was there the whole summer. Helping me work with the houselves. Teaching me."

She shivered, imagining their escapades. Sensing her discomfort, Draco concluded the story. "It's late. We can meet tomorrow night. I'll tell you about my side of the bargain."

She nodded, deep in thought. It was tiring to walk back. Not having enough courage, to ask Draco to carry her, Ginny tried to gain a few more minutes. It was frightening to consider - how only in his 5th year - the Slytherin boy had already joined the other side. _And private lessons?_

For years now, Ginny knew, she was disenfranchised by her own people. "They don't care for me. Like Dumbledore. Or don't trust me. Like Harry."

Now she had become disillusioned herself. "Yes... let's talk about it tomorrow. But I would have loved to have private lessons from your aunt. I'm done with the Order. I'm done with the fakeness of the DA."

Draco chuckled. "Alright, Weasley. That's bold. In your position."

_I know._

"I just want to be free. Unshackled. Or at least - change. Any change." She hesitated. "To be honest, I want to bring the diary back to Voldemort. Once I finish the ritual. As a token of something. To leave me be."

Draco's gaze was grave, but he nodded in understanding.

"Draco, about the ritual." She forced the words out, horribly afraid of their effect. "There is one more thing."

"What is it?" He did not want to think, his mind slowing down with tiredness.

"It's not only ingredients and pot stirring. I need a safe space to perform the ritual in."

"That doesn't sound too hard. We could find somewhere."

It was no use evading the real issue. _One more thing._

She took an abrupt inhale. "I need a ritual sacrifice."

Now fully aware, Draco froze in his seat and looked at her gravely. "What kind of a sacrifice?"

"A horcrux cannot be transferred from a living body to an object without the original person dying. I need someone in between. Someplace to store Voldemort's soul temporarily. And then transfer it back into the diary." In her nervousness, Ginny blurted out the words, missing several syllables.

"You need a blood sacrifice? Would a muggle suffice, or you need wizard's blood?"

_No, Draco. It's not that kind of a sacrifice. If only I needed a few drops of blood... _She squirmed, not wanting to answer truthfully. "The magical capacity of the vessel must suffice… muggles, they're too weak..."

Draco rubbed his temple in consideration.

"I'm intending on going to Hogsmeade during the next few days… " _To scout around. For an innocent victim to use in the ritual. _"Draco, there are-"

"We can talk through the specifics tomorrow." He tried to calm her, sensing her intense strife. "Don't worry about it, Weasley. I'll help you get rid of that nasty imprint. It's only a blood sacrifice."

Natural, non-synthetic calmness inundated her. Or was it, Draco who was caressing her? She did not dare to open her eyes.

"Thanks." She murmured. _I can't believe I just told him even a part of it. It's so insane, so depraved. How am I going to reveal the truth?_

It was time to get up. The wind around them was getting way too cold, and the autumn night too dark. "Give me a hand, Malfoy." She barked out orders laughingly, imitating her mother.

Moved by their honest and friendly conversation, he did not hesitate, and it was only moments of time before they were heading back towards the castle hand in hand. Ginny desperately trying to stand on her feet.

"I can't believe you carried me yesterday." She laughed, both amused at the memory, and trying to plant seeds.

They made their way back groggily. Castle watch lights, shining bright in the distance. The path muddy and unkempt. _Hagrid is so lazy._

"I can't believe I asked you to make out yesterday."

"It was the day before." Draco corrected.

"See, you remember! I am going to propose - for you - to raise to the challenge." Ginny asked sweetly.

"As usual, too many sleeping draughts, Weasley." He laughed. "You would fall asleep halfway through, and I would have to carry you. Tomorrow-"

"Deal!" Sleepily, Ginny interjected in a victorious tone.

Draco's hold on her strengthened. Now steering the relieved, and happy Gryffindor back towards the castle.


	8. The Ritual 2

The bell rang. People were already bursting out of the useless Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. Her DA comrades displaying outright anger for Madam Umbridge. Ginny did not care. She was filling in for herself. Her mind completely occupied on the still missing potions ingredients. A few classrooms ahead, she could see that the 5th year joint Gryffindor and Slytherin charms class had ended.

Her late-night partner had not managed to find time to return her loot. As far as she was aware the bag was sitting safely in a Slytherin dormitory. Annoyed by being at a standstill, pressed by time and the soon to be full moon Ginny lamented to herself. _He did make up for some of it, last night._

_His mind must be occupied by the ring and with Harry._

Small shivers ran through her, as she remembered, the staggering revelations made by her and Draco last night. It was unthinkable Draco Malfoy was a part of the deatheater ranks. But not as unthinkable as the fact that she had a piece of Voldemort's soul inside of her. 

Confused about why Draco would not admit about joining the other side, Ginny finally spotted Blaise Zabini. Tall, bookish and outright appalling.

"Hey!" She mouthed and imitated a small wave.

He nodded at her and parted to let her see the other Slytherin boys. It was a few hours until dinner, and they were all heading towards the dungeons.

Deciding to follow, she swiftly caught up to Blaise.

"Looking for Draco?" He asked, with a vile all-knowing smile.

Unsettled by his mannerism, her reply came back reluctant. "Where is he?"

"Right ahead of you." Blaise laughed, and walked past her. _Well, he is acting odd. I wonder what's wrong with him._

Draco Malfoy spotted her and turned to greet her. As their eye's met, Ginny noticed the familiar ever-lasting confidence. In that moment, she tried to convey all the meaning she could. Not caring, if she induced legilimency. _Can you give me the ingredients? Did you plant the ring?_

The mind to mind communication failed as Draco threw her back a blank look. Instead he motioned for her to come towards him. Whispering a single phrase as they passed each other. "It's all set."

As she recognized the words said to her, she was already standing alone. The passing army of Slytherin boys descending downwards, towards the final stairwell into the dungeons.

_Alright, I suppose it's now a waiting game. _

_A nice, detailed summary of what is about to happen._ She noted to herself sarcastically.

Entering the Gryffindor common room several people approached her at once.

"GINNY! Wanna know what I have planned for our Hogsmeade trip?" Dean bellowed as was his custom.

She stepped several tables away from him. But this was a waste, as Dean grabbed a chair opposite to her without consideration. "Do you want to study together?"

Without any reply, he had already gotten out his books, and dropped them down roughly on the table.

_Awesome! _She squeaked to herself internally.

_I did this to myself._ Her subconscious mind reminded her kindly.

After mentally going through her plans for the next few hours - and not finding anything - she resolved to humor Dean Thomas. Slightly annoying him could be fun.

"Ginny?" Someone was tugging at her elbow.

"Oh... Hello Anne! How is it going?" She turned away from Dean's ramblings and smiled at Anne kindly.

Anne beamed back. "Thanks again for the… you know…"

"No problem."

Dean was staring at her. This made everyone else uncomfortable. Ginny turned away from Anne, despite knowing their conversation was not done. She wanted to blow up Dean. To send him out on a huge fireball. _Please, for Merlin's sake, make him go away!_

"Oh... Ginny! Who is that?" He was irritably excited. "Perhaps you could introduce me."

Dean Thomas went on, before anyone could interrupt him. "Hello Anne! I'm her boyfriend Dean."

"BOYFRIEND!" She exclaimed, clearly agitated. _What the fuck? Boyfriend?_ "I don't remember calling you that. We haven't gone on a single date yet!"

"Oh, nevermind…" He laughed it off. "I'm just joking around, you know."

"So, how do you two know each other?"

By every passing second, she grew more and more angry. Despite that, she controlled herself. _I've got to be strong. I can't blow away all my future plans by casting the killing curse on him. _

_Calm down! _She scolded herself repeatedly. _Please. _

"Mhm… I helped Anne with a potion’s homework. You need any more help?"

The first-year Gryffindor student nodded.

"Great!" Dean's grin was as wide as his eyes. "We will do it together! I am a year older than you Ginny, remember?"

_What were the words? Just Avada, and then Kedavra...that seems simple enough, I guess._

"Ginny! When we are done, I think we should go out! Look at the stars... and stuff." He said very quickly. Making vague kissing noises with his lips.

_Alright, that is it!_

Under the table she pulled out her wand, and whispered firmly a curse, forever unforgivable. _Imperius!_

_Please! I beg Anne didn't see it._ The curse had been placed promptly and without preamble. It was dubious, if it even had worked.

Dean had stopped talking mid-sentence. That enough was a grandiose relief. His interrupted sentence had been something about privacy.

To not attract any suspicion, it was important to keep talking. "Anne, what was it that you wanted?"

"Oh." She took an uncertain look at Dean. "Could you... make more of that potion that helped me sleep?"

Thoughts about an unforgivable racing in her mind, she tried to concentrate on the conversation. _If I help her, she will need it again and again. I'm not a potion mixing factory. Besides…_

"The last batch was really bad." Ginny noted resolutely.

"I did not notice."

_Yeah, it's probably really bad only in mega doses._

"Why did he stop talking?" Curiosity was winning Anne over.

Ginny tried to invent something on the spot. "Sometimes, Dean gets an instantaneous idea, and then he is completely lost for a few minutes."

"Oh, I know a person who is like that! Back home. It's always weird when it happens." She introspected.

Ginny started to laugh, and Anne joined in.

"Dean, please go sit by Seamus's table. And act normal for half an hour, if you can." Ginny commanded. "Please."

The boy moved as ordered, and Anne stared at Ginny in awe.

The illness described was a real one and inherently magical. A philosophical thought could dislodge a vulnerable wizard's mind. There he or she would stand for hours. An example of this was the dark wizard named Socrates. After suffering from it extensively, he was rightly convicted for corrupting the Athenian youth and had to take hemlock.

With Dean gone, in the now created privacy, she decided to ask some questions. "Do you like potions?"

"Not really." Anne admitted reluctantly.

"I will teach you how to make the potion I showed you before." Ginny tried to be pleasant and reassuring. _If I can show her how to do this - she can then become my potions mixing factory._

"I have the official recipe here in the book. But as a novice, you will need to have your first-year textbook on hand. It has all the essential techniques. Go get it!"

Anne nodded, and proceeded briskly up the stairs to her dormitory.

Ginny stared deeply into Dean's eyes. Capturing exactly nothing. His willpower extinguished.

_What am I going to do with him?_

So far creating incidents had worked spectacularly. But it was hard to work out how Dean could be used. The worst part was he will have to be confounded after he wakes up. Otherwise he would make the connection.

Anne was back quicker than Ginny had expected, and soon the two of them found themselves deep in conversation. She was born in a muggle family but early got discovered as a witch. Before her fifth birthday she was orphaned. But thanks to a hasty intervention - ended up in a magic Orphanage, instead of a muggle one. Ginny wondered if after Tom Riddle Dumbledore had placed some wards to make sure all wizards end up outside muggle orphanages.

"Did you know You-Know-Who was an orphan?"

"No." Anne replied wide-eyed.

Ginny laughed at her stupefied facial expressions. In return, she described her brothers, and her home - the Burrow. It was hard to keep going, as her descriptions, screamed of a cosmic injustice. Innate in every living thing. How was Ginny born in the land of plenty? Humble, but plenty. However, her friend, had to suffer in an orphanage?

"With six brothers, you were always worry free, weren't you?" There was envy in her voice.

"Yeah." Ginny mused, halfway truthfully. "I suppose so."

Surprisingly many students failed to keep up with the Hogwarts curriculum. Expulsion was only threatened. Instead the weaker students were put in the slow track courses by the professors. Only Snape was infamously in disagreement with this policy for anyone except Slytherin.

Remembering these practices, Ginny delivered a motivational speech regarding the importance of potions work. _If in some bizarro world I could stay here, I want a friend who is smart._

"I'm not sure what to do... if I start falling behind." Anne was unsure and apologetic.

"I'll keep an eye on you."

"Go get your supplies." Wanting to lessen the intensity between them, she brought the conversation to a halt. "We are gonna do some practical potions!"

"Dean, come here." Ginny commanded, waiting for him to arrive out of anyone else's earshot. "Look at me, good. Act as if you would be simply studying. Sit down, stop staring blankly! Reply to people. Don't start conversations with me."

As she observed him, carrying out her instructions, a plan had finally come together. "Dean, listen. Good. You are going to study for a few minutes, and afterwards you are going to have a huge urge to kiss me. If you think I am resisting - I am just playing with you. Force yourself on me. Show me how far you are willing to go."

"Try to act like.... an asshole." She concluded sweetly, after a bit of consideration.

_This could turn out really, really bad._

_I am being careless. Magic as powerful as this..._

If everything went to plan, Dean would start to act out. This would be in character. _If he is persistent enough people will notice. And that will let me dump him permanently._

The plan was simple enough in theory. The hardest part was lifting the curse in time.

There was an accidental lull in the common room. The silence around her stretched out, leaving only the faint buzzing in her ears. A nasty annoying side effect induced from potion abuse. _Probably permanent. Whatever. I can't change it, got to get used to it._

It was intensely uncomfortable for her to stay in complete silence. She performed all meditation with conjured sounds, running water or white noise.

_I'm feeling so ill... finally detoxing... from yesterday?_

The potion lasted about eight hours, however if the dosage went above a certain threshold, the effects held twice or thrice as long. It was a good moment to introspect. Dean subdued and Anne gone. But the hassle of it, kept her wanting to avoid being alone with her thoughts.

The burning question was Malfoy. He had acted out of character yesterday. Both revealing emotionally and intellectually. _What is happening in his mind? What are his motivations? Can I trust him?_

_Is he just playing with me?_

The most intriguing of all were his associations with the other side. Disenfranchised by the Order, she wanted to strike back. To gain independence and freedom. Beyond all else, the Dark Lord provided freedom.

Anne arrived, and put on display her first-year supplies. "That's all I have."

Going over the items, she was not impressed with Snape's mandatory list for that year. "Next time, when in Hogsmeade, you need to get more stuff. I'm gonna write down a list. Both for the potion we will be making today and for the future."

As Anne nodded, she considered an unlikely conspiracy. Snape could be sabotaging people on purpose. The ingredients listed were all second grade. They were not the best for any job. _Could he be instilling failure on purpose in his students?_

"I'm going to give you these roots and the seeds. Plus, the pot you are using is tragic."

"I'll get a new one." Anne was embarrassed.

"It's not your fault!" She noticed her own voice had turned sickly sweet. "Just the opposite. Once I teach you, you will be at the top of your class!"

Their exchange of mutual smiles was interrupted rudely by Dean. "Ginny, do you want to kiss? Right now, I mean."

"No, Dean." She replied firmly, while Anne turned away from them bashfully. "I don't."

Dean continued to babble something, but it was below her hearing level. "Alright Anne, the first thing you need is some know-how. This is my book on potions ingredients and their properties. I'm going to mark all the ingredients you will need to know for today."

"I don't know... if I can read all that today."

"It's mostly basic stirring and chopping techniques. It's what... ten, twenty, twenty-nine pages. Come on, go upstairs and read."

"Gin, please, I want it SO much!" Dean cried, silencing the rest of the common room. An awkward stop in the conversations around them.

"Dean, I already told you. I don't want to. You are being inappropriate!" Ginny was just as loud in her reply but acted as if she was trying to hush herself.

Anne had stopped in her tracks and observed them petrified.

"Go! If you don't make it all the way - doesn't matter."

Anne departed, but Ron had risen in his seat, with Hermione having a hand on his shoulder. Fred and George were frowning at Dean as well.

_Excellent. This is going just great! I might as well get some fun out of the spectacle._

"Ginny Weasley. I WANT TO FUCK YOU SO-"

"THAT IS FUCKING IT, THOMAS!" Ron bellowed. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

All action in the common room ground to a halt.

Dean didn't even turn to look at Ron, but extended his arms even further towards Ginny.

"Go away, Dean!" Repulsed, she stepped back instinctively. "Don't try to touch my breasts! What is WRONG with you?"

That was the breaking point for Ron's internalized rage. His wand was raised, and his body was quivering. Fred and George had now risen as well. "YOU SON OF A BITCH, RISE, FIGHT ME, I WILL FUCKING MESS YOU UP. DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME?"

To Ginny's surprise, Harry was also looking uncharacteristically angry. "Dean Thomas, if you don't step back right now, I will stupefy you!"

_Turn to them and explain! _Ginny commanded, attempting Legitimacy on her already vulnerable target.

To her delight, Dean moved away from her, ensuing a complete collective silence. "We love each other! Don't come close, filthy weasel."

"You call me filthy - you piece of shit!" Ron yelled back hysterically. But people were catching up to the fact that something was wrong. If they were more knowledgeable about _Imperius_, the curse would be obvious.

"I will fight you weasel. For having the right to sex your sister!" Dean laughed ridiculously.

_Engorgio Skullus! _He bellowed.

_Densaugeo! _Ron retaliated.

Ginny bit her lip, and risked her own charm, under the table. _Confondo! _

Ron's curse was followed by Harry, Fred and George. All of them sending spells in unison.

The common room was a complete mess. People were both condemning and encouraging the violence. Some trying to stop the curses unsuccessfully. Dean fell to the ground without much fuss, and the common room erupted in another collective uproar. As the boy failed to get up immediately, the commotion dimmed in strength.

Everything had gone spectacularly for Ginny. She stood up and moved two tables away from Dean's body. There she successfully garnered a sympathetic glance from Hermione. Their eyes connecting. _Boys._

Ron's triumphant expression was extinguished at once. A tinge of paleness now in his face.

Ginny knew she had to say something. To play her part. "Look what you did Ron! Can't we TALK AND DISCUSS THINGS! Not go all crazy and start shooting spells! Ron, why do you have to be like this?"

"But he... wanted to attack you!"

"You could have talked."

"Dean is never like that with fellow Gryffindors. It's lucky we immobilized him. Are you alright? Maybe he was charmed." Harry added in a friendly manner.

The speculations made her cringe in fear. "Yeah Harry, I'm fine. He just surprised me."

Finally, the piece-keeper-in-charge also known as Hermione, had decided to fully join the scene in question. "Is he even alright? We can't let him lay on the ground!"

"Please check him." Ginny fake pleaded.

Harry and Ron approached the body and examined it. "What did you cast Fred?"

"The good old Knee-Reversal hex." Fred replied.

"Hmm... Harry?"

"Stupefy. Could you try rennervating him, Hermione?"

Hermione approached both Harry and Ron, who were leaning over Dean. _Rennervate!_

Dean rose up and grunted hard. "Bloody hell, what happened? Why am I on the ground? Why are my knees backwards? And my teeth..."

"Sorry Dean, but don't act as if you don't remember." Ron tried to act harsh, but he felt sorry for his friend.

After rubbing his head, Dean Thomas sighed a long, tired sigh, and inclined his head in shame. "I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."

_I will have to obliviate him. Confundo was not enough. _

_He's too weary... too suspicious._

"Apologies will not matter." Ron stated authoritatively. "Your date is canceled."

"Ron, that's Ginny's business!" Hermione was trying to shoo him away.

"That was too weird Dean. Ron's right. I'm sorry."

"I have no idea what got into me." Dean sighed. "My head hurts. I’ll go upstairs."

"What the hell was that about?" Ron swore, and began an animated recollection of what just happened.

Except for the _Confundus_, everything had gone according to plan. Ron had acted like one would expect, but Harry had surprised her. For a moment he too had lost his temper. It was possible, he was not only siding with Ron, but wishing to protect her. _Why is he so in love with Cho Chang? I don't get it. Must be those Asian genes. That baby face!_

She went back to her studying. Carefully putting up a disconcerted appearance. Hermione came over for a few minutes, and they exchanged a few hurt and annoyed phrases regarding the boys. The bushy haired girl was sympathetic and decided to leave her alone.

The common room had quickly formulated the nature of the incident. Dean had been sexually frustrated and left on his own devices without an outlet for release. His natural temperament had been a ticking time bomb.

_What if it was a mistake? _

_I drew so much attention to myself._

In her mind, everything could have been resolved in privacy - quietly and cleanly. _But that way I wouldn't have any fun!_

Thinking about Dean led her into thinking about Draco. _It's all set?_ _But when? He was so terse._

Anne arrived down from her dormitory and approached the older girl. "I'm done. Read the whole twenty-nine pages." She was proud of herself.

"Stunning! We have two hours until dinner, and a ton of potions to make!"

Ginny put down her charms textbook, and for the next two hours performed the most rewarding form of teaching, boiling, and cutting she had ever done in her life. Anne was a tremendous student and had a surprisingly long attention span. She listened carefully and obeyed all instructions to the point.

"You said earlier, antimony has a soothing effect. So why do we need to amplify it? Can't it be used more?"

Ginny rubbed her face, trying to hold in her laughter. 'It's extremely poisonous Anne... in large doses. Just need a speck of it. So, what do we use to amplify it?"

Anne wanted to look in the book, but Ginny stopped her. "First thing that comes to your mind. Didn't you read about it?"

"I did, but I can't remember." She was ashamed and frustrated.

Surprised, by the still too intense reactions coming from the younger girl, Ginny tried to calm her. "Don't worry about it! Just open the book and see what we have not yet added. There are only two items left or so."

In total they had almost elven vials of the half-finished potion. "You got it! And now there is the stirring part-"

"My attention please, Gryffindors!" Professor McGonagall had entered the common room. All conversations stopped as she affectionately explained changes in the study plans. Ginny did not pay attention right up to the last sentence.

"Ginny Weasley, please come with me."

_Oh, no. What now?_


	9. The Ritual 3

After giving an apologetic look to Anne, she arrived at McGonagall's side. "What is it professor?"

"Ginny, Remus sent me an owl." McGonagall began, with her eyebrows already raised expectantly. "He is very concerned about your wellbeing. Are you keeping up with your practice?"

"Yes." She had to bite her lip to hide her annoyance. "Of course, I am, you can reassure Remus I'm fine."

McGonagall's smile was thin. "Good, here is a letter he sent you. I'll check in during the next few days. He will not be able to make it this week."

The professor left her alone. Her frown intense at the small sealed envelope. The transfiguration professor's intervention was not welcome. Mindfulness and concentration meditation were not her forte. It would be ridiculous meddling. The irony of feeling intense annoyance at being asked about her mindfulness practice was not lost.

She returned to Anne's table, trying to calm herself. "I'm going down to dinner. We can finish afterwards." _And I have to read this letter._

She grabbed her bag and turned to the exit. "Anne, can you please clean up this mess we've made? Cork those half-finished vials and bring them to your room. I dislike leaving open vials on the table. Merlin knows what can land in them."

"Thanks for teaching me."

"No problem." Ginny beamed back. She nodded goodbye absent-mindedly in Anne's direction. Then turned to the exit and began to head for the Great Hall. McGonagall's words echoed in her mind. _What does she expect from me? I am practicing._

Albeit lazily, she had not skimped neither on her morning, nor evening meditations. Everyday mindfulness was a different beast. She had given up paying attention to her emotions long ago. It was easier to just go with the flow. Even if sometimes the flow went in counter-productive directions.

Unsure about the contents inside, she broke the sealed envelope.

_Dear Ginevra,_

_I write to you with utmost displeasure. I had planned out our last session together for some time now, and only due to unforeseen circumstances with the Order of the Phoenix, I will not able to make it. This year and a half we have spent together has been extremely rewarding - I think for both of us. I never expected to find such a bright, attentive pupil when I first met you._

_I know you think you can see past the illusions, past the superfluous. But please, If I am correctly estimating what has been on your mind for the past two months, remember: a little bit of knowledge is the most dangerous thing. Understanding of what we don't know is as important as any knowledge itself. _

_When we first met, you told me something I will never forget. 'I'm always going to be like this. Like I am right now, and I will never ever be able to change.' There is this shadow within every one of us. Seek to understand it, seek to accept your shadow. You have come so far from those depths of self-sabotage._

_Do not bottle up your emotions. Do not seek quick and easy solutions. And in chaos, always tell the truth. We are adapted to things that last forever._

_I have talked a lot about responsibility recently. I truly believe, the more responsibility you take, the more meaning you find in your life. You are way more than you think, Ginevra. We must be more than we are, or else we are not going to survive. There is glory at the end of the tunnel._

_I'm going to be at Grimmauld place for Christmas. Please Ginny, write if you have anything on your mind you wish to discuss with me._

_The book on spellcraft Dumbledore gave you should prove invaluable for ancient runes. Keep up your practice. _

_Sincerely,_

_your tutor Remus Lupin_

"Professor." Ginny whispered in a sight. She had to lean back in an empty corridor against a wall to process the words. He had never been so direct and personal with her. With every word she read, she started to understand just how special their relationship had become, and how much he had helped her overcome. Vowing to reread the letter more carefully later that evening, she stowed it away in her bag.

It was sad Remus would not make it anymore. His guided practice had been refreshing. Perhaps the only grounding thing that kept her completely sane. But it was time to accept and move on. Not thinking about it helped.

Superstitiously, it was easy to imagine a magical link between her first unforgivable, and an end of an era for mindfulness practice.

At the dinner table, Ginny crammed stuff onto her plate heartily. Dean was still sulking in the background, but she did not pay any attention to him. Luna was waving at her as she entered the Great Hall. The Gryffindor returned the gesture. Looking at the Slytherin table, she could see Draco conversing rapidly. But as soon as he noticed her, he turned and smirked viciously.

_Oh, my. Something's up._

_Oh, no! I've piled way too much food._

She was annoyed at herself. But it was important to be ready for tomorrow. The ritual was due in just a few days, and she needed to be fit. Just a week from now everything could be over. _If the plan goes through._

_And how often that happens in my life?_

There was noise coming from the Professor's table. Ginny looked up to survey it. Professor Snape was excusing other professors sitting closer to the exit. He was moving towards her table. Characteristically, the Slytherin in Chief, made no noise as he descended. Heads were already starting to turn - usually no professor left the table this early. Observing his body language, it was clear he was on a mission from a higher power.

"Snape!" A Gryffindor nearby muttered to alert his housemates.

"What does he want?" Ron yelled back, unaware.

Severus Snape had arrived. Inches away from where Ron Weasley was sitting. His breath reaching his victims neck.

"I don't know, Ron." Colin spoke disconcertingly softly, observing the murderous frame of Severus Snape.

She was sitting two seats away from Colin. In perfect position for a neutral viewing party.

_Where's my popcorn?_

_Houselves!_

"Mr. Weasley, rise up."

Ron turned around, and almost jumped out of his seat, stumbling over Snape.

"Manners, Weasley! Manners!"

"What is it professor?" Ron asked uncertainly, trying to move away from Snape as far as politely possible.

"Do you have something to say to me, Mr. Weasley?" Snape was cold and detached.

Now, the Gryffindor table, had spotted and noted the existence of professor Snape. The whispering had begun, but there was no need for it because the two men spoke loudly.

"No, I don't think so." Ron paused. "Professor."

"I think you have mishandled something Weasley. Perhaps lost an item of yours recently." Snape's smirk was evil.

"Lost?" Ron himself looked lost. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Sir." Harry interjected. "Could you perhaps be more specific?"

"Mr. Potter, once again you meddle in matters not of your concern. When speaking to higher up's - you need to mind your manners. If I wanted your input, I would have asked for it."

"I'm sorry. I just thought that-"

"You thought what Mr. Potter?"

Harry reconsidered, and decided to remain silent.

Snape turned back to glare at Ron. "This is your last chance Weasley. If you admit your misadventures now, I will let you off with a lesser detention, and perhaps only a letter to your parents. No expulsion necessary."

Ron gulped, intimidated by Snape. She held her grin completely inside. Displaying only outwards concern. Draco Malfoy was up to no pretense. As their eyes met, she could see him laughing as a mad fool at his table. _Suspicious Malfoy, suspicious._

All the Gryffindor's were stunned in suspense, waiting for Snape's next words. People from other houses starting to turn around.

Professor McGonagall was the only professor who had stopped pretending to eat her meal. Instead, she was eyeing Snape with hidden daggers. _Geez Minerva! This is going to be fun. _It was hard for Ginny to hide her excitement.

"I have no idea what you are talking about!" There were growing trails of annoyance in Ron's exasperated voice. Harry was tugging Ron's robe, trying to calm down his friend.

"Alright, Mr. Weasley. What is this then?" Snape asked, pulling something out of his pocket.

_There it is! Draco did it! I knew he would, but this is really happening._

The silver ring shined and glittered brightly in the reflected light from the ceiling. The potions professor raised his hand high, and in a theatrical gesture turned around the room to let everyone else see. The motion reminding Ginny of a prosecutor dealing his final blow to the accused.

Ron gulped repeatedly. "It's... It's my ring... sir."

"Mr. Weasley. Please repeat what you just said so everyone can hear it." Snape radiated in evil retaliation, extracting every inch of pleasure from his victim.

"IT'S MY RING PROFESSOR!" Ron bellowed, his temper starting to crack.

"Exactly! And where do you think I found it, if I might ask?" His eyes had turned into dark slits.

Utter stillness had now descended upon the Great Hall. Almost everyone's attention was captured. If only for the most clueless of Hufflepuffs. Dumbledore was half standing in his chair, with a frown etched in his face.

"I don't know, sir." Ron said tacitly. She could tell he was suspecting a blast of bad news any moment now.

"As everyone knows, yesterday someone broke into a secured part of Hogwarts."

Hermione was looking at Ron in horror, while Harry was defeated.

"That person or persons in question stole incredibly dangerous materials from my own personal chambers. So perilous, elves are performing a search of the Gryffindor common room right as we speak!" Snape laughed darkly. "But even if you have hidden them somewhere in the woods - it does not matter - you are charged as guilty!"

"But how does the ring-" Hermione interjected.

"How does the ring matter?" Snape laughed again. "This time not so bright Miss Granger. TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"That's not fair!" Harry was biting his lip in anger. "You have not explained anything!"

_Oh my God! _Ginny was brimming with concealed mirth. _They're going all out._

"Today, in that exact secured chamber I found an artifact. A piece of evidence, if you will. An item so remarkably unique, I vividly remember it on you Mr. Weasley. You were the laughing stock of the whole class because of it! Can you recall what was that artifact? I would presume you have been a laughing stock many times."

There was dead air in the Great Hall. All concentration solely on Ron Bilius Weasley. Dumbledore and McGonagall had both stood up, and likely were considering how long it would take for them to reach the offending duo. Some Slytherin's, including Malfoy, were laughing rudely and uncontrollably. Fellow Gryffindors were shooting daggers at them in deadly stares.

"No, professor."

"LOUDER!"

"NO. SIR."

"Are you so dumb witted Mr. Weasley that you can NOT make this simple connection?"

Silence.

"That was a question Weasley. Answer it!"

Ron opened his mouth, just to be cut off by Professor McGonagall who had finally arrived. "Severus, stop this interrogation in front of everyone right now! This is most unnecessary!"

Snape turned at her like a large poisonous snake and pursed his lips. "A break in and robbery! In a sensitive place like a secured potions storage is a most serious offence. We have no idea what they are up to!"

McGonagall looked as defeated as Ron. "I agree, Severus. If Mr. Weasley is found to be guilty, he might even face the possibility of expulsion."

Ron's face grew grave. Hearing it from his head of house made all the difference.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" He bellowed.

"EVERYONE!" Dumbledore's authoritative bass echoed melodically. "Let's calm down. Nobody is getting expunged."

Snape could no longer hide his anger, while McGonagall was pale.

"Mr. Weasley." Dumbledore continued, despite his staff's objections. "Please stop with this charade. I have many sources, many ways of acquiring information. And recently some have come forward surrounding the recent incident. I am going to allow Snape to pursue a detention without further investigation."

For a moment Ginny felt as if Dumbledore's eyes were directed at her. Ginny desperately tried to squirm away from the situation. _I can't have someone like Hermione on to me._

"But how?" Ron wanted to continue, but Hermione silenced him with a glare.

"HE DIDN'T DO IT!" Harry bellowed. The feeling of deep injustice raising in him like a flame.

"Mr. Potter, do you want to take blame in your friend's place?" Snape was brimming vitriol.

Ron looked at Harry and tried shaking his head as inconspicuously as possible.

"YES, I DO." Harry stated firmly. His rational mind dead and gone.

"Of course, It all makes sense now! Potter, you were the one to blame all along! And to get yourself out of trouble, what did you do? You framed your best friend! How nasty, how nasty of you Mr. Potter." Severus Snape was on a pedestal.

"What? No!"

"What nonsense!" McGonagall interjected. "Both of them should be punished, and both of them are guilty."

Hermione was dumbfounded. A rare sight. "But they didn't do anything! Professors, please, see reason!"

Almost everyone involved, gestured for her to shut up. Harry, Ron, McGonagall and even Dumbledore waving his hand at her dismissively.

_They're afraid she's going to get detention too. Got to say, the Trio, really sticks together through thick and thin._

"A permanent detention for the whole year. Six in the morning to midnight. Including Sundays. Every single moment you don't have lectures, you are detained!"

"Severus, that's ridiculous. Six hours of sleep?" McGonagall was infuriated.

Dumbledore placed a calming hand on both heads of houses, and spoke softly, so only the immediate people around them could hear. "Severus, Minerva, let's make it two months. And six to nine every day except Sundays and lectures. They need time to study."

"But Headmaster?" Snape looked like his favorite toy had been taken away.

"That is all. Give Mr. Weasley back his ring. We have caused quite a commotion here. We should let everyone resume their meals in peace. Come." Dumbledore commanded the two of them, and the trio descended back begrudgingly to the staff table.

Ginny beamed on the inside. Her subconscious laughing hysterically. _That was insane. That was awesome._

"We didn't do it." Ron repeated over and over again, during the whole dinnertime. Hermione and Harry consoling him miserably.

Finally, Ginny looked up at the still cackling frame of Draco Malfoy. Noticing her gaze, he gave her a single wink and a nod. _Good job, Draco, good job._

***

_Snide, evil women. Talking behind her back. Talking about her appearance, about her behavior. Judging her. Now racing brooms. An impossible escape. Deadly paralyzing fear. If only I could make it. If only I could reach the other side. But I'm outgunned and outnumbered. No! Always outnumbered, never outgunned. I can do this. Two men on my trail. One in front. Shooting curses. Terrible deadly curses. And it's justified. They're aurors. They're the ministry. I'm the one-_

The dark sky above her was replaced by a dusty ceiling. And the blazing firebolt beneath her by sweat filled bed sheets. Someone was tugging her awake.

_Don't thug. _She wanted to yell aloud. _I'm sleeping. Or whatever this is called now. Hallucinating delirious-_

"Ginny?"

"Ginny, are you awake?"

"No! I am not." She opened her eyes and lamented sarcastically.

"I'm so sorry, Ginny, we just- we didn't finish." Anne was rambling apologetically.

She sighed deeply. Last traces of her delirious hallucinations slipping away into nothingness. Her body was tired and unwilling to stand. She forced herself up nevertheless and took a glance at the clock. _Two more hours until I meet Draco._

"Alright, get the items you stashed away in your room and let's go down. Sorry, I look a bit annoyed." She tried for a laugh, but it turned into a muffled yawn.

Anne exited the dormitory steadfast, and Ginny started to feel bad about her display of annoyance. She dressed for the night quickly. Putting on dark jeans and a violet camisole.

Yawning and stretching her hands behind her back, she slowly made her way down to the common room. Anne greeted her again with a small wave and a hidden smile.

"I presume, Ron and Harry already returned?"

"Yup, I saw them. Their detention was supposed to be in the morning, but Snape doubled down. They had a real night shift, from what I gather." Anne squeaked studiously.

"Sad to hear."

They both sat on the opposite sides of the table where Anne had arranged their supplies. Ginny resting her head against the solid wood - still a fraction lightheaded. In that position, the older girl dished out orders. "Put the pot on the fire and start stirring the half-finished vials. Then just go by the book, I'll instruct if you mess something up."

Anne nodded and went to work. They had in total started eleven vials of the sleeping draught. Of which Ginny was considering giving five or so to Anne - in hopes she would be able to make her own.

Ginny had desired to go to sleep early, but in the process had forgotten about her promise. A rare success without potions. The nightmares as customary had come back. _It's not that bad, calm down. Yes, I am detoxing. I can handle the withdrawals... some of the time. Plus, I'm making more right now! Hell, it's an automatic potion mixing factory named Anne._

Sensing her inner smile, Anne grinned at her. She returned her grin. "You're doing great. It took me much longer to get to where you are right now!"

Her mind kept returning to the mission at hand. _I must get those ingredients. Tonight, or tomorrow at the latest. Perhaps plant some in Ron's room? No, too risky._

_I need to give Draco more information about the ritual. About the darkest part of it._ She shivered. _I hope he doesn't run away from me when I tell him. No, maybe I should hold on. We have so much to talk about. His Malfoy Manor. Me distancing myself from the Order. Him closing in on the deatheaters. This is such a mess. But I must inform him about the Hogsmeade visit. It's the only way to acquire the ritual sacrifice._

The idea of what she was about to do scared her tremendously. But there was excitement mixed in. The ritual had to happen in just four days. Months of planning had gone into it. Weeks of anticipation, but it still seemed too close. _Am I ready?_ Subconsciously, she drew calmness from observing the repetitive work Anne performed.

The younger girl immersed herself in brewing. All her efforts fixed on a singular task. No longer Ginny saw just a worker bee. There were dark circles beneath her blue petite eyes. "What's your last name? By now I suppose you know I'm a Weasley."

"Anne Greenwater." She pronounced her full name clearly.

"That's a beautiful name."

"Thanks." Anne's cheeks grew rosy red.

"It's from your parents?"

The younger girl nodded, now more serious.

There was comfortable silence between them. Ginny continued to observe Anne Greenwater, now with more sober and perceptive eyes. There was something terribly sad about her. In the way she moved, in the way she carried herself. Neat all around, but wistfully broken.

"Why are you so sad?" Ginny asked with a tiny, polite laugh.

"What?" Anne grinned back at the older girl. "I'm not!"

"That's good, you shouldn't be! We will figure how to make these potions together - and you will be fine."

Tenderly, she decided to change topics while trying to keep utmost eye contact. "You mentioned you're from an orphanage, and in a muggle orphanage at first?"

"Yeah, but they moved me quite soon."

"At what age did you arrive there?"

"Six." Anne replied, but her voice choked a tiny fraction. "My parents died in a car crash, they were muggles."

"You told me you were muggleborn." Ginny kept eye contact throughout and tried to convey her sympathy almost wordlessly. "I'm so sorry."

The little girl shrugged. "At least I got to know them. As far as I can remember."

The older girl smiled warmly. "They were nice?"

"Yes." Anne replied, her response filled with emotion. "They were very nice."

"NO ANNE! Smash them, not chop them! Throw those away!"

"I'm sorry." She squeaked.

"Don't be. Trust me, I have made this mistake so many times! It's almost something I was saying to myself."

The first-year had worked for about twenty minutes, before finally Ginny decided to join in. Together they went through the many stirring cycles, while Anne performed most of the ingredient smashing. "Broader strokes. How many have we finished?"

"Two more need stirring."

"We are doing great!" Ginny beamed. "You wouldn't believe it, but Harry Potter was told his parents also died in a car crash. By his nasty muggle minders."

"No way!" Anne laughed in disbelief. "Harry Potter, the savior of the wizarding world? His parents were heroes!"

"Maybe yours were too?" Ginny laughed.

Anne replied with a wistful grin. "Maybe."

"For Christmas you're going back there - to the orphanage?"

"Well I suppose so, if everyone is going. We usually have a Christmas tree and a party." There was a clear lack of enthusiasm in her voice.

Ginny considered her own Christmas. Family filled. Full of unconditional love - in place of expensive presents. In that moment, she felt sorry for Anne being stowed away in a spiritless mass event.

"Harry sometimes comes over for my family's Christmas party. So does Hermione. It's loads of fun."

"Oh, sounds nice."

"Maybe, if you want, you could come with us for a few days? We got a spare room. Me, Harry, Ron, Hermione. You know us!" She tried her best to inspire confidence in Anne, to make her accept the offer.

"Umm..." The younger girl wasn't sure. "I don't want to be a burden."

Ginny was smiling and shaking her head reassuringly. "Of course not. You won't be."

"I'd love to go then! Really!" Anne finally answered, and her smile had now spread from cheek to cheek.

"Great! We'll exchange owls beforehand and set the dates."

"Alright, thanks Ginny. That's nice of you."

"It's nice hanging out with you too." For a moment Ginny started to feel confused. Why was she helping Anne? What draw her to this girl? She could not place it. Often, she considered the many dark parts of her personality. But this was kindness. This was the best part of who she was as a human being. _I guess... I'm not only... a terribly twisted, lying drug addict._

_But here we are… the thing that connects us - a sleeping draught._

They were now almost done, but she could tell, Anne was trying to figure out something on her own.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she asked a question. "You asked me, why am I sad. Ginny, why are you so sad?"

The questions stunned her. She blinked and tried to concentrate on responding with something. "I'm fine! Maybe a bit sleepy, that's all, don’t worry."

"Oh, ok."

Laughing the question away did not feel right for her. Nobody had asked her this. Of course, both Luna and Remus had inquired - but not as directly. Ginny ruminated how to respond truthfully. There was so much on her mind. The ritual, the sacrifice, her meeting tonight. Whatever was happening with... Draco.

"No, sorry. I think I know what you mean." She decided on a half-truth. "It's a boy."

"A boy?" Anne was wide eyed and surprised.

"Yeah, a very handsome, a very... charming boy." Ginny felt the urge to giggle. Her giggle immediately reciprocated.

"Do you like him?" Anne asked, and immediately blushed.

Ginny laughed. "I do, I think I do. But I just don't know if I can trust him... he's not from Gryffindor... he's very introverted."

“Introverted..." Anne tested the word aloud. "Does he like you?"

_Does Draco like me? Has he ever said it? I said it to him, but he...._ She mentally went through all their interactions. His request for exchanging letters. His expression of being hurt after the terrible summer. His willingness to help her with the ritual. Gears were turning in her head, she was now seeing the bigger picture.

"He has never said it, but I... I think he does."

Anne beamed at her.

"But boys are weird like that. You can never quite tell what they are thinking."

"Definitely! Boys are from another planet!" Anne joined her in free spirited laughter.

They exchanged a few more minutes of pleasant conversation about the various boys in their respective years. Finally, Ginny was struck with an idea. "I have a favor to ask you."

"Alright, what is it?"

"I have some potions that need mixing for tomorrow or so. But they are damn repetitive and quite simple. Yes, I could use magic, but I must admit that my charms are not on the level of a human being. What do you think about it? It's a couple of hours work tomorrow. I would really appreciate it."

_I need to have everything for the ritual as soon as possible._

"I'll help you." The first-year Gryffindor replied instantly. Presumably to repay for Ginny's help.

"Great, I'll give you the details tomorrow. I think we are done here. Can you pack everything up?"

"How many of these vials do you think you will need, Anne? You should be able to learn how to make your own before long..."

"Umm..." Anne was puzzled, not knowing what quantity to ask for.

Ginny decided to not push her. Seeing the younger girl would be hard pressed to come up with a definite answer. "Let's say I give you five vials. And if by then you are out of stock, I'll give you the rest of them."

"What if... by then, I'm still not good enough to make my own?" The concern was etched on her face, disconcerting Ginny.

"Well, then. You will just have to learn in the sleepless nights." Ginny laughed. "Helped me loads."

"Oh." Anne was taking her answer seriously.

"My girl! I'm joking! I will help you then. Don't worry, you will learn this in no time. Look around on the table! You made these!" She cheered her up.

"Thanks, Ginny. For the DA meetings. For everything. I will help you tomorrow with your brewing task as best as I can."

"Superb! Now take five of these with you and go to sleep. I will sit here for a while and put everything back."

"Goodnight, Ginny!"

"Goodnight." She waved back sleepily.

Drawing out her wand, the Gryffindor went through the motions of cleaning everything up. _Why am I so nice to her? _She ruminated to herself, while bringing upstairs the remaining vials. The darkness of the dormitory delivered the answer. _Perhaps, because she reminds me of myself?_

Out of the six vials, she took two, and stashed them away in her bag. She usually carried it to the lake and back. The ever-warm blanket was there as well. Also, some food and a bottle of water. Sometimes, she sneaked out to the house elves to get a thermos of hot earl grey tea.

_Like me? No. She is not controlled by the Dark Lord in her first year. _

_It's the sleeplessness that bonds us. People never understand how tough it can get._

Ginny descended back to the common room and glanced at her watch. She had still half an hour until the specified meeting time with Draco.

_I can't believe I told him about the horcrux. Voldemort's soul. And he didn't run for the hills?_ But he had been horror struck, and for the briefest of moments - scared of her. _Scared of me? Oh, no. Draco, please don't be scared of me._

_I did not explain the whole ritual. I need to do that tonight, or perhaps tomorrow morning. I was so intoxicated last night.... I can't believe I said I liked him. He... he didn't say anything back. He was so uncomfortable afterwards. _She didn't want to think about it. _Maybe he wanted for me to sober. I'm never sober.... I'm horrible. I'm a horrible addict._

_Don't think like that! Stop!_ Regretfully, she pulled out the vial from her bag, and slowly gulped it down. _Just one. In time, I'll get rid of this shit._

Their conversation last night had taken an unexpected turn. Draco, confiding the truth about his father Lucius. The impact of his disgrace, but most importantly - his mission to revive the Dark Lord. Draco had clearly shown he admired his father. _Not his methods, but his aspirations. Oh, my._

She could imagine his home being turned into deatheater headquarters. And Bellatrix. _Private lessons? He said he needed a favor from me that he will reveal tonight. What could that be?_

Glancing back at the clock, Ginny knew she had to get going. She cast the locomotion silencing charm on her feet, and slowly slid out of the common room. A trivial spell froze the portrait from protesting.

She was done with the Order. Fed up and disillusioned. _After what they did to me? After what Dumbledore did to me?_

A voice in her head kept nagging her about Remus. He is part of the Order. _But he is an outlier. I don't want to side with them. I want to side with the winning side. _These thoughts paralyzed her, they made her feel alone and terrified. _I have to speak with Draco about this. He must have the dark mark._


	10. The Ritual 4

The corridors were dark and unpleasant. Her thoughts raced. She was already outside and grabbed for her wand, to cast a warming charm on her thin clothes. Her shivering reflexes were fiercely adapted. Noradrenaline, one of the magical substances of the brain, coursing through her. While adrenaline increases blood flow to the muscles, its cousin noradrenaline increased blood flow to essential organs - while leaving the rest of the body to freeze to death. Prioritizing survival over a limb or two.

She had wondered, why her sedative potions did not stop the shivering. But nowadays she no longer cared. Her body convulsing a merely distracting phenomenon. The heating charm ramped up, and the teeth clenching shivering diminished. The month of November had arrived. The grass was furred over with hoar frost. An unwelcome reminder of time passing too fast.

_The lake must now be warmer than air. I could take a swim in it._ This ridiculous thought aroused unbound excitement. _There is something tonight, something we could make of it. Me and Draco. I can feel it._

She laid out her ever-warm blanket. A poor man's Marauder's map. Sadly, the blanket possessed no mapping capabilities. Then she magically extended it to make room for Draco. A spell that had evaded her capabilities for the past year, but she had yearned to master. Usually he took the tree stump. _It's bad for his buttocks. And trust me, I care for his buttocks._

Throwing her bag onto it, and taking a seat, she closed her eyes. This time, to begin meditation. A practice prescribed to her by Remus and reserved for half an hour before sleep. Adeptly, she soon began to see closed eye visuals - fractals and patterns. The mind slowing down and attuning to a more serene frequency - both figuratively and literally. Everyday beta waves slowly being replaced by alpha waves.

In just ten minutes, she had achieved a deeper state of consciousness. Active thoughts lessened and stopped. Beta waves in the brain slowing down into theta waves. The destination for contemplation.

Remus was adamant that a state called delta waves existed, but neither of them had ever achieved it. To an observer the brain signals would be indistinguishable from sleep.

_Perhaps, sleep was the ultimate form of mediation itself. _

_No, it's the subconscious. But who's to tell the subconscious is not conscious? Just incapable to act. _This unsettling thought was breaking Ginny out of her trance. A wild theory she had possessed for years and shared only with Remus.

The brain had two halves. Only in single one of those speech was localized. If muggles got severely sick, their last resort treatment was cutting both halves of the brain loose. Usually connected by very thin canals. Now, his brain separated, the muggle lost his sense of emotion, but retained speech. In rare cases it was the other around.

Sometimes, she feared there was another part of her. Seeing, feeling, observing, but without the capacity of speech or movement. Only emotion.

Another consciousness inside her mind. Merely noticing and unable to act.

_And how is that different from what is happening right now?_

_If free will is not real, isn't just another consciousness seeing, but unable to act - me?_

Whichever the case - the subconscious - had to be considered and accounted for.

"Weasley!" Draco repeated audibly. "Weasley, are you alright?"

"I thought we got past last names." Her exhale was deep and pronounced. "I suppose not... Draco."

"What can I tell you? The habit's hard to break." He smirked.

"Whatever, Malfoy." She felt his remarks were unnecessary. "Did you enjoy the show?"

"Show? Oh, yes, I did. I enjoyed it very much." Draco laughed loudly.

"It was... something." She mused, trying to gather her sporadic thoughts. "The trio were so beaten down afterwards in the common room. I was almost sad for them."

Malfoy's face hardened, his mirth lessening.

"I'm joking, I'm joking. God forbid, you are so dense sometimes!" Now she was laughing.

While she rummaged her bag, for the last remaining vial she had packed, Draco expanded on his late evening celebrations.

"The whole Slytherin common room had a party! We really went all out!"

Ginny uncorked the vial and put it to her mouth. "You guys are so petty!"

Draco observed her action dismissively but did not say anything. "No, we are not! The trio had it long coming to them. Sad, Granger got away scot free."

"She always does." Ginny sighed, while gulping down the peppermint sleeping draught.

"You want any?" The Gryffindor asked while pointing at her empty vial. "It's my sleeping draught."

"Nah, that's not for me. I wouldn't mind a Firewhiskey, thought. We only had a few butterbeers in the common room. The elves are so hard to coerce."

"Really?" Ginny was stung by a sudden thought. A premonition coming true. "You can get Firewhiskey from the elves?"

"If you're a professor."

Ginny stashed away this knowledge in the back of her mind. "Did you bring the ingredients?"

"Oh, sorry. I have only half of what we took in my backpack. We can meet tomorrow morning. I can manage to fit in the rest of it."

Draco seemed distracted. The reason for their meeting was not celebratory, nor the ingredients. He had asked her to come yesterday, because there was something on his mind. Something important he had wanted to share but had restrained from.

"No magical expanding charms to get all of them? That's too hard for you... whatever." She was annoyed but took the small pack of items from Draco. "I will go over the list right now. To see what you've left out."

She unraveled the small paper package and peaked inside. Almost half of the necessary ingredients were there. The rest of it were decoys, she had deliberately packed, to send Snape of her trail.

"Hmm Draco... there is ergotamine here and ayahuasca. Powerful stuff. Really... relaxing, mind expanding even. This was not on my list. Nor the decoy list."

"You told me to pack decoys."

"No, I don't recall so, but I did tell you some items on the list were decoys. Good that you did, though. Ayahuasca is way better than alcohol!" She could not hide her glee seeing this combination of plants.

"How do you know? What does it do?"

"Ergotamine is an entactogen, makes you feel better, everything's more interesting. Touch, sound, sight, your own thoughts and the world around you."

"I'm fine how it is."

_Then why the firewhiskey?_

"Ayahuasca on the other hand is a pure psychedelic." She continued. "This summer... I was alone a lot, Draco. Stowed away in the Order safe house with dark magic artefacts. Let's say I had some fun. Maybe went a bit too far." _Not sure if I ever recovered from that eight trip, to be honest._

Draco did not say anything, but his look conveyed the utmost disapproval. She decided to drop the topic for the time being.

"I got a crazy idea, Draco." Ginny beamed at him. This time he cracked and returned a smile.

"I'm not doing that ayahuasca thing. What is it?"

"Firewhiskey! Draco, we go back inside. We go to the kitchens. And there we get loads of firewhiskey bottles!" She almost screamed at him in glee. "This is the night Draco, this is the night we finally have some fun."

"What? No!" Draco could not contain himself. He was both stunned and amazed at the same time.

"Yes!" She glowed with excitement. "Fun. Three letters! Spell it with me!"

There was a long pause and an exasperated sight. "And how do you suppose we achieve THAT?"

_Sometimes, I feel you are not the brightest crayon in the box. At least you're in the box._

"Buy the ticket, take the ride Draco. A great wizard said that."

"A great wizard said that? Something about buying tickets?"

"Quite a quotable a guy. Another thing he said is that freedom dies, Draco, unless it's used. Isn't that true?" Ginny was now more mellow, the second potion finally coming online.

She recalled another quote.

_You better take care of me Lord, if you don't, you're gonna have me on your hands. _

As Draco kept silent, she continued her explanation. "Hunter S. Thompson. He was a specialist in the occult. A kabbalist. An experimental alchemist. Together with Shulgin and Hofmann, one of the great experimenting potion makers of the century."

"And how is that related?" Draco was starting to get agitated. "Weasley, you are making no sense right now."

"I'm making no sense? Come on Draco!" She felt intoxicated both physically and mentally. "Take my hand, let's go!"

A forceful sense of confidence was rising in her. As if she knew what the plan was, or how she would achieve it. It did not matter. She felt as if on Felix Felicis. This was the night to show for it. To show for past misery.

With great unease, Draco Malfoy extended his hand. She took it in a single strike. The feeling of an intimate touch spiraling upwards her body. "Fuck it. I'm taking the ergot alkaloids. You do as you please."

And just like that, she fished out the offending plant and swallowed it. With her free hand, she removed her bag, and took out the bottle of water she had stashed away.

"We're gonna leave your blanket here?" Came Draco's uncertain question. He seemed like a man thrown out of his position. Too afraid to break the magic of the moment, but too uneasy about events around him.

"Come on, take it!" She broke their hand connection and extended to him both the ergot plant and the water bottle. "It has a bitter aftertaste."

Draco observed her like never before. A wild animal. Suddenly freed from her enclosure. Too weird to live, but too rare to die.

In his eyes were etched out the words. _What happened to you?_ And she could not discern if it was meant in the past, present or both.

Slowly, he made up his mind, but never broke eye contact. A true exercise in trust. Draco took the given dosage from Ginny and downed it in a single chug.

"You can tell by the magical signature, these plants are extremely high in lysergic acid. The main ingredient. It will get processed by magic in our bodies into diethylamide. The final active component."

"You're the potions expert. No need to dwell on the technicalities." Draco dismissed her. "We are going to go get that Firewhiskey, right? That's something I understand."

"Yes! But I have to admit these are low doses, only a slight entactogen effect will appear. Nothing like an ayahuasca trip. We are almost below the effective threshold."

"What does that mean?"

"No open eye visuals, no auditory disturbances. So, don't worry, everything is just going to be a bit more… interesting and intense."

Their hands met again. Repeatedly sending a shot of electrical signal throughout their bodies. The pacing began. The long walk back towards the castle. Shortened only by their rapid steps.

"I can't believe we are doing this." He almost protested. The main entrance had come into viewing distance. They still had several minutes to go.

"Me neither!" She laughed back in suppressed glee. Her emotional dam finally bursting. "Draco, there is something I have to talk to you about. Something, I've avoided ever since September."

She could feel his unease raising, but no reply came.

"I'm sorry about the past two months." She blurted out in an explosion of syllables.

"What?"

"I'm sorry about the past two months."

"Oh."

Even in her apologetic mood, his bored response annoyed her.

"I ignored you. I avoided you. Any time we met I only said 'Hi’ and tried to run for the hills."

_Draco why don't you ever respond? It's making this so hard for me._ "I felt so bad avoiding you, when you tried to talk to me. But you must understand now - why I did it."

"No." He was curt. She suspected he was hurt in some abstract sense, but she could not discern the reason precisely.

_What?_ Confusion was creeping over her. "It's Voldemort's soul, Draco. A piece of it. I was so frightened."

"I know. But I still don't understand why you didn’t talk to me."

_He thought I trusted him more. That's... surprising._ She did not know what to say or how to reassure him. In a roundabout manner, Draco had just admitted something important to her.

They were closing in on the castle. All conversation had to stop once there. The fiery night watch goblets were coming in view and casting long shadows around them. The air was moist and uncomfortable. Her warming charm had waned in intensity.

"It was a mistake. I'm sorry." _I know, that must've been hard for you._

For the first time he responded affirmatively. With a single small nod. A motion that metaphorically signaled the end of this conversation. Ginny wondered what would have happened if she had waited until Draco was less sober. _Still time for that._

The Slytherin boy opened and held the large entrance doors for her. The Entrance Hall, as usual, looked suspiciously empty and devoid of movement. To their disbelief no guards were located here and never had been. The kitchens were directly under the Great Hall, down the staircase leading to the Hufflepuff basement. In the corridor outside one could find a painting of a bowl of fruit. If one tickles the pear in the painting, it will squirm, laugh, and then transform into a green door-knob.

Both of them, armed with this knowledge, headed down one level below the Great Hall. Turning left in a pathway that was otherwise heading to the Dungeons. They approached the painting without saying a word.

Her intoxication was raising, as she realized how ridiculous their plan was. "We need a better plan, Draco. Or…"

"We need a plan in general."

"Yeah…" She agreed as they both paced the surprisingly lit corridor. No doubt the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room was nearby. _Could their average higher body weight be explained now?_

"How far are you willing to go?"

"To achieve what? I just want a bottle of firewhiskey, not to sabotage my stay here."

She started to pace back and forth, trying to gather her muddled thoughts. They had two main problems. First was the sheer number of houselves. If they entered right now, they would be swamped. Second one was house elf magic. Even if she could cast a confundus on one of them - she was not sure it would stick.

"How about a simple bait and switch? We don't want to fight a war of attrition with them. We're outnumbered." She offered.

"What's the bait?'

"You!" She beamed, her good mood returning, and the ergot extract kicking in. "You're the bait, Draco."

"Ok, great Ginny." He replied and instantly shut off. "I can't believe I said that."

"You can't believe what?"

"I can't believe …. that the shit you gave me is working. I can't hold my thoughts anymore... to myself."

"Great!" She gazed at him immorally. In full knowledge of this effect. "At least you will now speak your mind."

It was much harder to separate thoughts and words during a conversation, while under an entactogen influence. Not impossible, just more truth spilled out accidentally. A fact that could either bond or mess up their relationship. But it was a chance Ginny was willing to take.

"Thanks for accepting being the bait."

"That was sarcasm."

"Oh, was it?"

"This is so messed up. I can't believe this shit is working." Draco was holding his head with his hands.

"I like you more like this. More talkative. Don't worry, it's only the initial rush. You'll get the hang of it. It will peak in a bit and then plateau. How did you not expect it to work? It crosses the blood brain barrier Draco, and then attacks several of the G protein-coupled receptors. It's potions one-oh-one. First year material."

"I don't need a lecture from you…. you're not my mother!"

She bit her tongue. _He's tripping, alright._

They spent the next dozen minutes discussing the plan. Draco looking more and more unconvinced. "Are you sure you can pull off a full Imperius? It's one of the unforgivables, Ginny."

_In your mind, you call me - Ginny - more. That's nice to know, Draco._

"What did you just think about?" Draco asked inquisitively.

"Nothing."

"Nothing. Don't worry about it." She repeated.

Now he was the one to smirk. "Got you! You're just better at keeping your thoughts to yourself. Not your facial expressions, though."

"Trust me, keeping my intoxicated thoughts to myself is an artform I'm a maestro in."

He was frowning at her. "How so?"

She sighed. "Not now. I can pull of the Imperius. Dean got my full wrath during the day, not sure if you heard about it."

"You did that? With Imperius?" He half yelled, before shushing himself. "That had to be a huge risk…. but the spectacle!"

"Yeah, it was a spectacle for sure. It's nice that you appreciate it. Nobody knows, of course. Let's go get that firewhiskey."

Draco tickled the small pear. It squirmed with delight and turned into a tiny doorknob. Slowly, he opened the pathway, and they both entered the almost total darkness of the kitchens. There were faint lanterns placed on the large tables irradiating the enormous hall. The room was extremely high-ceilinged, no doubt magically expanded. There were glittering brass pots and pans heaped by both walls.

A small, sleepy house-elf was the only one to arrive right away, just moments after they had closed the door behind them. "I'm Binky, sire. What do you wish in this late hour?"

Ginny tried to hold in her giggle. The lines, she had convinced Draco to deliver were utterly ridiculous. She could see his apprehension, but there was no way out. _I'm really pushing him tonight. Something to keep in mind, I guess._

"Binky, I missed dinner tonight, and I really want a snack or two. Could you help me out?" Draco choked out the words as if they took part of his soul.

"Of course, mister. Of course, what would you please?"

She knew the other houselves would arrive any moment. After Draco's words, all her attention was concentrated on it. Slowly, she raised her wand, and pointed it at the tiny houself. _Imperius!_

In that single word she tried to carry all her will, all her confidence, and all her will to power. Imperius was a power curse, if the caster was not adequate - the curse would fail.

"Bring us a bottle of Ogden's finest Firewhiskey, please Binky." Rang out Ginny's measured, authoritative voice. Her confident, low timbre carrying melody.

Binky turned to her instantly. "Of course, Miss, right away Miss."

"And Binky." Ginny ordered darkly. "Please inform the other houselves we are fine on our own. Let them sleep."

Binky nodded and departed at once. Draco turned to her with a significant look but did not say anything. _I displayed so much power, I felt so good doing it, so free, so liberating._

In just mere moments, Binky returned with a brownish looking bottle wrapped at the top. Draco took it right away and thanked the house-elf.

"The pleasure is all mine." Binky replied passively.

"Binky, this was a dream. Because you were the one who took the bottle. You drank it alone. Now, go to sleep, and if anyone asks - tell them you met no one. Is that clear?"

"Yes, mistress. Goodnight, mistress." Binky bowed deeply and departed.

The ergot extract was working in more than just the social sense. It invigorated Ginny. She felt dopamine coursing through her veins. The intense feeling of euphoria and power. Mixed with her sleeping draughts - the combination was of acute gratification. A feeling she was hard pressed to shake off or abandon.

"Weasley." Draco seemed to be repeating himself. "Weasley, let's go."

This time, he was the one to take her by the hand. The energy between them returning. In just mere moments they were back outside. Looking at the closed doors, hidden only by a single painting of a fruit bowl.

The only difference, a bottle of Ogden's finest Firewhiskey in Draco's hands.

Without much of a ceremony, Draco uncorked it, and took a healthy chug. He offered it to Ginny - who declined politely.

"You go ahead! I have my sleeping draughts. Alcohol muddles the effect." Ginny noted, as they began the long pace back.

As Draco shrugged, and went ahead with emptying the bottle, she considered the morality of her own actions. Entactogens and psychedelics were harmless, but alcohol and sedatives like hers were not. They exited the basement level swiftly, and in no time were back in the Entrance Hall. Even if Filch appeared, right that moment, she would not care. It would take a simple Imperius out of her, and he would be dealt with. All fear was lost and forsaken.

"You really don't want any?" Draco said sluggishly, offering her the bottle.

Like with Blaise's cigarette, Ginny pretended to take a tiny chug, only wetting her lips. "Alright. But I dare you, Draco, to empty that bottle. I'll surprise you with something in return."

"In return?" Draco was skeptical.

"Yes, let's say... something special." She grinned seductively. _I've no idea what I'm doing. Just …. just having some fun, I guess. _

For the briefest of moments she wondered if she was encouraging substance abuse. Herself a victim, it seemed bad to bring others down. _But Draco can take it, it's only one night. I'm not pushing him down to my level._ But this reverie faded fast, as her active mind was already plotting. Obsessed over how to brew another dose of her sleeping draughts.

They had exited the castle for several minutes now. Ginny had resumed to shiver violently, and the ground below them was horribly muddy. It had looked like a heavy downpour of rain had headed their way. But the winds had flipped, and now the sky was clear and starry. Perfect for a fiery and eventful night.

The sudden darkness was unwelcome. It changed the atmosphere around them. Like a tiny dementor sucking out happiness, leaving both of them hanging for dear life. Draco continued to take small chugs from the bottle and shuddered in the process. Intermittently, he offered the bottle to her.

The realization, their adventure had ended hit Ginny suddenly and violently. _I have to ask him questions. Last night he revealed so much. Oh, how much would I give to just have a good time, to drink and don't give a fuck. Instead I have to…_

"Draco, you did not explain yesterday. What is happening in the Malfoy Manor exactly?"

He sighed, sensing the shift in conversation. "What do you want to know?"

"Is it the headquarters now? Similar to Grimmauld place?"

"I haven't been to your Grimmauld place, and I hope I never have to. But, yes. I think, my home is the very definition of headquarters at the moment. The Dark Lord has taken over the master suite. Everything. It's no longer a home, Ginny. It's a fortress. A well-armed and defended fortress."

"Oh." She was taken back by his sudden honesty. Looking at Draco, it seemed he was as well.

After taking another healthy chug from Ogden's finest Firewhiskey, Draco continued.

"Deatheaters are going in and out as if they owned the place. The Dark Lord himself is there often. In the main dining area having meetings."

_I had no idea the war had already escalated so far. Having meetings? Plotting against the ministry?_

"What about you?" She could not hide the quiver in her voice. She was scared for her friend.

"About me? Nothing…" He laughed, but his laugh was bitter. Draco looked at the bottle but decided not to take another chug. "My mother, Ginny. My mother did, and still does everything she can to shield me. We used to live in a separate wing of the manor."

The bitterness in his voice repelled her from asking more questions, but she had to. "You used to live in a separate wing? What happened?"

Draco shuddered, again. This time not from the drink. "One day, my aunt Bella came into our apartments. She talked with my mother. They fought and screamed for hours. My mother…. she was in tears."

Ginny was too horrified to even exhale. She had never witnessed such candidness from the boy she thought she knew.

Draco took another chug. "Finally, Bella came into my room, and told me the Dark Lord had big plans for me. After my father's failure I had to take his place. To-"

But at that point, Draco understood he had shared too much. She desperately wanted for him to continue. To come clean. For her to finally understand what was going on. But instead, Draco kept silent. And the silence stretched on.

Losing her patience, she asked tentatively. "You had to take your father's place. Some of his responsibilities?"

"Yes, I suppose you could call those responsibilities. Ginny, can we talk about this a bit later? Can you give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts?"

"Of course."

They paced in complete silence for ten more minutes. She had finally remembered to cast the warming charm on her - thus ending her shivering misery. Their lake meeting place was just moments away. _To give him a moment to collect his thoughts? Boy, it must be bad. I don't think I can push him on this. If he tells me, he tells me. If not, then not. _

As if overcoming a great boulder in his throat, he finally spoke. "I made a pact with Bellatrix. A simple one. In exchange for favor from the Dark Lord - she would train me. It was my doing. I wanted the training, and I received it."

_That can't be all. But it's part of it. Training? Training for what? If I knew that, it would explain the rest of it._

"Was she a good instructor?"

"She trained me well."

Ginny shivered, this time not from the cold, but the darkness in his voice. There was no point continuing the topic, she had extracted all the information she could have wished for.

_Except...but no, there is no way that could be true._

A sudden thought frightened her.

The Gryffindor stopped in her tracks.

Their hand connection broken. Draco continued to pace for several more steps as she stood on the spot.

As he turned and looked at her, his face carried the most apprehension she had ever witnessed. "What is it?"

"The dark mark." She whispered, so silently, only she could hear it.

"What is it, Ginny? I did not hear you." Draco was coming back towards her.

"The dark mark, Draco."


	11. The Ritual 5

The very moment he heard her - she knew it was true. Draco had been branded by the dark mark. But it was just for a single instant that the mask wore off. Milliseconds later, Draco Malfoy had resumed his cool and collected exterior. The exterior of a masked deatheater.

There was alcohol in his breath. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Can you pass the bottle, please?"

As she received the bottle, she corked it securely and put it in her backpack.

Draco observed her actions with drunken indifference.

"The dark mark, Draco. Can you, please, show it to me?"

"I- I don't have it." His voice quivered. "Why would I have it? Why would the Dark Lord entrust me with it?"

_I don't know Draco, I don't know._

"I know you have it." She replied plainly. "Please, show it to me. I would love to see it."

Only blind drunkenness directed what was about to happen. Hesitantly, Draco pulled up his sleeve. Revealing a large marked symbol. On his inner left forearm was a skull. A skull laced with a long, evil looking serpent.

"A brand from the Dark Lord." She whispered mesmerized, while he glared at her.

She approached the Slytherin boy slowly, step by step, extending her own palm towards him. He did not take a single step back. Instead, Draco's eyes bore into hers. Whatever was happening inside his mind was intense and unbearable.

All inhibitions lost, she slowly caressed Draco's forearm. In a sensual, sexual sense she could not pull herself away from this dark curse. The skull. The serpents. Snakes coming out from the mouth of a skull. In vivid dark green ink. _Evil._

Not taking away her fingertips from his forearm, she looked up. This time, their eyes locked in something more. They locked in mutual understanding - never shared by either of them with another human being.

An intense psychedelic experience. She felt as if she was Draco, and she was the one being branded. And no doubt, Draco, could feel as if he was the one touching the object implanted on him.

Tenderly, she slid away her fingertips from his arm. Tracing the lines of the snake down to his palm and fingers. The feeling intensified by the entactogen.

"I'm so proud of you, Draco." She whispered in his ear sweetly. "I admire you. I can't even express it in words."

His mouth was agape. Stunned, he did not speak. Instead, Draco pulled back down his shirt over his hands, and in a single motion took Ginny's hand with the same hand the dark mark had been implanted on.

"Let's go back to the lake. The night is still young. There is so much I have not yet told you."

_What more could there possibly be?_

On the small, sandy shore Draco helped her lay out the ever-warm blanket, which she promptly extended again.

"At least, you won't have to sit on a tree stump." She laughed, as he sat beside her.

"Thanks for sharing for the first time." He replied with a smirk.

"Oii! Tell me what's really on your mind!" She teased. "I thought you liked the tree stump!"

He chuckled at her enacted outrage.

"It's better like this, isn't it?" She mused, as she felt him slowly put an arm around her shoulders.

"I would say so." He began. "That night, in the potions chambers. It was really nice, how you…"

"How I what?" She teased back.

"Nevermind."

Firewhiskey-ergotamine combination was working, because he continued. "How you slept in my arms."

_Oh, you liked that?_ She felt stunned. She tried to think of a joke, but only serious replies came to her mind. "I liked that too, I liked that very much Draco. I loved that you… "

"You loved that I what?" Now it was his time to tease out the truth.

"Hmm..." She felt anxious, admitting something so personal. "I loved how you carried me back to my common room. At first, I was not sure how I felt about it, but the gesture grew on me."

"When I was little, my dad used to carry my mom from room to room on special occasions. A very, very long time ago."

She looked at him again, and he was smiling. It was impossible for Ginny not to beam back, and to cuddle into his arms. They sat there intertwined, the warmth of human touch - an ancient embodiment of the most primal human experience. The sensation of true affection - one that's reciprocated.

Tenderly, she stroked his arm. Coming down from his shoulders, to his elbow and finally interlacing her fingers with his. For the next ten minutes, they played with each other's fingertips. Creating delicate, tingling sensations and connecting palms. A bizarre and primal experience.

"I've never felt a human touch to be so powerful before." Draco gasped, as they intensified their exploration of each other's bodies.

_It's the entactogen influence, Draco. The 5-HT2B serotonin receptor in the brain. But I won't ever mention it, there is no way I will ruin this beautiful moment for both of us._

"Do you want to know, the first time, I ever saw you?' Draco asked, Firewhiskey coming out of his breath.

Ginny giggled. "You remember? I don't, sorry!"

"It was on the platform nine and three quarters. Before you were allowed to go. You were looking at your brothers, hoping you could board the train next year."

"Oh." She froze. Never in a million years, would she have guessed. She tried to search for a reply, but none came.

"When I saw you, I-" He trailed off, suddenly realizing he was letting go of too much.

She desperately wanted to know this Draco Malfoy. No masks, no barriers between them. "When you saw me, what happened?"

"I -" Ginny could feel Draco's hands quiver in hers. "I was mesmerized... I think."

And in that exact moment Draco blushed beet red for the first time in his life. "I don't know, that was a long time ago. Just a-"

"Oh, no. You meant that! You were mesmerized! Mesmerized by what?"

Draco looked down, and desperately tried to let go off their hands. She was not letting him.

"I… I was mesmerized by you."

_Oh, Draco. I can't believe you just said that. That is so sweet._

Immediately, she kissed him on the cheek. She placed both of her arms around him, and kissed his face tenderly, planting small kisses every place she could reach. Draco was responding slowly, still shy from his intoxicated revelations.

"That's so sweet. Thank you for the compliment." She pulled back, sensing his discomfort, and perhaps… shame. She felt as if she was pushing his boundaries.

He did not speak anymore, but the moment lessened in intensity. A creeping feeling of paranoia was engulfing her. Her sleeping draughts were wearing off, and she could feel her withdrawals intensifying. A sudden and distasteful feeling of intense discomfort. _Just another hour in the day of an addict._

As her paranoia rose, she started to scrutinize alternative theories. _Does Draco really think like that? Is he so intoxicated that he is making stuff up? No. Exaggerating? Can I trust anything he says? Did he really mean it? Or does he just want to fuck me? I have to stop… this paranoia, this fear. This intense fear of being tricked, and then rejected._

_I have to take more. I have enough items in my backpack._

Ginny emptied the contents of her backpack on the ever-warm blanket without saying a word. Right away she started to rummage for the correct roots and plant extracts. The additional ingredient bag helping with acquiring everything. She conjured a pot and filled it with water using _aguamenti_.

"Here, you can have the bottle back." She half-laughed, displeased with where their intimate moment was going.

Ashamed she started to shove in several ingredients into a large pot. Applying the heating charm to a single object had become second nature to her. She had no special instrument for stirring, so she used a quill. This sight was dreadful. Someone in the depths of an addiction detoxing. Making more to prevent it.

Draco had turned away from her. Concern and distaste etched on his face. But he was considerate. Perhaps, because of the revelations from before, he did not dare to say anything.

"You need that?"

"I- Draco, I know this looks bad. I know I'm fucked. I don't want to be like this. Trust me everyday I wake up, I -"

_I hate myself for who I am. _"I hope, I knew a way out. To stop it, but I… can we please, not talk about it right now?"

To her complete surprise, he proceeded to place a hand on her shoulder, and spoke softly. "I trust you. I support you either way. If one day you decide you don't need this anymore - you can count on me."

"Is it just the firewhiskey speaking?" She teased in a gallows humor kind of way.

"It's almost gone... so who knows?" He joked back darkly.

"It's just that I have to fight this incredible paranoia." She was close to tears. "When the potions end - I can't think straight. I just started to think that you were lying, that you were deceiving me. I… you...."

He squeezed her shoulder firmly. "I’m here with you.”

It took her several more minutes to finish the improvised potion. "There is not enough here. I will have to take it intranasally."

Draco quirked an eyebrow, not understanding the term.

Ginny sighed, and slowly dried out the liquid from the vial. The contents turning into a crisp powder. Then she emptied the powder into a small, folded piece of paper. In this state she could concentrate the powder into a single thin line.

Now, understanding what she was about to do, Draco turned away, but his hand around her never left. Almost in tears, she snorted the powder. A sense of tingling and mild burning in her nostrils. Right afterwards came the afterdrip. The uncomfortable feeling in her throat as the powder passed through her nostrils to the back of her neck.

"I'm so sorry, Draco. I'm so embarrassed right now. I'm not like this. This is not me. It's just that I started to get so afraid... after what you said. I couldn't fight the paranoia..." _It just meant too much to me._

He had finally completed the full bottle of Firewhiskey alone. "Shush now, Gin. It's alright. Lean against me. Everything is going to be fine."

The absorption rate for the intranasal route of administration had a much quicker onset, as well as higher bioavailability. _No, I already feel the sleeping draught kicking in. The paranoia is... gone._

_What he said must had been for real._

_He meant it, when he said I mesmerized him. And now look at us. The two of us, intoxicated, laying together in each other's arms. I can't believe this isn't a dream..._

_Yesterday - we were strangers. Yesterday we were distant to each other. But now everything's changed. He told me so much about himself. I have to return it… I have to reveal something as well._

Drunkenly, she let go. "I really like you, Draco. I do."

Uncharacteristically, he replied. "What do you like?"

"You are talkative now. The Firewhiskey got you."

"It did, or else... I wouldn't have told you what I did." He was not resentful, more like completely fucked out of his regular mind and make-believe persona.

"We're both fucked up!" She declared. "Fucked up beyond repair."

The breath of Firewhiskey filled her nostrils as he spoke. "Let's get even more fucked up tonight."

She giggled back. "I would love to." _I would love to._

They let go of their inhibitions. She attacked Draco with her embrace. She was aiming to be gentle and tender, but instead their connection turned into a forceful, desperate kiss. Draco moving his hands throughout her body. Exploring every curve. Ginny strengthening her grip against his strong arms and shoulders. Their mouths intertwined. Their tongues making delicate whirls.

Draco had started to reach for her breasts. Ginny allowing him to prod and massage her. But timidly she tried to lessen the pace. To let him know there is more to come. That she is ready. _Just not tonight._ The alacrity between them continued for several more moments, and she could feel his erection. Absentmindedly and on accident she stroked it over his jeans - receiving shock pulses from his body.

Resolutely, she pulled back. Looked at the boy she fancied and whispered. "I promise we'll get there. For tonight… we should stop." _But I will remember this forever._

Draco was in heat. The male anatomy was too simple. It was designed to achieve gratification in an instant. It took him several moments to calm down. To achieve equilibrium. After what seemed like an entirely, he finally spoke. "Yes… I don't want it to happen like this."

"Suddenly... so considered." She teased him. "Mind over matter, eh? Because that's not what your body is telling me."

"Shut up, Weasley."

They stared at each other for several more minutes without saying a word. Processing everything that had just happened, processing everything that had been said.

The lingering feeling of desire pulsing through both of their veins. Gradually, the arousal diminished, and they found themselves alone. Alone at a shore of the Black Lake in the middle of the night. Protected only by very durable heating charms emanating from below.

"Draco, I hate to bring it up…. but you asked me to come here tonight for a completely different reason." She bit her lip. She did not want to ruin the magic of the moment.

He nodded. "Yes. I will explain everything you need to know. At least as far as I can. I will fill in the details after the ritual. I'm sorry, the Firewhiskey…. I have to gather my thoughts."

She nodded. They were now separated. No longer hand in hand, and she knew the conversation that was about to come will not be romantic.

"You mentioned Voldemort." Draco asked nonchalantly. All traces of friendliness and humor gone. They were in the middle of something akin to a business transaction.

"I have to return the diary, once the ritual is complete." She did not like his tone, nor the new atmosphere between them.

"I understand. There is something I need to tell you. A way I can directly help you achieve that goal."

She waited for him to speak without daring to exhale.

"I have a mission, Ginny. And I'm planning to reveal it to you tonight."

He rose up from the ever-warm blanket, stepped back and started pacing around the lake shore. His mind full of agitated thoughts. "A mission, I have not revealed to any other living human being."

After a few minutes of pacing, Draco sat down beside her, and resumed their intimate embrace. "Ginny, this is in the strictest of confidence."

"Of course."

A brief pause.

Draco's tone was grave. "I have a mission from the Dark Lord".

The redhead gasped.

"A mission I have to carry out during the next two months…. If I fail... I'm as good as dead." His phrasing was nasty, brutish and short.

She there agape, looking straight into the dark gray eyes of Draco Malfoy. "A mission from Voldemort? Are you sure? What if you fail?"

"It's been a long and tiring night. Please, let's leave the details for later." He implored. "But rest assured that I trust you. I trust you so much that I am going to bring you in. It will be up to you to help me out or not."

"Why can't you reveal it right now?" She was confused.

"I've been threatened. And I …. I don't have a full plan yet. I need to work on it. And then I will bring you in. That's the best I can do. I'm sorry." And he seemed genuinely apologetic.

_Oh, Draco._

Deciding she was done for the night as well, she smiled at him reassuringly. "Don't worry about it. I can see it's bothering you immensely... I can relate."

For the millionth time that night, they interlaced their fingers, and she buried her head in Draco's shoulder. A motion he accepted gladly, slowly stroking her neck.

"But I must admit I am awestruck. A mission from him? To you?" She said in a low voice. "Whatever the mission is... I don't think anything will break you Draco."

Her giggle was returned, and she could feel him relax against her. A boulder had been lifted from his chest. He had come clean with her, at least in part.

_The ritual sacrifice I have to make. I have to tell him it's not a blood donation from a wizard. It's so much darker than that… more insane..._

_This night has been the longest of my life._

_It just stretches on, and on… we came down here hours ago._

They lay there in each other's arms. Even wizards admitted that the world had been around for only about dozen billion years. The most recent and bizarre theories was that time itself had been created at that point. And before that, the universe emerged out of nothing. _How was that possible? _She had asked Remus, and he had replied promptly._ Because the total energy sum of all particles in our universe - positive and negative - add up… to zero. _

_The dark matter and dark energy yet unresolved are, perhaps, the forces of other universes pressing against ours in an infinite multiverse. Or perhaps, it's the energy of what we call empty space._

_But how could this be?_ She had prodded him further.

_We could say logically._ Remus reply had stunned her._ That the reason the universe looks the way it does is because... we are here to measure it._

For the first time, in a long while, she felt safe. And she could not explain why her thoughts had drifted into these strange recollections.

Still in Draco's clutches, she explained how the ayahuasca plant would work. Unsurprisingly, after a full bottle of Firewhiskey he was more receptive. She took out the two tiny plants from her bag. One that was a MAO inhibitor, and the second component targeting the 5-HT2A serotonin receptor_._ She presented her offerings to Draco, and just like that they had both taken the full dose.

Nothing happened for several minutes. The pair soon returning to their embrace. But it didn't last long. Ginny felt as if she was entering another dimension, and no doubt, Draco felt the same. The tree lines around them were glowing brightly. Changing colors from dark green to bright purple. She could only describe her own experiences, because Draco kept silent. Still not letting go, he couldn't stop admiring the new imaginary surroundings. Conjured out of thin air. A new reality created by his mind.

_And how is this one less real than before?_

The intense manner in which the climate around them changed was astounding. Soon their visual senses were overcome by strong visuals. Fractals and patterns were displacing the dark murky ground. And every single pattern was influenced by the world around. The psychedelic experience didn't just invent visuals.

_It transforms the world as a mirror image for the structure of your mind._

Sight felt special, sound felt special and the touch between indescribable.

"I would never have guessed this was possible. To experience something more than regular reality. To connect to-"

"Something primal? To connect to God?" _Whatever that means to you._

Contemplatively, Draco was admiring the view around him. "Yes. Whatever this is. It is my consciousness. I am transferring my consciousness into a dimension where it has never been before. I see now, Ginny, I see so many things. How much of what we consider important is insignificant."

Having a better grip on the trip, she joked. "Am I, one of the pieces, that is insignificant?"

Too lost in his Firewhiskey, ergotamine, ayahuasca experience Draco could only croak out the words. "Ginny... you are everything."

"Oh, really?" Her intoxicated thoughts turning into words against her own will.

In that state of psychedelia, she just wanted to be with Draco. To share this amazing moment with him. _To be one with the universe. To be the universe itself._


	12. The Ritual 6

_What is it about this place?_ Ginny lamented to herself, as she tried her best to shield her eyes from the early morning sun. She failed to arrive at any geographical explanation. Instead the redhead slid down even further against the stone wall behind her. Now blocking the sun with the tree line of the Forbidden Forest.

"Last time we met you pulled a fast one on me." Blaise said lazily. He was standing opposite to her and was observing her maneuvers. "You're such a nasty girl."

"Oii! You're grumpy today Blaise!" She tried for a laugh, but predictably, yawned at the boy.

"Up to no good for another night?"

She sighed. "You could say so. No offerings today?"

Zabini did not respond. Instead he turned away from her, observing the path to their spot.

She needed to begin work on her potions as soon as possible. The only option was to get the ingredients. Draco had failed her last night by bringing only half. _And I will put Anne back to work. Supervised._

"You always this early?" She teased. "The lack of your nicotine fix keeping you up?"

_Aren't I a hypocrite? Glad he doesn't know. He would bury me._

"Perhaps... want another shot?"

Ginny considered repeating her prior actions but decided against it. There was no need to rail him up. "Blaise. You and Draco are close, right?"

Blaise turned to face her, clearly not expecting the question. "Umm… a bit. Why would you ask?"

"Has he told you anything recently about..."

_Me? How he feels about me?_ But asking something like that was too much of a stretch.

"About what?"

"What are his plans are for the year? Anything like that?" Ginny tried to gather information. Had Draco shared anything with his friend? Were they even friends? Blaise was fast to become suspicious, but she did not consider her questions to be dangerous.

He pondered her words as some kind of a bizarre inquiry. "No. I don't think so. He is a very private person."

"Tell me about it." She groaned, letting go of her filter. Even last night. As much as Draco revealed, it seemed he had left just as much unsaid. _Glad I did not have a complete blackout. That would be sad. To lose those memories…_

_I was way too high last night…. said so many stupid stuff… I need to get a grip._

"You like him." Blaise Zabini stated the obvious, while surveying her changing facial expressions.

"Mhmm." Was all Ginny managed, as both of them spotted the person in question. The tall and slender figure of Draco Malfoy heading their way.

_What is he hiding? Who is he deep down?_ She was again in a state of acute sleep deprivation. Her thoughts mirroring this phase of mind.

"Blaise. Weasley." He was curt. _Only the slightest hints of disheveled clothing on him. _

_I can't say that for myself. Look at me! I'm losing control. Ironing charms as soon as I'm out of here! _She felt miserable and alarmed realizing the state of her exterior. She had skipped a visit to a mirror completely. But it did not look like the boys cared. Especially Blaise, who by every passing moment was looking more and more dubious.

Something was not adding up. Blaise was acting out of character. _He is hiding something from us._ The realization hit her hard and quick. Ginny bolted up from her sitting position and waved at Draco. "Malfoy, we must speak in private."

Draco nodded, already reaching for his bag. She tried to stop him, but Draco was not noticing her signs. He took out a small parcel from his bag and gave it to her - all fully in Blaise's sight. Who's exterior had turned from shady to triumphant.

_Something is wrong. Wrong! Draco look at him!_

Perhaps her legilimency tricks did work. The alarm inside her was transferred to Draco, who took a sharp U-turn to look at his fellow Slytherin.

"What do we have here?" Blaise mimicked Snape from last night, triumphantly pointing at the package. "Two prime example rule-breakers."

_Oh, no. No, no, no. _

"What do you mean?" Draco laughed at his supposed friend. "In the abstract?"

_In the abstract? Nice one, Draco. Great people skills._

_Deny._

"No, this time not in the abstract Malfoy." Blaise Zabini was smirking like a wild meerkat. "Weren't you the ones who broke into Snape's office days ago?"

A cold shower of water was dropped on Ginny's head. In her disheveled state, she was failing to respond properly. _He knows. _

Her look of desperation aimed at Draco did not help their cause. _No acting skills will save us here._

"What the fuck are you on about Zabini? Is there something you want to say to us, or have you just come here to bullshit?" Draco was getting angry.

"Blaise, this is stupid! What are you even saying? You know Ron and Harry did that. Even Dumbledore had proof."

"Because you must have planted it." His tone was smug. Irritating both of them with its hubris.

Ginny met Draco's gaze, and at that point they knew the incriminating silence between them had stretched on beyond repair.

"Shut up!"

Zabini gleamed devilishly at Draco. "I will, but only if Ginny kisses me."

"What?"

"WHAT?"

"Take this offer right now, and it's only a kiss." Blaise was exultant. Now walking up and down in his excitement.

"You fucking bullshitter! You just want her to kiss you, don't you?" Draco was enraged. His eyes bloody with fury.

She was speechless. _A kiss? This must be some kind of a sick joke._

"She will not." Draco was furious in his display of utter hatred.

_If this was really only a kiss…._

"Let her respond! You are not her father!" Zabini howled with laughter. His laughter in stark contrast to their deadly humorlessness.

_Instead he is playing a twisted trick. It's just another way for him to embarrass us. Even if it worked, I can't. I can't in front of Draco._

"I will not." She half shouted at Blaise. "You heard him."

"The stakes just got ten feet higher! This is your last chance." Blaise relished in their anger and discomfort. "You have to make out with me Ginny. Right now, right here in front of Draco. Or... I will tell Snape everything!"

_What is going on? This makes no sense. He has gone insane._

"Blaise, why are you doing this? We did not break in there." Ginny was frantic. "Take another cigarette, relax. Let's talk."

But Blaise Zabini was not having it.

"You filthy piece of shit! Zabini, do you understand I will literally kill you! Do you not get that? I am not joking!" Draco was shrieking at him.

Draco's yells were not helping her composure. Ginny's mental state was transforming from desperate to hysterical. The world around her was breaking down. "Why are you doing this? Blaise! Snap out of it!"

Out of caution, the boy had taken several steps back. Draco's body language was howling murder. He took one last surveying look at their distraught faces. "Come up with an offer and meet me here tomorrow. I give you one last chance. Mull it over... what do you have to lose?"

Zabini turned sharply, not willing to hold their intense eye contact any longer. He strode quickly back to the castle, relishing in his triumph.

Ginny bit her lip and sunk to the ground. Now fully supported by the stone wall behind her. She was hysterical and disheveled. Everything had gone horribly wrong. They were now intertwined and twisted with a psychopath.

"What the fuck?" She wanted to bewail the skies for mercy.

"I will deal with him." Draco spoke bitterly. His anger still bubbling up. "Calm down, Weasley. We need to keep a steady head."

"A steady head?" Ginny repeated sarcastically. _And you're the steady one?_

The ritual was months in the making. In just a few days it was about to happen, but now everything could be ruined. Her chance to escape. Her chance to be free. If Snape found out, if he had even the inkling of a suspicion - everything she had planned for was ruined.

She buried her head in her arms. "Draco, we have no leverage. He could blackmail us again and again."

"Please tell me you got a plan. I don't know this boy well enough." Ginny continued to plead. "You have to remedy this."

"Calm down." The anger in his voice was gone. He was trying to be reassuring. To calm the whirlwind of her emotions.

"It is all my fault! We shouldn't have met here. Never in front of him!" Ginny could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Too much had been put on the table. Too many difficult pieces assembled and arranged. "How can it all end here?"

_Will I never get rid of my curse?_

"Ginny! Get yourself together." Draco's voice was stone cold. "This is not going to be your last challenge if you intend to help me. Many more things will go wrong. And it's not about if, but when. It is about how we handle failure, that determines if we succeed."

"I can't…. I know." She felt overwhelmed and sobbed involuntary. Kneeling down in the fetal position, against the stone-cold Hogwarts façade. "It's everything I have been planning for. Everything, Draco. It's all on the line for me! If I fail…"

_I am as good as dead. With a piece of Voldemort's soul ever so slightly taking over who I am. Until at one point there will be no more of me left._

"What about the ritual? Can you make all the necessary potions tonight?"

"Yes, with Anne's help." Ginny sniveled, already hating herself for the miserable display of weakness. _Draco's hates weakness. He loathes me right now._

"Let's go over the worst-case scenario. What was that about the blood sacrifice? I don't think you explained it very well." He spoke evenly.

_It's no use, I have to tell him._

"It's not a blood sacrifice, Draco. As I said before, the horcrux cannot be transferred without an intermediate." She buried her head in her hands, too afraid.

"I need an innocent life. That is the real ritual sacrifice. It doesn't work without it."

In unexpected synchrony they both inhaled and exhaled deeply, she tried to gather her racing thoughts.

Draco had started to pace around. They were not secluded, more Slytherins were poised to arrive any moment.

"You need a muggle sacrifice?"

"A muggle or else." Ginny squirmed beneath his intense gaze. "Better... else. Because as I already told you, the magical capacity of the vessel is critical to contain the horcrux."

Draco rubbed his temple, trying to search for words.

"I was intending on going to Hogsmeade during the next few days... to scout around."

"I understand."

_You understand? That is all you are going to say?_

Ginny nibbled with her fingers absentmindedly. Finally, she had revealed everything. A necessity so dark - it should have shaken even Draco Malfoy.

"You mentioned you were willing to consider joining the other side?" Draco asked nonchalantly. All traces of friendliness and humor gone. "I told you… albeit in considerable drunken stupor… my task, my mission."

She nodded gravely, acutely aware they both were now sober - nothing like last night. The uncomfortable tension between them had suddenly returned, dropping the temperature around them by ten degrees.

"I already told you yesterday and the day before. I plan on returning the diary." Ginny whispered, not wanting to argue or defend herself. She did not like this Draco Malfoy - cold and detached.

_Why can't everything just work out and be simple?_

_Not in this life, not for me._

"You mentioned you were willing to join the other side?" Draco repeated himself. Now more delicately - sensing she was lost in some kind of personal torment.

"Sorry, what happened last night... it's still so much to take in." She paused but considered the question. "Joining the other side?"

"What's your motivation? This is not something to be taken lightly."

"The diary, Draco. How many times do I have to tell you? After the ritual, once Voldemort's soul is back in there. I want safety in return. A guarantee, if you will."

"What about your family?"

"Draco, you should be aware that... in all practical considerations I'm alone. I do not discuss anything of any importance with my family." She was starting to get annoyed, having to explain and defend herself like a child. "Rest assured."

"And the Order of the Phoenix?" He continued.

She couldn't hide her bitterness. "I'm just a lowly housemaid in their headquarters."

"I am not allowed in any meetings. My mother protects me fiercely. I'm as much of an outsider to the Order as one could ever wish to be."

"The Dark Lord." Draco began passionately. "Are you ready to face him?"

"I have carried a piece of Voldemort's soul for years, Draco."

"Inside me."

This fact continued to stun him. He froze for a moment in contemplation.

"I still do this very moment, Draco."

"I expect a reward. And that reward is safety."

His gray eyes continued to bore into her. As if he was trying to assess her every word. Her every intention. To validate his trust.

_Why is he interrogating me like this?_

"Draco, I'm disillusioned with Dumbledore. He did great harm to me. And I have no doubt he is willing to inflict suffering indiscriminately and without remorse. They have disenfranchised me from their inner circle. I will be just a student, stowed away in one of their safe houses."

This appeared to be right track for her. Ginny could feel the words were now flowing freely.

"I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I desperately want to be free from here. I am done with this gilded cage I've been put in."

"But now, you have some explaining to do. Why are you putting me through this?"  
  


"Please, Ginny, what else could add?" Draco was searching for something more. What was it she could not decipher.

She sighed, her annoyance now peaking. "Bellatrix. The private lessons you are receiving. Trust me, I would love to take part in them. And no, I do not want to join the deatheaters. All I want is independence. I want to be safe in this coming war. It's inevitable, isn't it? This war might destroy all of us."

"Yes… thanks for answering my questions. I had to be sure. There is so much at stake for me as well. I will help you with the sacrifice.... and the rest of it."

Ginny did not know what to say. She wanted to be happy and glad about his commitment, but something was not adding up. Draco was hiding something from her. Testing her loyalty to his cause. She suppressed her paranoia. "Thanks Draco, it means a lot to me." _Ritual first, answers later._

"Alright, so what's the plan for acquiring the sacrifice?"

"Umm…" _Just a regular murder-accessory request. No serious business, of course. _She remarked to herself in deadly sarcasm.

"Can we do it tonight?"

"Yes, I will prepare disguises. I know a secret path to Hogsmeade. I'll explain the details when we arrive there."

"Don't worry about it, Weasley. I'll help you sort this out."

"Thanks." She murmured, almost beneath his hearing level. _We are really doing this. We are really about to kill a person. I am! He's just going to help me…. this is so insane._

He stopped suddenly in his tracks. His facial expressions suggesting he was now fully on board, and that the path forward was set. "Alright, we are going to Hogsmeade tonight. Prepare everything for the ritual during the day. It might come down to it."

"To be able to do it tonight?" Ginny asked. "Just in case?"

"Yes. That way, if Blaise reveals anything tomorrow - we are already finished."

Far into the winding pathway, people could be seen coming closer and closer. Ginny stood up, noticing the arrivals, and despite her best restraint, gripped Draco's hand. "We will be fine, won't we?"

"Stay calm." Came back a sharp, rigid reply. "Go back to the castle, get yourself together, and get through the lectures."

Ginny was nodding at his every word.

"Don't think about Zabini. It was my fault, and I can fix it. Get the potions ready!"

Unwillingly, she let go of his hand, and could feel a small push from Draco to get her going. They shared a brief second of intense eye contact before she had to turn away and head back alone.

_How could this happen?_ _I never make mistakes._

_I never get caught._

She wanted to hit herself repeatedly. To cause physical injury to her body. _Where do I start? Calm down. Prepare._

In her racing thoughts, she went through the full list of potions she had to make. _Anne will help me. I just have to get through the lectures. And then meet Draco for the last and final obstacle delaying my salvation._

***

Two tall figures emerged from the Forbidden Forest. They marched through the open grounds, towards the Whomping Willow. Their uncharacteristically heavy clothing blew in the winds. The night had just settled, and their pace was nervous.

"You look just like your father." She remarked. The face and body of Draco Malfoy was placed under several masking charms. A magical disguise. His clothing conjured out of rags.

"I'm glad to say, you look nothing like your mother."

"Oh, my. You're such a charmer."

Draco considered his statement and amended it. "I meant, you look nice."

"Oh… thanks." She blushed. "You don't-

_You don't often say things like that. Or at all, for that matter._

"I don't what?"

"No, nothing. I have to open up the passage." She replied, shooting a hex aimed at the sweet spot on the willow. Sluggishly, the grandiose tree came to a standstill, revealing the passage below.

"This is convenient. A trick from Potter's playbook?" Draco asked, looking proudly at her.

She nodded.

_Lumos!_ They echoed in unison, entering the dark and murky tunnel.

The tunnel seemed ancient. It had caved severely in multiple places. In the months before, she had made several scouting journeys at night. Trying to understand how easy it was to get in, and then back out of the village.

Sometimes, the passage unsettled her. There was something distinctly unromantic about the surrounding air. It was coming from the lake. Magically enclosed just yards above the rough ceiling.

"This is all your world. I understand the masquerade. But what's next?" They had just met by the tree line, and Draco had yet to be let in on the plan.

"I've gone through here multiple times in the past few months. A great place for meditation..." She trailed off. "You will be surprised where this tunnel exits. There is an apparition point on the other side. If we hide there, we will have a great chance of catching somebody unnoticed."

Draco seemed to nod, but in the darkness she was unsure. The light beams cast from their wands were frail and unconvincing. During the day, she had prepared all the necessary potions. Skipping lectures indiscriminately. At this point, no detention assigned mattered. As soon as Anne had arrived, Ginny had put her to work. Just barely making it in time to meet her partner.

"Were you able to make any headway with Zabini?" She almost choked out the question.

"Not yet, he is very determined." Draco was cold and aloof. "Can we do the ritual tonight?"

"We could... but that has to be our last resort. I need to prepare..." _Mentally._ She mumbled her sentences. "Even if we perform it tonight... he will tell afterwards."

"At that point, it would no longer matter, right? Let's hope it doesn't come that."

_I could kiss Blaise. _Ginny thought to herself. In no possible circumstance would she say that aloud. _Since we turned him down, he wants more. If I did it behind Draco's back, it would be no use. Just more ammo for blackmail._ The situation in her mind was hopeless. _I have to trust Draco._

"About last night. My mission. After the ritual, I've decided to let you in." Draco stated aloof.

_To let me in? _But she was too afraid to ask questions. There was time for inquiry and time for silence. _At least he'll share it. And at worst…. tonight. I can't believe the ritual could be so soon. I can't believe that…._

She concentrated to the task at hand. The task of casting the final unforgivable. To cross that line. The line dictating right from wrong. _But is there another way?_

_But what right do I have to take another life? Me, banding together with a deatheater to accomplish it._ _Stop it! I must. It's my only chance. I'm not… I'm not a bad person because of this. I'm not._

She kept repeating that last sentence in her mind. To distance herself from the intense feeling of creeping derealization. Her mind dissociated on numerous sleeping draughts. To not feel the pain, to not feel regret. _To not feel anything, really. To kill a person in cold blood, just because there is no other way._

Leisurely, as the recently taken potions kicked in harder and harder, she could feel herself levitating. The dissociatives placing her in front and above her own body. Her emotional word left behind in ruin and misery. A surreal experience of pure evil. Paranoia.

_I must._

Several minutes had passed in absolute silence. The tunnel was widening.

"We're almost here." She announced, as the tunnel started to head upwards.

"And where is that?" Draco replied with a laugh. A laugh that unsettled her out of her fragile equilibrium.

"The Shrieking Shack."

"Interesting. I was always curious about that place."

"Yeah, there is a story behind the tunnel and how it was created."

"I'm sure there is. In Hogwarts, there has to be a story even about the first-floor bathroom."

"Where Myrtle lives?" Ginny chuckled. "You'll really want to hear that one."

Draco groaned, and extinguished his wand. Their walk came to an abrupt halt in the darkness. The only small streams of light coming from the bolted-up windows. Dissociative paranoia was overwhelming the Gryffindor. She felt tiny shreds of fear seizing her.

"Scary!" She whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"Don’t." Ginny was annoyed at the boy. "Talk that loud."

Even in the darkness, she could tell Draco rolled his eyes, and headed up the miniature stairs. Through the hall and towards the exit. "Should I blast these open?"

Coming behind him, Ginny's thoughts had trailed off and she was not paying attention to Draco. Instead mesmerized by the darkness and pure evil of this rugged interior.

"What? No. There is a hole."

"Oh."

They exited the shack hastily. The dry November air of Hogsmeade greeting them. A sharp contrast from the moisty interior of the tunnel. Distantly, she could see lights coming from the small village. "We're here Draco. We are about to do this."

_I can't believe it. I can't believe he is willing to help me._

"Draco." She tried to resist clutching him. "Will you able?"

Not expecting the question, the boy turned to look at her. "I'm one of the deatheaters, remember? Branded by the dark mark. Right now, on a mission from the Dark Lord. To help you, is to help my master."

_Draco…_

He looked away and asked coldly. "What about you?"

_No, Draco. I am not..._

"Yes." She squeaked out a reply. It echoed in the winds unconvincingly.

"Let's do this." She reaffirmed. "Of course, I can do this. This is for me."

He had turned back to look at her, and she could swear he looked glad.

"Sometimes... I totally forget you're a deatheater." She joked, trying to gather back her good spirits.

"Well, I don't. So-"

"Where is the spot?" She interjected. "This is quite a large field. Only some shrubbery to the side. Right in front of you the apparition wards begin."

The field seemed to stretch on indefinitely. The first houses of Hogsmeade were too far away, and they had to rely solely on the moon for illumination.

"Let's go closer to the tree line. There are more bushes there to hide behind…. this place is so weirdly coincidental."

"What do you mean?"

"The shack is so close to the apparition point."

Draco kept silent, perhaps mulling over the possibility of a connection. They both advanced towards the trees and stopped by an expansive shrub covering both of them, but still too bare to see through.

Despite the darkness, they had a good outlook on the meadow. A desire path was barely visible, running from the center of the apparition point back to Hogsmeade. It was a bitter autumn night, but without any winds to intensify the chilliness. Occasionally, Ginny took a sideways glance at Draco, pondering what was on his mind. _He is so determined. _He had acted cold and aloof all evening. _Is the pressure getting to him?_

She considered how much of an effort it had taken her, to get him to help her the first time. Now he was offering a hand. Their midnight chats had helped tremendously in bonding them.

She was realizing how close they had become. How much had Draco entrusted in her. _We're almost... together. At least friends. I can't believe this is just hitting me._

It was a game of cat and mouse. The idea was straightforward. They needed to capture someone. Tie them up and perform the sacrifice. The most bizarre act of her life. But everything in life was bizarre. _Why is there something rather than nothing? Is our universe real or just a simulation? Do we have free will?_

Those were all questions that kept popping in her mind. A remedy for her broken soul, about to commit murder. But she was already too far gone in her intoxicated bliss. In many respects unaware of the deep struggles of her own subconscious.

The pressure was rising. _Will my stunning charm work? In this state I'm in right now?_

_I don't know._

Dozens of minutes passed in a tense lull. She barely suppressed her yawns.

A loud crack.

Footsteps echoing far afield.


	13. The Ritual 7

"You go talk!" She ordered rapidly. “I will approach from the back.”

They had to be organized for this to have any chance in hell.

Draco started to advance, while she took the long route around. Her noiseless jogging taking her closer and closer to their prey.

It was better Draco approached the man. He looked much older, not reminding a Hogwarts student. _More plausible deniability._

_It's a man. _She could now see her target clearly, just mere yards separating them. _What if I miss?_

He had stopped in his tracks and she prayed he had not drawn his wand. Draco had approached him, and she could distinctly hear his voice.

"Excuse me!"

She was too nervous and jittery to pay attention to the exchange between the two men. Creeping sideways and calculating her every move, she positioned herself for the element of surprise.

Ginny could now see his back. An oddly accented dark robe.

She drew out her wand.

Adrenaline coursed through her.

There was no hesitation, but only suppressed rage as she bellowed. _Stupefy!_

Blinding green light.

In that instant she could hear another yell. Another green light.

Now towards her. Missing her by the brim.

A loud groan. One of the men was down, but the other remained standing vigilant.

_Did I hit Draco? What is happening?_

She had no other chance. Briskly she ran towards the man. "Draco!"

"Draco, is that you?"

"Yes." Responded a much more subdued voice, than she had anticipated.

"Is everything fine?" She asked, biting her nails against her will.

"If you meant 'did we got him'?" Draco replied eerily. "The answer is affirmative."

_Something is wrong here._

Despite her heightened paranoia, she exhaled sharply in relief. "That was close. I swear, I saw another stupefy heading my way. What happened?"

"That was my curse. I had to make sure. Two spells are more powerful than one. Especially for this lad. Look at his robes! This guy is not some random tourist. Ginny… we must leave as soon as we can. We can't stay here."

"What do you mean?" She asked in pure terror.

"Don't speak that loud! Something is going on here, something we don't know about." His tone carried no emotions. Draco Malfoy was at the height of concentration. Detached and indifferent. His protection mechanism against stress. "Let's go!"

_Oh. My. God. What have we gotten ourselves into? Maybe just… leave the body, abandon the plan and let me…. let me die…. or…._

She felt dizzy and nauseous. _I can't think straight. I'm confused. This is too much. This is insane!_

Ghastly thoughts kept hunting her, emerging from the most suppressed parts of her subconscious. "What are we doing, Draco?"

He grinned. And something about his grin disturbed her. _He is a deatheater. A follower of Lord Voldemort. My friend, Draco Malfoy, is a deatheater. He is used to this. He is… a monster. No… I…._

Not letting go of his grin, he continued. "What do you mean?"

She felt confused and scared. _I don't think I can do this._

His tone was ironic. "Why are we here preparing to murder someone?"

"Don't say it aloud!" She murmured.

_I need to take more sleeping draughts. I can't handle this. I'm freaking out. Making mistakes. Making bad decisions. Saying stupid shit in front of him._

_I hate myself so much right now. I'm so weak, so arrogant._

"Why not say it aloud?" Draco was now mocking her. "It's true."

_Levioso!_ He placed the levitation charm on the limp body, raising it slightly off the ground. His pace was fierce. Without any fanfare, he began a brisk walk back towards the Shrieking Shack. With the stunned man in tow.

She did not follow him right away. Instead, Ginny Weasley turned back at the meadow and the night sky. Millions or billions of stars in the universe. Stretching out into eternity. Expanding faster than the speed of light. Without any purpose or direction. _Is this the point of no return? Will I remember this moment in Azkaban for the rest of my life? Or is this a new beginning?_

Taking a deep breath was not enough. She clutched her hands into tight fists. A sudden numbness had encompassed her. The wind had picked up, and she felt her body instinctively starting to stiffen.

Finally, making up her mind, she headed back resolutely towards the Shrieking Shack. As she entered, everything submerged into pitch darkness. Draco had already been there for several minutes. She could not see anything or anyone. _Where is he?_

"Draco?"

No reply came. The pause lasting for seconds too long.

A sudden flash of light. Blinding her. Ginny closed her eyes and stepped back aggressively. "Draco?"

"Sorry about that." She could hear his apologetic tone. "I didn't mean to cast in your eyes."

Relief poured over her. _I'm safe. Or… at least not alone. Something just clicks in my mind, and I go crazy with fear._

"This place does seem haunted." He remarked conversationally, perhaps trying to lighten the mood. "Your voice sounded strange in this darkness. I couldn't tell for a moment if it was you."

"Haunted?" She considered the proposition and looked around. After noticing old pieces of wood, she levitated them in a tiny bundle, and whispered the appropriate incantation. _Incendio!_

"Lumos is so dreary and pale. A small fire is much cozier..."

The pale boy nodded and asked solemnly. "Are you having second thoughts?"

She hesitated, but Draco was curt - cutting her off. "I will talk now. Listen."

"You hesitated out there. You are struggling, I can see that!"

_What kind of an agenda is this?_

"You need this. The ritual. Will you be free from the Dark Lord, once this is over?"

Obeying Draco's orders to listen she nodded, smiling weakly.

"Then we must carry on. You can't stop right now. It's too late into the game. The curtain's closing, Weasley." He added melodramatically.

"I will do it."

It took Ginny time to grasp what was on his mind. Draco had already raised his wand. There was hesitation in his movements, and she felt confused.

The moment, she finally comprehended, what he was about to do - it was too late to scream out. "Draco, wait-"

That was his cue. _Avada Kedavra!_

His voice was grave and powerful, the charm shooting out without hesitation. Then darkness.

Somehow the killing curse had managed to dispel the fire Ginny had started. Or perhaps, it was her own mind extinguishing the charm in fear.

Nothing moved, the rattling noises intermittently heard in the house were gone. No doubt, sensing immediate death. She again felt disassociated. The sense of creeping derealization. _The world is not real._ She was outside her own head, outside her own body. There was a tunnel beneath, and she sank deeper and deeper backwards into nothingness.

No words could describe the feelings she wanted to convey. So instead, she could feel her conscious mind blacking out. Aborting the current path of any thoughts and going elsewhere - back into normalcy, back into safety. "The fire."

"What about it?"

His voice chilled her with its lack of empathy.

"Could you light it?" Ginny mumbled. _I'm so overwhelmed._

_Incendio!_

Their faces lit up. Their fiery features familiar since stone age. "Draco?"

He did not respond.

Her voice was dry. "I needed him alive."

There was a long pause. Draco's frown deepening. She kept her eyes to the ground.

"So, I killed him for nothing?"

As she looked up, Draco was smirking.

"Yes!" She burst into laughter. The suspense had been too much. She felt awful for laughing about it.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" He laughed back. "Why didn't you say so?'

"You cut me off!"

He sighed. "So, does that mean?"

"Yes." She said somewhat more relaxed, now just letting go of any morality. Committing to what had to be done.

"We need another one."

"Fucking fantastic." Draco lamented. "I mean… this is awful. Surreal. What are we doing here even?"

"Tell me about it." She sighed. "Pure insanity."

"And sick. We were laughing for fuck's sake." He added with a grin.

She could feel newfound warmness rising in her. All directed towards the boy opposite to the bonfire. _I trust him. I’m not afraid. He would not betray me or run away. He is here to stay._

Perhaps she only imagined it, but Draco was feeling the same. He approached her tentatively. "I know this is completely sick, but-

Ginny was stopped mid-thought. Draco's lips were closing in without warning. They met, and she let go. Transferring her actions to the subconscious, she embraced him. She could feel his tongue. His saliva. His strong shoulders.

There was desperation in her kiss. In surreal dissolution her mind still lingered back to reality. _We are kissing in the presence of a dead body. _

She held on to him, feeling his hands going lower and lower. Him moving down from her waist to her butt. Their mouths had parted, his tongue on her neck.

She felt sleepy and content. Having gone through an emotional experience, he soothed her. Images of him casting the killing curse invaded her mind. Herself casting the stunning charm. Draco made her forget everything. She was in an alternate universe, wholesomely gone and happy.

A loud crack tore them apart.

"What was that?" The edge in her voice was mirrored in her emotions.

_Illumio Nox!_ She dispelled the fire.

"I don't know. Why did you do that?"

"The light from the fire could be seen from outside."

They continued to listen, but no more sudden noises came. The roof was creaking in the wind. It annoyed her. Something akin to footsteps echoed in the walls.

"It's just our imagination." She said, trying to reassure both of them. "We're alone."

She desperately wanted to be back where she had been moments ago. Not waiting again, outside, in the cold. Not risking her life. _I can't take it. I'm no Harry Potter. The selfless… _

She moved forward in the darkness until she could feel Draco again. She embraced him forcefully. Her kisses sent in a mad frenzy. To be back in that moment. To feel safe again. Her hands subconsciously moving lower and lower until she was reaching for Draco's crotch. Somewhere between his legs. _Oh, I…_

"Ginny?" His tone was uncertain.

"No. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to be here. I don't…"

_I don't want to be hunted by Voldemort._

Her raising hysteria was stopped abruptly. Her hand clenched before it could move downwards again.

"Calm down. You are not here alone… we'll manage."

She lowered her head on his shoulder. Silently, Draco relit the flame, and placed both of their hands on her hips. "I don't think it can be seen from outside."

Just ahead of her was a dead body. Apathetic horror ran through her mind as she laid against Draco, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I think he moved just before you shot the curse..." She tried to formulate a question.

"Yes. That was my cue. No idea what happened. Could the stunning charm be broken so hastily?"

_No._

She nodded against his shoulder. "I think I released both of the charms subconsciously at the same time. I'm sorry." _I tried to stop you._

_What if the killing curse had failed? If the guy had lunged at me?_ She cursed herself, going over the alternatives.

"Stay calm." Feeling her restlessness, he reiterated. "We have to move on."

She didn't want to let go, but she knew she must. To be thrown again into the wild. In danger and fear. "I don't want to wait in the field again - that's too much."

"Mmm." There was tentative agreement.

Belatedly, she let go, and walked up to the dead body. Turning towards his pockets. Wearily picking up and depositing his possessions in a pile.

"Stealing from the dead?" Draco joked bitingly.

"No." She laughed back. "I just want to know… what kind of a guy he was."

"Don't." Draco was angry at her. "Don't. He was just some random guy. An unlucky victim. Do not go through his stuff trying to build up a personality…"

"I won't." She lied. "I didn't mean it like that at all. I don't care."

Something unexpected captured her interest. "Look at this!"

It was a large ornamented scroll. He approached and took it.

"This is a ministry document."

"An... an arrest order."

"What?"

"What else does he have in his pockets?" He gestured for her to continue.

She continued to ransack the corpse, stockpiling items on the dirty floor. The man was dressed formally and had a variety of scrolls with him. She could not understand the texts as they were full of legal gibberish. “That’s about it. Here is his identification. The body is already cold.”

"He was a ministry official." Draco declared, his gray eyes, turned into sharp needles.

It was not clear if it helped or worsened the situation. "And the ID card? The arrest orders?"

Draco continued to gaze into the documents. "He was an auror."

They had brought down an auror. She could not decide to feel relieved or scared. They had come too close to failure. _What if we had made a mistake? We would be sent to Azkaban._

_Charged with attempted murder._

Draco shrugged at her fearful facial expressions and paced around the narrow hall.

She tried to make sense of the situation. _What does this mean? What do I have to consider?_ _How do I get out of this alive?_

"What does the order say explicitly?" She prodded.

"It's an arrest warrant for someone in the village. One Aldous Huxley."

She felt herself rubbing her own forehead furiously. Trying to figure out a way out of this mess. "We could use this… Draco!"

"What do you mean?"

Gears were turning rapidly in her head. A plan was coming together. "The auror was chasing him. His target. We could bring him in!"

He was not convinced. "And when both of them disappear…."

"A fight could have broken out!" Ginny half-yelled. "The target taking out the auror and disappearing from sight!"

"Perhaps destroying the body?"

She nodded. Her enthusiasm slightly faltering. _Risky! Very risky! This could go horribly wrong. At least we won't be in the field again._

"Alright. Let's go." His tone was encouraging.

"Wait!" Something had hit her. "I got an idea. You need to look like an auror!"

"What about the ID card?"

Ginny took it from him and pulled out her wand. "I will try to make it look like you."

He was hesitant and uncertain but let her do the work. She glared at the photo, bashfully trying not to stare at Draco undressing. He was begrudgingly exchanging his clothes for the auror's. "I don't know of any exact charm to change wizarding photos. I could try freezing it."

She silently whispered the incantation, and the moving man in the picture froze. "I can now use a coloring charm. Not sure what will happen once I unfreeze it… do you think it would look weird if it was static?"

It was a stupid question. All pictures in the wizarding world moved. "He has much darker hair, so I will try to pale it."

_Alebnius Pigmentum!_

"Did it work?" Came a grunt from Draco.

"Somewhat. Everything grew pale. Wait! I'll manage." She said hurriedly, trying to think of some other charm. Giving up, she put her hand on the photo, covering large parts of it. This way she selectively erased pieces of the photo. After successfully dulling the color of the hair, she tried to chisel down the jaw line.

Intermittently glancing at Draco for reference, she worked for several minutes. Her hands were smeared - as if children had played on her with crayons. He had finished exchanging his clothes. "Come, take a look!"

He grimaced at the photo. But after their eyes met, he smiled. "That is better."

"Yeah… I know it doesn't look spectacular." She returned the smile a tad ashamed. "But I think we'll be fine."

The enormity of what they were about to do washed over her as she handed him the document. "How do we go about this? Are there any contact details in there?"

"Yes. There is a street name, and a house number. The name of the individual. This is an official arrest warrant."

"Fantastic!" She tried to cheer herself up. "I suppose, you will have to enter the house alone."

"Yes, I was thinking about that while you worked. You will have to wait outside." He explained. "Once I take him in, we have to stun him from two places at once."

_Calm down._ She tried to stop herself from pacing around the room. _Internalize the plan. I can do this!_

"How do I look?

She ogled him from top to bottom. "Just like a real auror."

They dispelled the fire and set out to inner Hogsmeade. Ginny shadowing Draco a few feet behind. He had set a convincing pace, and she wanted for him to be seen alone. An hour or so had passed since they had exited Hogwarts. It was now far into the night.

She looked down at her steps. Anything could wake villagers at this late hour. The half-full moon barely illuminated the ground around them. Draco stopped and scratched his head several times. Keenly peering around, trying to understand where they were.

The pavement was murky and unkept. It was a struggle to spot the potholes. No words were spoken as they entered the densely populated village center. Lanterns interspersed on both sides with fiery cauldrons. They moved through the houses for several minutes until Draco stopped.

"I'll stay here. You go ahead. I'll keep watch on the windows."

The boy shook his head and pointed afar. "That is the house. We’re lucky it's segregated. Don’t have to worry about the noise."

The house Draco was pointing at was a single floor dwelling with a tiled roof. Only a grassy meadow stretched beyond it. While the disguised auror headed straight for the entrance, she hid herself in the nearby shrubbery. _I can't see from here!_

Unsettled by the creaking gates, she moved closer. A few tree trunks shielding her on the other side of the fence.

_What could this arrest order be about?_ Her mind was on edge. _A minor theft? Murder? _

_No, they would have sent more men._

The winds disappeared, letting them marvel in the perfect midnight silence. As she listened further in, she could still hear a distant pub. Drunks yelling out indiscernible curse words.

There were three loud knocks.

_Concentrate!_

No response. Three more knocks. Draco's hand had not left the doors as they bolted open.

_Stay calm! _Her heart was racing.

She was too far away to hear their exchange. This was an oversight. She had no idea what was going on. All she could tell was that the two men were talking. Draco, showing various parchments to the man in the doorway. Even squinting her eyes did not help. It was clear the man was well built and not elderly.

Their conversation stretched on and on. Much longer than she anticipated. Finally, a yell. "I WILL NOT GO!"

_Oh, no._

"YOU MUST COOPERATE! WE WILL COME DOWN WITH MORE MEN IF NECESSARY!"

A clenched fist shot up. But he seemed to give up. Turned, and shut the doors behind him. Draco did not turn to give her a reassuring glance.

_What could he be in for? Packing his stuff? For Azkaban?_ She pondered in the uncomfortable cold. Her knees dug into the half-frozen ground.

This time the Slytherin did not knock. He entered the house without permission and closed the doors behind him.

Many minutes passed. She thought she could hear voices. _Are the men yelling inside? Please come out._ All she could consider was the absurdity of the plan.

Belatedly, the doors banged open. This time their target heading her way. Draco in his tracks. Ginny so enamored in the sight, she almost missed them exiting the front gates.

_Act!_

She braced herself, waiting for the man to come into view.

At long last she could see in detail his harrowed face. A fast inhale.

_Stupefy! _She cried out.

Blazing green light shot out of her wand. But before it could reach, the man had already turned. He was running, and she could not keep up with what was happening in the darkness.

Another green light. A different shade. More deadly. She ducked, just barely evading the beam. Draco Malfoy bellowing charms left and right.

_Get up! Move! _She forced herself up from the frozen ground. _Stupefy!_

The charm landed unexpectedly. The man stopped dead in his tracks and fell badly on his shoulder.

"Did we get him? Oh god... he's bleeding horribly."

"He'll be fine." Draco's voice was dark. "Let's go!"

"Do you know the tourniquet charm?"

"Someone could be looking." He hushed her. "Stay silent!"

The man's body was up in the air before she could gather her thoughts. Draco did not wait on her. He began a rapid stride back, with the dazed man in tow. She hurried behind him to keep up. "How did it go?"

He was grim. "I will tell you once we are safe."

"I couldn't get him with the first one." She couldn't help herself. "He evaded it!"

"He knew what he was doing."

"But we got him!"

As Draco did not respond, she knew something was wrong. She had not heard any of their conversation. _What could this be about?_

"What did you talk about, Draco?"

"I will tell you once we are inside. We are already talking too loudly." He was firm. "I think he assumed you were dead."

She gulped. They marched back through a large grassy plane, completely evading the village center. She tried to inhale and exhale. Anything to slow down her heartrate. They were now away from nearby buildings. Draco led them. She was surprised he knew the grounds so well.

"Take his legs. It's gonna be heavy." He ordered by the shack entrance. "I can't levitate him in."

Together they carried the body inside, and she reignited the left-behind fire. _Incendio!_

"So, what happened? You were inside for so long. Did he get suspicious?"

She waited patiently as he sat down on a half-broken chair. Keeping his eyes restlessly on the two bodies. One dead, and one still alive. "I think I broke Ministry protocol. Not sure what exactly. The picture in the ID card did not help."

"Sorry." She mumbled.

"I think he would have given us a fight regardless. When we headed out, I knew it won't go as planned." He was weary and did not look at her. "We shouldn't have done it that way…"

She inclined her head and put a hand on his shoulder. "But we did it."

Her smile was not returned. "Any ideas on how we will transport the body inside?"

Dust particles littered the air as Draco rose up from the half-broken chair. He started another circle around the room, keeping a careful look on doors and windows

"You have the potions prepared?"

"Yes." She affirmed. "The diary as well."

He was now looking at her directly, trying to pry into her soul, pondering their next move. "It would be much easier if we did the ritual tonight."

_Tonight? _

_I'm not ready!_

She was shocked. _How do I tell him I'm not ready?_

It broke her heart to look away. "In theory, it's all laid out, but I think I need more time to prepare… mentally. To learn… parts of the ritual. To study the steps."

She turned away from him. "Why do you think we should do it tonight?"

He continued to pace and did not engage. She ignored the half-broken chair and sat in a cross-legged position on the dirty ground. _I look so shoddy sitting like this, if somebody would enter…_

_But who would enter right now? Professor Snape? Albus Dumbledore? Harry Potter? The ministry law enforcement division? _She shuddered at every one of those.

Early on, Remus had told her about the Manicheans. They were strict dualists. Believing only in good and evil. Every moral choice involved a clear distinction between doing something beneficial or base. Thus, the adjective Manichean was born. _What a stupid religion! How was anything I did today a clear choice between good and evil? I'm saving myself. How does anyone have the right to deny me that?_

Thoughts of her family reemerged in her mind. Disturbing and dark. She wanted to squash them away. "Where do we keep the stunned man? We can't just bring him into the castle."

"Even if we brought him into the castle. With him half-alive for several days, the stunning charm would fade."

_No, that's insane._

"What if we just left them here?" She asked. "Tie them up. Drug him."

Her partner in crime was skeptical. "They might look here."

"And not in the castle?" She jabbed back.

"Why would they look in the castle?" Now it was Draco's turn to jab.

_So confusing._ It was becoming more apparent she had not thought this out.

"Alright." He kneeled beside her. "Let's leave him, if that's what you think is right."

It was not hard to tell Draco was against the idea. "Let's tie them up. Then go from there. You have both wands?"

An affirmative grunt.

"Do you know the charm?" She asked, wanting to leave as soon as possible. "I don't know the charm."

To her surprise Draco handed her the half-broken chair. "Transfigure it?"

Her first attempt made the chair sunk into large wooden lumps. _That won't do. I'm too tired. _She tried again, and this time the wooden pieces stretched out, and twisted into tight ropes. Rigorously, she encircled the two men Draco had adjusted to sit side by side. After extending the just conjured rope, she made sure it was tight.

Assessing the situation, Draco stopped pacing and appeared reassured. Ginny searched for something to say, but nothing appropriate came to her mind. She was stressed. They had to move.

Shoulder to shoulder they entered the tunnel. It was a long, difficult to maneuver pathway. Thoughts raced in both of their minds. Draco walked fast, leading the way. Ginny fiddled with her fingers. _What is it? _Something had unsettled her. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about the two men. About the deadly curse Draco had cast. About how she was almost killed today. _If only that monster would have landed that killing curse on me…_

She felt paralyzing fear every moment she let herself. Fear of something going wrong. Her mind trying to keep track of everything. But she knew she had missed something. _They will send a whole auror department down here. They will find something._

_Evanesco!_ Ginny mimicked Draco in vanishing her disguise as they approached the path to the castle. When she first noticed the glitter - she thought she was delirious. Something white and pristine had reflected from the moon. Mere yards away from them.

As the glitter showed itself again, she finally prodded Draco. "Did you saw that?"

He nodded mutely but didn't ease the pace.

Wearily, they entered the main path back to the castle. Only a single turn ahead. "I think I saw someone." She elbowed her partner, motioning for him to stop.

_Luna?_


	14. The Ritual 8

They were on a paved pathway that was minutes away from the castle. The glitter had come from a connected desire path. Ginny touched Draco's hand softly. "Stop."

No longer being able to contain herself, she pulled out her wand. Draco frowned at her furiously. Whoever was there - any conflict would make it worse. Together, hand in hand, they observed as a petite blonde with dreamy glasses approached them.

_Luna!_ Ginny screamed internally. _What is going on? Right here? _Paranoid thoughts flooded her mind. _Was she following us? Does she know? Is she about to…_

"Oh... Hello, Ginny." Luna seemed sad, disconcerted. "Malfoy. I see you are…. together, in the night. A nice evening?"

Draco stepped back and gave a tiny nod, whilst Ginny stood silent and shellshocked.

"I was out for a walk. Couldn't go to bed, Ginny…. I actually wanted to speak to you. Maybe tomorrow."

"Yeah…" Ginny tried to gather her footing. Visions of a dead body surfaced in her mind. Another man tied up. _We're in such deep shit._

"What did you want?" She blurted out, before she could stop herself. _Let her go to sleep! Don't egg her on!_

"Oh, I…" There was discernable heartbreak in Luna's face. Ginny could tell something was wrong. The dreamy blonde took another glance at Draco.

He was good at reading the cue. "Do you want me to leave you two alone?"

"No." Luna seemed to make up her mind.

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked her friend.

"I was in the common room." Luna said looking away, her voice soft.

"What?" _What common room? _Ginny's mind raced. _With Dean?_ _Oh, no._

"And what was there?" She asked unconvincingly, not wanting to give up her hopes.

As Luna Lovegood turned, a certain look was etched on her face. '_Don't play me for a fool!'_

Ginny recoiled. "You saw me?"

Draco's look was intense, his worried glance darting from one girl to another.

"Yeah, I saw you curse Dean…. Ginny, you could have told him not to." She pleaded miserably. "But you must've cast an unforgivable…. the Imperius curse. My mother, she… before she passed…"

"What about your mother?"

"During the war, when she was still alive, my mother was tortured using the Imperius. She was raped."

Ginny had to look down and take a deep breath. _What can I possibly say? I … let my guard down. I let my friend down._

"Luna, I'm so sorry." She pleaded. "I didn't know."

"It's not about me." Luna replied, still not looking her friend's way. "Why did you do this? Is he making you?”

Draco, who had already taken several steps back, stated firmly. "I have nothing to do with this."

Luna did not seem to care about his response, she finally turned to face her friend.

"I... I made a mistake, Luna. I will apologize to Dean. That was stupid…" She could not decide if she felt real guilt or just thought she did. _I'm confused._

_Just days ago, I said she was like a sister to me. Oh, Luna._ Ginny rushed forwards to hug her friend. The Ravenclaw not resisting. Her frail body in Ginny's hands. A stark contrast from Draco's broad shoulders. A slender, tiny waist. Luna was freezing in the November air.

"Why haven’t you put a warming charm on yourself?" She asked, still hugging her friend.

"I don't know." Luna whispered back in Ginny's hair.

"I'm sorry." Ginny repeated, not wanting to let her go. Luna did not protest, instead she rested her head. No doubt exhausted and cold from a very long walk. A magnificent mix of perfume coming from the blonde.

_I just killed a person. No. Draco did it. But I'm just about to._

_I cast an unforgivable. But here I am, completely miserable, hating myself for hurting my friend. How come I feel as if I've let myself down?_

It surprised both of the girls that none of the two wanted to let go. There was something in the air that night. _Is this our loneliness? Our fear of being alone?_ Doubt about the other, doubt about oneself. A desperate grasp to regain certainty.

They separated abruptly. Luna brushed off tiny tree figments from her clothes.

_Praecalfactus! _Ginny whispered the heating charm and took a look around for any bystanders. No one except Draco. Now almost out of earshot.

Moments passed in silence until Luna spoke again.

"That made me think all sorts of things Ginny … I started to go over recent events. What happened to Harry and Ron…" Luna trailed off, trying to gather her thoughts.

_Oh, no…_

"I saw Draco a few nights ago, going to the woods…"

_Draco said he saw someone that night._

"At the DA meeting, Ginny that fire…"

_She was looking at me weirdly._

"Dumbledore had proof, Luna." She reassured her. "Trust me. Everything's alright. You don't have to worry about those things. You are my friend and I… I love you."

"I …" Luna trailed of uncertainly.

It hurt Ginny to lie. She did not want to hear a reassurance of love back. She wanted to be out of this situation. To be away. To become a domesticated animal. With no emotions attached, with no personality. Only instinct.

"Let's meet here, tomorrow morning. Let's talk it out like friends. No more for tonight!" Ginny requested pleasantly. "Are you alright with that?"

Luna nodded. "So, let's get back to the castle?"

Ginny took a look at Draco. "Could you give us a moment?"

"No, I'll go alone. It's your evening. Have fun. I'm sorry, that I ruined it for you." The blonde had already turned, and before Ginny could stop her, she had started to walk back.

Draco approached and both of them peered into the distance. In complete silence they watched as her friend entered the castle and disappeared from sight.

The grounds around Hogwarts were well kept. Despite Hagrid slacking off here and there it was a wholesome sight. Shrubbery trimmed to a perfect height using spells. Pavement bricks all of equal size and shape. It always felt different to be outdoors.

Inside the castle. Inside every room one was isolated. No longer within nature. As if the mere fact of locking one's doors and closing windows could do that. _Every single one of us, in all times, are outside. There is no such thing as indoors._

_We are hurtling through space on a rock, in a complete void._

"Weasley!" Draco broke her reverie.

She did not want to speak to him.

"Weasley! Don't quit on me."

"What?" She bit back rudely. "I… " _Let me have my moment!_

She sighed in frustration. "Blaise, and now Luna. We have to meet both of them tomorrow morning."

"That is correct." Draco’s reply added to her irritation.

"We have to do the ritual tonight."

"I will take the body up to the fifth floor. You go after the potions and the diary." His tone was defiant and commanding.

_Snap out of it! _

_He's right._

"Go! I'll go back to the tunnel. Let's meet there."

_I hope he doesn't get caught transporting a stunned man inside the castle._

***

Maneuvering the castle floors after curfew again. It started to feel normal. If Filch came at her right this moment, she would not care. _I would send a stunning charm to his head._

Her bag was full of deadly books and steamy concoctions. She had entered the common room on pins and needles. Before her, a single staircase remained until the fifth floor. No one was there. The corridor directly in front of the Room of Requirements empty. _My ritual grounds._ She had half-hoped Draco would be ahead of her, but he wasn't. _What now? Could he be hiding?_

But nothing was around except a boy's bathroom. _He could’ve stored the body there._

Opening the doors, she winced at the putrid smell.

The room was empty. _Draco, please, where are you?_

The sight disappointing. All of the stalls closed. _Perhaps, he's in there?_

It was stupid to stand still. She approached the first stall and pushed it open. Empty again. As she put the hand on the second stall, she hesitated. _What if he's in there?_ Her mind in a state of mania.

_He could come at me with full force. He would suspect I would not come in. An unconscious Hogsmeade villager, rested against a toilet seat._

She stepped back, considering her options. They had not agreed upon anything. She knew she could not call his name or call her own name either. This was a repeat of the same error. _We need some kind of a signal._

_Footsteps._ Somebody was outside. Ginny slid into the first stall.

The doors banged open. _Is it a man?_

Something heavy landed on the ground._ The body?_

She pulled out her wand and waited. The footsteps had stopped.

It could be anybody. _Filch, Snape, Dumbledore…._

Heightening her hearing did not work. It was obvious that her opponent was located on the other side of her stall. Just a tiny wooden door separating them.

Nothing happened, and she could feel her impatience growing. _Perhaps, he left?_

_No, it couldn't be. He is waiting for me to make a mistake. He? Or… maybe Luna?_

_No… not Luna again._

Sound of running water. Foreign shallow breathing.

It scared her. Closer. Now just inches away from her head. Someone on the other side of the stall.

She hit the stall door with her leg violently.

The doors were blocked. Someone was blocking the doors from the other side to prevent them from bustling open.

_Reduct-_ She cut herself off at the sight of Draco's face.

"You scared me to death!" She exhaled violently, her heart racing. The Slytherin's illuminated wand in her face.

She felt blinding darkness as Draco removed his wand from her eyes. "You could have killed me with that curse!"

"We need a signal." Ginevra Weasley did her best to pull herself together, to not show any weakness. "Let's go. I have everything." She exited the bathroom, stepping over the rugged man's body lying on the floor.

Still disheveled, she set to work. "I will conjure the room!" Ginny explained to Draco, as she walked back and forth in the fifth-floor corridor. Thinking the same words over and over again. Trying to visualize. _A room to execute a ritual in. A room to execute a ritual in. A room to execute a ritual in._

"We'll be safe there?"

As she nodded, a large doorframe appeared, and she led the way in. Inside they found a massive, stone floored chamber. Before her, an altar to place books on. She dropped her heavy bag besides it and observed what else did the room provide. _Drainage? For what? Blood? Disgusting._

Rows of candles were set in a circle. She extracted numerous potions from her enlarged bag. As well as three books. One she had forgotten to take out - from Dumbledore. Others - the diary and the ritual textbook.

As she turned, it was hard to suppress a gasp. The large man was being levitated in by Draco. _Are we about to kill him?_

"This is perfect. There is even a large cauldron here, couldn't have asked for more."

"Excellent. No more problems today, alright? That seems to be all we are getting." Draco smirked as he sealed the entry. "Need any help?"

"Not really." She hesitated. "Some parts of the ritual might be quite hard mentally… you could…"

"Motivate you?" Draco grimaced.

She rolled her eyes at his arrogance and set to work. The ritual was a multi-part enterprise. _First, the Cauldron._ Together with Anne they had made the requisite eight gallons of the needed liquid. However, it was still incomplete. She had considered preparing it without heating, but this was the most effective way.

By the drainage hole, there was a cast iron stove. Ginny levitated the cauldron on top of it and conjured some wood. _Incendio!_

_Good, that this doesn't need any stirring. Draco would spoil it, while I do the visual symbolism..._

It was unusual for a ritual to require visual guidance. Trying to not get it all over herself, she extracted the chalk, and kneeled to the stone ground. There she carefully drew many circles. Each subsequent circle encompassing the previous ones.

Noiselessly, Draco had conjured a chair and sat a few feet from her. His face was contemplative and apathetic. She diverted her gaze, not wanting to get distracted. _What is he thinking? Why is he… helping me?_

_Sometimes friendly and close. But most times distant._

They had kissed just an hour ago. A moment so unexpected she questioned if it indeed had happened. Days before, in their intoxicated mess, she had not cared. Most of it a complete black-out.

Relationships were about giving. She was not sure how much she was willing to give. To even ponder Draco being able to kiss her was weird. She could picture a simple sentence on his lips. _I don't kiss Ginevra, I fuck. Hard._

_I need to focus!_

With engravings done, she moved back to the altar. Now chalk all over her. She kneeled down again. A singular circle around her, inside ornamental runes. Still engrossed in invasive thoughts, she placed the ritual book on the stand.

At last she paged the book until the requisite point, rereading the instructions carefully.

"How dangerous is it?" Draco asked, breaking her focus.

"The potion is already brewing. We must levitate the body inside the circle. I will recant the incantations, and when it's done the book will land in the cauldron." She evaded the question.

"If done right, then none at all."

"And if not?" He prodded.

_How about… I might die. _She noted to herself acidly.

"I could collapse." _I suppose that includes dying._

"What then?" Draco stood up. Now understanding that his involvement had not been an accident.

_What then? I might be out for a few days._ She felt her uncertainty rising. _I can't tell him that. I can't believe I'm only now realizing the ramifications of this. Everything I did was to get to this point. Anything beyond was unthinkable, but now… _She braced herself, before attempting to break the news.

"I might be out for a few days." It was hard to speak. _At best._

The Slytherin sighed and started to pace around the room once again. She was hiding her face in her hands; afraid he might decide to leave or abandon her. _I am asking so much of him, I hadn't even considered-_

"You can't stay here." He concluded his inner monologue aloud.

"You mean this room?" She tried to clarify.

"No, I mean this castle." He looked concerned and out of character. "There is gonna be a manhunt. They're gonna look everywhere. Seeing this room sealed…"

"I know. Not to mention Luna and Blaise."

They both looked to the ground, trying to figure a way out. _I have nowhere to go. _But Draco's mind was racing and as she looked up, she could see he had a plan. _Can we leave? Surely, the Order will purse. The ministry. If we take… Luna and Blaise, it will be the biggest manhunt since the fall of the Dark Lord._ But her trail of thought was stopped rudely.

"Will the diary work?"

She felt cold pangs all over her. _Does he want to return it to his father?_

"Umm… Draco." She did not want to go down that rabbit hole.

"Will it work?" He reiterated, now more forcefully.

_I don't like this at all._

"Yes."

He nodded, breaking their sudden eye connection. "Good."

She was confused. "What about it? Why do you care? I just need a place to rest… if I indeed collapse."

"I know a place."

_But where?_ She considered the options. _Oh, no…. not Malfoy Manor. That is such a bad idea. _Before, she might have considered it. But now it was clear it had become the new headquarters for the deatheaters. _He couldn't possibly be contemplating bringing me to Malfoy Manor… could he? _She felt her poorly subdued anxiety returning. "Draco! No Malfoy Manor!"

"What?" He was confused. "No. I didn't mean the Manor…"

"You are up to something. I can see it in your eyes. What is going on?"

"I know a safe place. A cottage in the south of the country." He spoke quickly. "It's from my mother's side of the family."

This candid offer surprised them both equally. She looked away, pondering the odd relationship she was now a part of.

"Nobody will suspect." He reiterated.

She hesitated. "Why?" _Why are you helping me?_

"Why am I helping you?"

She nodded, not sure if she wanted to receive the answer.

"You said you wanted to bring the diary back. To the Dark Lord."


	15. The Ritual 9

Puzzle pieces were starting to fall into place. _This is what he wants. I suppose… I won't need it anymore._

She pondered her limited options. "Alright. Once I've rested, we could bring the diary to… Voldemort. But what about Luna and Blaise?"

"I’ll deal with them. Do the ritual!"

Her eyes lingered on Draco. "We must take them too. There are no other options. We must..." But she could not finish the sentence.

"We'll see. Do the ritual, perhaps this all is just baseless speculation."

_My reality has turned schizophrenic._ She stepped inside the circle and took a deep breath. "Fusce quis fringilla ipsum, non sollicitudin odio."

"Etiam efficitur malesuada tellus..." Her own words faded out as the sole object of her attention become her posture and wand movements.

The parchment before her was exceedingly long and full of ancient texts. She was not at liberty to make a single mistake. Every single phrase had to be uttered clearly and deliberately. An unneeded pause or a stretched syllable was all that could separate success from failure. Not only the potion could be damaged, but there was a chance of serious injury.

Her mind seemed more distant. As in deep meditation, she was the subject observing the objects of her mind. A strong feeling of depersonalization. The body is not real. Foggy, distant images flooding her mind. Unexpectedly, people started to materialize before her.

Dizzy and nauseous she fought back the wish to vomit. Creepingly, she started to feel the alarming sensation of flying. It was no longer possible to tell if it was an illusion. The words were coming out of her mouth by themselves.

The room was stinking bitterly, and the air was harsh. _I don't recall these surroundings. Where am I?_

She realized she was having a conversation with someone. A dark robed man. A man which bowed to her every word. _Oh, my._

"Yes, sir. Yes, my lord." The poor man replied to her red hair, unwilling to directly look at her.

Ginny reached out and grabbed his jaw. Applying much more force than necessary. She raised his head and spat in his eyes.

"Thank you, sir. Thank you, my lord." The goo was now covering the man's eyes.

_I'm him. I'm the one doing it._

"Stand up." She ordered. _I'm about to kill you._

The man staggered to his feet. Fear laced in his every fiber.

_Avada Kedavra! _Her phrasing almost serene. The man fell and the echoes of his death reverberated.

Eyes wide open. Bone crushing pain. Ginny Weasley found herself laying on the stone clad floor. Now safely locked away in the Room of Requirements. Looking up at the frowning figure of Draco Malfoy.

"I stopped reading." She muttered more to herself. "That's why the spell broke."

She got up and clutched the messy book. Soon, she had sunk back into the poetry. The foreign verse a lullaby to her broken soul.

No explanations were needed. She knew perfectly well she had just connected with the mind of Lord Voldemort. The only part in question - did she have control, if only little? _I felt in control. Those were my intentions. To spit in that miserable face. I craved it. He didn't. Voldemort didn't._

What had happened was to be expected. The connection was there all along. Just hidden away and protected from. Suddenly exposed, it imprinted on her consciousness. The images before had been so real, so vivid. _I was there._

But there was no time for rumination. She continued to call out the various phrases written down on the numerous scrolls. This time it came much faster. Her eyes grew blurry and she could feel the distinct feeling of floating. _I could be in the dead sea._

Ginny opened her eyes. Huge black rocks littered the shores. A northern sea sent waves smashing towards the coast. Decades old memories surfaced from a foreign mind. She now knew things that she should not know. There was a passage down there, hidden from muggle sight. Inside, a goblet she had filled with a venomous liquid. She had stored an item there. An item immensely valuable._ Another Horcrux. Another me._

“Nagini!” Her nasal voice rang poisonously in the air. She could feel her body squirming from a large snake that had appeared besides her. On her feet. Wriggling around impatiently.

The scene had snapped out of her mind the moment she had hissed the words _Nagini_. More images. Visions of people she did not know and locations she had never been to. _I'm not the only one. He has created so many of us. His lost pieces of soul._

It was now too late to turn back and stop. The words had to be spoken aloud until the end. There were strange noises coming out of her mouth. Weird hissing, she did not recognize. She was no longer merely levitating. A bright light had appeared, encompassing her figure.

Then she started to see the dead. One after another, she witnessed murders. Cold blooded and cruel. But above everything - pointless. Done for the sole amusement of the killer. She saw a small boy in an unknown Orphanage. Death by fire. Several teenagers. The most vivid memories of Lord Voldemort. _Why am I seeing this?_

_No. I can't._ She felt as if someone was nagging her. Someone was calling her weak.

His presence had now materialized firmly in her mind. His acknowledgment of her.

She wanted to get out. To get out now. To stop this, to not lose herself.

Another flash of green._ Lily Potter screaming, before the final-_

Bone crushing pain, again.

"My, leg." She grabbed her foot in pain. Now wide awake and once again on the stone clad floor. The visions were gone. Fading fast as if from a bad dream.

Timidly, she raised up from the ground and stabilized into a kneeling position. The tall frame of Draco Malfoy hung worriedly over her.

"Too much. Too intense."

"But I think I got the first part done." She mumbled.

Draco had stopped assessing her state, and now was observing the cauldron. Which to her surprise had remained boiling. _I must look at the temperatures._

But it was hard for her to re-concentrate on the task at hand. _I couldn't take it all in. _She felt as a prisoner to her own thoughts. _All the deaths. All the murders. All the HORCRUXES! Dear God. He will never be defeated._

"You started to scream." The Slytherin stated indifferently. "And then I think you cried to be released-"

"I did?" She said, shaking her head. "I don't recall."

Draco paused philosophically. "The subconscious."

Her rational mind was kicking back in, and there was no time to waste. "I have to check the Cauldron. To see if we are approaching the thermal junction knows as TJ max."

But the Slytherin boy was in her way again. "What happened? You must tell me. Did you..."

"Did I what?" He irritated her. She wanted to challenge Draco. "Did I see Lord Voldemort?"

Draco was confused at her mood swings. And right away she felt embarrassed.

"Do you need help?"

_Oh, that's what you wanted to ask._

"I think… I think I can handle myself during the ritual." _Do I tell him about the other horcruxes? He already seems so spooked out._

"But there is one thing." She began uncertainly. "Can you... look after me... after the ritual for a while… until… I recover?"

Draco looked away. Burdened, no doubt, with troubling thoughts involving both of them. Finally, he made a decision. "Alright. If it's necessary."

There was no point lingering by. "I have to go back to the cauldron. The diary will have to planted there. The heat will take away the poison.”

_I should be able to stand up._ She succeeded. With visions gone, her conscious mind had reemerged. She relived the various images she had seen. The people and places of great evil.

Ripples of uncertainty echoed through her. Draco now standing just a foot from her - observing her. She again stepped into the circle. After adjusting the altar, she immersed herself in the dark phrases, once more. Tiredness pushing on her eyelids. _I must stay awake. No mistakes, girl. No mistakes._

Words sweeping rapidly, she moved from one passage to the next. Surprised that the feelings were now much less intense. This foreign world was approaching again. A mind of an evil person. Barely recognizable as a human being.

The stunned man was getting moved. Draco placed him against the cauldron - his skin just barely evading heat through thin clothes. _So inhumane._ She mused to herself. Her mind between worlds.

More wand movements. Draco standing by the stunned man. He was frowning deeply, and his concentration was cast directly at her. Ready to act at an instant. It was not clear how he could intervene, but she was sure he would try. A magical connection had appeared. Connecting her and the diary. The object of the ritual.

More visions. Now distant and less decipherable. It was as if Voldemort had closed his mind against her. But she could still feel his presence in that same dark room. An old scrawny corpse in front of her. The same she had spat on.

Another deatheater trotted around, crunched to the ground. After every move, bowing deeply. "My lord." For an unknown reason she was annoyed at him. He had done something wrong. Something unbecoming of a proper follower. _I want to hurt him._ She successfully raised her wand. His wand. But the urge disappeared. Her own conscious mind had intervened. Stopped Voldemort's intent.

Deeper into his mind. Deeper into his memories. More vision. The rocky shore again. Waves crushing against the shore like giant buildings. Gliding above water, flying without a broom. An amulet hidden within the alcoves of the rocks. Engraved with a shiny letter S and filled with horror. _I know what it is! I've seen it before! Grimmauld place!_

Active resistance. The visions now more haphazard than before. Four more places. Hallows hidden from sight by an evil wizard. To protect his dying unkept body.

Her own voice returned to her. She was still chanting the ritual phrases. Exiting the mind of Lord Voldemort. Gradually, she started to see clearly again.

The bright light connecting her to the diary had intensified tenfold. The ritual was almost complete. _Now, only the sacrifice-_

_You! Annoying little brat! _A voice inside her head. The lost piece of Voldemort's soul. Embedded in her frail body. Screaming in fear of mortal danger.

_What?_ She was confused. Not sure if this was Voldemort speaking to her, or just her fucked up soul.

_How dare you! I created you. You owe everything to me._

She did not reply. This was part of the challenge. Part of the ritual. To meet the horcrux within. She had to go on.

_You miss Tom Riddle. You miss the diary. That's why you’re here. That's why you’re reviving him. _The voice taunted her.

_That's not true! _She regretted her reply instantly.

_Of course, it is. Tom Riddle was everything to you. You crave him back. You don't even like Draco. Admit it! He is only here as a bodyguard. Another person you have exploited for your own selfish needs._

_No. _She was losing her patience rapidly. The accusations hurt. Coming from deep within her. From someone or some-thing that knew her. That was her. _Not true._

She was now lumbering her words. Failing to shut off distractions. The voice prodding at the back of her head. But she had to ignore it. Fixating her efforts on the last words of the drawn-out scripture. "...suspendisse mauris diam, hendrerit volutpat tortor et. "

"This part's over." She murmured.

Her body feeling heat again. Air vapors rising from the vast cauldron. The familiar surroundings of the Room of Requirements. Enchanted for her purposes. It took her a moment to realize she was not alone. The face of Draco Malfoy morphing from alien to concerned.

"Only the sacrifice is left."

As their eyes met, he gave her a tiny nod.

The clunky middle-aged man was placed against the cauldron. Immobile as before. His disgusting clothing emitting an abominable stench. _He is nothing to me. A criminal, to be taken in by the aurors. Just barely stopped from escape._ But her justifications did not trick her consciousness.

Determinedly, she raised her wand. "Just a single spell." _Separates me from being myself again._

_An unforgivable, my girl. _She failed to keep the voice out. _You are too weak! Draco knew it. That's why he executed your first victim. At your core, you are a pushover._

A deep breath followed by a sharp exhale. "Just a single spell." She repeated.

The shabby man was no longer resting against the Cauldron. He had slipped and was now bent against the wall. But as she looked in, it was easy to notice something was dead wrong.

His eyes were half open.

Debilitating shock coursed through her. _We stunned him!_

Seeing her unrest, Draco turned. But before he could react the stunned man spoke.

"Hello, Ginny!" His voice was clear and soft.

Involuntarily, she took a step back. Barely remaining in the chalked-out circle. The connection between her and the diary faltered. "What is happening? Draco, how can he talk?"

"I don't know." He replied, equally in shock. _Stupefy!_

His curse bounced against the limp body. But the mouth kept moving. "Ginny, don't pretend to not know me."

"I don't know you."

"You, ignorant little girl." He spat vehemently. "I AM TOM RIDDLE. Your beloved. The one, you are here to rescue."

"No, that's not true. Don't listen to him, Draco." She contained herself from screaming. She wanted to prove him wrong. To dispel the accusations. Statements that looped in her mind. Superficially false, but deep down uncertain. Her dreams and outer layers of subconsciousness spawned many fantasies.

"Perform the curse." Draco instructed her calmly.

**"**That is the only reason you are here. You NEED me, Ginny. You dream about me every night."

"LIES!" She felt herself going over the edge.

"You dream of protection. The kind of which only the Dark Lord can provide. For me to whisk you up and take you away. To be gone from the feeble-minded Draco Malfoy." There was gloating in his sinister voice. "I have an army of deatheaters at my disposal. You would love that power, won't you? You are WEAK! Craving for every single shred of it you can attain. I know cost doesn't matter to you. It's all self-indulgence."

"NO!" She bellowed. "That's not true, Draco."

"You are using him!" The disgusting corpse of a man proclaimed in Tom Riddle's voice.

"Perform the killing curse." Draco's voice was loud, clear and firm.

_I know what to do. _She could not bear to look at him.

"Look at me."

Hard, cold gray eyes met her delicate brown one's.

"You know the words. Do it."

The disgusting, soon-to-be corpse observed their interaction. "Step out of the circle, little girl. You are a pushover. Kneel before me and we will conquer the world! All Draco craves is to fuck you. He is obsessed with your body. He does not care about you. Deep down, you know you will always be alone. Only with me will your fucked-up desires be set free."

"Shut the fuck up!" Draco eyed the man with pure loathing.

"Look at him! He's getting angry now. A Malfoy cares first and only for his pride. You are an accessory, little girl. To be worn around the ankles and slung into the mud."

Ginny was mute. She opened and closed her mouth several times, wanting to scream it was not true. But she could not manage a single noise.

Draco was no longer looking at her, either. His face cast to the ground.

Before she could gather a coherent thought, the voice went on. "Step out of the circle, little girl."

"NO!" Ginny roared, her inner strength building.

"STEP! OUT!"

"No." She stated now more silently and more resolutely. For the last time that night, she raised her wand and cast a spell.

_Avada Kedavra!_

Blinding green light shot out of her wand. The repulsive hue, the very essence of death in the wizarding world. Her victim's face dazed in lifeless shock.

The deed was done. A life had been taken; a person destroyed. She took a quick look at the dead body, but afterwards she could no longer hold her head up.

There was buzzing in her ears. The silence was deafening, and she could feel herself tearing up from exhaustion. Even if this was a victory, it did not feel like one.

In the process of successfully saving her soul, she might've just broken it herself.

_This took too much out of me. It meant… everything. And now… what do I do now?_

The bright connecting light between her and diary had disappeared. "Place the diary in the cauldron. Draco, please."

He too had not said a word, but she could hear him execute her commands. She had expected calm, but there was none. Instead she was scared. Her feet had become heavy. "Draco, I will kneel down for a bit."

It was hard to breath. Thoughts become less sporadic. She was fighting with her eyelid, fighting to keep her posture - even kneeled. The stone floor was cold and uncomfortable as her hands pressed against it for support.

"It seems to have healed." A distant voice.

_Stay. Awake._

"GINNY!?" Draco was by her side in an instant.

"Secure the diary. Place it in my bag."

Without leaving his eyes from her, he executed her commands again. As he returned, his voice was stern and assessing. "Are you cold?"

"No. Actually, Draco… I'm not sure… maybe I am cold."

Suddenly fearful, she tried to get up. But even before establishing her posture, her legs gave out and she collapsed against the floor again. _I'm so weak now._

"Go to sleep." He spoke more softly. "Rest."

"I can't…." She stumbled for words. "Everything has gone wrong."

"Blaise… and now Luna! Draco, we must… we must leave. I can't…. I won't stay here."

"Are you sure?"

"This place is hell."

Draco kneeled beside her. Slowly supporting her weight against him. With uncharacteristic tenderness, he put an arm around her.

"Then hold on Weasley. We're leaving." Were the last words her mind processed, before falling into the abyss of not being.

***

Her sleep was broken and uneven. As if heavily intoxicated, she felt nauseous, ill and delirious. There was something wrong with her body. Her brain chemistry disrupted and messed up.

Intermittently, she could feel the sensation of flying. Being carried by indecipherable forces.

Heat radiated against her head. A bright light pressed against her eyes. Between her half-closed eyelids she could see the sun. Gone was the cold dark room. Her body was leaning against a tree, placed against a magical cushioning charm.

Her dreams were of people. Strangers talking in her head about the same jumbled nonsense. Minutes or hours passed - there was no way to tell. A loud thud and her eyes bolted open.

Shock coursed through her veins as she observed the lifeless body of Luna Lovegood laying on the dirty ground.

Ginny pushed her body further up against the tree. _Please, let her be alive._

Wanting to approach, she attempted to lean forwards, but fell badly on her face. _I'm pathetic. My best friend laying on the ground, and I can't even help…_

Approaching heavy footsteps. She tried her best to manage her rising panic, but her limbs failed to cooperate.

A familiar, friendly voice. "I saw you fall. Don't try to go anywhere. There is a cushioning charm placed against the tree. Lean back."

"What about Luna?" Ginny managed to murmur.

"She is fine. Stunned." He continued. "Blaise will be nearby any moment now. I have to go."

_Will you kill him?_ Was the question in her mind, but it never materialized into sound.

The sun was no longer in her eyes. Once again, she felt as if she was flying. Familiar memories of broom racing from her childhood. In fact, any brightness was gone. The air murky and humid. This time she opened her eyes to the familiar face of Draco Malfoy, looking scrupulously at her.

"This is the tunnel, remember? We're heading towards the haunted shack." He explained, holding her with both hands, while maintaining his illuminated wand pointing forwards.

Many hours had passed, and it was clear her collapse had not been pure tiredness. Her body had contained two pieces of soul. A wretched horcrux sucking out her energy. But now free of its burden, something else had given way. Her body unable to adapt fast enough, instead was screaming poison.

Draco, for the first time in her memory, had dropped all pretense. The look he gave her was of grave concern. "You vomited blood earlier and you have high fever. If it gets worse, we will have to ask for help… Blaise is floating behind me. I stunned him."

Squeamishly, she took a tiny peek back. There were three human bodies levitating behind them. "Who is the third?"

She felt her own voice quiver as she realized. "... the one I killed."

Draco frowned and continued their march forward.

"Where are we going?"

"To a safe house."

"Will they find us?"

"Not for a while."

Her energy was depleted to ask anything more. Many questions still lingering in her mind. _What will we do with them? What will the people at Hogwarts’s think?_

Albeit unable to read her thoughts, he seemed to guess her questions. "I will leave the dark mark before we apparate. Let's let them draw their own conclusions."

She nodded back aimlessly.

They exited the tunnel, which was under the Black Lake, and another muddy corpse appeared tied up on the ground.

"The auror you killed."

Another levitating charm was all it took for the corpse to join their death march.

After exiting the shack, Draco lifted the charms, and the bodies fell to the ground. He pointed his wand to the sky and exclaimed the incantation for the dark mark. _Presepios!_

"Hold on, Weasley. We are going to side-apparate. All six of us."

_It's funny. _Ginny mused to herself deliriously.

_Three pairs of two. _The apparition force was now squeezing her through the tunnels of time and space. _Two alive, two stunned and two dead._


	16. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of the final part. :)

_As Pushkin said, 'My friends are no more or are far away'._

Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not where they're meant to be.

Her mind was riddled with demons. Their visions producing hypo-maniacal nightmares. Each one more sinister and intense than the one before. In sweat filled bedsheets, she swayed from side to side, but there was nowhere to turn and nowhere to escape.

Each turn felt like welcome salvation, her body was on fire. The instant relief from brushing her skin against the sheets was reechoed with sharp darting discomfort. As a burn victim enveloped in numerous casts, she begged for the suffering to stop.

Intermittently, it did. In a strong embrace, firm hands soothed her. The touch sometimes warm, sometimes cold.

She was beginning to realize that the pain was new. That she had not been in pain all her life. Not a mutilated infant doomed for eternal suffering. Not after the ritual. In shock - there had not been any pain. Her traumatized body ready to discard her, ready to discard her fractured and broken soul.

_‘But the universe is big and old, and rare events happen all the time.’_

The burning was now welcome. It proved to her that she was still alive.

***

Ginny Weasley opened her eyes violently. Above her an alien, ashen hued ceiling. Nothing had happened before this. Her memories a complete void.

Pushing her body up, she rested her neck against the headboard and looked around. Extreme brightness was bursting through the very muggle looking windows. The newfound room around her was oddly modern. Not a wizarding item in sight.

The rich wooden furniture was arranged artistically. She was secluded in a large bedroom. A double-poster bed adjoined by a broad desk and an extensive light-wooden wardrobe.

_An interior so white. So clean._

_Muggle-style luxury. How odd._

The rich interior design still bugged her, but her own body alerted her to take notice.

_New clothes._

Alarm rung through her for the briefest of moments before she felt calm again in the remarkably comfortable and plush bed. Simple pale undergarments. As fresh and white as the sheets above her and the pillows beneath her.

_Draco._

Her mind was sluggishly waking up. _He must've brought me here._

_I think we… we talked about this._

There was a silent hum in the background, a muffled sound of air coming in or going out. Barely audible, it seemed to be filtered through several silencing ducts. In otherwise absolute silence, it distracted her and her mind lost focus much more quickly than usual.

_But I don't recall... why am I here? Where am I?_

Failing to arrive at any explanations, she pondered how long had she been asleep.

_At least I'm not in St. Mungo's… should I've gone there instead?_

_No!_

The idea was erased instantly. _Under_ _no circumstance._

Her legs moved, but they were stiff and tense. Sluggishly, she managed to get on her feet, taking several steps towards the doors. The floors were laid in stylish bright hardwood, with dark stone doors casting a sharp contrast.

_What a strange place. That stone has to be cast in magic. _

Her eyes had grown accustomed to the light from the windows. It was a sunny day and the skies were clear. Glowing with the kind of blueish hue that was only possible near winter. She expected for Draco to come in any minute now.

_He will be glad to see me awake. He has to be… after all, it must've been him who took care of me._

Coupled with the towering oak wardrobe was a silver mirror. Reluctantly, she took a brief look at herself. A brown-eyed, pale, petite girl. Dressed in simple white bra and panties. Her unnaturally flaming red hair in stark contrast to her barely freckled skin.

_A bit messy, but still… beautiful._

Absentmindedly, she wondered what Draco would think if he walked in right now. She wanted him to see her. _No, I’m naked. What am I thinking?_

_And these are not even mine panties! Draco!_

The alarm about her violated privacy faded. Clouds were sliding past the late-autumn sun and many warm flickering sunrays caressed her back. The windows were very large and thick, they seemed to be supporting the house itself with their vast area of view. Ginny squinted her eyes trying to see further out, noticing only distant trees and what looked like a frosty marsh.

Observing the calm winds outside, a newfound understanding came - that nobody would come. Intimidated by the engraved mystical symbols, she cautiously approached the massive stone doors. They clashed with the wooden Scandinavian interior and looked like a portal to another realm.

Once again calm spread through her as the round stonework doorknob turned without resistance.

_I'm not locked in._

_Like in… other places I've found myself awake in. Under… antipsychotics._

The stone doors closed themselves with a loud clunk as the locking mechanism settled itself.

Once again dark-wood styling, but the corridor was much narrower than she had expected. Looking around she could see three more stone portals to what she could imagine were similar bedrooms. The house appeared to be much cozier than previously.

_This must be the second floor. The top floor. I only see stairs down._

Sturdy white floor mats accented the dark flooring, and soon she was at the top of the staircase. The rosewood handrail led her down the oak steps. Images of her family and of Hogwarts were resurfacing from the depths of her impaired memory, tempting for her stay back in the relative safety of her own bedroom.

Clutching her hands against her chin in thought, she tried to probe her memories for any hints. Even as imagines of her family and Hogwarts flashed past, somehow all these recollections were devoid of any meaning or purpose.

_A past so mundane. So ordinary._

_I don’t care about ordinary._ Confusion was spreading. _But what do I care about?_

_Him._

_I want to meet him. I want him to see me. To approach me._

The wood creaked pleasantly with its natural warmness beneath her bare feet as she pondered where was he. Making her way down the stairwell unafraid of what laid below, in Gryffindor spirit she was confident that it was her house and she was the landowner of this strange property.

_It’s mine and Draco’s. Like in those dreams in which I don’t die._

_I wish I had more of those._

Any lingers of doubt evaporated as a wide living room presented itself, appended by a spacious kitchen. In the middle of the conjoined room was a grandiose dark-wood table capable of seating her whole family. The spacious hall was separated in two, with a tall frame dividing a cozy coffee table besides a dark ornamental fireplace.

Following muggle design trends, the whole back side of the living room was made entirely of glass – with the windows so tall they stretched from floor to the ceiling.

The immense windows were cast towards a memorable meadow, which stretched into the nearby tree line. The immediate field was well kept, with intermittent shrubbery and flower patches. Admiring the few still colorful flowers it was clear to her that the garden was highly preserved with magic. At the far end of the field, the tree line connected to a marsh covered in the remains of lingering hoar frost.

Because of the glass wall, no lighting was necessary. Natural sunlight illuminated the living hall, just like her bedroom above. _My bedroom?_

_Why do I feel at home here? This is nothing like… the Burrow._

Oddly, those memories did not make her feel homesick. Something about this place seemed more welcoming than her daydream-laced childhood.

On the other side from the kitchen were the front doors. In that far corner to the left, two muggle radiators poked out from the walls. _Muggle heating?_

_Oh, no._

_No!_

Two human beings were chained against the cast iron radiators.

A woman and a man. They both did not move.

Their hands were tied up through a crowbar and their faces were blindfolded and gagged.

Ginny recalled the girl's name immediately.

_Luna!_

Luna’s hands were stretched far behind her back and restrained ruthlessly. There were nasty chain marks around her small wrists.

_How bizarre._ Ginny could reliably tell she felt restless, but her emotions were too distant, blurry, and buried. Not being able to look at Luna, she focused on the other prisoner.

_Blaise Zabini._

Anger and deep hatred now flooded her much more clearly.

_He deserves the chains._

Her thoughts trailed off again, her short-term memory was weak and retaining focus was costly.

Almost as puzzling was the house itself. She could not stop admiring the design. Everything was spacious, silvery, and clean. A stark contrast to the wizardly tradition of ornamentation and over-crowdedness.

The massive table beckoned for her to sit down, to not pay any more attention to the two prisoners. She obliged, half expecting her whole family to come down magically from upstairs. To join her any moment now. Her mother would offer never-ending deposits of food Ginny had helped to cook, and they would all resume in heartfelt chatter.

_Like before Hogwarts, like before Tom… when everything was joyful._

_When I last felt safe._

Joy spread through her as she smiled broadly awaiting Draco. _Is he behind me right now? Looking at me softly, just before sitting down in that opposite chair?_

She expected for him to arrive any minute, for him to talk and act just like he did in her dreams. In dreams where they were together, in dreams where they were happy, where she was happy – but he didn’t.

_Am I drugged? _Playing with her messy red curls, she pondered the distant question. _Or is this a dream?_

_Or better yet… am I a ghost?_ The image of her floating figure making her giggle.

Still somewhat aloof, Ginny approached the heating devices that had now turned into torture instruments for the two Hogwarts students.

It did not look right. People were not supposed to be chained up. Not blindfolded and gagged. Weariness overcame her. She did not want to rush to their side and the atmosphere around her changed. The previously carless vigor had now transformed into unease.

The wooden floor warmed her bare heels and toes magically. The warmness was welcome, and she tried to embody it inside her spirit. Gathering courage, Ginny kneeled beside Luna.

The girl was immobile. Not a single jittery movement from her jeaned thighs or her messy wool sweater.

Luna’s restraints made Ginny disgusted and anxious. The blindfold was a non-magical, muggle-style device, and the mouth-gag was of the sort used in sex cults.

Wearily, she waited for several minutes, observing the blonde girl, before finally speaking aloud. “Can you hear me?”

Nothing seemed to indicate the affirmative, and her own voice twisted and turned weirdly in her head making unexpected echoes. _‘Can you hear me? Can you hear me?’_

_‘Can you hear me?’_

Delicately, she reached out her hand and put her palm against Luna's cheek. "Sweetie."

Her skin was warm, but her body was motionless and malleable.

_So morbid. _Her emotions were finally starting to bubble up. _Why isn't Luna acknowledging me?_

As she lowered her hand to feel her breasts, Ginny could feel a tenuous pulse as well as Luna’s lungs gradually rising and falling.

_The blindfold._ It was easy to push the blindfold off from her eyes and onto her forehead.

Luna's face was as frozen as her body. Desperately, Ginny wanted to reverse the effect.

"Do you recognize me? Luna?"

Luna blinked.

Ginny jolted backwards in surprise. "Oh, good."

She forced a smile, still holding her palm against the other girl's cheek. Mesmerized by her silvery-blue eyes, Ginny could not look away.

_Could Draco be watching me right now? Observing how I'm enamored with her?_

It was painful not to break their eye connection, not to turn back and look. But she felt an obligation to make one more reassurance. "It's going to be alright, Luna.”

"I'll take care of you."

_Why did nobody tell me that, after what Tom did?_

The question was left unresolved.

Relaxing her muscles from the stiff kneeled down position, she pulled back the blindfold over the pale beautiful face of Luna Lovegood. Standing up and turning around, she fully expected to face Draco.

But he was not there, once again. _Shouldn’t he have returned by now?_

_Perhaps… he was never here in the first place?_

Something was wrong with her short-term memory and she could clearly notice it intermittently. But these sudden realizations crushed like waves against her and the understanding was forgotten just moments later as the tide returned back into the ocean of forgetfulness. The waters washing away concern and worry as well.

The warm sun distracted her, and she turned to look through the windows. _I should go outside. What a wonderful day._

The main entrance was to the left from the radiators. The carvings on the wooden doors were majestic and dignified.

_Again, unlocked._ _I wondered about that… if I'm in fact free to leave._

The cold, late autumn air shocked her with its breezy spirit, questioning her resolve to explore outdoors. The regal wood doors were remarkably heavy as she pushed them back shut behind her.

_It's so beautiful here. This magical garden is barely struggling to keep the winter away._

Brisk winds were making the last colorful leaves dance in the weak sun rays. Ginny stretched her hands in the cool air, relaxing shoulders and with outstretched palms trying to catch one of the flutter of leaves around her.

_It’s embarrassing how underdressed I am._

_I’ve never walked outside just in my undergarments. Why am I so sure... it’s going to be fine? That I’m alone and safe?_

More questions unresolved.

But the urge to explore was too strong, and she succumbed to the spell of trying to take a single quick loop around the property.

From outside, her home looked much humbler than she had imagined. The second floor containing just a few bedrooms. The main floor endowed with a spacious living room and what looked like a small study.

_My home? This is not my home… the Burrow is. _

_Why do I feel like it's all opposite now? _She could not break that conviction.

Turning around to examine the landscape, she was greeted by an elaborate gate directly in front, with high sharp-leaved hedges planted along the whole front porch. In the middle, massive ornamental metallic gates clunk as they swayed gently in the winds. Looking at the gates she felt an unfamiliar dislike towards them. _More gilded cages… _

_No, I'm free here, I must be!_ This was enough for her to begin a strict pace around the house. Her bare feet on surprisingly fluffy green grass.

Her coppery hair swished freely in the breeze, accenting the last season before snow. Behind the house she found the same meadow that had been visible from the living room. It stretched quite afar into the nearby tree line that surrounded it.

_Somebody's there!_

She thought she could discern a man. Aged, but not elderly. _Like my father. _The same red hair and a wistful smile in his eyes.

"Dad?"

_Calm down._

_Nobody's there._

_It's the leaves. That was an illusion._

Relief poured through her - foreign and surprising. _Would I not want to see him? I don't understand… _

One thought was leading to another. _Oh… I remember…_

Two dead men.

Levitating behind her as Draco had side-apparated them away in haste.

_They must be buried… or in the basement? Does this house have a basement? There is a shed…_

The gardening shed had a few tools rested against it, but it looked empty.

Ginny continued the walk, but her joyfulness was gone. She was now starkly aware of her ridiculous outfit. All her scattered thoughts converging onto the two dead men. Two corpses of which she was now acutely aware of. The time to get inside was far spent as she finally managed to dry her wet feet on the unexpectedly spiky porch.

_I need better clothes! Or… any clothes, to be honest._

When Draco comes…_ I can't possibly be like this in my, oh… the basement._

Another doorway she had not noticed before. It was to the right from the main entrance, beneath the stairs. The dark corridor looked less and less welcoming, too far from the living room glass windows. Hesitantly, she opened the metallic doors leading downstairs.

_Again... unlocked._

"Lumos!" Her incantation worked and the path down lit up. As was the custom in wizardly homes, the illumination charm worked without a wand.

_This house is such a dichotomy - so magical and so muggle alike._

Nothing about her surroundings was welcoming anymore. No more wooden panels or expensive flooring. The basement walls were made of plain concrete, and the floors tiled with large sanitary looking tiles, bitter to her bare feet and foreboding of a hospital.

No pulse charm was necessary, she could feel her heart rate double from low sixties up in the mid hundreds. _They must be here. The corpses…_

It was hard to fight back the urge to vomit. Even before she had reached the final landing the horrible smell was overwhelming, the gruesome stink of rotting human flesh.

The last few steps took her an eternity. Still not wanting to confront reality, she forced herself to turn towards the ghastly cellar, which was the basement for her otherwise stunningly beautiful home.

_Oh, no…_

Two dead bodies thrown loosely on top of each other.

Pools of dark blood encircling the rotting corpses.

Ginny was thorn back in disgust. She had never seen a dead body before in her life this clearly. Confusion was swooping over her. _But why?_

"This looks like a morgue."

"Concrete walls…. tiled floors. A drainage pipe on the floor...." _For blood._

The bodies were magically frozen. Tiny icicles had formed on the faces of their two victims. The icicles denoting death from hypothermia.

But she knew better. _No._

_They were murdered._

Ginny kneeled to her feet to see better. Feeling extremely anxious as she crept on her hands and knees closer. Pressing her palms against tiles she crawled forwards, the tile whiteness clashing with the darkly dried blood.

Now just inches away from rotten flesh, something felt dreadfully wrong in the back of her mind.

_I don't understand._

Shivers from both cold and foreboding went through her as the two corpses reminded her of Luna and Blaise.

_Two dead, two stunned and two alive._

Mesmerized by the sight, she could not look away. The dead both confusing her and making her wonder. _What is it like to be no longer alive?_

Two living, breathing human beings turned into dirt, into nothingness.

_‘What is consciousness?’ _She had asked Remus.

Newfound anxiety was making her fidgety. She tried to calm herself and to calm her breathing.

He had replied mysteriously. _‘An organism has conscious mental states if, and only if there is something that it is like to be that organism - something that it is like for the organism to be itself.’_

An imaginary voice urged her to touch the corpses. She reached out her hand towards the ugly scared face of the dead auror. Barely pushing with the softness of her fingers against the dried skin.

_Is there something that is like to be a rotting corpse?_

The idea of everything being alive, everything having consciousness always haunted her.

Paranoia.

_Somebody's behind me._

Expecting her attacker to jump at her and motioned by schizophrenic fear Ginny violently turned around.

A concrete wall. She was alone.

Her adrenaline racing, without further thought she made her way up. It was time to leave the basement. _I think I want to get cremated._

"I need to find a dress… I can't go around like this anymore." She whispered to herself, moving upstairs and back towards her room.

On the top floor she briefly peeked into two more bedrooms - both unoccupied. Not daring to open any closets or cupboards, she returned to her bedroom. _Enough exploration._

The sight of her old school bag calmed her restlessness. A singular object of familiarity in a fog of unknown. She almost regretted having no reason to unpack it – no clothes had been placed there. There was only one place to look, and with anxious hesitation Ginny turned towards the wide engraved wardrobe.

Inside she found a vast arrangement of vintage dresses. Chosen with regard for sophistication and distinct muggle fashion trends of the past century.

_Draco’s mom? _She squeaked to herself internally, recalling having seen brief glimpses of her on select occasions. He could not have possible picked any of these.

A-Line, maxi, empire, and shift dresses were placed in a magically expanded corridor that stretched deep within the wardrobe. The colors were rich and elegant. 

_Orchid, jade, sage… everything so ornamented. So many patterns, so many styles._

Both stunned and cautiously intoxicated, Ginny tried to sort through the array of madness before her. Above her a wall of accessories - all in pure silver with smudges of gold. On the ground she found various high heeled shoes, stretching from platform-wedge to kitten-heel.

_Sandals. _She felt herself exhale upon the sight of flats and other footwear she felt more comfortable with.

Back at school, a few muggle sweaters and jeans were for the most part everything that she had. All picked for comfort and least expense.

_What have I gotten myself into? _She mused in astonishment and stupefaction. The world before her was now all upside-down. Her tomboyish exterior had been more of a necessity rather than choice. Elegant dresses of varying length pushed her out of her comfort zone, but they did not repulse.

Swishing her hands against the fabrics there was no shortage of sensations. Silk, satin, velvet and brocade all felt welcome to the touch. But subconsciously she had already made her choice.

An airy green A-Line dress was at the very front from the doors. It was the best color to match her hair and skin. Putting it on, she gazed at the embellished horizontally lined patterns, but before all a cute bow was now on her chest. Tying her hair into a casual bun, she admired how the linen stretched magically to fit her curves and waist.

"I could try dressing like this more often. Who knows… I might even start to like it.” Lost in her own reflection she whispered aloud.

_Is this what he expects of me? By putting these here? No. It’s probably… an accident._

There was no reason to sink into self-doubt and conjecture. Too many puzzle pieces were still missing for her to put together the full picture. Guesstimating time in this place was impossible. There was not a single clock in her room, nor she had recalled seeing any below. Hours could have passed in her effort to choose her attire. _Enough self-admiration for one day._

Back down in the living room, Ginny rested her head against the wooden table. Lamenting her loneliness and running out of ideas on how to pass time. The sun was setting steadily. Sublime orange rays symbolized the end to November. December had arrived and judging by the falling temperatures the first snow was overdue.

Falling into distant memories she could visualize the Burrow. Her mother always on the lookout to make sure everyone was behaving. Arranging pots and pans in the air to magically prepare a nine-person dinner. If she was back at the Burrow, there would no other options. Right now, she would be head over heels immersed in cooking - helping her mother as a good daughter should.

Still hunched down against the table she peered through her half-closed eyes at the two prisoners chained to the radiators. "And who's going to feed them?"

Some kind of wards were keeping them alive and fit, but she doubted it was a comfortable experience.

Looking around, Ginny found plates, silverware, and common kitchen appliances. Her eyes lingering on an out-of-place muggle looking water heater, as well as other muggle electronics.

"I think that's a toaster… who commissioned this house? Somebody married to a muggle-born?”

_No, this house must be in Draco's pureblood family._

Pushing these questions to the lengthy list of oddities she had already accumulated, she set out to work. To her astonishment the fridge was packed with fresh fruit, vegetables and even raw meat. Years of service in her mother's custody were finally proving valuable. She spent hours slicing and boiling the vegetables and grilling the raw meat. The effort feeling more engaging without her wand, which she had yet to find.

With everything done and arranged neatly into lidded bowls, she sat down and rested her head against the wooden table. The sun was no more, and the room was pitch black.

Not bothering to ignite any lights she sat there in the darkness alone. Slowly falling asleep from tiredness, her mind occupied with a single thought. _Where are you?_


	17. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 2

A sudden thud awoke her.

"Lumos!" Afraid of intruders, she declared loudly.

The kitchen glowed in warm brightness. Taking a brief look around, she could find nobody behind her.

Deep down she wanted to be afraid and to feel vulnerable. But something about her surroundings inspired apathy.

_Perhaps it was from the shed._

_The winds are picking up. Outside they could have thrown some gardening tools against the stone tiles. It's close from the kitchen windows._

Ginny raised from the table she had been hunched over asleep and looked outside.

"Cold and dreary. Winter's here..."

To her surprise, she did not feel chilly in the plain green linen dress. It was clear the house had magical heating. The wooden floors were comfortable to her still bare feet. Having discarded the sandals while working in the kitchen, she felt much better roaming around the house unrestrained.

_Why am I not afraid… alone?_ But she remembered instantly she was not alone.

_Prisoners chained against the radiators. Two corpses in the basement. And a loud thud?_

_He couldn't have left me unprotected… could he?_

Shrugging away the sadness and loneliness she tried to look for positives. "I'll wait for him." Her sudden resolve inspiring a weak smile to form on her lips. "He will be glad I prepared dinner."

_I hope._

While cooking she had started to idly consider the living room furniture. There was a feminine urge growing in her to rearrange the sofas, to move the table closer to the windows. _Perhaps get rid of some of these spare chairs cluttering the room. Put them in the shed._

"I wonder if the food's still warm…" Her eyes, which had been directed at appraising the furniture stopped at the two prisoners. "They've not had a proper meal… for days."

_I sound like my mother._

But looking at the fragile figure of Luna Lovegood, with her legs forcibly pulled to her chest, Ginny felt her heart sink. _Letting them live on minimum life support is cruel._

Silver cutlery clanged as she assembled pieces of her cooked meal on two plates. Hesitantly she approached the Ravenclaw girl. Her dirty blonde hair messy and unkept. Ginny arranged the loose strands away from Luna's eyes before removing her blindfold.

"Luna!" She murmured while on her knees. "Do you hear me?"

Luna Lovegood blinked. Unable to express disapproval, joy or sadness - her facial expressions frozen in place.

"Do you want something to eat?"

Luna blinked again.

Ginny removed her mouth gag, bracing herself for a barrage of insults. But none came. "You can't speak?"

Another sad blink.

It was unclear if it was possible to even feed Luna, her mouth possibly immobilized by magic. Deciding to try it, she poured small pieces of food in Luna’s mouth, and as if by a miracle Luna’s mouth moved.

"Alright sweetie, can you swallow? Great!"

"Oh…" Luna’s mouth was completely dry, making Ginny hurry to the tap to get a glass of water. It took several minutes for them to clear the plate. Her emotions a wild whirlwind stuck between satisfaction and unease.

Blaise was next and she could not hide her distaste. _I sense malice in him. I sense a snake._

Yet she couldn't just stand up and ignore him. Wanting to be good, wanting to be a caring person and to help those who can't help themselves. Her memories frozen in the last summer before Hogwarts. Before Tom had touched her.

Without looking at the older boy she removed Blaise's blindfold and mouth-gag. He was blinking rapidly at her.

"I brought you some food. Do you want any?" She asked in mock indifference. Without waiting for a reply, she fed him several mouthfuls.

_This is wrong. This whole thing is wrong._

_What am I doing?_

She kept asking herself in concern, pulling the blindfolds back down.

"I hope you enjoyed it." Her own voice rung out twisted and hollow.

Whilst rising to clean the plates something clicked in her mind. Her subconscious connected the loud thud to a sound she had heard before.

_The front doors!_

In full realization of who she was about to see, Ginny Weasley turned towards the dark corridor.

Draco Malfoy stood calmly in the doorway. Smartly dressed, he had just put away his coat. His facial expression neutral and guarded. It was clear he had observing her for several minutes.

Their eyes locked. His cold gray pupils boring into her brown one's. She had waited to meet him all day, choosing her attire, working tirelessly in the kitchen.

But now finally meeting him, she wanted to escape.

"Draco?" Her voice trembled. "Why are they chained up to the radiators?"

He did not respond.

"Why am I here?"

"Ginevra, you are experiencing retrograde amnesia.” His every word was carefully crafted like in a trial.

“It's part of the side effect profile for your medication."

_What medication?_

More recent memories were starting to overflow her mind. _The ritual, Voldemort's soul… the sacrifice._

"I missed you."

Her words were out before she could censor herself. Embarrassed she looked down at the floor. These newfound recollections taxing her mentally. She felt tired and emotionally numb. Wanting to be anywhere, but here. _I want to disappear. I want to hide._

"Ginny!" His voice was begging for her to pay attention.

"I'm sorry."

_I can't do this right now._

Driven by shock and anxiety she turned in a half-run towards the stairs. Wishing to be back in her room. Away from Draco Malfoy. _I remember everything. You remind me too much of all that we've done._

_All that I've done._

Another loud thud filled her ears as she bolted her room doors shut firmly from inside. Wildly pacing around the room, her gaze stopped at her own bag. "My only possession here in this…" _Wherever this is._

Grabbing the bag roughly, she emptied its content onto her bed. Trying to grasp for any shreds of normalcy, to anything that could reassure her she was fine.

Bags of unused potions ingredients, several sleeping vials and three distinct books were now cluttering her neatly arranged bed. However, all her possessions felt alien in these surroundings.

Feverishly she grabbed for the filled vials and emptied several of them without thinking. Without judging herself. This was a time to forget. To not care and to not think. The onset for the sleeping draughts was twenty minutes away. Just twenty minutes separated her from absolute calmness and carefree indifference. But these thoughts did not soothe her. _I'm revolting. Reality is always somehow too much for me. _

Her coldly calculating mind was making estimations about how long the inventory at hand will suffice. _I must get messed up to even face him. How pathetic._

In agitation, trying to subvert her thoughts into pleasant ones, she grabbed the first book in front of her.

It was the ritual textbook.

She now recalled the whole undertaking. The murders she had witnessed Voldemort commit. Tom Riddle's taunts about her hidden motives and malice. The innocent person she had killed.

She threw the ritual book away immediately, picking up the next book to calm down.

The plain exterior confused her momentarily. As she opened the front covers small elegant handwriting bore into the pages in black ink.

_‘Hello, Ginevra! It’s so pleasant to see you again.’_

_‘You know me. This is your old best friend, Tom Riddle.’_

_‘Anything in particular on your mind today? Perhaps fancy a trip down memory-‘_

She shrieked horribly, throwing the diary of Tom Riddle against the windows. The book bounced to the floor and crumpled in a messy heap.

Her shrieks had summoned footsteps. Somebody had arrived outside her doors. She could see and hear the doorknob turn. But the doors were locked.

"GINNY! IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?" She could hear Draco's muffled concern.

"Everything's fine!" Ginny lied in a half-yell back, trying to suppress her horror.

"Go away!"

_Go away?_

_Was that really the first thing that came to my mind? How about 'come back later'? I'm embarrassing myself._

_Breathe in, breathe out! _She repeated to herself while the footsteps drummed away into a foreign bedroom opposite from her own.

_That diary. Never. Again._

Her imagination was on fire. It took considerable effort to convince herself the diary is not going to turn into Voldemort.

"I'm safe!" She felt the need to say that aloud.

"I'm safe here!"

The last book laying on her now messy bed was vaguely familiar. Picking it up she relished in the mundaneness of the title. '_Ancient Runes: A modern approach. Year 1850. Third edition'_

Tentatively, as if expecting an attacker to burst through the doors any second, she sat down on the cluttered bed. This was the book given to her by Dumbledore. Perhaps after Remus never-ending prodding the headmaster had finally decided to pass it on. At Ancient Runes she had been the most gifted student in at least the last decade. A fact Professor Bathsheda Babbling never forgot to remind to the class.

The reason it was now in her bag was pure chance. During the night of the ritual, she had forgotten to throw it inside her trunk. This lucky break now seemed as a great foresight. It was a familiar item in a completely alien environment. The book reminding her of who she was before the ritual. The clothes she now wore were not hers. Nor was her bed.

_Or anything around me right now. This book is my only connection back._

_Back… back to a place I hated much more. This is unfamiliar, but I do have hope. Hope I’ve not had for years since childhood._

The onset was now just mere minutes away. The sleeping draughts were inevitable to kick in and she could not wish for their salvation to come soon enough.

Opening the large tome of advanced magic at a random fold, she started to browse around. The arcane drawings of intricate diagrams calmed her mind. They were years above her learning, but she could discern bits and pieces. Gradually engaging her exploring imagination to piece together increasingly complex examples provided in the numerous illustrations.

Dumbledore must’ve forgotten the difficulty level, because the deeper she dug into the descriptions, the less sense they made. However, it was a schoolbook. An ancient one, but still a schoolbook, nevertheless. _Nowadays the curriculum is so dumbed down._

Paging back to the beginning, she found comfort in these simple mechanical actions. The introduction albeit archaic, inspired some hope for understanding the introductory exercises.

The unexpectedly difficult reading material failed to push out more concerning thoughts and her solace was cut short. _The ritual extracted the horcrux I had carried inside me. It was part of me for years. All the learning I did… in Potions, in Ancient Runes._

_Voldemort's genius, however tiny, imparted in me must’ve played a part. Now, with it gone…_

"Am I the same person anymore?" She murmured to herself. "I could not remember anything hours ago."

_And If I've changed… back to who I was before Tom… will he still like me?_

_Now that I'm 'fixed'?_

Footsteps followed by two loud knocks.

"Draco, is that you?"

"Can I come in?" He asked politely, his voice barely audible through the stone doors. His intonation nothing like his previous concerned yell.

_Come in!_

But she couldn't materialize her thoughts into words. Too scared of sudden rejection, her mind was still muddled.

"I'm about to take a bath!" She yelled back in fake confidence. "It's quite late."

There was a prolonged pause. Ginny craved for him to come in, to magically unlock the doors and greet her despite her instructions. She imagined their conversation restarting from the beginning, as if she had never run away in the first place.

"Goodnight, Ginevra." His reply was soft.

At that moment she felt lonelier than she had ever felt in her life.

Twenty minutes had passed, and the sleeping draughts were kicking in, gradually lessening the intensity of her emotional whirlwind. At this point the book was now too difficult to decipher. She stared outside the window, surveying the far away marsh. It had rained and the long lighting from the first floor stretched far away into the grassy fields.

_If only there was a small pond there, how beautiful would that be._

A yawn overcame her. Produced by synthetic potions interacting with her brain chemistry.

"I'm all sweaty." _I guess I’ll take the bath after all._ The ancient runes book landed back in her bed silently as she stood up and proceeded to explore the adjoined bathroom.

Minimalist, but sophisticated, the room was magically enlarged. The bathtub was spacious and comfortable looking, and with her intoxication rising she could finally genuinely smile as the sizzling water poured over her naked body. The feeling of hot running water blissful, carefree and sleepy.

Her emotions were swept away by the steam that soon evaporated to engulf the room. More rational thoughts were starting to prevail. Draco had most likely dealt with some important business the entire day. Perhaps taking care of the house, finances or their living arrangements.

_He must’ve had taken care of me when I was ill. Most likely for days… oh, Draco!_

In shame she found it difficult to let her eyes stay open in the mist. It was easier to close them, pretending that she had not ran away, pretending she had not hurt him. As the guilt did not subside her fantasies tried to carry her onto action. _I have to apologize. He was so polite, so kind._

After his soft goodnight, she had heard the door to his room closing. _I don’t have__ much time._ Her addiction was both a blessing and a curse. Only because of it she was now able to conjure enough bravery to approach. Sober she would be left paralyzed, unable to make the first move. But in this state that fear was gone.

Shivering against the cold bathroom tiles, Ginny dressed herself, merely exchanging her undergarments for fresh ones from the wardrobe.

Unbolting her locked doors, she exited still barefoot into the glum corridor. Quietly standing directly in front of Draco’s bedroom, many questions and doubts inundated her.

_What if he doesn't want to be disturbed? What if I make it worse?_

Almost as if preparing for an unannounced first date, she bolted back to her wardrobe mirror. Straightening her dress and arranging her wet hair as best as she could. Emboldened and hopeful, she performed two loud knocks.

No response.

Not wanting to knock again, but to speak directly instead, she hesitantly and delicately opened the stone portal. The light in Draco's room was still on. He had not gone to sleep. Instead he was looking outside his window, immersed in whatever he was looking at. There were papers thrown onto his desk and it looked like he had been writing.

Without coming closer so as to not disturb him, she whispered. "I'm sorry."

Surprised by her voice, he turned. His eyes darted from her face to her dress, and finally landed at her bare feet. He had not taken off his clothes and was still in unusually formal attire.

_Why am I always so attracted to him that I can’t think straight?_

His gray eyes bored into her as he approached.

"I was gone all day." His response was quick, but subdued.

"I know." She looked down, losing her attention. The sentence had ended with an unforeseen hurt in her voice.

"You were out for more than a week, hallucinating horribly. You had started to sleep well only for the few past days. I was there all the time... If I had known, you’d wake up-"

The energy between them was uncomfortably intense.

"Did you find anything to eat?" She interrupted him, desperately trying to steer their conversation back into something she felt comfortable in.

“Yes.” He smiled.

She nodded at him. “Good.”

“You made it?”

“What’s with the incredulity in your voice?”

“My mother never cooks.” To her amusement, Draco was struggling to form a sentence. “The houselves, I was expecting to get-“

“Expect me to do the cleaning as well?” She scolded him. “As a good little house-elf?”

“No!” Draco was apologetic. “The ministry supervision-”

“I’m joking!” Ginny cut him off laughing. “I know about the house-elf supervision. We’ll do the cleaning together. I’ll cook.”

“I can help.” His tone was affirmative and sweet.

“Well, maybe if I’ll find a place for you.” She laughed. “Feeding all those brothers of mine. I’ve come to know it’s often faster by myself.”

“Do you like the house?”

“Yeah.” She beamed back in honest astonishment. “It’s so cozy. If we could get the fireplace running, and…” Her thoughts trailed off about exploration, but more so about Draco’s bedroom. It was bigger than hers and she could clearly imagine various scenarios that involved both of them.

"Why are there so many muggle appliances here?"

_At least I did not blurt out something more stupid._

"It's from my mother's side… it's quite a long story-"

"Better told over breakfast?"

"Yeah." He shuffled his feet, searching for a way to continue the conversation. Her unexpected escape in the living room still lingered on their minds, but neither wanted to relive it.

Sensing his discomfort, she grabbed his hand. “Come!”

“Where to?” His protest was weak, and his body did not resist as she pulled him out of his room.

Exiting Draco’s bedroom for a split-second she considered the possibility of taking him to her own room. _No… not today._

_Even if that simple act would solve everything for tonight._

Instead she proceeded through the dark corridor and stairwell downstairs. Stopping in the living room as she suddenly remembered something. “Draco-“

"Is this about the prisoners?" His voice was dark and guarded.

"Yes… No!" She could not make up her mind. "No, we can talk about that tomorrow morning. Wait here, I forgot something!"

Quickly she bolted back to her own bedroom, forcing the stone portal open and echoing the illumination charm. There she picked up the book that had been thrown and crumpled against the floor. With the diary of Tom Riddle in her hands she returned.

Unexpectedly emboldened, she grabbed Draco’s hand once more, and carefully steered him ever so unwillingly towards the basement.

“Do you-“ Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, he failed to finish the question.

Without listening to him she dragged him further, now opening the cold metallic basement doors.

"Lumos!"

They descended the concrete stairwell into the murky coldness. As she shivered, Draco's soled feet made loud clunking noises against the stone tiles. She could feel increased resistance as she pulled him down to the basement level, but he remained silent and did not seem intent to stop her outright.

Letting go of his warm fingers was painful to her. The white marble floor was scrubbed clean by magic. It reflected the fluorescent illumination coming from the cramped ceiling.

_Our morgue._

The two corpses were in the exact same position she had left them in. Frozen and thrown on top of each other.

Just by the drainage pipes there were small pools of dried blood.

Indifferently, she sat down in a cross-legged position just yards away from the bodies, pushing her skirt underneath her legs for comfort. Sitting as back in Hogwarts, by the Blake Lake in nights of unrest together.

Sliding her hands against the ground, this time there was no soft grass. Cold stone tiles were interspersed with concrete. The walls of their morgue were covered by sparse metallic cupboards, and she feared what horrible instruments were locked inside.

Draco's eyes bore into her back. He had remained standing just inches away from her back. _I can smell his hair from here. So, calming._

But as she inhaled for more, Ginny coughed back the urge to throw up_. _

“The corpses.”_ Rotting away. _

Closing her eyes in meditative silence she sought for the right words, her internal struggles were murky and hard to articulate. "When I woke up this morning… that seems so long ago-"

She coughed again, the freezing air had inflamed her throat.

"I had forgotten everything. All the years of carrying Voldemort's soul blocked from my memory."

"I felt ecstatic, at peace… in the breeze outside-"

"You went outside?"

She briefly turned to look at him. Draco was gazing down at her and smiling.

"The day was so beautiful. The meadow-" Her thoughts trailed off. "Like the girl I was before Hogwarts."

"I waited for you all day, Draco."

"I was-"

"No." She whispered. "When you came… everything shattered. I remembered Hogsmeade, the ritual. Luna-"

"All those years of carrying that horcrux." Newfound vitriol was fueling her words. "An imprint placed by your father."

For the first time, he squeezed her shoulder. This gentle touch barely appeasing her rising anger.

"WE MUST DESTORY THE DIARY!”

"I can't let it ruin any more lives. I can't let it ruin me again. I can't let it ruin you."

_I'm scared I might use it… that I might NEED it. _An idea so terrifying she kept it to herself.

With malice and disregard, Ginny threw the weathered book onto the marble floor. It opened, and soon black words inked themselves onto the dirty pages.

_‘Ginevra, Draco! I’m so glad to see you as one. The pleasure is all mine, of course.’_

Draco leaned over her shoulder, trying to see better.

_‘You must be here to seek guidance. You know how powerful I am, you know what treasures I have in store. Join me, join me in this quest. This quest… for ultimate power.’_

_‘Isn’t that the dream of both of you? Isn’t that the dream of everyone who is not afraid to tell the truth?’_

Reflexively, her hand shot up towards Draco’s shoulder, and he clenched her tightly.

"Calm down, Gin."

_I like when you call me that. _Her body was trembling, and she could not manage to say it aloud.

He leaned over to shut the book and take it away from her.

_It means you care._

"It's only a book." His reply appearing firm and authoritative, and the certainness in his voice making her doubt her plans.

"I know." She tried to curb her rising panic by biting her lip, but the sensation of pain was too weak and unconvincing. "I can't let it hurt anybody ever again. We must get rid of it, Draco. We must destroy it."

He kneeled beside her. "Gin, we can't destroy it."

"WHY?" She begged him, her half-scream involuntary.

"It must be returned to the Dark Lord."

She wanted Draco to let go of her.

_Why won't you help me?_

His words were terrorizing her.

"NO!” Overcome by panic, she struggled to get free from him. “DRACO!"

Ginny felt as if she was suffocating, that every breath she took was empty, and no air was being sucked in.

_I can't breathe!_

“Calm down.”

_I’m going to die_

"Calm down!" In alarm, he tried to hold her.

“I CAN’T BREATHE, DRACO. I CAN’T-“ His arms were wrapped around her body and neck. She struggled out as hard as she could, but he was not letting her go.

“You are speaking, that means you are breathing.”

“We can’t destroy the diary.” He continued, now more hurriedly. “But we can get rid of it.”

"How?"

_He’s right. I can breathe._

"Once returned, the diary will not leave his sight ever again.” Draco was still holding her struggling frame, trying to rock her back and forth

_I'm not dying. This is a panic attack. If I can speak, I can breathe._

"Nothing like what happened to you will ever be possible." He spoke quickly, continuing to tenderly rock sideways in his arms. Using his fingers to distract her mind from her panicked thoughts.

"Once there…" Draco continued, feeling her tension lessen. "The diary won't harm anybody ever again."

"You promise?" She barely choked out the question, tears welling unexpectedly in her eyes as the panic slowly subsided.

"I promise."

Wanting to believe him with every cell of her being, she let go of her struggle and collapsed backwards against him. Now, both of them on the marble floor, her face buried in Draco's shoulder.

"Don't cry. You’re strong."

"I'm not crying." She replied in muffled whispers.

"I know I'm safe."

Her sharp breathing gradually slowed. They had never embraced like this, never so desperately. Recollections from her odd day haphazardly entered her mind. Exploring the house, the ludicrous wardrobe, cooking for several hours. Complete carelessness turning into outright horror.

Bit by bit she realized this will be her life now. For however long it will take, living together. Her soul in an alien state, in an alien world.

"Let's go to sleep." She broke the silence, sensing minutes had passed.

"I think I'm alright now."

Lost in their own contemplative worlds, and still hand in hand, they made their way out of the basement. Right along Luna and Blaise, and up the final stairwell to the second-floor corridor.

Just now, she was realizing the gravity of their situation. They were alone in their own house. No rules, no punishments, and their relationship no longer a secret.

"Do you want to…" Ginny struggled to finish the question. "Go to your room?"

They were standing at the crossroads between each other’s bedrooms. The question making them turn to face each other. Draco was taller than her and she had to look up.

"You need to rest." He replied under his breath.

"I do." She could feel her own eyelids closing in tiredness. "Let's talk tomorrow."

Her mind was both unsettled and filled with anticipatory excitement.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Draco."

Bolting her bedroom doors automatically, she sighed at the view of her self-vandalized room. The mechanical actions of cleaning and arranging items back into their proper places calmed her nerves and tired her body for rest. As she turned off the lights, the moon illuminated the long overdue first falling snowflakes of the winter.


	18. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 3

Birds chirping. Ginny opened her eyes. Complete darkness. The small antique clock, she had found while cleaning, indicated the time harshly. _A quarter past seven. And it's still dark? I don't understand birds in the winter… why chirp if it's all dark?_

Each day sunrise was postponed by several minutes. Even without knowing the date, she knew the winter solstice was near.

_Almost Christmas... I invited Anne to celebrate with my family. I wonder how that’ll work out._

This startling question awoke her. For the first time in weeks she felt well-rested. This morning was nothing like yesterday. It was pitch dark.

"Lumos!" She got up to find her clothes.

"Ughh… no sun in the winter, how depressing. What… about one more hour until sunrise? The dawn should appear any moment now. I suppose that the sky color could be called very veeeery dark blue."

_Maybe just black?_

Yawning, she considered her alien surroundings once more. _I'm talking aloud, but I don't understand the stigma associated with it. Who cares?_ But she knew people did care. _I can't look nutty to Draco, or he'll send me to an institution himself._

She spent several minutes pacing around the room, searching for her usual jeans and sweater. They were nowhere to be found. The majestic wardrobe from yesterday saluted her with it's never ending supply of knee-length and ankle-length dresses. "Is this a joke? More dresses? Even for breakfast?"

_No A-Lines today._

At first, Ginny tried to not bother, putting as little effort as she could into her choices. However, the fact that she was now completely alone with Draco changed matters. Now in their own home, it made a difference how she looked.

At Hogwarts they had been segregated in separate parts of the castle. Contemplating these intricacies, she rubbed her temple in thought. Finally, deciding on a blue crisscross strapless dress.

"Ughh.. I hate when my dormmates wear strapless… but it kinda suits me…" She shrugged, combing her hair straight with a brush.

This one-piece dress perplexed her. It was modern, but from a time when women wore only skirts. _Enough going barefoot._ She noted and picked up sunflower flip flops.

The mechanical process of arranging her outfit calmed her. Soon, her mind arrived at more productive topics. The next tasks where springing up to be completed and a to-do list was forming in her head. “I’m gonna make breakfast. For Draco…he said he liked my cooking.”

_Was he genuine or merely polite?_

Ginny had never been fond of breakfast. Neither at home, nor at school. Her digestive system was uncommonly weak, capable of taking only a single full-sized meal a day. "I do have to make something for him. Earl Grey tea for me. Do we even have everything?"

_The cupboards were surprisingly stocked for dinner, but I'm not sure about breakfast._

She was half-way down the stairs as she remembered something. _I must check in on him! To make sure he's asleep..._ _to check if he's still here._

Deciding not to knock, the stone doors to Draco's room made no noise as she pulled them open. There he lay, his naked chest only half-covered by white bedsheets.

His hair was thrown messily on the pillows and it looked like his sleep had been troubled.

Mesmerized, Ginny stared at him. Having the opportunity to see him half-naked for the first time. To be able to stare at him without worrying of looking weird. _He had the opportunity when I fell asleep in the potions chamber… _

"I could’ve been laying there..." _With him, right now._ The idea both astounding and terrifying her.

_Gosh! I'm so insecure._

There are many personalities within us. Some grown, but others suppressed. She had always suppressed her sexual side.

Her fantasies now sprung up unwelcome and deviant. _No, I’m nothing like my disgusting dormmates. I’m…_ _different. But different how?_ Instead she had tried to rationalize her sexuality, suppressing the loss of innocence a simple practicality. But now standing at the precipice, the possibility horrified her.

_Isn't there a reason nature marks every woman once?_

"It has to be done right." Her whisper was too loud for her liking, she did not want to wake him. _Like everything I'm responsible for right now. Everything has to be done right._

"Another thing I have to plan out and execute." She sighed, now murmuring the words inaudibly.

However, this sentence made her feel weaker. There was an inkling that it was not true. This was no simple engineering task. No Ancient Runes homework.

_That saying… 'making love'... for the first time, is it starting to make sense? _

"What if he doesn't want me?" She whispered in horror, considering Draco's obsessions with the dark arts.

"What if I'm not enough? What if he rejects me?"

Afraid even her whispers could wake him, she decided to keep her muddled thoughts to herself. _What if he finds out that I'm not the right girl for him? My inability to satisfy him destroying our relationship._

Her dormmates had talked about that happening. Her anxiety was rising. The fear of being rejected when most vulnerable. Being rejected when offering everything.

Being rejected for your virtues, being rejected when putting your best foot forward. It hurts so much more than not trying, so much more than self-sabotage_. With sabotage? I’m in control._

_Stop! _She tried to force herself away onto something else. "Let's make breakfast! I have to meditate."

Not wanting to look at Draco anymore, afraid his distraught facial expressions were directed at her, she closed the stone doors and headed downstairs. Again alone, she continued to talk aloud. "Remus would be so angry at me. All these delusions I'm having..."

Deciding to go through with the twenty-minute option right away, she summoned dim lighting in the living room, and sat down cross-legged on the magically heated wooden floor. It looked like he would be out for at least an hour or so.

Closing her eyes, she emptied her mind. Practicing the most basic meditation ritual. Being the sole subject in her mind. With the only purpose to observes ideas in her mind. This was a flawed method. One which did not admit that the subject itself was not real.

_As Remus said, ‘The ultimate freedom in making decisions is realizing we have no free will, Ginevra. There is no self. It's all an illusion. Once you're there - it will all be clear to you.’_

But a healthy sense of self was needed to understand that. She doubted she ever would. Being carried by her thoughts, by her desires was much easier. Taken from one idea to the next, from one emotion to another. _Like a rat doing the forced swimming tests. Taking one breathe at a time, one reflexive muscle spasm away from drowning. Muggles are so cruel with their experiments._

_Making their feel-good pills from torturing animals. No wonder they don’t work. Some… universal karma._

_Breathe. Return gently to the breath._

But thoughts kept shifting in her troubled mind. Each time she returned back to her breath; a runaway train of fantasy had carried her somewhere already for minutes. The faces of her friends and family returned to her. Everything suppressed always surfaced. _Let go. Do not follow that thought. Do not hold on to that feeling. There’s time for them and there’s time, even if for a moment, to let go._

The alarm rung. She had finally found her wand, and the ear shattering roar signaled the end of the practice. "I have to do this more often." She whispered with her eyes still closed. Mediation was nothing like sleep. Sleep was filled with nightmares, people repeating phrases and the same stupid words over and over again. Meditation cleared all of those, presenting to her infinite empty space.

Opening her eyes, still cross-legged on the living room floor, she noticed that just in front of her were the two prisoners. _I'm sorry, I don't have time for you. Not right now. He has to have his reasoning._

Stretching out her legs to return blood flow, she stuttered to the kitchen. Clean and polished looking counters and cupboards. Distractedly, she wondered if anybody had ever lived here for more than a week. Inspecting the muggle refrigerator, she had possessed at home, she found numerous quintessential breakfast foods. "I can't believe this kitchen is so stocked. And I'm still too nauseous to eat."

"Where is the kettle?"

After uncovering diverse types of black tea, she proceeded to cook breakfast. The process of preparing a bacon, egg and cheese casserole was familiar, awarding welcome responsibility. It was one of the few rituals in her family she felt receptive to. A part of the archetypal family life she had observed at home. Her actions with pans and pots were mechanical. At every instant, her mind assessing her newfound role in these surroundings.

_Who am I supposed to be? _She struggled in her mental turmoil. _For how long are we living together? What is the plan for tomorrow? How about today?_

Feeling increasingly left in dark by Draco, she still continued to work. Soon, Ginny remembered about their disagreement. The question about what to do with the diary. Desperately, she wanted to destroy it. Albeit agreeing to Draco's idea yesterday - she did not like it at all.

_He took the book away from me._

The aroma of food and hot tea must have woken him up because she could soon hear Draco bouncing down the stairs. She turned away from the stove and observed him in plain jeans and a tight black shirt. _Why does he get to dress like he wants?_

"Good morning!" She half-squeaked.

He returned her greeting with a smile. "You up already?" Amusement and confusion both etched on his face.

_I'm completely lost in his emotional landscape._

"For how long was I out?" She barely managed to suppress her yawn.

"Still not enough?" His smirk was infectious.

"No..." She laughed back. "I'm making breakfast."

He approached her, sitting down at the kitchen table. But in his every move there was a certain level of uncertainty, still confident, but not sure what to say or do.

"Something's wrong?"

"No." Draco tried to normalize his posture, trying to appear more at ease. “I’m just not sure what to make of-“

"Me doing my job?" She smirked, but her words lingered in both of their minds.

“Well… it’s not a job, what I meant-“

“I know what you meant.”

As she turned back to chopping vegetables, she could feel his eyes boring into her back. "What were you eating when I was out?"

"The local village has a restaurant. It's more like a cafe."

_I wonder what my family would think about a restaurant for breakfast-_

"How long was I asleep?"

Echoes from her chopping bounced off the walls as he considered the question.

"Seven days exact."

"You brought food with you?" Disjointed ideas were clicking into place as she turned to face him.

"Yeah. There is a small grocery store in the village. Why are you grimacing?"

"Nothing." Ginny smirked. "I just wondered… how did you even know what food to buy."

"I might be-" He began half-annoyed, but his annoyance faded into amused. "Never mind."

“Never mind?”

“Never mind.”

Having everything ready she served Draco breakfast. Herself choosing small bits and pieces she considered her digestive system was up to. "Here you go."

They had never eaten at the same table before. Segregated into different houses, her interactions with Draco at breakfast were restricted to nervous glances she hoped he would not notice. It was hard for her to discern if there was nervous tension between them.

There was so much to talk about. So many uncomfortable lies and secrets, but she did not want to bring up the prisoners._ Not now._

"How do you know this house?"

"It's from my mother's side of the family." He answered, clearly glad about her choice of topic. "One of her cousins was a squib. As a pureblood family it was unacceptable, and she was stowed away. That's why we have these muggle appliances."

"That makes sense." She wanted the conversation to keep going. For it to flow like they had been best friends since childhood. Like it did in her dreams. "What happened to her?"

Sighing darkly, he turned to look outside the glass windows. "She was very young when it was clear she had no magic in her at all. She was-"

“Ostracized?”

“No. Well, of course. But the main reason was that she was suicidal.”

"Oh-"

"They did not tell me where they brought her at the end. My father… he disliked impurities in the family."

“They…” He hesitated, somehow regretting he had started the sentence. “Impurities disgust him.”

Somehow a neutral topic had turned very personal. _Stowed away like me. Alone and ostracized because there is something wrong with you. Something you have no control over, something that perhaps might even be a gift._

"Did you sleep well?" She stuttered out the question, struggling to regain mundane normalcy.

"Yeah." Draco replied at once, leaving the impression she had been lost in thought.

Looking at Draco, anyone would’ve been able to tell he had experienced recent insomnia. _Why is he lying to me? An automatic reply? Why doesn't he trust me?_

“Yesterday I tried to see if I can sort through any estate questions-“

"Draco?" Her interruption was more of a question. "Are you sure you slept well?"

He looked down, as if caught in a lie, but not wanting to admit it. Ginny had no idea what to make of the situation. She wanted it to be carefree and friendly, but obstacles were arising by themselves.

“No… it doesn’t matter”

“I-“ He wanted to say something.

“What were you doing yesterday? What estate?” She laughed at him. "You can't have possibly entered Gringotts. We’re both missing."

"There are unbreakable vows with several underground cashiers. My father… he let me in with the family estate very early. How wrong-"

"Did everything work out?" Was everything she wanted to know, cutting him from going into any details. Surprised, he could only nod.

As if nudged by unspoken agreement, they shifted their conversations away from any painful topics. There was something about their polite conversation that made her ecstatic, they were finally talking to each other as two people should, as nature had intended. No longer with witty aggression or passive avoidance.

Overtaken by the beauty of the house, in intricate detail Ginny explained what she liked about the interior design. In return Draco talked about his mother. Despite his father’s wishes, at least half of the room in the manor had been redesigned or reorganized. It was easy for her to imagine Narcissa always alone, her only occupation ordering servants around.

“I started to think about Harry-” Draco’s death stare cut her off. “I mean about the whole Trio. What they’re doing back there. Trying to-”

“Plot more ways to do harm?”

His rude response stunned her. “No… I-“

But Draco’s face softened, it was clear she was not looking for conflict.

"They might’ve lost their minds.” She tried to show compassion and belonging in her smile. _I’m no longer with them._

_Trust me._

Various theories were formed for how the Gryffindors were handling themselves. She laughed as he imitated Professor Snape yelling at Harry and tried to come up with puns about the Slytherins in return.

“You’re horrible at jokes.” Draco was contemplative.

“Thanks.”

“Are we that arrogant?”

His question stupefied her. “And what do you think?”

He returned her giggle with a smile and the conversation continued.

The pitch darkness that had enveloped the house since her wake-up was gone. An early winter morning could be seen outside the glass windows. The dim light she had summoned was still on in the living room. At least two hours had passed since then, and now the first rays of sunshine were sparkling against her back and on Draco’s face. Intermittently she refilled their teacups non-magically.

Breakfast had turned out much better than she had expected. It was nothing like Hogwarts. Usually, she did not participate in gossip or idle speculation – her extroversion mostly squashed and suppressed, but now she felt that side of her blossoming. Her shells being shed unwillingly as they continued deep into irrelevant topics of no consequence.

"What kind of a question is that? I don’t have a favorite color. Draco, do you think I’m six?"

But there was something heart-warming even about the question. She teased him back about liking only black, and in that teasing for so many moments in time nothing else mattered. Time disappeared, and she realized what had happened only later. As the plates clunk beneath her palms as she washed them non-magically in the sink.

Draco was still behind her and somehow their chatter still rung in her ears, even as they had finished their meal and were now standing by themselves in silence.

"At a loss for words?" _I am. No. _"I have an idea."

"What is it?" There was unwelcome apprehension in his face, but Draco tried to hide it under a smile. Ginny appreciated the gesture.

"I want to go to the village." Her sentence began as a question but ended as a solid request.

"You sure? It’s more than an hour's walk.”

"I think I can handle some physical exercise." She smirked at him.

Something about that reply amused him, even as the request seemed to have thrown him off balance. “We’ll see. Do you want to go right now?"

"I have to get dressed! Can't traverse the countryside in flip-flops."

Picking up a leather looking jacket, she did not remember him owning, Draco left the living room and exited through the front doors. Her excitement for the trip was mixed. She did not want to look at the two prisoners. It was no use. _Not now. What was it… willful blindness? Then I’m complicit._

As she turned back towards the glass wall, Draco could be seen doing light exercise a few yards from the meadow. Back at Hogwarts his statements about exercising early had escaped her attention, it did not seem important. _It’s his form of meditation._ _What I did with Remus, he was doing alone._

_Sometimes we seem so similar._

Even with the limited amount of martial arts she was aware of, it was clear he needed a partner.

As she observed him stretching and holding poses, it was harder and harder to let her eyes wonder. This moment in time felt precious and she did not know what will happen tomorrow or even an hour from now. _Will I be able to be with him? To even see him? We might be separated… we might separate ourselves._

_His meditation makes him stronger. Unlike me… look at how weak I've become._

Forcing herself away from gawking, she headed upstairs. "How do I dress?"

Her eyes kept averting themselves from the imposing piece of furniture. The wardrobe full of summery dresses, as if autumn or winter never came. _In the wizarding world in many ways it doesn’t, but I can’t go out scaring muggles, not today._

Once again lost, she found herself looking at him from upstairs. The snowflakes from last night had melted, there was no snow, but only wet grass. _How about that gray knit poncho? I’ve never wore one._

After tying her hair in a side pony, she applied some make-up. Her wand was hard to maneuver, and she was not used to the process, but the extra touches tied together her look. “Why can’t I just not give a shit like back at Hogwarts?”

_What a stupid question. Shut up._

Her irritation made her anxious. In depth she considered each of the conversation topics they had bought up during breakfast, how his face had changed, how she had responded. Many intricate episodes replaying in her mind, as if any mistakes would ruin everything.

Some of the lightness was still there, the carefree atmosphere still lingering in her soul. The images of Draco sleeping entered her mind, just as she had seen him this morning – serene and beautiful.

_He said there’s a cafe there. Maybe a store. I want to make this night different._

Whilst exchanging her sandals for very muggle looking sneakers, she tried her damndest to force out the word ‘sex’ from her mind. It was poison to her. Pulling her in two different directions, one familiar and one unknown, one seductively exciting and the other distortedly horrifying.

The sick culture back at Hogwarts, her degenerate dormmates – they made it all sound so easy. So disgustingly unimportant. _But I think it’s a lie. A lie they tell themselves to feel better. What they’re doing, their open market sexuality… it’s not right. We all know it’s not right._

_So why am I participating? Why are these now ‘my’ fantasies? _

But her angry confidence was now replaced by insecurity. They had barely talked this morning, her doubts signaled that he could reject her. _‘Men will fuck anything’. _A generic voice from one of her dormmates appeared in her head. _Shut up. Let’s go._

Once outside, she waited for Draco to finish a lap around the large grasslands field. He approached her more unhurriedly, taking way too much time to look at her than she felt comfortable with.

"Can we go?" She murmured under his intense eye contact.

“Yes.” His reply turned into a cough.

“You look sweaty. Draco, we have to be fit, no coughing!”

“It’s too cold outside for sweat.” His reply was unconvincing. “I’ll be fine.”

_You don’t want me to worry?_

“You’re going to have to shower.” She stated sheepishly. “I won’t-“

“Alright.” He nodded, cutting off her reply, but only after momentarily pausing to take another look at her.

_This is all too intense. Is he expecting me to finish that sentence?_

“You won’t what?”

_What did I even want to say?_

“I grew up with six sweaty brothers and my dad. It’s enough male hormones for a decade.”

“Just for a decade?”

“Very funny, Draco. Let’s go. I just want you to smell nice.” _Was that too much?_ “What did you say about the Ministry during breakfast? For how long can we stay here?”

“By consensus it’s now considered a deatheater raid.” His shoulders grew more relaxed as they exited the main gates and began walking. “A special task unit has been created.”

“A task unit?”

“They call it ‘Task Unit Bruiser’, but it’s just a name.” He hesitated.

“Doesn’t sound like ‘just a name’, who’s in it?”

“Regular aurors… some mobilized out of retirement. Scrimgeour is fuming.”

“The minister is involved? I guess the dark mark helped.”

“Yes, it did. It made them understand that only someone very close to Voldemort could have done it.” He continued without pause. “The minister has to be-“

“Very close?” She interrupted, increasingly uncomfortable. _Inner circle?_

“I have the yesterday’s ‘Daily Prophet’ in my room.”

“I’ll look at it when we get back.” Understanding his urge to postpone this conversation, she agreed.

_When I'm in your room. _She felt shocked at where her imagination was leading. _Can't I for one moment think about something serious instead of self-obsessed insecurities and desires?_

"The whole of Hogwarts was searched. The ‘Order of The Phoenix’ was mentioned by Dumbledore. Wasn't it beneath a pact of secrecy?"

"I'm not sure it ever was secret... just operated by itself, I guess." She mused. "They never let me in on any of the meetings."

"What are they up to?" She still asked, even knowing he did not have any answers.

"Leading the search and rescue effort."

"Search and rescue...." She tested the words aloud. "Save us from ourselves?"

He smirked at her. "Can anybody do that?"

_I'm not sure Draco, I'm not sure._

“They’re part of the task unit?”

“Yes.” His response was solemn.

It did not sound right. “For how long we stay here?”

“I was waiting for you to get well, and… I have one final thing I have to reveal to you-“

“About the mission?”

He inclined his head almost unnoticeably, their conversation breaking off. Sun shone through the lousy bare trees and warmed her knit poncho. Stones wrangled beneath their feet as they marched on the gravel path, further and further away from home.

Most of her feelings faded as they walked. Both anxiety and excitement fusing into a satiated state, only her feet asking for energy to keep up. It had not been clear looking from the top window, but there were no nearby dwellings around for miles.

The path grew wider, ditches for rainwater appeared on both sides and intermittently their scenery changed as they entered a patch of forest. Draco remarked about the landscape and she found herself pleasantly agreeing to his observations. The path was likely kept by the local government and his father had arranged for them to zone out the surroundings grounds from any other occupants.

“Draco, about the diary.” Her heart sunk as she almost involuntarily let her thoughts form into words.

“Why can’t we destroy it?”

She could feel his body stiffen without looking. It was hard to suppress the urge to extend her hand. _I don’t want a fight._

“Do you need it for… the mission?”

He made a singular glance at her. Anger. She was horrified. _Why is he angry with me?_

"It's going to be as good as gone." His dismissal was cold and detached.

"We already agreed to that, Ginevra."

His intonation of her last name made her cringe inside. Her resentment was growing, slowly turning her hurt into annoyance.

_It’s my diary, Draco! It almost killed me. Why can't I get rid of it? Why do you want me to suffer knowing it keeps existing, keeps talking?_ Her bitterness was beyond words and she did not want to engage him. Instead know the trees looked much more harrow and the sun started to feel colder and colder. She could see the scenery for what it was – bare, uncultivated, and dead.

Draco looked like he was about to say something, but he restrained himself. Her temper was fading and with every passing step she felt less sure about herself. In this foreign world, her soul split from Voldemort and her mind wondering freely into places unknown. _Maybe I should just shut up. Trust him and ignore my gut._

But it felt wrong. "Can I at least get the diary back?"

"What for?"

_Am I now accountable to you?_

Draco frowned, noticing her grimace, but kept silent wishing for the topic to just go away.

“I need it for Ancient Runes work.” She lied coldly.

Lying was a weird thing, one feels wrong when one is up against truth and reality, but instead the mind chooses to discard that, trying to attain short-term gratification. “I happened to have the Ancient Runes book from Dumbledore in my bag.”

"Can't you use something else?"

"No." She now suppressed any remorse. It was not a request, it was a demand. "It's the size of the artifact. In Ancient Runes we use special tools."

_What special tools? There are no special tools. He has never been to an Ancient Runes class. _

“Take it. It’s in my room.”

_You’re room… _Now her lies felt less nice. But it was her second nature by now, an integral part of the myriad of personalities nested inside her. _I can't let him have it. I can't let him take it back. _These sudden post-hoc rationalization made her feel better, but they were lies as well and she knew it. _Is this how I envisioned this? Manipulating, lying, and scheming to get my way? In everything, with everyone._

_No tears. Those would be selfish tears. More narcissism about my own malevolence. _

His subsequent tries to restart the conversation failed. The winds had picked up and the mid-day fog made her brooding more internal. In uneasy silence they could now see the distant village. She extended her hand as a sign of reconciliation and he took it, this being their first contact since last night. _It feels days ago._

A narrower and more structured path split off for vehicles, leaving them to on a small bridge made for bicyclers. It was a picturesque town, with tall hedges and dark lamp posts. There was a hill side further out, and in her mind, she could easily imagine a waterfront. _It’s as if these towns are made from fairytales… or is it the other way around?_

Ginny stopped on the bridge made for bicyclers. Looking down she could see a small stream, flowing briskly just above sub-zero temperatures. Draco waited for her patiently as she lost herself in the flow of the water and its carefree indifference for rocks, weeds and the coming winter.

Several locals passed them with small nods. The local community appeared close-knit and sparsely populated. They’re presence was revealing, and the passing villagers struggled to place them. One a half story houses littered the path and they passed them in silence.

“Come.” She whispered, motioning towards a lake with a nearby church.

His nod was enough of a concession, and she pushed him forward.

Tingling coldness caressed her fingertips as she distractedly played with water, swiveling her hands down into the freezing lake. Draco was grimacing in disapproval.

“See?” She grinned back, pointing at her sneakers. “I’ve bent down this far so they don’t get wet.”

“The hell with it. I want to submerge my palms.”

_So, refreshing. _“Stop grimacing Draco, I will dry them with a single spell.”

“Might as well jump in and swim.” He was laughing. ”Same solution.”

“Very funny!” She laughed back only half-joking. “Oh look, Draco! There is a swan here. Still this time of the year? What will happen to her?”

He shrugged, not knowing the answer and Ginny looked back at the swan. The lake was about to freeze over. Migration patterns must’ve been disturbed by the warm autumn. There was no way the swan would survive winter. It was nature selecting out the week and maladapted.

“Did you know swans mate for life?” Her casual question lingered in the air, becoming much heavier.

_I wonder what happens when their mate dies. Do they grieve?_

“Let’s go, Ginny. It’s getting dark already. You wanted a grocery store?”

She resumed her place at Draco’s side. With crystals and incense in mind, she successfully convinced the middle-aged shopkeeper to sell her wine. _Non-alcoholic for me, and alcoholic for Draco… or should I not try to get him drunk? _It was hard to know what was right and what was wrong. It felt wrong.

With him carrying her stocked bags of food, garnets and malachites, they sat down in a small coffee shop. A chatty teenage girl served them, asking questions, and telling stories about the town. Her mother owned the place, and this was where Draco had gone for breakfast.

The sudden impulses of jealousy faded as the girl did not linger around, instead she was immersed swiping her smartphone and making funny faces at the bright flashing screen. Their stay was pleasant and heart-warming, she desperately wanted more days like these, more carefree excitement, more adventure. _More lightheadedness._

It was painful for her to let go. Their walk back had taken mere instants in her mind, the day waning, and the conversations flowing freely with their bellies full. Near home, she could see the gates. Thoughts of her responsibilities were starting to reemerge and they both found themselves entering the house in silence.

As he hung his jacket, she knew it could not be a question.

"I'm going to take the diary now. Ancient runes, remember.”

Asking permission would set a bad precedent. He hesitated, but finally nodded. “Then we’ll talk at dinner… about everything.”

_His mission? Prisoners?_

Her look was enough for Draco. “We will have to leave this place, Ginevra-”

“Not now.” Pangs of sadness were biting her. _I don’t want to go back._


	19. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 4

They separated, and in that exact moment she immediately felt alone. Not just physically, but as a part of her was yanked away. For hours they had engaged in almost mind-to-mind conversation. Her consciousness felt empty, leaving her own voice there flaying about faintly at what to do next.

_Does he feel the same?_

Distractedly admiring the wooden carvings on the handrails, she made her way upstairs to her room. “I have to get it together.” She was now talking aloud, as she stowed away her knit poncho.

_‘Do not bottle up your emotions.’_ An unwelcome voice announced. _Remus, please stop._

_‘We don’t want an explosion, Ginevra.’_

_‘Or maybe that is what you want?’_

_No._

_I don’t think so._

The imaginary voice of Remus Lupin left her, and she was alone again.

"The diary."

It was difficult to stand up and walk to Draco’s room. Every step was pulling out willpower and strength from her. She did not want to touch it, not a single time more. Her paranoid thoughts were racing as she sat down.

On Draco’s bed stand she could see the diary, now covered with multiple issues of the daily prophet. Intimate thoughts condensed into evil pages by the Dark Lord.

_My hell._

“That was inside me-“ Her frail whisper cut off. _That was me._

Her fingers trembled as she pressed them against the leather jacket. _Not now._

Feeling hot, she retreated to her own room. The mechanical action of washing away the dirt from her feet and hands soothed her. Her hair was now wet, and it lessened the built-up tension in her body. It was easy to imagine being safe from harm.

Her mind again wandered to Draco, and as she stepped out to look at the mirror, even more insecurities darted in front. Looking at the ancient runes book did not help. The world around her was racing too fast and she just needed a break. To not have to fear or plan out a single thing, at least for a day. _Especially something like that. Something I’ve dreamt about since childhood._

Thinking about sex, an orphic saying came to her mind and lingered there without wanting to go away. _‘I am a child of earth and the starry heaven. But my race is of heaven and heaven alone._’

There are these two side to it. The physical pleasure nested inside a more immaterial one. The Mistress and the Madonna in one person, in one soul. The feminine a weird dichotomy of two separate spirits.

In men, within my masculine spirit, it’s a singular unit. A devouring tyrannical father both congruent with the sexual and the providing. But for women it’s incompatible. For husbands it’s so easy to shame this part out of women. However, then it only comes back tenfold as strong, tenfold as determined to get out and destroy those shackles.

_Or perhaps not… perhaps at that point you’re already sold your soul out. Corrupted it and you don’t have anything left. It’s all wasted away to the devil. _

Looking at herself naked in the large mirror, many insecurities disappeared and reemerged at the same time. Her perfect skin on a petite, thin frame forming the hourglass silhouette.

_I’m beautiful. Or am I hot?_

Her breasts were small, but perky. She sighed heavily, judging herself. “I’m about to do this.”

Back at her wardrobe, she tried to force her gaze away from the drawer full of lingerie. _No, hot is for whores. I don’t want to be hot._

Now more comfortable with her options, Ginny choose a light blue, diamond patterned maxi dress. Laughing at herself in the mirror, she remarked how closely she looked to a mid-century American housewife, and it was unclear if that was more fitting or more bizarre. As the fabric streamed pleasantly against her skin, she picked up skin colored sandals, and after a brief glance at the mirror let her hair flow freely.

Cross-legged she sat on the wooden floors, trying to distance herself from the diary, shielding her face with her palms. It did not help. Laden in its messy dustjacket against just as dusty floor, the dark book stared back as if it had evil eyes.

However, it carried a promise. A strength from which people often refrained. Same as the horcrux, using such absolute power corrupted you absolutely.

"What if I..." She wondered aloud. "What if I don't want to know what's good for me?"

“I could use it. Become stronger. Channel it.” Her words turning into dark whispers. “To no longer live in fear, no longer look around as a prey.” _I know how to use it, it’s been a part of me for so long._

With her mind still dwelling in dark, forbidden places she took the Ancient Runes book from her bed and sat with her back rested against the wall. The cool wooden floor grounded her imagination as she interwove her legs into a half-lotus and began scanning the pages.

The first fundamental rule of magic is that the sum of all energy is constant. The second law is about entropy. _The ‘sorted-ness’ of the universes. _Ginny never could quite grasp entropy. It was always explained in such round-about way, but in this book the analogy was simple. Anything you don’t care about deteriorates. Your health, your relationships, the cleanliness of you room and the cleanliness of your mind. That is a natural law. Everything perishes and sinks into chaos. _Unless we hold it back. Unless we maintain what we have._

The third fundamental law dictates the main principle behind a magical core. From a centaur to a giant, and finally a wizard - the core capacity is different. It’s an abstract idea for a vessel that is capable of dispensing energy from the grid.

The grid is a series of flux lines from which energy is drawn. It is massless and timeless thus providing magic where there is only empty space. However, matter interacts with magical energy, making some spots more and other less energetic. A magical core charges being near flux lines and is drained by spellwork or accidentally. Each discharge, unless accidental, is a derived form of energy.

_Not only the core drains too fast, but if the energy is not derived it’s dangerous to the carrier._ She frowned. “This diary, this Voldemort’s disjoined soul, it has to have a core… No, an incredible core even in its damaged state. And I-“ Her thoughts trailed off. She wanted to learn the theory on wards, on Ancient Runes, but with this diary the idea of pure power spells became available.

Pure power spells were an underived form of magical energy, one untouched by the carrier and thus most deadly. Hours passed as she immersed herself in the difficult words and passages of the book, trying to memorize the riddles proposed.

_Lumos!_ Her room had dimmed. It was only about five in the afternoon, but the winter solstice was coming and with it taking away precious hours of sunlight. She had seen Draco outside several times when taking brakes from her reading, but now peering down into the darkness she could no longer see him. _He has to be downstairs._ _I must give him time to think._

Her illumination charm had been too bright, and it had to be readjusted to suit the cozy atmosphere. Extracting the six malachite crystals she had bought midday, she placed them in a drawn-out hexagon. It was the physical foundation for the runes.

_Iactus fulmen! _She repeated the rune creation charm several times with a different rune in mind. The process of engineering and making things always excited her. Perhaps it was innate or perhaps it was the end result of being socialized with six other boys. _Maybe I simply did not have anybody to play make-believe with, only forts, treehouses and fighting._

What she had built was a magical fort. It was a hexagonal pyramid powered by the diary inside. She checked all the runes multiple times, making sure the strengths were correct. All her measuring charms dictated that she had succeeded. It was incredibly difficult to build standalone area warding charms, even if it was a small hexagonal pyramid. Usually the wards collapsed because the power source was too weak. But if everything were right, the wards around the diary would be so strong that none of her curses would break through.

After taking one more shallow breath and standing up from the knelt down position, it was finally over. An hour had been spent fiddling with the variables and setting various breakpoints for the layers of charms.

"If this works, I will be able to draw underived power from the core. This meaningless drivel of a magical vessel… I will be able to apply to myself and my own core." Her voice trembled as she spoke.

Even the idea of doing something like that would be unthinkable in Hogwarts. This branch of magic describing underived energy was forbidden and forgotten. Because the only way to train was to use a living human vessel. _And I… have one._

_Stupefy!_ She yelled out hard, concentrating her willpower into the spell.

Her green bolt shot towards the diary. Just moments before landing, an invisible barrier appeared. The hexagonal pyramid she had only imagined now materialized to form a protective shield.

“The wards are working!” She exclaimed in a shallow breath.

But instead of absorbing her curse, it rebounded and violently shattered a table leg.

The table dropped with a loud thud. A large cloud of sawdust muddied the air, and now it was too difficult to keep her eyes open.

Panting from the sudden adrenaline rush, Ginny lamented for putting herself in danger. “It did not absorb. Instead infused with more power that stunning charm turned into a _reducto_.”

After several deep breaths she had regained her composure, but it was clear this was not the right place to practice. “I need concrete walls. I need a basement.”

Throwing the rocks in her school bag, she noted the strange clash between her flowy attire and the rugged bag. Old accessories no longer fitting a new lifestyle.

In the living room Draco greeted her pleasantly. "You look great, Weasley!"

"Ehmm... thanks!" She replied, blushing. "Why so sentimental?"

Not expecting this reply he turned back to the fireplace and did not notice her entering the concrete stairwell downwards. Momentarily oblivious, she descended to the bottom, placing her school bag on the tiled floor.

"I will set up the hexagon here. Tiled floor, concrete walls-"

She stopped her full-blown shriek halfway through.

Footsteps could be heard from above. He had heard her. As she looked up, he was standing at the top of the stairwell.

"What are you doing?" He looked concerned, and she did not like that.

"I… I blew up a table in my room. I needed a place with concrete walls and nothing in the way..." She faltered. "Except..."

"Except the bodies, Ginevra." Draco’s tone was harsh, it was as if he were about to punish her. And weirdly she felt as if she deserved it.

"In the moment… I forgot. I was so immersed in the runes." She tried to explain. "I had progress, and… I needed someplace-"

He exhaled deeply and looked like he was trying to calm himself. Around a minute passed in silence as both of them stared at each other. In foreign roles, in a foreign place with no rules.

"Let's move them to the shed. Can you levitate that one?" Draco asked, now much more calmly. "I'll be behind you."

She nodded, as if back at Hogwarts with a near miss from a tough scolding. _Why do I feel this vulnerable right now? I'm always in control. Why do I feel I did something wrong?_

_Levioso!_ He was already downstairs, and his palm was on her shoulder.

She looked up at him, and then at the place of his touch.

"Can you levitate the other one?"

"Yes." She replied mechanically. _Levioso!_

The two dead bodies were now in the air, their rotting flesh tied together by freezing charms. But the vomit-inducing stench was everywhere.

"Come." Draco's tone was firm and commanding. "Let's bring them outside, to the shed."

Steadily, the Slytherin boy made his way up the stairs, with Ginny in tow. Both corpses flying in the air as if pulled by an elaborate system of cogs, wires and pulleys. They exited the basement, Draco sliding into his boots, while she to her sandals.

"Close the door." He ordered.

She did as told. Now they were outside in complete darkness. There was a rough gravel path that led around the house. His wand was illuminated, and it was enough for both of them to see where they were heading.

"This reminds me of Hogwarts." She mused aloud. "Going outside, in the dead of the night."

Encouraged by his silence she went on. "I was afraid I would forget everything. That once the horcrux was extracted, I would forget you…"

"Forget me?"

"Yeah." She whispered as they neared the shed with their death parade.

_That it was a lie. My whole personality. Everything that I was, everything that I value would disappear and change. But instead it’s all the same. I’m still me._

"I also thought, that what I did… with one of those..." She hesitated. "It wasn't me. It was the horcrux. But now I'm realizing that-"

_I'm evil._

"Gin." He interrupted her gently. "Don’t think like that.”

"I'm just confused." She whispered again. _He probably hates my feebleness. My weakness._

They had arrived at the shed. It was a simple wooden shack, a few yards in width and length. Various gardening tools were arranged there and hanged neatly on the walls. She instantly remembered her mother - she loved gardening. _Please, no childhood memories, look at what I've become…_

"Release the corpse." Draco said in a tone, that indicated he was repeating himself.

A loud thud, and again the pile of dead bodies was visible before them, illuminated only by Draco's wand.

"Can I take your hand?" She asked, afraid.

He looked at her in concern, sighed and put an arm around her waist. "Let's go, Ginevra. We have a lot to talk about. There is no point spending time outdoors. Not in this cold."

Draco's touch soothed her in ways she could never describe. He steered her through the murky and windy darkness around them. The meadow had turned into a small swamp, the soil absorbing unusual amounts of water. She hadn’t even noticed the rain.

The doors were opened for her, and she slid in, casting a quick drying charm on her strappy sandals. He motioned towards the fireplace sofas, but Ginny shook her head. "I want to make dinner."

"We really need to discuss matters."

"Let's talk while I cook." She managed a weak grin. "It's all dreary anyways, might as well do it while doing something pleasurable."

Placed out of his comfort zone, Draco took his place at the kitchen table, only observing her busy movements.

"What are we making?"

"I fiddled with the cookbook yesterday, and I found a recipe for one 'Creamy Tuscan Garlic Chicken'." She replied as she took a large bowl and poured two tablespoons of olive oil inside. "So, I picked everything I needed in the village grocery store."

Draco inclined his head in thought, surprised at her preparations. "You were planning to make dinner all day long?"

"What else am I supposed to do?" She replied in exasperation. "Let us starve?"

The pale boy pondered her question, his facial expressions making her laugh. "Are you about to help me or will you just gawk?"

He peered at her recipe. "What do I do?"

"Can you do the spinach? We need a cup chopped.”

Cooking reminded her of potions. She sliced chicken breasts and threw them in a metal bowl. "Alright, this is a muggle stove. What I need is medium heat. Here it is!"

"Now I just have to set the alarm charm for five minutes."

_No more delays. We must talk about leaving this paradise._

"Draco, what did you want to talk about?"

He was already doing the chopping extraordinary slowly, but his pace decreased even further. "Do you want to do it here?"

At her defiant expression, he continued. "First off, it would be beneficial for me to stay away from Hogwarts for a few weeks."

His intensity scared her, and she wanted to lessen it. "I like being here, Draco. Wide rooms and we’re alone. Nobody to bother us, nobody to come after us."

Her body language spoke for itself, as she tried to express her gratitude for what he had risked.

He forced a smile back, but before he could speak, she cut him off. "That's enough chopping. Put that in a smaller bowl. I also need grated parmesan. There is a grater in the cupboard above. About half a cup if you can."

He nodded, but the mechanical nature of his body language unsettled her.

“This is about the mission? That's why all the training?"

He was no longer looking at her. The moment Draco Malfoy whispered, she knew it was not good.

"I have to kill Dumbledore."

"What?" She darted back from the cupboard, almost dropping the hot bowl from the stove.

"What did you just say?"

This time Draco turned at her defiantly, as if challenging her with his every word. "My mission, Ginevra."

"My mission is to assassinate Albus Dumbledore."

Their eyes locked, each peering deeply inside the other person's soul.

The rustle coming from the pan was the only sound nearby. That moment she felt as if she could see his inner self, to see his suffering, depth, and passion. But it was only a glimmer, before she could no longer tell.

The alarm charm rung indicating the five minutes she had set for the chicken.

"I have to check if it’s cooked." Her voice trembled, and her hand trembled as well as she stuck a fork inside the chicken wing. The process of extracting the meat in a spare plate was mechanical.

He observed her keenly, now interested in nothing else.

"For how long have you known?" She asked in a forced casual tone, taking out the heavy cream from the fridge.

"This summer."

"You told me your house become the headquarters. That your father was disgraced."

''Yes." He replied, receptive. "I had to take…"

Without notice she leapt into his embrace, and as he protested, she only held on tighter and tighter until he finally surrendered. This feeling of intense warmth exhilarating her body, but the revelations horrified her mind.

“You took his place.” Her whispers were almost too quiet even near his ear.

The release in his body indicated acceptance. “It was my punishment. Now… I’ve decided to include you.”

Her embrace was no longer forceful, letting him pull away at any moment if he wished, but he didn’t. “You helped me save my soul, I owe everything to you.”

"And…" She faltered for the briefest of moments. "We’re in this together."

Draco froze considering her, but at last he nodded solemnly.

_This means he trusts me, this means he values me._ _Oh, Draco._

“Let’s leave out my plans for tomorrow.” His smile was ghostly frail. “It’s already too much for one night.”

“Don’t we have more time?”

“We do.”

Turning away unwillingly, she added parmesan to the heavy cream. With some garlic powder, and sun-dried tomatoes it was now done.

“I trust you.”

She had to look down, her words horrified her. _What will he say?_

From a small peer upwards, she could tell there was a struggle going on in his eyes. They were friends, but this relationship was intensifying.

“I do as well.”

She looked up and now their noses were touching. Tenderly, she opened her mouth and moved towards him. He received her lips in an intense embrace. Their kiss was full of desperation, and she felt his hands coming down to her hips.

_No._

He had pulled away. _Draco come back._

But they had already turned from each other. Too much had happened in the last minute, and still too much remained unsaid. In her mess of emotions, she could only think about the kiss. It meant sticking together even in times of chaos.

After dutifully whisking the heated-up contents in a bowl she immersed herself in timeless stirring. An activity so mechanical that it was finally enough to calm her mind.

“What about the prisoners?” She asked with her back against him.

“Life support, and finally obliviation.”

“The diary-“ Her lower lip hurt from her own teeth biting it. “You want to return it?”

_You don't care that I'm hurt by it. You don't care I loathe it._

"Let's leave it for now, Gin.”

Him calling her that did not escape her, but it was barely enough.

"So much has happened tonight already, do you want to add more to it?"

"No." The cream was ready, and she deposited the chicken wings inside the saucy bowl.

“Dinner. There?” She announced as if nothing had happened and pointed at the fireplace.

Glancing at her unsurely, he moved towards the fireplace. Soon, Ginny arrived with two bowls of pasta and wine.

The air around them changed in the dim light of the fireplace.

"No more revelations for tonight, alright?" She asked while lighting two candles.

“Enough?” He teased.

"This is like a date." She chuckled. "And I'm not even dressed."

“You look good.”

_Good? Hmm… _Her mind wandered.

“Fantastic.”

This made her look up.

“You look fantastic.” He was smiling.

“Thanks.” She could only grin back. Her attempt at playing it cool failed.

“Can we make a toast?”

“What about?” He had already dug into his chicken. “I can’t believe I helped you make it.”

“Neither can I.” She smirked.

“I want to toast for freedom. I want to toast to you… for delivering it me.”

“Yes, but you gave it to yourself.”

Their glasses clunk, and almost immediately they were staring at their food - too uneasy to look up.

Her nervousness had diminished her appetite. She could not eat, but only to observe him. With every bite she took, she finally began to realize how tired she was. Her body needed sustenance, and it was thanking her for it with tiredness. _Sleep inducing tiredness… no, I can’t._

“Where’s the Malfoy manners?”

“It’s good stuff.” He was laughing back.

“Please don’t turn into Ron.”

Draco’s look made her laugh.

They finished their meals too quickly. Their cumulative load of that day overwhelming. A few more casual jokes were thrown back and forth, with both being glad they were able to.

“When I was a kid.” He began, metaphonically looking around. “I think we were here once. Before the squib business. With my father.”

“Why?”

He laughed, but without any explanations she was concerned. “No, don’t look concerned. It’s a funny story. I was upset as a kid. I did not have something I wanted, so… I played a prank.”

“What prank?”

“I made the houselves stash away hundreds of mice. I had that power even as a kid. I could order them… I told them to go to the village, to those poor people. To ransack their basements with rats and then let them out in our house.”

“Why?” But she was smirking. “Why did you do that?”

“My mother… I’ve never seen her scream so much. They were arguing. Her and my father as usual. And I think my father had been drinking. She often was so disgusted by him. Demanding for us to move until it’s sorted. So, I think we went here, but I don’t remember anymore.”

“Why did you do it?” His funny story was not that funny to her for some reason. “What was it that they did not give you? A toy? A new broomstick?”

“No…” Draco looked away. “I wanted somebody to play with. A brother or a sister.”

_Oh._

The silence stretched between them. “Well… I never had problems with siblings, quite the opposite.”

“I never got to fly. We did not have many racing brooms. Well, decent flying brooms would be more precise. My brothers occupied them for most of the time. And even then, I could fly only supervised, and only when they let me…”

Her own hidden bitterness surprised her. It had been so long ago.

“I have a not-so-funny story as well.”

“I’m prepared to laugh.”

"One time I blew up half the house experimenting with fireworks." She winked at him. “And blamed it on Ron.”

“That’s hilarious.” He was smiling at her.

_Yeah, I know you don’t like Ron._

“Or the twins… and then each other…”

“You’re evil.”

_Yeah…_

“Oh, don’t be like that, Ginny. What did you want to tell me? That was hilarious.”

“I went out alone at nights. To the broom cupboard we had, and I took the fastest broom to fly alone as much as I wanted…” Something about these memories had changed. They had contained so much carefree mischievous joy, now they were much more sad and hollow.

The atmosphere had changed between them, and it felt permanent.

_I feel safe here. There are no more secrets._

But it was not that easy to say this aloud. “I was so scared at Hogwarts. So strung-up and terrified of the world. The people there… I had to pretend. I had to lie.”

She stopped, mortified to go on.

"I feel safe here." She concluded looking down at her hands. "At least right now, this moment. I believe you will protect me."

Draco nodded, but his mind was occupied. This was not the end of the road for him. His mission was insane, and so incredible. _It has taken over him._

"Draco." She wanted to appease him, to make him let go - at least for one night.

“You said you had nobody to play with.”

He observed her, immediately noting something else.

“I can be somebody you can play with.” She blushed.

Scratching his head, he leaned back on the sofa, now illuminated by the fireplace. She observed his attractive masculine frame.

"You changed your clothes?" She blurted out, before she could process what she was saying.

"Yeah."

"You should get a white shirt. I bet it would look lovely." Mustering courage, she flirted. _I've no idea what I'm doing. This is embarrassing._

"Ginny..." He had made up his mind, the confusion was now nearly gone. "Don't you think we should call it a night?"

She felt hurt.

"Don't you find me attractive?" There was pain in her voice.

"You are…” He sighed as if the words took out too much out of him. ”Extremely attractive, Ginevra."

_Why reject me?_

“The mission…” But he changed his mind mid-sentence. “There is too much going on.”

Her anger flared. “So it’s ALL-“

“Stop.” He quieted her by grabbing her hands. “No… yes, that is part of it. We already did so much the past week…”

“So, what’s wrong?” The innuendo was now replaced by sadness. _Am I too fucked up for you?_

In desperation, she blurted it aloud. "Am I too fucked up for you? Is that it?"

She felt tears welling in her eyes, she was about to break, and all her restrained emotional dams would break. _You don't want me!_

_I cannot let him see me cry._

"Listen.” He interrupted her half-standing up. “And get up.”

Confused, she did as told.

"Can you clean yourself up?”

"Yes."

"Do you want me to take... a shower?"

Draco nodded. "If you can calm down…"

Her eyes lit up. "Yes?"

"Then come to my room. I want to see the real you there. Strong, confident and beautiful."

Her heart filled with joy and desperately tried to pull herself together. _I can’t believe he said it! Oh, Draco._

Something deep within her took charge. "If I find you smelly... you will be sleeping alone!"

He grinned back. But that was all she saw of him, as she darted up the stairwell. Skipping every other step, and quickly arriving upstairs.

Draco laughed at her. But that was all she saw of him because she was darting too fast upstairs, skipping every other step.

Firmly bolting the doors to her room shut, everything was as she had left it, including the shattered table.

"I'm about to do this." She whispered under her breath. _I'm about to do this._

_Strong, confident, and beautiful!_

Sitting down on her bed, she took several deep breaths, clearing her mind of all discursive thoughts. So much had happened in a single day. So much in a single hour.

As she looked up at the half-open wardrobe, the lingerie drawer gawked at her.

Newfound panic. "What do I pick?”

_'Balance, Ginvera. Balance. You must never lose sight of it.'_ Remus Lupin's voice spoke in her mind as by astral projection. She repeated the breathing exercises and downed a small vial of her sleeping draught. She did not want to be intoxicated. Not tonight, but the dose was enough to soothe her.

Still in the middle of her room, she undressed, staring at her naked body in the wardrobe mirror. With her undergarments on the floor, she suppressed to discuss her flaws.

In shower, it was now not long until the sleeping draught will kick in, providing just enough for her to regain control.

_I was so stupid. Why did I have to act like that?_

_I literally collapsed in front of him. How pathetic!_

She scolded herself harshly but tried to be fair. _I was afraid, I did not know how he will react._ It took her ten more minutes to conclude the obvious. What had been done was done, and right now she held all the cards. Draco had invited her to his room, but it was clear it was her choice.

It was easy to lose track of time in the shower, but mist coming from her bathroom had spread into her bedroom, indicating it was time to get out. She brushed herself dry with a towel and returned back to the wardrobe. While magically drying her hair, Ginny carefully picked through the various items in the lingerie drawer.

"I can't believe the stuff in here." She declared with incredulity.

Babydolls, bodysuits, hosiery, and various gowns. For a moment she considered a black corset with flesh colored stockings but decided against it. _Maybe… tomorrow._ The idea of tomorrow even being a possibility shocked her. The process of picking through the various garments was both anxious and strangely arousing.

Finally, she decided on an all-white outfit. A simple strappy halter bra complemented by lacy hipster panties and white stockings. The composition reminding her of a bridal look. She spent several minutes adjusting the garments and turning against the minor to decide if everything was as desired.

With her flaming red hair loose, the white lingerie was arousing even to her - as she considered what was about to happen in the next hours of the night. The blue patterned maxi dress was crumpled on the floor, and Ginny decided to pull it back over herself. Partly for extra surprise, but partly for her embarrassment.

_Smile! _Taking one last critical look in the mirror she reminded herself. _Be strong!_

Her room doors closed silently as she found herself in the dark hallway. Just before Draco's room. She had stood here the day before, but in completely different circumstances.

She entered Draco's bedroom purposefully, pleased to see him stand up from his desk.

"I was not sure you would come."

"I'm here." She whispered.

He inclined his head and approached her at the doorway. "I think I smell… quiet nice."

She giggled.

Somehow the nervousness was gone. The uncertainty of before - erased. It felt right. As usual in control and confident, Ginny knew that this was a night she would remember for the rest of her life.

The feeling of being blessed, and offered this opportunity vanished as she was overcome with desire. The scent of the man in front of her intoxicating. Everything about him was perfect. Not being able to resist, she slowly started to unbutton his shirt.

He stopped her softly. "Are you sure?"

And the way he asked the question told her everything she needed to know about their relationship. She was not only ready, but excited.

She gently pushed the maxi dress over her shoulders and dropped it to the floor. Her chosen white lace panties and strapped halter bra on display.

Draco took several steps back in stupefaction. His eyes darting from her body to her face, as if he were forbidden to look down and gawk, as if this were a dream he was about to wake up from. With her warm smile she tried to encourage him to come forward.

As if controlling incredible impulses, he approached her again, now her breast pressing against his chest for the briefest of moments. She pulled him back to unbutton his shirt and throw it to the ground by the dress.

"Come." Was all she could whisper as Draco embraced her, exploring her curves. Sliding down to her butt cheeks and back up to her breasts. Passion and lust overcome them, and she was lost in the magic. It was an intense desire she had never felt before.


	20. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 5

Ginny felt as certain warmness disappeared from her body. Something that she cherished flew away from her. But she was too far into her dreams to notice, exhausted by the day before.

There no longer were snide women in her dreams judging her, no labyrinthine pathways to navigate. Instead, for the first time in her life, she dreamt of flying.

Almost everybody she had ever asked about dreams had told her it was common, but she had never believed them. That such a peaceful dream could exist. That the deep subconscious generating all possible threats might be content for a night.

The bed sheets were nothing like Hogwarts. Not being able to place the fabric, she brushed her fingers through it, forming small wrinkles. Her body was subconsciously reaching for Draco, his chest, his strong arms.

"Draco!" Ginny bolted upright as if shocked by an electric alarm. He was not there. "Draco!"

But there was no point repeating his name. She was alone in his bed. It was already bright outside and judging by the season, she had slept late.

_He did not want to wake me. That must be it._

Tenderly, she reached down towards her lower body. Her most intimate parts sore from yesterday. Whirlwind of intense memories swept her mind. Ginny Weasley was struggling to comprehend everything that had happened between them. She remembered vividly their naked bodies intertwined.

Her confidence had started to wan, but Draco had guided her. At every instant she could feel him exerting immense pressure to restrain himself. Letting her experiment with their bodies.

She looked down at her naked legs partly wrapped in plain bedsheets. Trying to force her mind away from the fleeting pleasure, she contemplated what had Draco felt. What had he experienced? The tiny amount of self-doubt she felt was cast away instantly, as she remembered him embracing her. For hours into the night, until she finally had succumbed to sleep.

For the first time since she could remember, her mind was entirely blank from negative strife. There was joy and happiness. But it did not take long for a new foreign emotion to appear. The fear of losing him. The fear of messing something up and destroying their fragile relationship. _And I'm good at that. Not taking others into account. It's always me, myself and my ego._

There were still many lingering sensations of pleasure in her body as she stood up, and slowly made her way back to her room. Submerged in a hot shower, she realized acutely that it was true what they had affirmed yesterday. They were in this together. And from now on she will have to take care not only of herself, but also of Draco.

Wrapping herself in a towel, she hurried back into Draco's room, and picked up the clothes she had discarded yesterday on the floor. Leaving small puddles of water beneath her feet, she threw them in the laundry pile she had started to maintain.

Something caught her eye outside the window. Draco was training again. Exercising in the murky meadow, practicing curses and spells in what seemed like a habituated ritual. She now knew what his efforts were directed at, and how high were the stakes. Her ritual was over, but his mission had just begun.

The weight of new responsibilities was clearly apparent to her perceptive mind. It was said that responsibility brings the best out of people. The more you take it, the more meaning you find in your life. And the higher is the degree of responsibility, the richer the experience.

Ginny could feel mystical foreboding telling her there will be tough times ahead. That it's going to be rough, before it'll get any better. Remus had always had the right words for all her recounted struggles, and she recounted the words he had wrote down in his letter to her._ 'You are way more than you think, Ginevra. We have to be more than we are, or else we are not going to survive. There is glory at the end of the tunnel.'_

It was hard for her to force herself away from gawking at him. Her stare at his physique soon turning into mental speculation. _What is he thinking? Will I ever fully understand him?_

"I have to make breakfast." Ginny chuckled at herself. "No. Lunch!"

After returning the towel back in the bathroom, she ogled at her exaggerated closet. The comparison to her small wardrobe at the Burrow was silly. The process of simply choosing a daily attire had turned into something else. The atmosphere in the room uncomfortably tense. "Calm down! It's just a dress. He won't even notice!"

_But he did notice the day before!_

Ginny was battling a conflict inside her mind. One part of her urging her to do everything as usual, but the other part pressing for her to get noticed. _This is nonsense! I've literally gone insane! _

_I'll just pick something and go._

Wanting to escape the discomfort of her internal struggles, she choose a dark flowery sundress that was directly in front of her. It had a fitted waist, and the blue and red patterned flowers accented her hair.

Sliding into the same strappy mid-heeled sandals as the day before, she finally exited her room, and proceeded down to the kitchen. "First I have to make lunch for both of us, then meditation."

It was an effort to extract something from the recipe book she could make with the items. But in the end, she decided on avocado and tuna salad rolls. Draco arrived just moments after she had finished gathering plates and greeted her tentatively. She smiled warmly at him.

The ice that had solidified between them for years was irrevocably broken. Conversation flowed freely, and in the moments of a sudden lull they simply enjoyed each other's company. She did not want to bring up the diary, Luna, or details about Draco's mission. It felt to her as if she were given a gift, and it was up to her to protect and nurture it.

Later on, they took the same gravel path to the village, and explored nearby hiking paths. Afterwards, she committed herself to ancient runes, and Draco continued his habituated practice in the garden. That evening they both engaged in making dinner as the day before. The night culminating with them intertwined in primal desire.

They say that beauty disappears when one gets too comfortable. Complacency, which is the seed for decay, grows without strife. But nothing could be further from the truth for Draco and Ginny at the cottage. A daily ritual formed between them. Several days went past quickly, their first full day together a microcosm stretched out into a week.

To her own astonishment, she experienced newfound pleasure in cooking. A task that she had been stowed away for at home, now felt rewarding. Draco's amazement never ceased at her abilities, and it bolstered in her the feelings of being appreciated and valued.

Ginny dug throw all of the daily prophet's Draco had collected since their stay at the cottage. Their disappearance was described in great detail. With quotes from Dumbledore, and the Minister for Magic on the front page. The scale of the search and rescue operation frightening her. But relief had come, as there was no mention of Draco being complicit. A long plea from Narcissa Malfoy was reprinted on several issues, calling for the minister to guarantee her son's safe return.

For the first time in her life, she had her breakfast in a restaurant. Now having visited the village many times, he had finally convinced her to go along with the idea. Reiterating it had nothing to do with her cooking. "I just wanted to treat you."

It was now customary for them to have some late afternoon herbal tea there. The waitress soon had started to greet them warmly, joining in for a few words here and there. Before long, more people had started to notice and greet them. They retold the story about them being students on holiday and the words spread as it does in such places.

Growing up with six brothers, she drew much of her attire inspiration from them. A rather tomboyish look. Preferring jeans, t-shirts and sweaters over skirts and dresses. Later in school, her insecurities had fueled her continuing to wear that kind of an attire. In her mind, dresses and skirts were made for feminine, pretty girls. She felt as if she could not live up to that, believing that those kinds of clothes would look ridiculous on her.

She adapted gracefully to her new wardrobe. Draco’s sweet and seemingly truthful compliments free her to experiment. In mere days, she started to bring light to her more feminine side. Experimenting with outfits, and process gratifying her peculiarly. She liked to make his jaw drop.

_Especially at night._

All lipsticks were hell. They just didn't go right with her hair. The more striking the shade and color she chose - the less she liked the outcome.

It was as if by unspoken agreement that they steered away from topics like diary and Draco's mission, but Ginny felt heartbroken every time she saw Luna. _This is not right; I can't leave her like that._ Every midday, after they ate lunch, she fed the prisoners her cooked meals. On several occasions, she mentioned releasing Luna to Draco, and in each of their subsequent conversations he was less opposed to the idea.

As she had declared on their first day together, Ginny now truly felt free. For the first time in her life unshackled. Free from gilded cages, and prisons made for her mind. But it was a fragile kind of happiness. It felt like walking on a tight-rope, one single misstep, and everything you cherish is gone.

Her memory had completely returned intact. There was something related to the ritual that bothered her. _I noticed something that night when I saw those horcruxes. But I can't place what it was.... why do I have this feeling that I'm missing something important?_

Gone were the metal cupboards from the basement, and she had covered the floors with a durable rug. _At least I won't have to look at that bloody drainage pipe cover. _The main object of her efforts was the amplifier. It was an abstract object, created by several runes, and powered through the diary. It let her practice spellcraft.

All spells could be described by a set of runes. When combining these runes, one could create a new curse or hex. It was also possible to create spells without runes in mind, but it was more difficult. Ginny had created the locomotion silencing charm this way.

The task of engineering things was weirdly fulfilling to her. Still in feminine skirts and dresses, she didn’t just want to be a housemaid - making meals for Draco and attending to the garden. Her passion was building things. Every time she finished a project, she felt immense satisfaction. The ability to conceptualize an idea in her mind, and then plan out and execute it in the real world captivated her.

_Maybe it's all the constructor boy toys I played with…_

_'Ancient Runes, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty — a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show.'_

_That's a beautiful textbook cover._

"Pure power spells. Directed by the flux lines themselves." She repeated to herself aloud, her mind fixated on the task at hand. "I can't access the flux lines… it's too dangerous. This trapped, splintered soul in the diary, this degenerate magical core will be the power source.”

Remus had made a mistake choosing the exact book from Dumbledore's library to offer her. Her final goal was quite simple. Any spell is a magical charge. It is a derived version of the energy found in the core. Remus had theorized a metric. Every wizard and witch could be said to contain the core size of one hundred. For centaurs it was twenty, and for squibs ten. Muggle's being assigned with the core size of one for reference. This was the main focus of his research.

With casting of any spell, like the stunning charm, charge was drained from the core, but only a small part of that charge was converted into a bolt of usable energy. Pure power spells took magical charge from the core of a wizard and delivered it untapped with shocking force.

"At least that's the theory." She mused to herself, considering many different passages she had copied from the textbook, making careful notes. "If only I can learn how to drain the power spells correctly from this diary, this magical amplifier… then I will know how to drain my own core."

"And that is a skill I bet even Dumbledore does not possess..." Her whispers were deadly dark.

"He wouldn't have dared to. To learn this, you need a horcrux, you need a source that powerful." But after considering it further, she was no longer sure. Dumbledore might have figured out different ways she could never imagine.

Often the passion, with which she had committed to get stronger, frightened her. Making her doubt her own motives. The conniving remarks Tom Riddle had made during the ritual reverberated in her mind:

_'I have an army of deatheaters at my disposal. You would love that power, won't you? You are WEAK! Craving for every single shred of it you can attain. I know cost doesn't matter to you. It's all self-indulgence.'_

Not wanting to remember any more of those contrived statements, Ginny considered her own motives. _I have this desire to control… everything. The world is so chaotic, everything can change in an instant. I dream of being somehow able to control it, to take charge over everything that influences me… to be in full control of my life._

Ginny Weasley gulped, reflecting on her own thoughts. _I'm like… Voldemort… I'm horrible… isn't this the same path that led him to become who he is now?_

"No!" She exclaimed. "It's different. He's evil… I'm…" _I'm…_

It was clear she had to stop her efforts at the amplifier for today. She had started to lean against one of the concrete walls, and slowly slid down into a cross-legged position in tiredness. It was already late, and she had to make dinner in just about an hour for four people. The amplifier was much work, and usually Draco came down for an hour, and helper her out. He was not interested in it at all and appeared bored most of the time while helping.

"Where is he?" Ginny whispered in fatigue, once again not caring about talking aloud. "He had to be here several minutes ago."

He had not skipped practicing outside for a single day, next day explaining to her that it was a training exercise designated by Bellatrix Lestrange. _I can't believe he calls that monster 'Bella'... the word means 'beautiful'... she is cruel beyond belief; how can cruelty be beautiful?_

In great lengths, Ginny had considered what was bothering Draco, and soon she had understood and accepted, that the man she was now living together with was obsessed with his mission. It was his purpose, his drive, his ultimate goal, and somehow redemption for his father and family honor.

In return for his help, she had finally agreed to participate in the same physical and agility training he was undertaking. Ginny felt her fatigue taking over, in training Draco always pushed her to her limits. In her half-asleep state, waiting for him to arrive, her hazy imagination summoned Grimmauld place. Much had happened in that dreary house, and she often dreamt about her summer adventures there - experimenting with potions and various dark spells.

"THE LOCKET!" Ginny bolted upright, suddenly remembering an amulet, stowed away in one of the cupboards, and engraved with a shiny letter S. "Slytherin, that S stands for Slytherin… I remember it so clearly… for hours I tried to pry it open… I even know where I placed it."

The rapid surges of adrenaline made her pace around the room. "The cave, the rocky shore against the sea… it was hidden there in the middle of a deadly lake… how… how could it be in Grimmauld place?"

For a brief moment she doubted herself, but slowly she made more connections, no longer daring to speak aloud. _Voldemort disappeared so many years ago… his followers, they might've known… and tried to… to do what? Destroy it, make use of it?_

Ginny sighed, her theory made some sense, but she had to disregard these speculations as more troubling matters presented themselves.

_I have another horcrux! Another power source! I just have to get to it… when we leave. _Her mind had started to plot furiously. Her family Christmas celebrations were held in Grimmauld place this year, if only she could make it there in time. _It's now the beginning of December. I could actually get my hands on it by the end of the month…_

Letting go of another deep, thoughtful sigh, she rested again on the floor in a half-lotus - her flexible body being pressured, calming her nerves. "I no longer need the diary." Pure ecstasy flowed through her. "I no longer need the diary."

_This monster inside it, this piece of shit that destroyed my life, this object of my misery two years in St. Mungo's mental ward._ Ginny forced back tears, those memories were so far repressed that she knew they will break out one day. And when she will be able to fully process what those so-called healers did to her - she knew she would sob uncontrollably until she could finally put it past her. _I want to get RID OF IT! NOW!_

But she restrained her anger, hearing somebody upstairs. Draco had closed the front doors and was taking a shower before joining her. "What about Draco? Do I tell him?"

Ginny hung her head in shame and disgust. _I can't tell him. I can't. He will want to return it. He is blinded by his allegiance…. I… I have to keep this a secret._

The thought of Draco summoned so many positive emotions, everything that had happened during the week. But now realizing she had to keep secrets again, to lie again - it was heartbreaking. _I escaped that hell in Hogwarts - living many lives with different personas and different rules. _

_Here, I told him everything. We were done with secrets… we are now so close together…_

"Why am I getting this emotional!" Ginny banged the floor with her fist, trying to hold herself together and not show weakness. "I hate crying. No crying! God dammit, yes, I feel like shit. Yes, I am a piece of shit human being…. but I can't tell him. He will not allow me to keep it."

"Now if the diary is returned, I have a backup plan. It's so weird that I told him so many times I wanted to bring it to Voldemort all those nights by the lake. That was the whole reason he helped me. I reiterated again and again I wanted safety in return for that artifact… but once it's outside me…. working again…" And it was hard for her to suppress the intense rage she felt against the object now lying right in front of her, in the middle of the room.

_How about fiend fire? I know it destroys horcruxes. Just one spell-_

The basement doors banged open and shut. Draco Malfoy was heading downstairs, he arrived swiftly. He had showered and washed his sweat. Even from several yards away she could feel his scent, despite him never wearing any perfume. His masculine pheromones confusing her mind. She closed her eyes to take in the aroma.

"Hi! Oh… you're meditating… I-" He silenced himself, and she could hear him sit down on one of the steps. He was panting, and Ginny could tell he had been pushing himself hard.

_At night, that scent is always there. But it's all different at night. During the day we're almost distant, but at night when we are in each other's arms there is no need for words… how he treats me when I lay against him, experimenting with his body and his hair… his touch is always so tender, so considerate. Is that the true Draco Malfoy? Even if during the day he displays none of it?_

Somehow, as usual, a neutral, peaceful topic had raised much doubt and uncertainty. She opened her eyes, wanting to distract herself again.

"Ginny! I'm here. I'm sorry that I'm late." He got up and rubbed his temple. A motion she had noticed he did when uncomfortable. "I lost track of time. And you have made so much progress training with me, so… are you alright?"

She sat upright but remained in her half-lotus. It was extremely hard for her to stop thinking about the other horcrux. It changed everything, and it consumed her mind. She suspected Draco could tell. "I was meditating to pass the time while waiting for you. Go on!"

He looked at her weirdly for a moment, but not being able to pick up on anything, continued. "I was thinking about your physical condition. You're improving… if we contrast where you started, and where we are now. You must carry on with me! I know it's tough."

As Draco practiced, one morning she had given up all pretense, and had went outside to observe him. His display of strength and agility captivated her. But just mere minutes later her gawking was cut short, and Draco had invited her to join in. At first it had been an hour in the morning, but soon he insisted on her doing one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Just that first day she could recall him approaching with a grave expression. Ginny almost jumped, expecting very bad news. Instead, Draco had told her she was very weak. They theorized it might had been the extraction of the horcrux. Visibly shaken by her physical state, he was determined to help her improve.

Although, his concern had warmed her heart, she did not care much for her physical body. She was confident that it was all mind over matter. In her mind, dedication to magical training outdid everything, all the rest of it could be conjured. But she never mentioned it to him directly. He had all the reasons to train. Even as suicidal as was their mission, at least they will not face it unprepared.

"Are you listening to me?" Draco laughed. "We can go to the village and eat dinner there if you wish."

"No… I have some leftovers from lunch and yesterday's pasta. I can get everything done quickly." But even as she spoke, all her concentration was dead set on the green amulet with a single engraved S for Slytherin.

"Ginny, I can tell something is bothering you. We can go and sit by the fireplace. I can heat up the food myself. You look… disheveled." As she looked up, she knew Draco would not let go of the subject. It was time to invent something.

"Luna. I feel like I've asked you about her every morning..." She diverted the topic, pretending her main concern was about her friend and not the newfound horcrux. "We need to rennervate her. Put her under the Imperius, and some light additional charms. Then we can trick her to stay with us. I know some potions that are exceedingly-“

Draco was rubbing his temple again, sold on the reason she had looked distressed. But he was no longer listening.

"Draco! Please listen, yes, I am repeating myself, but I could use her here at the amplifier. You were late today… you have a lot on your hands." _Could this be the right direction?_

"She could help me out."

"It's too risky." His cold, detached voice reverberated against the now decorated walls.

As she did not respond, Draco wanted to change the topic. "I want to discuss the plans for the mission, let's go upstairs. You have decorated this place beautifully. It looks nothing like before."

Considerable effort had been spent in making the basement look less like a morgue. The plain green carpet was the simplest thing to get from the village. Then she had bought some flowery drapes and covered a few of the walls - magically protecting them from tears that could result from an explosion during her experiments. The finishing touch had been a small flowerbed she had carried from the garden - it was a miniscule evergreen that now was placed at the bottom of the stairwell - reminding her of life every time she came down to the basement.

_Life instead of death._

"Is this how it's going to be? You are deciding everything..." Startled by the unexpected bitterness in her own voice, she tried to remedy it using much softer language. "Why don't you try to understand that it's important to me?"

He sighed and kneeled beside her. Ginny had found out recently she had trouble thinking clearly when he was just inches away. Before there were only her fantasies, but now she could have him right now, right here on this basement floor._ I need to concentrate! What is wrong with me?_

As she dared to directly look at his face, she could see he was deep in thought. Pondering what she had just said, and the many times she had asked the exact same thing. She had to wait patiently - to not rush him.

"If we plan it out properly… it's going to be fine." He turned to face her directly. "Be careful, I have everything on the line here."

Ginny leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Thanks. Luna is my best friend, Draco. It's not right how she’s chained up there to the radiators and gagged… I'll be careful. And it's not just you… we’re both risking everything."

He nodded. "Let's go upstairs. I wish to introduce you to the plan."

As they moved up hand in hand, she felt glad she had made some progress. He finally had listened to her. The fireplace was magically lit, and as she sat down in tiredness, Draco announced that he has observed her enough, and is capable of reheating everything for both of them.

"You're getting better." She laughed, wrapped in a ball on the sofa. _We're so close… we sleep together… and our relationship doesn't even have a label. _

"Whatever, Weasley." He did not take kindly to her teasing.

_Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Do I care?_

_Yeah, I do._ She noted to herself, her mind lost in the magic of the flames.

Always famished, Draco returned with two bowls, and began to focus on his food. Her recent discovery had risen her anxiety levels tremendously, and her digestive system was declining any sustenance. Instead, she quickly ran to the tap, and returned with some water in hand - too preoccupied with her own thoughts to even make tea.

"The main gist of it is infiltration." Draco began, finished with his food. "We will infiltrate the deatheater headquarters."

_Enter Malfoy Manor? Draco, why?_

"Remember that we cannot be seen. We are being looked for. So, we need a disguise." He paused. "You will have to brew Polyjuice. I can get the ingredients safely."

_Disguise? Polyjuice?_

"Why go there at all?" Her questions sounded more like a plea.

"Ginny…" He was again rubbing his temple. "You said to me several times that you want to return the diary. For safety. Remember?"

_I hadn't considered everything, that it would be still… capable of so much harm._

"And you offered me help delivering it." Her eyes were half closed as she spoke. "Now that I don't want to return it anymore… why go there?"

A long, uncomfortable pause.

"I need more manpower." His reply was icy.

As she looked up at him, there was no caring or love in his facial features. It was all business. _No, it's worse. He is ordering me._

_A deatheater executing his master's wishes._

"I can't ask for it on my own, I need to prove to Voldemort that I am capable… to gain his trust."

Her displeasure had turned into pure irritation. Something inside her directed that she will not be a pushover. _Sometimes you have to stand up to people you care about._

"I've been considering some things recently." And now Ginny felt her own voice grow dark and detached as well.

_Two can play this game._

"Some powerful spells..."

"What about?" It was clear he was taken aback and had not expected her reply. Nor her defiant tone.

She laughed, and something in her laugh was unsettling. It was a dirty, manipulative laugh.

"How to destroy the diary, Draco."

"WHAT?"

"WHY?"

She laughed again. Something perversely had switched in her mind. They had lived in this idyllic harmony for a week. Being strong supporting partners to each other. But she did not like how he was talking to her, and instead of kneeling down and taking his orders - it was clear she would do the exact opposite.

_Draco, no one will order me around like that. Ever. In my life._

"Besides, I don't need it anymore. There are other ways to practice what I do." She lied coldly, not noticing how easy lying had become. _I have another horcrux secured away, anyways. I can use it, and no one will ever know._

Something in Draco changed. He was noticing her transformation. His next words were now more of honest confusion, rather than animosity. "If we return it, he will safeguard it. By giving it back we gain so much. And the diary, Ginny, the diary, rest assured will never harm anyone else ever again."

"Please remember, this was the plan all along. This is what we talked about." Gone was the deatheater she suspected would rip out the diary from her hands and leave. Instead, Draco had dropped the charade and was pleading.

"Draco… I've never told anybody this." She felt her own irritation waning. It was time to explain. But she had not yet settled her past, the demons were still haunting her.

"Tom Riddle wasn't just some voice in the diary." Her voice faltered.

"I was enamored with his personality. Fascinated by the select visions he chose to show me." She stuttered.

"I… I was infatuated, Draco. Eleven years old and alone. I didn't really know how to make friends. Because of my brothers, there was this stigma that made it difficult - superficially everyone wanted to befriend me, but I could see through it, Draco. There is something with me… I can see through the veil, through their souls… sometimes. And their intentions were as shallow as they could be."

Still with her gaze at the floor, she continued. "Tom was different. He was so incredibly smart, and he always said the right things. I was very vulnerable back then… he made me believe so much shit. Those first victims, Draco… I did that on my own."

She gulped realizing what she had just said. "Yes, I summoned the basilisk, but I was not under mind control, Draco. I was so wrapped up in my fantasies that I truly believed I would help revive Tom and we…"

She broke down, and it took her several moments to continue. "We would be together. My ultimate childhood fantasy fulfilled. I was willing to kill for it… I petrified them… but Draco, I did not care - I might've as well murdered Colin and Hermione."

"Not everything has a name, Draco. Some things lead us into a realm beyond words." She paused. "That's how I felt when it was all over."

"No… that's when the real torment began… in St. Mungo's."

"Ginevra, you must think clearly." Draco's detached tone shocked her. "I'm sorry about what happened to you. But right now, we are in the middle of something."

"Stay rational! Remember about my mission."

_Rational? Draco, can you ever feel any empathy with me?_

"What happened was pure mind control. You were not responsible about anything, drop those delusions and calm down."

Draco was in no state to expect what was about to happen. Ginny bolted upwards aggressively, rage and hurt coursing through her. "You don't care about me, do you? It's all rationality to you."

"Ginevra, let's talk this out as adults."

_Another patronizing asshole._

"As adults?" She laughed maniacally. "ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS VOLDEMORT, DRACO!"

Her screams were absorbed by the windows, but his eyes had widened in shock. She had never screamed at him like this before. Never with such pure hatred and hurt.

"You will abandon me." She continued, projecting her insecurities. "I'm too ugly for you. Too weak. Too insecure. Too fucked up."

"Gin, please!"

"Calm down, you are not thinking straight."

_Not thinking straight? Says the person who is in bed with the deatheaters. Sharing common creed with murderers and rapists._

Somehow Draco was choosing all the wrong words. "Let's look at the facts, and let's lay it all down. But before… please eat, Ginny."

_More orders, more discipline. I am the domesticated slave._

She felt incredibly wounded, and her anger was still bubbling. "Why don't you respond? Why don't you deny? That means you really do care only about Voldemort… I'm just a puppet in your nasty game."

He inhaled and exhaled deeply, lost at what to do. "Please listen to yourself! You are making no sense."

_Draco, why can't you say you care about me? Why is that so difficult to you? What facts? What rationality?_

Her anger was spent, and she broke down in the sofa. He approached her, but she aggressively extended her fists at him. With her eyes still closed making Draco stay back.

"I don't want you to touch me!"

"Not right now." Ginny had started to sob indiscriminately. In her rage, small puddles of tears had formed beneath her eyes, but now they were flowing freely. She had never been hurt like this, not when she had rested everything on their relationship. _Abandoning friends, abandoning family… all just to be together with Draco. And he doesn't even love me. He just uses me._

"In St. Mungo's." Ginny spoke between sobs, and once again with her extended fists indicating for Draco to stay away. "I have never told a single soul about what they did to me. Without the diary, that would have never had happened. Dumbledore thought there was a dark curse…"

"You told me parts of it…" He whispered but did not dare to interrupt any further.

"Dumbledore knew the curse breakers wouldn’t find anything. He knew I will be moved to the mental ward." Ginny spoke with bitter, pure hatred. "I resisted. I wanted to get home. And even the mental healers there… they all knew I was sane…"

"So why did they-"

She cut him off. "They made me stay, because Dumbledore ordered them to."

"I wanted to get out. I plotted several escapes. To tell my family I'm fine, to reassure them. I thought it had been a mistake. That it's going to get fixed. Some kind of a simple misunderstanding. That like with any viral infections, perhaps I had evaded it or developed antibodies."

"Because they could not find anything at first, they were all aboard, but something changed one day when Dumbledore came to visit me. I was secluded afterwards; I never had the chance to even speak to him. After that none of the nurses treated me the same."

"Malfoy, what I learned was…" She exhaled deeply. "Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence."

"What violence?'

"After Dumbledore's visit, they restrained me." She laughed darkly. "That was the lie Malfoy. That there was something wrong with my mind. And the only way to perpetuate that lie was to hold me with force."

"And they almost broke me… that's why I never told anybody, that's why they pushed me to return… and I FOR MY COMPLETE STUPIDITY AGREED TO RETURN TO THAT HELLHOLE." She shrieked. "I should have said NO, I should have been on my knees pleading at my family. Telling that it all was just a lie. But the violence scared me. Once you experience a punch to the face, or two… or more. It changes your perspective. You are afraid to get out of line."

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men do nothing." She remarked, trying to calm herself. "And evil triumphed. But I learned something. Something profound."

As she looked up at him, Draco's face was torn in anguish. _So, you do feel something?_

In reply to her challenging facial expressions, he almost muted. "What did you learn?"

"You have power over people, only for so long as you don't take everything away from them."

She paused. "But when they robbed me of everything, I was no longer in their power - I was free again."

"My possessions were confiscated, no communication to friends or family… no nothing, really. Just my imagination, and four white padded walls making sure I don't injure myself."

"There they told me words that should never be spoken to any human being, however base…”

“You have always been like this.”

“You are like this now… and you are never ever going to change."

"In this freedom of imagination... I started to plot my suicide."

"WHAT? Ginny! Please, let me come near you."

But her clenched fists were still in the air aggressively towards him, and they both understood that the symbolism of her resistance was the same she had displayed in St. Mungo's. She wanted to be left alone, to be free. Draco hung his head, realizing he had no other option, but to listen, and stay where he was.

"But I went further than that, Malfoy. I was certain that all existence was corrupt. Muggles and wizards alike. All we do is perpetuate further suffering. There is a very strong, rational case to be made for that."

"That all existence is corrupt, and it therefore should be eradicated."

She paused, letting her words sink in.

"Let's end this thing. This… civilization, this nonsense they call 'humanity'. The suffering is not worth it."

"We are born ALONE, Malfoy.” She yelled out. “And we will DIE alone."

"But about a week before I got out…" She sunk back into her chair. "I reconsider. I chose to not go through with my planned suicide.”

“What I realized was that someone is happy as long as he or she chooses to be happy, and NOTHING can stop that person."

_‘We are adapted to things that last forever.’ _Words from Remus’s letter sent chills down her spine.

"And it was all, because of the diary Malfoy."

"I now understand." He was trying to be earnest, still processing her words.

"No, keep on using my last name. I'm 'Weasley' to you from now on…"

He ignored her request. "All I can say is... please sit down. I understand you are upset very badly, you… I don't know what to say, how to convince you logically…"

_Say you love me. Say you care about me. Say anything, Draco. Please!_

But he grew mute, instead his eyes desperately boring into hers.

The first casualty of war is truth, and it was true that night. "Everything you have said to me has been in pure calculation." She remarked.

"At night… when we are together you always compliment me; you always are so close and tender…" It hurt to continue. "But during the day, when I'm not naked. When you can't just fuck me and ravage my body - you are distant and cold.”

“That is not true, Ginevra. You are wrapped up too far in your head and your insecurities.” He protested firmly.

_Wrapped up in my head?_

”This is just another job for you. To serve your master. You only care about fucking me!"

"You don't care about who I am as a person, what I like, what I love. What drives me… it all makes sense now!"

"You robbed me of my innocence, Malfoy." Now eye to eye, she could now really see her words had truly hurt him. He had started to get up, to try to approach her, but this accusation threw him off.

“I did everything for you!” Draco was now yelling after her. “You are paranoid!”

_I’m the one who’s paranoid? Yeah, right…_

"All you care about is eminence in the ranks of sick murderers and rapists." She shouted at him. "And you are a rapist as well. Just serving your true master."

She laughed coldly and bitterly, observing the broken man in front of her. Draco was no longer responding or looking at her, instead he seemed dissociated and lost.

"I'm leaving."

This made him turn. "When?"

"I'm leaving right now, Draco." She stated icily. "Eat shit, Malfoy."

“Ginny… don’t…” Her last words puncturing another proverbial dagger in his stomach.

That was it for her. She ran towards the doors, half expecting for Draco to catch up. As she glanced back, she could see him considering it, but she would never let that happen. _I can escape. I can escape one more of these gilded cages. One more of these prisons for my mind. One more of these lunatics destroying my soul._

It was pitch black, and she barely exited the gates. Cussing several times that they might be locked, and that Draco had imprisoned her. Finally, as she got out, it was clear he would not be in pursuit. But it did not matter. Her adrenaline was directing her to run. In the same diamond patterned flowy maxi dress she ran along the gravel path.

It was not clear where she was going or what awaited her. The action of physical exercise restructured her mind. She ran for at least twenty minutes straight. Finally spotting the bridge with the first lamp posts. Her heart was racing. _It's too fast. My heart rate is too fast. Draco said I was weak… running for twenty minutes straight._

She collapsed against one of the railings and begged that nobody from the nearby houses was looking. They would call the muggle police and muggle ambulance. All muggle authorities were connected to magic one's. They would find her immediately and bring her back to Hogwarts.

"Maybe that is it?" She whispered. "That was my hell. And now… NO, I won't go back."

She was starting to catch her breath. Her body was still young and capable of taking a beating. This time more slowly, she carried herself through the village, and towards the lake opposite to the church.

"Why didn't I take my sleeping draughts?" She cursed. "I could be fucked out of my mind right now enjoying euphoria. Instead I'm kneeling in this freezing water… shivering so badly."

She whispered the heating charm; it was no joke to be about outside for so long in the middle of winter. Hoar frost everywhere. But there were muggle lanterns around the lake, she kept herself in the shadows.

There were the four ducks, and the two swans she had now grown accustomed to feeding with bread. The two swans were sleeping together. Ginny mused that they were a pair and rested their beaks in each other’s feathers every night.

_Like me and Draco._

For several minutes, her mind was almost completely blank. Except for rage. In that weird state, she spent at least quarter of an hour gazing at the serene lake in fluorescent muggle lighting. She observed the small ripples that formed from the few breezes of icy winter wind. But her heating charm was well placed, and she felt as her active mind was taken over, immersed in the beauty of nature.

In that period of time some new thoughts were slowly rising and trying to find their place. But her immersion in the lake was too strong, in complete meditative silence she finally turned away from it, and instead sat cross-legged on the dirty ground. The ground was freezing cold, and she liked the sensation. It made her attentive and alert.

At some point Ginny even forgot why she was even there, and in one of those moments she realized that her mind had calmed completely. Retaking the state, it had possessed when she had been immersed in spellcraft just an hour ago. Her sharp, attentive instincts were coming back. Her rationality gradually returning.

The first thought that came to her mind was like a dagger that punctured her stomach and drew vile amounts blood. _I said he robbed me of my innocence. I really said that in anger. I know it's not true… how could I say such a thing?_

_I'm…_ She was in loss for words. Nothing justified her behavior, it was inexcusable. Selectively the last shards of the still unsettled anger tried offer counter-reasons. _But he hurt me so much. After I told him about the diary, after I told him about St. Mungo's. He… did not care in the slightest… or did he?_

She was no longer sure. "How can I tell if he really cares, if he is not willing to admit it?"

_How can then I understand what's real between us and what is only my fantasies?_

But deep down, Ginny knew she was in the wrong. Even if he didn't love her. Even if he didn't care for her. What right did she have to yell at him? To accuse him of completely unfounded rape?

_I can't believe I said he robbed my innocence. That night… it was the most beautiful night of my life… why did I say that?_

But the answers came unwelcome. _I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him expressing something, even if it's pain I'm inflicting. When he sat there motionless while I sobbed and told my darkest secrets..._

At last she started to vividly remember their nights at the lake, their nights together here at the cottage. Every word they had spoken at breakfast tables, and the years before.

_If he really was using me, he would not go through all that trouble._

And the pangs of guilt and deep regret finally hit her. There no longer were any counterarguments. She knew she was at fault.

_This was my life. This was my everything. And I messed it up… due to… due to…_

"My selfishness. My paranoia. My ego." The sadness that she now felt no longer made her words carry force. Each one of them were tiny daggers puncturing her repeatedly and violently. Making her beg for somebody to cast a _Crucio_ as there was no way it would feel worse.

Even through the heating charms, she had grown cold. No longer being able to feel her fingers and her toes. It was time to head back. _Will he take me back? Will he throw me out? I certainly deserve it._

_For fuck's sake, he even helped me through the ritual… anger… it's this programing hardwired in our brains… what Remus said is so true._

_'You are way more than you think, Ginevra. We have to be more than we are, or else we are not going to survive. There is glory at the end of the tunnel.'_

_Being more than I am is not succumbing to anger, being more than I am is controlling my emotions... especially to not hurt the person I hold dearest._

The path back was much longer than she had anticipated, and halfway through she was not sure if she would even make it. Her rage had drained her energy. But it was just physical discomfort. It lessened the pain in her heart.

Outside the black metallic gates, she could see that the lights were still on in the living room. She opened and closed the gates, glad that she at least could enter the garden. Delirious ideas had overcome her. If Draco would not let her in, she decided to sleep outside. _Maybe I'll die there from hypothermia, maybe I won't. But at least I'll die near him._

Even at that point, she knew those were thoughts too dark to procrastinate on, because the main entrance doors were not locked. She entered the living room and found it completely empty.

The fire was still burning, as was the other lighting. And the single bowl of food she had not even started was still laying on the dinner table. Draco had cleaned up everything else, leaving it to her. Her heart clenched considering what he was going through. _He must be in his room. In our room._

_I've slept there for a whole week… I can't… I can't go there tonight._

Uncertainly, she slowly made her way upstairs. And just for a moment looked at Draco's room. There were no lights coming from it. Her hand almost reached for the doorknob, but last moment she decided against it and turned around, entering what had been her own room for the first few nights.

During the week, she had created a detoxification plan for her nasty potions habit, preparing vials for the next several weeks. At first, she thought she will be strong enough not to take any of those even tonight. But as she laid there, full clothed in her bed alone - unexpected loneliness appeared.

A new kind. Not longing for something unknown. She missed lying besides Draco’s naked body.

In his arms, she no longer needed large potion doses - she had been happy and when you're happy - you grow strong. This strength was gone. She twisted and turned alone in her bed for several hours.

She bolted awake in sweaty bedsheets, her body convulsing in its heightened form of tension. Unwillingly, she reached for the first vial and emptied it. But after twenty minutes of waiting - it was not enough. Not in the state she was in right now.

That was the end of her rationality for that night. She no longer cared about the future or even tomorrow. One by one, Ginny drowned twenty-four vials of her sleeping draughts that she had prepared to take each day for several weeks. Something in the back of her mind reminded that there was the possibility of overdose, but she did not care. It was her salvation, the quantity of vials now so large that even in five minutes she started to feel her welcome calmness, calmness that stretched into euphoria. Euphoria so fucked she hated herself bitterly every moment it impacted her mind.

_What was that saying?_ She now mused to herself, without any care for Draco's or her own well-being. _The mnemonic they taught me about overdose in St. Mungo's..._

"Blind as a bat." Ginny whispered suddenly in recollection. _That's_ _pupil dilation._

There was a melody to it. "Red as a beet." _Widening of blood vessels._

"Hot as a hare." _Hyperthermia._

It was no use remembering what each of the phrases meant, she just wanted to finish the song in her mind. Its melancholic melodic tune caressing her to sleep, and repeating over and over again in her mind as a sick warning signal for her desire to live to persist.

_Blind as a bat_

_Red as a beet_

_Hot as a hare_

_Dry as a bone_

_Mad as a hatter_

_Bloated as a toad_

_And the heart runs alone_


	21. "In times of chaos, always tell the truth" 6

_Thank god, it’s not alcohol._ She cried to herself in her muddled sleep, and the cries repeated themselves in various nightmares. A nervous system toxicity syndrome was often abbreviated to simply ‘toxidrome’. _Toxidrome is a syndrome caused by a dangerous level of toxins in the body._ Her nightmares recounted to her. Often, they were surprisingly educational.

_‘But this is not a toxin!’ _Ginny protested in her lucid dreams._ ‘My sleeping draughts act simply as allosteric modulators for the natural GABA and acetylcholine neurotransmitters. That means it’s the natural levels themselves that are toxic. How can an endogenous compound be a toxin?_ _That makes no sense._

This woke her up. Ginny Weasley bolted upright in her bed. Still in her dream like state, she continued to muse out her imaginary conversation. “No. It does make sense. The endogenous compound becomes a toxin. It’s that simple. Interesting that even the implication of an inconsistency woke me up…”

But there was no wonder or joy in her words. And none in her heart. Instead she vividly remembered everything she had done or said. The memories making her fists clench in an intent to do serious self-harm. _I want to carve my skin until I dig for blood. I want to make myself suffer for what I did, to make me remember…_

“I’m alone here. Alone in this bed.” She was sobbing involuntarily, like she had just sobbed in her dreams. “No longer in our bed… no longer waking up together… alone as I was my whole life.”

“Then I could only imagine what I could miss… now it’s real. I know what I’ve destroyed.”

There were no nausea and her head was not spinning. Perhaps halfway motivated by self-preservation Ginny tried to divert her destructive intentions full of self-sabotage. _I have to think about something else. Anything…_

“At least it’s not alcohol.” She repeated to herself the same dream-like phrase. “Alcohol is such a shit drug. None of the other hard drugs have any sort of acute detoxification syndrome – nothing in comparison. Chronic? Of course. But not after a single night! Stupid, stupid traditional customs… killing themselves and their livers without reason.”

“And the aggression! It brings everything that is bad in people. Everything that is vile and cruel…. Yet everything else is prohibited. To expand one’s mind… to distance from reality… to feel euphoria and love for everyone without any intention to harm…. forbidden. Instead you get locked up as animal in a cage.”

“And you are shamed as a horrible, vile piece of shit.”

But her hatred was not as heart-felt as it usually was regarding this subject. Instead it was almost superfluous. She could not bring these lamentations to override her pain. It was too deep and engraved. _I did it. I really fucked it up. Just like that. And now?_

_I don’t even feel bad. _

_I feel great!_

_How the fuck do I feel great? _Ginny took and threw the book on spellcraft violently against the floor. Her intentions on self-harm coming back. “I never understood how those girls could injure themselves… to make those horrible scars. To seek endorphins from pain… now I get it. Now I understand. I want to see that blood-“

She threw the diary of Tom Riddle as hard as she could against the window and hit her clenched fist against the wooden part of the bed.

_Harder!_

She tried to injure her fist again, and it stung from the force with which she had hit the wood. Tears were welling in her eyes and she could no longer escape it. No intoxication helped, it was all for naught.

“Why did I do that?”

“Why couldn’t I calm down?” She cried, now tears pouring down her cheeks. “I can’t believe what I said. I can’t believe I hurt him like that. There is this… monster. This monster within me, that seeks only gratification and the fulfillment of my ego.”

“THERE IS NOTHING GOOD IN ME! I AM THE OBJECT OF PURE EVIL-“

A loud thud.

So loud it could only be the front doors.

“DRACO!” Ginny yelled and got up from the bed immediately.

She was still in her clothes. “DRACO! DON’T LEAVE ME!”

“DRACO, PLEASE COME BACK!”

The loud thud could only be him. _He must’ve heard me. He has decided to leave. HE HAS DECIDED TO LEAVE!_

In her whole life, she had never felt panic so deep as she felt that moment. Her mind raced, and in just mere moments she had bolted upright and standing. She threw all her bedcovers to the ground and ran to the doors. As fast as she could, she started downstairs. To catch up to him. Before he could apparate. Before he could leave her forever.

_If he is gone, I will never see him. Never! Never! Never!_

She ran downstairs, and she looked at the empty living room. Ginny could see that the main doors were already closed, and outside the window – there was nobody there. _He left. He left me. I’m alone._

_I’m alone._

In that moment, she realized just how far she had sunk. How deep and wrong everything had gone. And just how much she was willing to sacrifice for him.

_I don’t care anymore that he doesn’t love me. I don’t care if he uses me._

_Just please, if only we could be together. I don’t care if I’m a slave without free will. And the diary? Take it, Draco. Take it!_

Sobbing was impossible, the dread she felt overwhelmed all her senses. Slowly, she leaned down towards the floor and looked at the closed outer doors before her. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. It was no longer meditation or mindfulness. She just tried to see any reason not to… _Kill myself._

“My dear! I did not expect to find you here!” A foreign voice made Ginny bolt upright. It was coming from behind her. From the kitchen.

She was hidden from view. The voice was feminine and rather mature.

_What? Who is that?_

Timidly, as if every inch of movement took incredibly strength, Ginny peered backwards towards the kitchen. She was hidden in the spot she was right now at the stairwell. Immediately she could make out a woman, fancily dressed. But even as her wretched soul tried to summon any hope, she could feel it waning. _Who is that? Who is she talking to?_

Still hidden from view, she could make out many distinct lines of a very sophisticated dress. A dress that eerily reminded her of the dresses she herself had worn for the past week. The woman was tall, and her hair was white. She reeked of intense sophistication and high class. In milliseconds Ginny knew she had seen her before, even looking at her back. There was something about that silhouette that reminded her of someone, but she could not place who.

“Draco!” Narcissa Malfoy spoke clearly and concisely, expecting a reply. “What are you doing here?”

_His mother! Draco! _

“Mother.” Came a cold, detached reply. “It’s nice to see you. You above all else should know exactly what I’m doing.”

_Draco! _Ginny’s heart clenched. _He did not leave, he did not apparate away!_

_He’s here!_

She wanted to run towards him. To cry at his feet. To beg him for forgiveness. To do anything, but she couldn’t. Not with his mother right here. _Will she hand us in? What do I do?_

“My son, you do know I love you.” Narcissa Malfoy hissed in anger. “But that will not be a sufficient reply. I have delivered numerous statements to the Daily Prophet. Daily they harass me, harass our family… what has become of it. Do you-“

“Do I what?” He was on edge and did not seem inclined to show any more politeness. “My mission, mother. The Dark Lord. You know what I must do.”

She did not reply, and Ginny could hear Draco’s mother sitting down at the kitchen counter. Ginny dared to peek at them from her position once again, and she could now clearly see him. She could tell immediately he had not slept at all. There were dark circles beneath his eyes and he looked harrowed. But she could only glimpse at him for a moment as he turned away to look outside.

_I did that. I did that to him._ She felt paralyzed. _How could I do that? I’m so…_

He was looking far into the distance. Easily Ginny could visualize both of them just yesterday outside in the exact spot he was looking at – practicing together. Joking and helping each other out in lighthearted fashion. All of it was now gone, and for how long she could not tell.

“Draco.” Narcissa’s tone was urgent. “The Ministry is on hot pursuit. This property is extremely remote and detached from the Malfoy name, but you have at best only a month or so here… the plan-“

“And what do you know about the plan?” Draco cut her off angrily. “Let me manage my own affairs. This is a matter of life and death for me.”

“I know.” She could hear Narcissa gulp. “Trust me, I know.”

At that point Ginny had made up her mind, as if guided by a higher power she knew she had to approach them. To approach Draco. _I have to be strong, I have to show strength. I have to show my support to him._

_I have to show… I love him._

_That he is not alone. That he has me. His mother… she does not know he has me._

That intense panic she felt when she thought she would never see him again. It was all that was necessary for her to summon intense courage. Ginny stepped out of her hiding place, bravely going towards the pair of mother and son.

Taking several silent steps forward, she was now in the middle of the living room. Narcissa was immersed looking at Draco, who was peering outside.

“Draco.” Narcissa half-pleaded and half-commanded. “You have to give me details, what happened to the rest of them? Ginny Weasley? Luna Lovegood? Draco?”

He had turned to look at his mother, but instead he spotted her.

Their eyes locked in an intense connection.

The pain she saw in his eyes almost broke her. But it was a brief flash, before it was masked away into indifference.

“Draco… I-“ Ginny spoke quite loudly, but had nothing to say.

His expression did turn from indifferent to hopeful. As if he was eager to hear her next words.

_Hope. There was hope in his eyes. Oh, no. What have I done…_

“What do we have here?” Narcissa Malfoy had spotted her as well. A terrible, twisted smile etched on her face. “And who are you?”

Ginny did not look at the woman. Not interested in answering the question. Only Draco mattered to her, only what he would say. _Am I a prisoner like Luna and Blaise? Am I someone who is going to leave by his command or get Obliviated? Am I… who am I?_

“This is Ginevra Molly Weasley, mother.” Draco declared, surprising Ginny that he even knew her middle name.

“Oh, a Weasley.” There was disdain and veiled hatred in her voice.

“Are you not going to speak, girl? Or are you mute?”

But her eyes were only for Draco.

“Mother.” Draco’s tone was forced and rigid. “Be respectful to her.”

Ginny gulped unexpectedly, for once glad his anger was not directed at her.

As Narcissa turned astonished towards her son, Ginny knew she had to play along.

“Good morning Mrs. Malfoy. I’m pleased to meet you.”

Narcissa turned back at her instantly. Observing her. Ginny looked down at herself as well. Her beautiful diamond patterned maxi dress was disheveled beyond belief. She had not taken a shower and her hair was a mess. In all respects she looked disheveled and unkept. It was obvious Narcissa had the exact same thoughts.

“Mother, Ginny is with me.” Draco declared. “She is part of the mission.”

“Draco!” His mother was shocked. “You cannot let your emotions take over you. Look at her!”

“I am looking.” His tone was cold and austere, as he surveyed her from her petite feet up to her flaming red hair. But somehow Ginny could tell his thoughts were completely different than Narcissa’s. She was not sure if she only wanted to believe that, but she was confident that he observed her as the most beautiful object he had ever seen.

_An object… well… at least I’m something._

“And what do you see?” Narcissa had now turned to him.  
  
“That is it.” Draco had finally turned away from her, to face his mother. “One more bad word about Ginny, and you will have to leave.”

_Draco!_

He was furious. “Do you understand that?”

Narcissa winced beneath his gaze, something about him reminding both of them of his father.

Draco Malfoy looked much older and much more mature. His pale hair shining uncharacteristically. The atmosphere changed, growing colder and stricter. Absentmindedly Ginny noted how clean the room was, and she had not remembered leaving it in that state. It took Narcissa several moments to process this new, more authoritarian Draco, but finally she nodded her understanding and unwillingly turned away to look elsewhere.

“I’m going to make some tea.” Ginny burst into action. Encouraged immensely by Draco’s kind words. She wanted to pay back, hiding away her fear.

“I know you like coffee, Draco.”

“Thank you.”

”Mrs. Malfoy, do you drink tea?”

Narcissa was frowning at her, taking too long to reply for it to be a polite conversation. Weirdly boring into her, but Draco touched her hand unexpectedly. Startled by this interruption, Narcissa made up her mind. “Yes. Black please. No sugar.”

“Alright.” Ginny forced a smile. “You talk through what you must. I’ll be busy here.”

They both observed her as she made her way towards them and started the mechanical process of preparing breakfast._ It can’t be only tea_. She had to do more. The process of making tuna and egg salad rolls was welcoming. They were Draco’s favorite and she had now memorized the recipe.

As she worked in the kitchen with her back towards them, both Draco and Narcissa kept silent – and somehow, she knew both of them were boring into her back. Each of them for completely different reasons.

There was no reason for her to look away from her active tasks. Cutting, slicing, and arranging food. The tuna had to be extracted out of the can and smashed delicately, then the spinach cut in even bits. Her subconscious begged for perverted normalcy in these actions, but somehow by every moment of silence her demeanor and rigidity of motion grew more desperate.

“Is she your servant?” Narcissa’s tone bit venom. “A slave in the kitchen?”

Ginny cringed in hurt, but somehow accepted the words willingly without fight.

”Another tramp ready to usurp your name and fortune-“

“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” Draco roared in a dark voice. “OR I WILL MAKE IT SHUT FOREVER!”

“Draco!” Narcissa was stunned, and there was fear in her voice. “Draco?”

“You heard me, mother.” He was enraged. “One more word! I am a deatheater, remember that.”

Ginny was at a loss for words, at a loss for what to do or say. _Or feel._

The kettle rung with boiling water gushing out, and she had to remove it from the heater. Her hands trembled as she poured the two cups.

_Draco! You shouldn’t have said that… I … I deserve the names she called me…_

“Ginny.” Draco began, but his voice choked out unexpectedly. Making both Ginny and Narcissa turn towards him. Regaining his composure, he continued as if this moment of weakness had been merely an illusion. “Ginny… we are together, mother”

“She is my girlfriend.”

Narcissa’s eyes widened. “I see.”

“And from now, insulting her is insulting me.”

No amount of social inhibition could stop Ginny from turning to Draco and placing both of her palms on his shoulders.

She could feel him stiffen for a moment, not expecting her touch. But as he realized it was her, she could feel him relax. There was newfound warmth in her heart. So much had happened in such brief time.

Draco put his hand over hers. Their mutual touch electrifying.

“I see.” Narcissa observed the possessive hands Ginny had placed on her son, and the way he had reciprocated her touch. Something told her, his mother had never seen him return another human touch before.

“I understand.”

The next words took her incredibly effort. “I apologize, Ginny.”

“It’s alright.” Finally, she looked directly at Narcissa. “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Malfoy.”

Narcissa nodded and looked at Draco as if she was seeing him for the first time in her life.

Somehow Ginny’s fear, resentment and anguish had turned into pure joy. _Or is this all for show? Does he really hate me? NO! NO! I can’t think like that. All I asked for him was to say he cared about me. He is doing that right now!_

_I cannot doubt him! I must trust him, I must believe his sincerity. That is all I have. Trust. We don’t have any more control over each other. We can only trust each other and take each other at our word._

“I’m glad you came, actually.” He continued, as if nothing had just transpired. “I have several questions to you regarding the Malfoy Manor.”

Narcissa’s frown deepened. She was thrown out of her comfort zone.

“The Manor? What about it?”

Ginny let go, but it took considerable effort. To turn away was difficult. She wanted to keep touching Draco, to hold him. To let him hold her. Instead she knew she had to finish making the beverages. It was easy to finish the coffee - she had been making it for Draco every week for breakfast. And the black tea was even simpler than that.

“Here you go.”

She served his coffee, and now turned to Narcisa. “Mrs. Malfoy.”

“Thank you, Ginny.” Draco replied instantly, as if this was just another morning between them.

“Thank you.” Narcissa Malfoy repeated, but her eyes lingered on Ginny as usual for too long to stay polite. She was trying to extract something out of her appearance. Out of her actions, but it seemed the older women was simply unable to do so. She was stupefied by something, but what – the redhead could not tell.

“Mother, I need to know about the protections.” He kept prodding. “Are any of the two tunnels operational?”

“No. The tunnels are gone, as far I know. Why do you need to know this?”

“What are you planning to do? Are you... are you planning to go in there? It won’t work! Draco, it’s impossible to get in there!”

Ginny could feel Draco smirk as he replied. “Mother, please answer the questions. That is all.”

“Now with a simple ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Are any other of the secret passageways open?’

Narcissa was uncomfortable. She wanted to look away from them. To look outside. As she observed the house and surveyed it, she finally noticed the two prisoners. Luna and Blaise still chained up the radiators.

Despite Ginny’s pleas for the past week, Luna was still there, and she could recall painfully that last night Draco had finally accepted to release her. _How horribly I repaid him…_

“Draco!” Narcissa exclaimed. “Who are they? What are you doing here?”

“Mother.” His calm tone was deadly. “That is none of your business.”

“None of my business!” She hissed. “Have you lost your mind? The WHOLE Ministry auror department is after you. After these two! After you two!”

“What are you doing here? What is this?”

Draco’s laugh was cold, detached and sent shivers down Ginny’s spine. “They will be dealt with. This is of no concern to you.”

Something about his tone scared even Narcissa. It was not only Ginny who could tell how evil his laugh had sounded, and what were the implicit undertones of what he was saying. _This is so wrong. Everything… and I’m… I’m to blame. I made him bring me here. I made all those problems with Blaise… and my best friend._

“Answer the damn question, mother.” It was a command, there was no politeness left in his voice.

“Draco…” She faltered. “The secret passages are closed as well. I think… do you really need to know these things?”

“I don’t know about all of them, but…” She was flinching under his scowl. “I think they closed off everything they could find.”

“But there might be some left?”

“There might. I do not use them. There is the apparition point.”

“An apparition point?” He was surprised. “How did it went past the Ministry?”

“The ministry, Draco.” She said melancholically. “There isn’t much left of it… or not much of what it used to be.”

“Go on. About the apparition point.”

“It is heavily guarded.”

“What about the main gates?” He prodded further, eager to capture every detail.

Only in that moment, Ginny realized she was looking at plate full of tuna and salmon salad rolls. She had no recollection of making them, but they were ready to be served.

“Thanks.” Draco replied instantly. “I genuinely love these.”

_Thanks, that’s nice._

Narcissa was still eyeing her shrewdly, but finally managed to blurt out the same phrase - as if she would to a house elf.

“The main gates are impossible to-“

“We will have disguise.” He interjected. “Answer the questions. I think you cannot stay here for long. They must be watching you.”

“What about the entrance? How are the gates protected?”

The pair of mother and son continued to talk more hurriedly. Ginny felt dissociated. She was resting against the kitchen counter, halfway turned to look at both of them, but otherwise looking outside at the meadow. Narcissa knew the protections much better than she had let on. Her lack of knowledge had been a charade.

It was now midday and the sun was unusually warm for winter. But the atmosphere was as chilly as winter goes. The trees had long shed all leaves and their barren skeletal frames summoned weird fantasies in her mind. Lost in thought, she immersed herself in nature - hibernating in its own bitterness.

At first, she tried to pay attention, but her thoughts kept interrupting her. As they spoke faster and faster, going over intricate details – she could no longer focus on the conversation. Now merely waiting for their body language to indicate when she should start to concentrate back at what was happening. Only in that moment Ginny realized she still had the diary.

_Will he take it from me? Or will he respect my request? I don’t care!_

_Please, let him take it. It’s just a stupid book. How dumb was I? Of course, Voldemort won’t let it out of his sight. Let him have it! Let him take it! I don’t need it…. I have the amulet._

She felt horrible realizing the secret she was keeping. _I should tell him... no, I can’t tell him. Why everything has to be so... fucked up._

She choked back her gradually welling tears, the last thing she wanted to do was have more lies, more secrets between them. _I could…_

But before she could make up her mind for good, a piece of conversation made her turn back and focus on the duo.

“The Dark Lord, Draco. He is there every day. He sleeps at the Manor… if he sleeps at all. Deatheaters have taken sole ownership of the estate. It’s much more than headquarters… the basement, the dungeons… they are full of people… rape, torture… corpses.”

Ginny choked imagining Narcissa living in these depraving surroundings and calling it home. Draco did not seem as affected as she was. “So, we can find Voldemort in the master suite?”

“Find Voldemort?” She gasped. “Is that what you are after? Please, think about what you are saying!”

“I am thinking, mother. That’s the reason I’m asking these questions. The master suite, I suppose?”

She nodded gravely, too scared to reply aloud.

“What about my father?” Draco asked evenly. But Ginny could tell he had tensed up, she could now spot these miniature changes in his behavior, without touch - as if reading his mind.

“He is gone, of course. Disgraced.” She scoffed off the question. “You know that. The Ministry is searching for him. Voldemort is searching for him-“

“What are they saying?”

“What do you mean?”

Draco spoke with pure hatred. “You know what I mean. What is his plan to return back?”

“I…” Narcissa hesitated. “These are only rumors, Draco…”

“Tell me.’’ He commanded.

Ginny did not understand why both of them had tensed up so much. Narcissa was scared and Draco was extremely angry. It was hard for Ginny to even conceptualize how they could ever be a functional family. _They weren’t, that’s the truth. A despotic monster terrorizing both of them._

“I’ve heard he has created a rouge brigade of exiled deatheaters…” She whispered darkly. “They are…”

“What for?”

“What for, mother?”

She looked down. “They are looking for you, Draco.”

“What?”

“For all of you.” Narcissa waved her hand around at Ginny, Luna, and Blaise. “He wants to find you, wound you and then bring you to Voldemort-“

“To regain his honor?” Draco almost whispered, cutting her off.

Narcissa bit her lip. “Yes.”

_Lucius Malfoy is after me, he’s after all of us… Draco, Luna. _The intensity of this realization made her freeze in horror. There was somebody outside, perhaps right now behind these skeletal trees seeking to wound, injure and bring them horrendously to Voldemort. _This is insane. They’re all insane._

“To regain…” There were now tiny tears in Narcissa’s beautiful, reserved eyes. It was astonishing this woman was breaking under the pressure. “To regain the Malfoy name... he is willing to hand in his own son.”

_The father who devours his own son. _

Draco did not seem shocked or mortified in the slightest.

_To regain the family name? _

_This is what both of them want…_

“I’m sorry.” Narcissa was trying as hard as she could to pull herself together and not show her welling tears. “I’m sorry Draco…”

“I’m sorry that I married your father.”

Ginny did not dare to speak, instead she kept looking at the meadow. There was no point further antagonizing Narcissa. The facade of strength was just that – a facade. Narcisa was broken deep down, and she suddenly felt pity for her. She had lost her home, her family and now was close to losing her son.

Somehow the fear was waning, and instead she could feel a dark strength emerging from her subconscious. The same strength with which she had assaulted Draco yesterday. It was not a good kind of strength. It was the will to survive. _And everything, anything that will come in my way. It has to be destroyed. _

“My father.” Draco began carefully, as if creating his words from pure loathing. “Has done much harm…”

“To you, Ginny.”

“I will not let him to do any more damage.” He stated firmly. “It is time… I take over the Malfoy name.”

Narcissa’s eyes widened, and Ginny felt herself drifting further and further away in her own body. Brought together by Draco’s intensity Ginny and Narcissa could no longer stop looking at each other. Narcissa no longer cared about the disheveled state of Ginny’s clothes. Instead they were peering into each other’s soul. Exchanging vital small cues to one another, as if to show that there was a common bond possible. _I need her. She will help us._

“Ginny.” Narcissa spoke unexpectedly, as if making her mind up about something incredibly important.

“What is it, Mrs. Malfoy?” She replied uncertainly.

“Has Draco told you?” She asked.

“Mother!”

“I will tell her.” Narcissa sighed. “No, Draco, she must know.”

_Know what? What secrets could there be at this point?_

Draco hung his head unexpectedly, stunning only Ginny. Narcissa knew the motive behind his actions. _Draco? What is it? _But she did not dare to say that aloud. “Mrs. Malfoy?”

“Call me Narcissa.” The older woman was somewhat warmer, but the coldness in her demeanor seemed permanent.

“When Draco learned about the diary.” Narcissa began.

_About the diary?_

“That his father had planted it in your bag.” She continued. “He was… he was very angry.”

Draco looked away from both of them. As if on edge, stuck between wanting to interject or keep silent. The power dynamics were shifting. Now Narcissa was the one in charge.

“About what?” Ginny could no longer hold in her thoughts, she wanted to know. There was something wrong with this whole conversation, the dark untold stories could be extracted out of numerous small inclinations. _This family… this is no family._

“That he had hurt you.” Narcissa exhaled, trying to show warmth unsuccessfully. This emotion did not suit her, but she was determined to try.

“Oh...” Ginny answered, only sluggishly realizing the implications. That had been her second year. Before St. Mungo’s. Before they had ever spoken. _What does that mean?_

_Did Draco…_

“Mother!”

“I had never seen him so angry. Even then, those many years ago… I knew there was something about you-“

“Mother, please!” Draco was now more forceful. “This is between the us two. You have no right-”

“I’ve never seen him so livid before or ever since.” Narcissa continued in austere calm, still not breaking eye contact with Ginny. “And Lucius… let’s say Draco was punished… heartily.”

Ginny swallowed hard. _Oh, Draco. I can’t believe that… I can’t believe you cared about me back then…_

Locked away under hard discipline, she could imagine Draco standing up to his father for the first time. A small boy, willing to sacrifice physical pain. Ginny was starting to put things together. _The scars on his chest and back. Could they have come from this?_

_But for me? Why? I’m not worth it._

Instantly she was by his side. Her arms on his shoulders. He fidgeted beneath her touch but did let go. Narcissa observed them maternally. Moments passed with the three of them in silence. Lost in their own personal heaven and hell. Oblivious to his mother, she stroked his hair absently, until finally Narcissa broke the silence.

“Should I tell Bella?”

“No.” Draco was firm, and the force of his reply made Ginny stumble back.

His mother nodded, still observing them. But no longer with the same suspicion. There was an unreadable quality in her eyes. She was still trying to ascertain something, but it felt like she had made some progress.

“I must leave.”

He nodded. “You can’t come back. You know that.”

Narcissa got up, gathered her stuff, and prepared to leave. But in every motion, it was easy to tell she wanted to do something more, packing her stuff too slowly - gathering strength for what she was about to say. “Ginny… take care of Draco, will you?”

Their whole conversation had flipped. The atmosphere from hostile had turned into almost familial. Ginny could see the pain in her eyes. Narcissa lived with despair and misery - hidden away by a facade of indifference.

Even as Narcissa was not able to display it properly, Ginny felt as if there was certain warmness coming from her.

“I will.” It was a promise. A firm, definite vow.


End file.
